Title: Hold Me
Author: Sorceress Fantasia
Warnings: Sap, OOC-ness
Archive: Finally Fantasia (my homepage)
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own GW in any way. Neither do I own the song 'Hold Me'.
Note: Based on the song of the same name by Savage Garden.
Duo bit his lips hard. His vision was swimming as the tears cascaded down his cheeks wanly. "After all the hell we've been through… you still don't trust me? Why?" He whimpered through sobs, then looked down. The droplets of tears fell like pearls of a broken necklace and pelted heavily on the tiled floor. Duo slumped like a deflated balloon, feeling the harsh coldness of the ground. His disheveled chestnut tresses were fanned out on his back, and some wrapped around his body like a dark curtain.
Heero said nothing, merely glared hatefully at him. In the deadly silence, the Japanese boy eyed Duo dangerously like a panther preparing to pounce. And for a moment, he thought he really wanted to. Heero gnashed his teeth, his fists clenching of their own accord. He was about to lash out again when Duo spoke unexpectedly.
"Since you can't trust me even after all these time, then forget it! Maybe we're not meant to be together!" The American boy spat woefully, then spun around and burst out of the wooden mahogany doors.
How long? How much more? How far did he have to run?
He didn't know. All he knew was that he needed to get away.
It didn't matter. As long as he was away.
Because his heart was breaking.
Duo stopped. He panted, bending down, hands on his knees. His eyes were wide and unfocused. Suddenly, he crumpled to the ground. Tears continued to well in his violet depths.
Why? Why must Heero think that way? After all they went through, didn't he know him well enough? Didn't he understand just how much Duo loved him? No, he didn't. For if he did, he wouldn't have hit him.
Duo whimpered helplessly. Unconsciously, he raised a hand to caress his bruised cheek. He winced as the pain shot through. It was all true. Heero did slap him. Punched him for his friendliness. Throttled him for his helpful nature. Pummeled him for his unfaithfulness.
Unfaithfulness. Duo laughed at the word. His lover suspected that he was unfaithful! He laughed some more. He couldn't stop. Duo found this amusing. He had pledged his life and soul to Heero, only to be accused of being unfaithful. He didn't understand why.
Couldn't Heero see that Hirde was his friend? Couldn't he see that she needed help? If helping her to go on with her life after the war by finding her a place to stay meant that he was being unfaithful, then he had lost count of the number of times he had been double timing Heero. Sure, perhaps it wasn't the best time for hugs when he walked in of the house. Duo could remember the look on Heero's face. That look of sheer anger and the gleam of death in his eyes scared him even.
After Hirde had been thrown out, not that she didn't want to get out, Heero had proceeded to shout at him and demand answers to his unreasonable questions. When Duo had tried to explain the situation, the Japanese hit him. Hard.
Duo grimaced at the memory and more tears fell. Heero didn't trust him at all. He had suspected his fidelity. He had questioned their love.
After the war that had taken so much out of them finally ended, he had thought that he could start life afresh with Heero. However, it looked like he couldn't. Even after all the time, all their nights proving his love… Heero still…
Maybe he was wrong right from the start. He could never lead a life without a war. He had merely started another war, only at a different frontline. And this time, Duo knew he had lost.
Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, had never expected himself to get so frustrated. But that was in the past, before he admitted he had emotions. Before Duo came along. Before he finally admitted that he loved Duo.
He smiled a little. How could one not smile for Duo? His irresistible violet depths would make sure of that. With a twinkle and a cocksure grin, he always beckoned happiness to spring forth. That's right. Duo was an angel who brought euphoria and smiles to wherever he was. And most importantly, Duo was his personal angel who saved him from himself and his training.
But that was where his frustration came from.
Heero frowned, and looked down to his hands. Those hands that had hit Duo. He scowled at the offending flesh. How could he have hurt Duo? Why did he get so angry? He knew that Duo had only thought of Hirde as a sister and nothing more. And it was in his nature to be friendly and helpful. So why had he felt the fire burning in his eyes, his ire raising?
The back of his disoriented mind supplied him with an answer.
/Because you are afraid of losing him./
The Japanese boy knew he was worth nothing. He was just a soldier who was supposed to have lived with the war. Once the war ended, he should have died with it. Heero was fine with the idea initially. However, it all changed from he met that braided baka. Thoughts of leaving Duo had made it unbearable. For him and him alone, Heero wanted to live. That was why. That was why he was afraid. Afraid that Duo might wake up one day, and decide that he wasn't worthy of his love, and leave.
Every time he saw Duo being nice to others, he would feel the green worm of jealously eating at his heart. No, he didn't want to lose Duo to anybody.
With a sudden determination, Heero rushed out of the house. He had to find Duo. He had to! He needed to feel Duo's body against his, wanted to feel his warmth. He needed to apologize!
Heero sprinted as fast as he could. He didn't know where Duo was, but he had a gut feeling that he was in the outskirts of the town.
He continued to dash even when he was tired. He had searched almost everywhere in the outskirts, but his lover was nowhere to be found. In desperation, he returned to the town and continued hunting for traces of Duo's disappearance. The Japanese ex-pilot knew he had to find Duo fast.
As he ran, Heero heard the shrill, deafening silence howl pass. He glowered. No more silence! It felt painful to his ears. Heero fervently wanted it to stop. Even Duo's angry words would sound better. His love's voice was the most melodious sound in the universe.
Duo flung his legs carelessly over the cliff. His eyes stared fixedly at the boundless ocean. The waves rushed in, then retracted. They rolled in and out, in and out, like nothing mattered. It had been rolling in and out long before he was born, and would probably continue to do so after his death. Even if all the colonies ceased to exist, and Earth itself devastated, it would still roll in and out without a care for the world.
And now, Duo could hear the taunting of the waves, laughing at him. Every rise of the salty waters held a silent question. A question to which he had no answer to.
He loved Heero. Loved him more than life itself. But could his love go on? He didn't know. All he knew was that his pain was burying his love, and whether his love could emerge from the depths again was a difficult question.
Duo closed his eyes as the soothing sea breeze fluttered against his body. When it stopped, he felt the numbing coldness spreading through his nerves. It was just like happiness. It comes fast and sudden, and comforts the tattered soul. But it left immense pain in its wake, which came just as fast and sudden as it came. What was it worth?
Happiness was more than just marriage. It's worth more than just a diamond wedding ring. Marriage did bring happiness, but it was short lived. As is love.
His lips quivered uncontrollably. Hand shaking convulsively, he reached to clutch his chest. He hated the intense agony radiating from his heart, hated the cold streaks of ice disseminating. Subconsciously, he clenched tighter, willing the heartache to go away. Duo gritted his teeth, and clawed wildly at his arms as hard as he could, silently wishing it hurt more. The only thought that broke through the deafening silence was that everything would be all right if he could make his body hurt as much as his soul did. He would be dead before that happened.
Duo shut his eyes, and clasped his hands together. 'I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there. I don't know you would listen to my prayers. Yes, I know that I've never believed in you, and hated you for the wreck I call my life, so I shouldn't speak to you. But… for once, God… help me.'
Suddenly, he heard a rustle in the bushes behind him and he whipped around to face the invader. To his surprise, he was lifted off the ground by strong arms before he could even make out what had happened. When he looked up, he found himself staring into two worried stricken cobalt depths.
"Heero?" He whispered, wide eyed.
Before Duo could ask more, he was suddenly put down and immediately pulled into a very tight embrace.
"What the heck do you think you are doing!" Heero chided. "You don't have to do this! You can't kill yourself, Duo! I'm the one who's suicidal, not you! Don't do this to me!"
Then Duo felt the trembling of his body. Heero was crying. Damn. The next thing he knew, the world would fall apart. 'God, I hate your sense of humor. When I said help me, I don't mean to send me a crying impersonator of Heero.' He blew his bangs. Then what Heero had said sunk into his mind. "Suicide?"
"Please, Duo. Don't do this. You can't leave me…"
"Who said that I was committing suicide?"
Heero stilled, then pulled back and looked at his lover. "Then what were you doing, sitting so close to the edge of the cliff?"
"You thought I was jumping off?" Duo asked incredulously.
Duo almost laughed. Well, almost. "Oh. Maybe I should. That would certainly make you a lot happier." He sulked and looked away.
"Duo… I'm… I'm sorry."
The American boy snapped his head to stare at the talking boy. Was it just him, or was Heero really apologizing?
"I was worried that you might have fallen for Hirde, after realizing how much a bastard I am. I'm violent, prone to anger, suicidal, unable to show my emotions the way I want… I really don't see how can someone like you love me… That's why I'm so scared. So scared of you finally realizing that, and just… leave me."
Heero ignored him. "Gomen nasai. I understand if you want to leave me now… But… ai shiteru, Duo."
Duo's jaws dropped. He couldn't believe it. After three years of intimate relationship with Heero, this was the first time he had ever said those words. He had tried all he could to coax those three words out of his lover, but had never succeeded. Heero's next words edged him out of his trance.
"I won't blame you if you don't love me anymore. But please, Duo. Don't die."
Despite his earlier resolution to ignore Heero, Duo found himself in his lover's arms the next thing he was aware of.
"Baka Hee-chan. Ai shiteru." He snuggled closer to the warmth he knew was Heero. After a while, he sensed Heero's daze mind. Duo smiled, and whispered into his ears. "Carry me home, koi?"
Those words seemed to snap Heero's reverie, for he quickly got up with Duo in his arms. "Hai." Then with a smile, he added. "Eien ni."