WARNING! This fanfic contains sex of a homosexual nature, the pairing is USUK. There will be sexual jokes, spoilers (if you can consider them as such), references to popular pop culture fandoms, and overall just face-palming moments of stupidity. This fic is meant to be funny and erotic. Nothing in here is to be taken seriously.
Because America and England are both dorks and we just love them for it.
The door was pushed open roughly as neither cared to break the kiss between them. Arthur moaned as he pushed up and against Alfred even as the American effortlessly carried him over the threshold and into Arthur's home. He vaguely heard Alfred kick the door shut with his foot. Suddenly he was pressed up against the wall roughly. Alfred broke the kiss, gasping for breath as he focused his attention of Arthur's neck. His nipping and sucking of the Brit's skin was not gentile. Arthur groaned again and offered more of his neck. He was happy that the day's events had turned both of them on so much.
"That was the best Potter convention ever!" Arthur half gasped half exclaimed.
"I know," Alfred laughed "I can't believe we got to meet the cast from the movie in person!"
Arthur smirked "Well, you are in my country and I am a very highly respected official." Arthur grinned. He had been just as giddy with excitement as Alfred, but being a proper Englishmen he had contained his enthusiasm. Alfred, however, had practically squeed to death. They moved away from the wall and Alfred tossed him over the ornate couch in the living room. Arthur smiled and grinned up at him. He greatly enjoyed the way Alfred looked in his Gryffindor cosplay. The red and gold seemed to compliment his sun kissed skin. Alfred leered down at him as he slowly removed the scarf form around his neck. The tie came next. Arthur leaned up and loosened his own tie and then stripped off his sweater vest. All that covered his chest now was a sheer white blouse shirt.
Arthur glanced downward and then back up to Alfred's face, giving him a knowing look "Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Alfred smirked as he joined Arthur on the couch "Maybe I'm just getting ready to release a spell."
"Oh," Arthur raised a brow. He leaned up and brought his mouth just a hairs width away from Alfred's lips "and what spell might that be?"
"Um..." An expression of confusion crossed Alfred's face. Arthur blinked but remained patient. "...Crusio, I guess." Alfred laughed as he went to claim another kiss, only to have Arthur's hand cover his mouth.
All manner of kinkiness or passion had completely left Arthur's face "Crusio? Seriously!" He pushed Alfred off him and the American fell to the floor with a loud thud.
"Wait!" Alfred cried as he scrambled into a sitting position "What's wrong?"
"You used one of the Unforgivable Curses on me! Why would you even do that during sex?! The Crusio Curse inflicts immense pain on the victim. Is that really your intent? To inflict pain on me during sex!"
"No!" Alfred shook his head "I'm sorry. I... must have been thinking of a different spell. I totally forgot about that one." He stood up and then sat down on the couch. Arthur turned away from him. "I'm sorry. And no I don't want to inflict pain on you... though I thought you liked it when I spanked you." One of the couch throw pillows then violently hit him in the head.
"Git! That is a totally different thing!" Arthur huffed.
"Arthur I'm sorry." Alfred tried to plead with him. "Look, how about I say a different spell and we can just... continue." Arthur turned to look at him. Alfred gave him his most pleading expression, the one he had used in his youth to get pretty much everything.
Arthur sighed and nodded "Alright." He turned to fully face Alfred.
The American grinned. "Alright...um... how about..." he looked down at Arthur's crotch and laughed. Pointing his finger he shouted "Erecto!"
If it was possible, Arthur's face looked even less amused and angry than before "You have got to be bloody kidding me?"
"What? It means to erect something, right?"
"Erect as in to build something not erect as in erection!"
"Oh, then what about Engorigo! Or Duro!" Another pillow was hurled at Alfred's head and smacked him in the face. His glasses went flying.
"Oh shut it!" Arthur yelled. "I can not believe you!" He grabbed what little clothes he had taken off, stood up, and stormed off to his room.
He had locked the door and been sitting on his bed for several moments before there was a soft knocking on his door. "Arthur."
Arthur glared at the closed door "You are an idiot." He answered "Crusio is a curse one is not even supposed to use on their enemies and yet you used it on me!"
A deep and aggravated sigh was his answer "I'm sorry. I love you. Please open the door so we can talk face to face."
Even though he didn't want to he knew that not opening the door would appear childish. So he got off the bed, unlocked the door, and opened it. Alfred leaned against the door frame. "I think you think too much." Alfred began.
Arthur knew where he was going with this conversation and his eyes narrowed "Don't you dare."
"When we both took the test you know how angry you got-"
"Don't you say it!"
"Slytherin." Alfred said dismissively. Arthur fumed.
"I am a Gryffindor! I took that test four times and the last three times were all the same. The first one does not matter!"
"Something as important as what house you wind up in can not be determined by a simple internet quiz. It requires a talking and somewhat dream crushing hat."
"Oh really?" Arthur shot back. "You seemed bloody sure that simple internet quiz was on the mark with your result!"
Alfred shrugged "I'm a hero. And everyone knows all heroes come from Gryffindor. Besides Slytherin isn't all that bad. Snape belonged to Slytherin."
"Snape is dead." Arthur mumbled somewhat dejectedly.
"Snape isn't real!" Alfred finally snapped. "Harry Potter isn't real!" Alfred rolled his eyes "Arthur, I love Harry Potter just as much as the next guy but at the end of the day they are just a series of fantasy books just for kids."
Arthur's mouth opened and he stuttered a moment before yelling "The Harry Potter books sparked the imagination of hundreds, possibly millions, of people and gave an entire generation the desire to get back into reading!" He jerked his head in a dismissing way "Something you would know if the people from your country weren't illiterate."
Alfred glared at him "Oh, that was a low blow." He said in a hutteral hiss.
"Did you read the books or did you just watch the movies?" Arthur challenged.
"I watched the movies and at your urging I got the books." Alfred sighed; a soft pink blush came to his cheeks. He seemed... embarrassed.
Arthur paused "You did?" his anger diminished somewhat. Alfred really cared about him that much? He smiled despite himself and opened his mouth to say something when a thought occurred to him. He frowned "You didn't say you read them."
"I didn't. I got them on CD." Arthur groaned and put his head in his hands. Dear god. He felt Alfred put a hand on his shoulder. "Arthur, look I'm sorry dude. I just... I thought maybe a bit of Hogwarts role play might be kinky but..."
Arthur sighed "It doesn't seem to be working is it?" he admitted. He looked up at Alfred and nodded "Let's think of something else."
Alfred clicked the play button on the CD player and the soft melody of 'May it be' began floating out of the speakers. He stepped away and then turned down the lights of the dinning room. He looked to the food on the table. He could not wait to smear it over Arthur's body.
"Alfred are you read?" Arthur called down the hall. Alfred grinned and a shiver ran down his spine. Finally he would get sex!
"I'm always ready!" he called back. Arthur walked around the corner, dressed form head to toe in the Dark Ages tunic looking outfit that was a Lord of the Rings cosplay. The sight of him dressed like that kind of reminded Alfred of the pirate clothing Arthur used to wear when he was a kid. Damn those pirate clothes had been the source of many wet dreams as a child. However, Alfred could not stop the slight frown that came to his face.
Arthur's brows furrowed "You don't like it?"
Alfred waved a hand "You make an adorable Sam, do not get me wrong. I was just... hoping you were going to dress up in perhaps... one of the elfish costumes."
"You wanted me to be Legolas." He gestured to what Alfred was wearing "When you are dressed up as Frodo?"
"No not Legolas... but maybe Arwen. Is that wrong?"
"You wanted me to dress up as a woman?" He crossed his arms over his chest "Do you want me to be a woman?"
"Why should I be upset my lover just thinks dressing as a woman will improve our sex life."
Alfred shook his head "No. I'm not saying that. I more or less wanted you to dress as Arwen because you have the kind of masculine body that looks really good in dresses and I thought it would be kinky as hell." He walked toward Arthur and ran a finger across the line of his jaw "Don't you remember that time with the kilt? Now can't you just imagine the softness of the silk caressing your skin as I thrust into you over and over again?"
Arthur blushed "Alright, I'll give you that one, but still if I was to be dressed as Arwen you should at least dress as Aragorn."
"I would have, but my cosplay disappeared. Maybe Tony took it?" He said thoughtfully before dismissing the thought entirely. "It doesn't matter. After all," he purred "You do make one cute hobbit."
Arthur smiled as he let Alfred slowly pull him toward the table and then lay him down on top of it. As Arthur reclined he looked to the side and saw two toy replicas of Barad-dur and Orthank. His brows furrowed "Why are these on the table?" He turned back to Alfred.
Alfred paused in the unstraping of his belt and looked to the toys. "I just wanted to add some more references to the books." He pointed to the other side of the table, where the food and full mugs had been set up. "I even got ale rather then beer to make it seem more authentic."
"Alright but," Arthur picked up one of the two towers "Why these?"
"Because those are the two towers that the second book is all about."
Arthur blinked at him and then leaned up into a sitting position on the table. Alfred groaned and hung his head, recognizing that look in Arthur's eyes. "Actually you are only partially correct."
"Are we really getting into this now?" Alfred asked.
There was an open glass window next to the table that shone bright sunlight into the room. The rays of sunlight were disturbed, however, as two figures obscured its path and cast shadows into the room. Arthur and Alfred turned to see Kiku and Francis' faces peering at them. Kiku at least had the knowledge to look at little ashamed, even as he held his camera as if it were a fragile infant. Francis looked all to comfortable, as if what he was probably doing was nothing new for him. "If I may interject, you are both partially in the wrong." Kiku began softly, though as he continued to explain his voice grew more passionate and unshaken. "It is clear that in the movies they are talking about Barad-dur of Mordor and Orthank of Isengard. However, in the book it is a little less direct. In the novel it is possible they could be referring to several different towers; those two, Minas Tirith, or Minas Morgul." Though his lecture was insightful his accent with its trouble of Rs and Ls rendered his explanation more humorous then it should have been. Alfred tried not to laugh.
Arthur pushed Alfred away and got off the table "What the bloody hell are you two doing here!?" A dark blush colored his face.
"Kiku and I often team up like this because it is often more successful." Francis answered.
"Successful in what!?" Arthur raged.
"Kiku are you drawing another of those pornographic doujinshi's." Alfred asked. Yes, he was aware of Kiku's hobby but he had never known the lengths to which the Japanese man had gone. He should have realized something was odd, however, when the positions that appeared in the doujinshi were vaguely familiar.
"You knew about this and allowed it!?" Arthur turned on him.
"Of course not." Alfred answered "But I would like to know how you two knew about this."
"Oh that is simple Alfred, you were over at Matthew's house last night and you told him about your plans with England and then I told Kiku."
"I don't see how that explains how you knew?"
"I was in the bedroom and overheard you." Francis grinned.
It took only a second for the implications to click into Alfred's mind before he screamed, shut the window, and drew the curtains. "For the love of- damn it Matthew we were eating pancakes together and you had the frog in your bed the whole time! What the fuck!" He turned around to confide and comfort Arthur only to find the Brit gone. Alfred sighed, yet another failed attempts at kinky sex and another orgasmless night. He absently took the golden cock ring out of his pocket. Damn it, now he really wasn't going to be able to see if the writing did react to body heat.
Alfred looked at himself one last time in the mirror. Ok, no mistakes this time. "I. Will. Have. Sex." He whispered to himself. Seriously, with everything that was happening, even Tony was beginning to laugh at him; and the stupid alien didn't even have genitalia! Besides, this red shirt looked damn good of him. He wasn't a huge super fan of Star Trek, but he had watched a few seasons and the latest movie. This time they had decided to meet at Alfred's house. Which Alfred felt gave him the 'home field advantage' so to speak.
"Alfred," came Arthur's voice. There seemed to be a more sensual tone than usual. "I'm ready, and I think you'll really like my outfit. It's just what you wanted."
Alfred had to suppress his cheer of delight. Truthfully, he didn't know what Arthur was referring to but at this point he didn't give a fuck. He opened the bathroom door and strode out into the bedroom, only to freeze when he saw that Arthur was wearing the concubine or slave costume of Princess Leia's. Arthur raised a brow at him and Alfred stuttered, trying to save the situation "I thought you said Star Trek not Star Wars. I'm sorry. I'll go change, only take a second." Luckily Arthur nodded and Alfred made a mad dash out of the room and to his computer room, returning moments later dressed as Luke Skywalker.
He smiled and winked "How is this? I even have a lightsaber." For Emphasis he turned it on. "Wanna see what I can do with it?"
Arthur raised his brow again "If I remember correctly Leia and Luke were brother and sister."
Alfred wanted to retort "So, we were once siblings too." But decided that would not help him in his quest to make Arthur scream his name in passion. So he nodded "Forgot about that, B.R.B." He ran out of the room again and returned dressed as Han solo. "How is this?"
Arthur smiled "Very nice, now come here."
Alfred practically leaped onto the bed "Damn you look sexy in the outfit."
"I'm glad you think so." Arthur wrapped his legs around Alfred's hips.
Alfred could feel the evident bulge against his stomach "Are you... not wearing anything under that skirt."
Arthur nodded "And I already stretched myself with lube and my fingers. So you don't have to wait."
It was too good to be true "Awesome. Light speed here I come-" the kick to his stomach had him sputtering and coughing as he fell out of the bed. He curled into a ball on the floor in pain.
"Light speed!" Arthur growled "So you just want it over with as soon as possible? You don't even care about my pleasure do you?" Alfred didn't make a sound. He just rolled over on his stomach and buried his face into one of the pillows that had fallen off the bed. Not again. Fuck, not again. "Are you even listening to me? Say something!" Alfred didn't. He continued to lay there in his own misery. "I have had enough of this I am leaving!" Alfred heard Arthur get off the bed and heard the door slam behind him.
Three months. Three god awful rip out my spinal cord I'm so bored and lonely what the fuck is wrong with me months. Alfred sunk down in the chair he was sitting in. The TV was playing one of his favorite movies but he wasn't interested. He kept thinking about Arthur, what had happened, what he wished had happened, and how to fix it. Truthfully their relationship was still rather new. They had only started thinking of one another in a romantic sense a few years ago. Over those years he had learned that whenever something happened between them usually it was he who had to do the apologizing. He didn't quite understand why, but apologizing never came easily to Arthur. So, Alfred was always the one to apologize and mend their relationship. However, how an apology would make up for all this he did not know. No, he had to do something else. But what? Then it hit him. It sounded crazy... hell it could even be considered stupid, but it just might work. He jumped out of the chair and ran to his phone. He called Arthur and received a rather annoyed greeting.
"Do you have any bloody idea the time difference between our countries!?"
"One more time."
"One more time. I want to try it just one more time. I promise if it doesn't work out I'll... do whatever you want me to do."
"...One more time."
"Because this time will be different, I'm sure of it."
"You're being cocky again." Arthur sighed "Fine, but if it doesn't work out... your country has to switch to the metric system."
"Deal. My place, this weekend." Alfred grinned. It was a steep price, but he was sure of himself. Before he hung up he said "I love you, goodnight." Just because he knew it would make Arthur smile.
"... I...love you too, good morning Alfred."
Somewhere between pointing guns at each others heads and chasing one another around Alfred's house, they'd started kissing, dry humping, and tarring the clothes off their bodies. Hell they hadn't even bothered to try and make it toward a bedroom. They had both become so turned on and desperate that the floor had been the only option. Alfred reveled in the feel and sounds that Arthur made, as well as his own satisfaction. Dear god this idea was perfect! Why hadn't they just done this in the first place! Arthur was practically all over him. Crushing him into the carpet as he leaned over him, devouring him with kisses. It seemed Arthur was just as turned on, if not more, then he was.
Alfred chuckled "Wow there lil' darling." Both their pants had already been ripped from their bodies and Arthur's bare bottom was currently pressing and teasing the hell out of his erection. Alfred bucked upward and smiled when Arthur gasped and bit his lower lip. "What's wrong city slicker?" Alfred smirked "Don't know how to ride?"
Arthur glared down at him with passionate fire burning in his eyes "I'm double-O-seven," He retorted "Of course I know how to ride." All Arthur wore was a white blouse shirt and jacket. The rest of his clothes were somewhere around the house.
Alfred tilted the front of his cowboy hat back "Without falling off?"
"I won't fall off, as long as you promise I won't want to get off."
Alfred chuckled "You're a horny little kitten aren't you?" Alfred groaned as he pressed up against Arthur "Why don't your ride it babe." His hands went to Arthur hips and with little warning he angled Arthur just right before thrusting inside. Arthur gasped and opened his mouth in a wordless scream as Alfred yelled "Yeehaw!"
Arthur groaned and pressed the gun back to Alfred's head "Don't make me shoot you."
Alfred only grinned. "But darling, I want your gun to go off before mine."
He continued to buck upwards and Arthur met him thrusts for thrust. He could literally feel the Englishman clenching around him on every upward stroke. The whole house reverberated with Arthur's cries and their joined moans.
And that is why America still does not really use the metric system
A/N: For any of you are interested I have a new poll in my profile to see what pairing you reviewers what to see me write more erotic one-shots of.
Inspired by the actually video 'Geek Sex' which can be found by typing into google 'Geek Sex funny video'. It should be the first one that comes up and is titled 'Geek Sex from THE HOUSE – Funny orDie.'