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Title: Vertigo (1/13)

Author: Icicle

Pairing(s): Severus/Draco, past Severus/Lily

Summary: I thought that I would never feel again, not after losing her. But something about him, about this insane yet beautiful boy, has awakened feelings deep within me that I thought were long dead.

Word Count: ~23K total

Rating: T for now but will be M in future chapters

Warnings: mentions of violence/abuse and self-loathing, age disparity: (37/17), no chan occurs but Draco kisses Severus when he's still 16, angst (not sure how you can write Snaco without angst), sloppy blowjobs, m/m sex, Wartime AU

Author's Notes: For this fic, pretend that Snape didn't die by Nagini's bite. Actually, pretend that most of DH didn't happen, except for Severus really working for Dumbledore the entire time. This story is mostly compliant through HBP and written for the Snape/Draco fest on livejournal. A special thank you to my lovely betas Evening12 and Ashiiblack, who helped me even though they don't ship Snaco. Comments make my day.



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"Children spin in circles until they collapse with dizziness. Vertigo takes them over. Adults foolishly believe they're immune." ~Thomas Ligotti

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. 1 .

The Malfoys have always been beautiful—with their pale blond hair, aristocratic features, and elegant posture. That cannot be denied. Narcissa was always the talk of the school. All the boys wanted her and Lucius was no different. Even Lucius had his fair share of admirers. Of both sexes. Although I will refrain from calling him beautiful, his sharp elegance and stark confidence has always captivated those around him, including myself. I don't like to admit to weaknesses. They are few and numbered; however, when it comes to beauty, it has always been my downfall.

While I may have appreciated Narcissa's beauty, the only woman I have ever loved is Lily Evans. I know this sounds prosaic and overly sentimental, especially for a Slytherin, but I fell in love with Lily the first time I met her. I saw her from a distance, her fiery red hair reflecting the sunlight in stunning waves of amber, orange, and gold. It made my breath catch and my chest ache, my head incredibly dizzy. I was only a child and did not understand the complexity of what I was feeling. But what I did know—was that more than anything—I needed to find a way to know that little girl. It wasn't easy, but eventually, I befriended her, no thanks to that horrid sister of hers.

Lily was even more beautiful once I got to know her. She had this dazzling smile that warmed an entire room when she entered. And it wasn't just her beauty either. Lily was intelligent. One of the smartest witches I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. We spent many hours working together, researching. I still believe that between the two of us we could have changed the world. That didn't happen.

Everyone knows what happened instead. I lost her. She was cruelly stolen from me, not once but twice, by that arrogant son of bitch James Potter, who couldn't even keep her safe. Alive. I'll never understand why certain events played out the way they did, but lingering in the past only leaves me with empty bottles of firewhiskey and too many sleepless nights. Lily Evans broke my heart on more than one occasion, and I promised myself that I would never succumb to the foolishness of the heart again. Until now.

Years have passed since Lily's demise, and as much as I tell Albus that I'm not still punishing myself for her death, I am. For the last five years, I have remained celibate. So many years were spent drowning in the sorrows of regret, self-medicating through various potions and self-isolation that I never even miss it. Besides, it's not as if any opportunities come up teaching these gormless brats year after year. Even my Slytherins never have anyone worthwhile.

Over the years, more than a few of my female students have been willing to engage in a bit of extra credit, but my cock has no desire to indulge in such wanton behaviour with mindless tarts. And, of course, there's Albus. He is the only person in the entire wizarding world, who trusts me completely and has given me a second chance.

I cannot let him down. Perhaps I sound like a foolish Hufflepuff, but I owe Albus everything, much more than I can ever repay. The only thing he asks of me is not to fornicate with his students and follow the rules of his school. At this point, I don't even know if my cock works, and I'm not in a hurry to find out.

At least I wasn't until him.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading. This story is complete and has 13 chapters. I will post 1-2 times a week and faster if people are really enjoying the fic. Don't worry this is just the intro to set up the story. Draco comes into play in the next chapter.