AAAAHHHH! I GOT BAD REVIEWS! THE WORLD IS ENDING! I MUST NOT WRITE ANOTHER WORD!
To everyone who read my story and liked it, thank you.
To Lord Sigfry, for leaving such a 'kind' comment, I'll only say: If ya don't got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.
To, and I quote: "Universal-Public-Cockblocker", if you don't like my story, then why in the hell did you read up to chapter 4? You don't have to read it if you don't like it, and for future reference, you might want to tone down the douchebaggery. Seriously, you can make someone really miserable with comments like that.
So without further ado, yet another chapter for this story, hope you all enjoy.
Naruto cracked his eye open blearily and immediately repeated what he'd been thinking for years. "The Sun is an ass."
He looked over to his right towards the kitchen and his eye widened. "Speaking of ass..."
"What was that, dear?" a female voice asked sweetly, and he blanched.
"N-nothing, Ashara," he said hastily, his eye tracking the ladle she held loosely. He'd seen her with that thing before, and had learned to fear it.
Then he looked down again and he bit his lip. Holy crap, that ass!
Ashara Dayne whistled jauntily, lightly stirring the soup she was making. A light dusting of red came over her cheeks as she imagined the look on Naruto's face. Given the fact that she was wearing an apron... and nothing else... she shouldn't be surprised if he couldn't keep his eyes off her.
She idly looked over as Elia entered through the front door and smirked as the princess of Dorne turned red at her state of dress. No matter how many times it happened, Elia always had that adorable blush whenever Ashara was less than fully clothed.
"Elia!" Naruto said cheerily and swept up the startled woman in a hug. "I missed you!"
She simply sighed; he was incorrigible. "I only went around the cottage to get some more meat from the deer Ashara got last night. Honestly, it wasn't very far."
"Still missed you," he said stubbornly and she sighed again.
Moving out of his embrace, she approached the kitchen and dropped a small bag of meat next to Ashara. "What are you making?"
"Bit of stew for us," she said brightly.
Elia frowned at her. "Never thought of you as a housewife." Ashara wasn't really the type of woman who stayed at home while the men did all the work.
She was stopped from thinking more when the violet-eyed woman gave an unladylike snort. "Bloody right I'm not. Who said I was cooking for Naruto?"
Elia blinked. "Um..."
"I said us, as in you and me. We did all the work. Never said I was gonna cook for a useless lump."
Naruto's face fell. The stew smelled really good. Then he grinned.
Ashara gave a small 'eep!' as he wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck. "Please Ashara? I'll do anything you want!"
She smirked. "Oh, really? Anything, Naruto?"
He grinned. "I bet you'll be only too happy for me to have stew after this..."
"O-ho! You think you can make me feed you?"
"I know I can. Want to find out how?"
"Mm, sounds interesting..."
"Will you two cut it out!" Elia screamed, then blushed furiously. She hadn't meant to be that loud.
Ashara turned to her with a grin. "Aw, is little Elia getting jealous?"
She looked down and pouted. "I didn't say that..."
"No need for any jealousy here," Naruto said and kissed the princess of Dorne on the lips.
This time it was Ashara's turn to pout as Elia moaned into Naruto's mouth.
"Bloody hell, Naruto, how are you such a good kisser?" she asked when he disengaged, leaving Elia breathless and blushing. "And for that matter, why are you so fucking good in bed?"
Naruto smiled slightly and reached out a finger, touching Ashara on the forehead.
She immediately had to stifle a moan as a rush of pleasure surged through her body, causing her knees to weaken and her center to grow damp.
He grinned broadly. "My chakra is rather unique. Since I have so much of it in my body, I'm constantly emitting some from my, er... extremities. I've been told that it's very nice for any woman who chooses to have sex with me."
"You don't say," Elia muttered, still blushing.
Naruto was ready to say more when suddenly a wash of memories surged over him, and his eye widened. "Oh, crap."
"I forgot about Sansa!" he said, panicking. "I promised to be there for her next lesson!"
He ran out the door and disappeared in a flash of yellow light. For a second, there was silence.
"...did he just ditch us?" Ashara asked, cursing under her breath.
"I think he did," Elia said faintly. Just like Naruto to get two women hot and bothered and then disappear because he forgot something important.
Ashara frowned as well, but then smiled and turned to Elia with a gleam in her eyes. "Well, I certainly know other ways to pass the time."
Elia gulped as Ashara advanced on her. She'd smack Naruto silly when he got back.
Sansa Stark tapped her foot impatiently.
She'd been waiting for over twenty minutes, and was starting to get annoyed.
A yellow flash appeared and Naruto skidded to a stop in front of her.
"Sorry, sorry! I forgot about today!" he said hurriedly, and she raised an eyebrow.
"Oh really?" she said, adopting a long-suffering look. "And why, exactly, did you forget?"
Naruto winced; that was the tone Cat used when she was cranky. "Erm, well, that's kinda private..."
She huffed and hefted the wooden practice sword she'd been holding. "Well, since I've been waiting 20 minutes, you don't get a sword today."
He shrugged. "Don't need one."
Narrowing her eyes, Sansa stepped forward. "Yeah, that might be true. I'm not really sure-" her sentence was interrupted as she swung the practice sword upwards, hoping to catch him off guard.
Naruto idly tilted his head back, the head of the practice sword whistling past his chin with a scant inch to spare. "Good. Attack when the enemy isn't ready."
Spinning the sword around, she thrust at his eye, which blinked lazily as he sidestepped. "Go for the weak spot. Or blind spot, as the case may be."
This continued for a few minutes, Sansa trying to hit Naruto, who occasionally threw out helpful advice. Finally, a panting Sansa stopped, while Naruto just grinned, his breathing perfectly even. "Good. You're getting better."
She glared at him. "You always say that."
"Cause it's true. Don't underestimate yourself Sansa. That kind of attitude is unhelpful and useless."
Her glare held for a second, before her shoulders sagged. "Not much worse than me, then..."
"Oi," Naruto said irritably, flicking her forehead with a finger. "Don't be such a downer. Seriously, you've gotten a lot better!"
Rubbing her forehead, she finally sighed, before giving him a smile. "Alright then, teacher, start teaching."
He grinned and sat down; after a second, she did the same. "Well, since you seem at least adept with a practice sword, let's move on to the more interesting stuff. You'll never be the strongest fighter; you don't really have the build for that. But you don't need to be too strong, you need to be fast and precise."
In less time that it took her to blink, Naruto's fist flashed forward and stopped a centimeter from her nose. "Speed converts to force. If you get fast enough, you'll be able to hit really hard. Being precise helps to find the chinks in the armor, hitting where the enemy is weakest."
She frowned. "But if I hit hard enough, won't I be able to hack through armor?"
He shook his head. "You can, but it's not such a good idea. Being precise is a lot more useful. Humans are delicate creatures. It takes less than a pound of pressure to cut skin, and a lot more to cut iron, to say nothing of the really hard metals out there, like Valyrian steel. If you can hit soft tissue, you're much more likely to win a fight. 'Sides, the weapons I'm thinking of giving you won't really be made for that sort of thing, the slicing and cutting."
Her frown deepened. "So I need to be precise?" she asked, and he nodded.
"And quick. Your enemy won't wait around for you to look for a chink in his armor. They'll be hacking and slashing at you, which is where speed comes in. I've been training you to be able to dodge and swerve around strikes, and to deflect them if necessary. That's what the weights are for."
She looked down at her ankles, where two strips of paper where attached. "I still don't see how these are possible."
He grinned. "Those are chakra weights. The more chakra inside, the heavier they get. I've been training you to have stamina, speed and quick reflexes. Those are the three things that are most important to your safety." Naruto thought for a second, a bemused look on his face. "Even after all this time, it still feels weird being a teacher."
"I can tell," she said, smiling, and he scowled.
"Alright, you've just earned yourself ten laps around the castle. Shoo."
Her smile dropped and she sighed. Some of Naruto's teaching methods left a lot to be desired, but she obediently got up and began to run.
"You'll never finish at that pace!" he said, idly chucking a kunai at her back. She ducked with a sigh and it sailed over her head, impacting on a nearby wall and sinking almost halfway in. Sighing again, she sped up. Naruto's tendency to throw sharp objects at things that annoyed him was somewhat grating at times.
Making sure she was running, Naruto got up and stretched, before jumping up to the top of the tower and looking around for something interesting to do. Ned, Jon, Arya and Sansa were all heading out on the Kingsroad today to head down to King's Landing.
Ned's younger brother Benjen, who was the First Ranger of the Night's Watch, had arrived the night before, and he had a suspicion about where Jon might be headed. Oh well. The little crow would probably flap around in the snow for a while then get promoted and become all surly and crass like Jeor Mormont.
Snickering softly at the thought of the Old Bear, he jumped down and landed lightly on the ground fifty feet below.
Hm, what to do.
He could hang around the kitchens, maybe work a little on the ramen recipe he was trying to finish, or find Jaime Lannister and prank the hell out of him. He could head back to Elia and Ashara.
He smiled a little at the thought of the two women.
Ashara Dayne had been one of the first people he'd rescued in Westeros, saving her from jumping off a tower after the loss of her child. He'd given her a stern dressing down afterwards, involving many flicking fingers and several harsh words. Then he'd brought her to Winterfell and built the cabin.
Later, during the sack of King's Landing, he'd found Elia Martell.
His smile disappeared.
Even after all this time, the anger still remained, and he doubted it would lessen any time soon.
Sighing and shaking his head, Naruto looked around and his eye focused on the bunch of people getting ready to go. Ned and Robert, Cersei and Jaime, Tyrion, Joffrey, Tommen, Myrcella, Sansa, Arya and Jon. They were the ones going, while everyone else was staying at Winterfell.
Spotting the King laughing with a wineskin in his hand, Naruto opened his mouth.
"OI, ROBERT! GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!"
The Usurper of the Crown, First of his Name, King of the Who-sits and What-sits almost choked on his wine, to say nothing of his guards. "I beg your pardon!?"
"Hurry up or I'll pour itching powder in your trousers again."
It was actually kind of surprising how fast a man of Robert's size could move when properly motivated.
What was more surprising was the glare that was leveled at him by the one-eyed teen, who motioned to a door nearby. Having to squeeze in, Robert did his best to appear kingly, but Naruto's raised eyebrow told him that the blond wasn't impressed. The room was pretty spartan, only a single desk, two chairs and a painting on the wall of some previous Lord of Winterfell.
"What's all this about, then?" Robert sniffed.
"It's about you, for the most part. And don't look so bloody pleased, I'm not finished yet. You've been letting things go to shit."
"Shut up," the blond said shortly. "I'm pissed off right now, so I thought we'd have a chat. Particularly about your son."
Robert blinked for a few seconds, then sniffed and raised an eyebrow. "Tommen? He's a fine young-"
A sharp smacking sound echoed through the room as Naruto slammed his palm on the desk, his right eye simmering as he glared at the King. "I am really not in the mood for this right now, Robert."
Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Robert sagged a little and nodded. "What is it?"
"Take a wild guess."
"Among other things. But for now, let's start with him," Naruto said, sitting down in the chair and folding his hands together, his index fingers sticking up and tapping his nose, while Robert remained standing. "You've seen how he acts. He's a vile, arrogant, cruel, bloodthirsty little jerk."
Robert narrowed his eyes and drew himself up, glaring down his nose at the blond who was a good six inches shorter than him and currently sitting. "You are speaking about the Crown Prince, Naruto."
The shinobi, utterly unimpressed, crossed his arms. "I am speaking about a jumped up little shit who thinks that because his daddy's fat arse is on the throne that the world belongs to him. I told Cersei and I'll tell you, Joffrey doesn't belong with any seat of power whatsoever, least of all the highest in Westeros."
Robert blinked, then glared at his friend. "You talked to my wife?"
Naruto stood up and glared right back. "For your information, nothing like what your thinking of occurred. It was a talk, nothing more. And given how you've been acting, I'm surprised you even have the balls to be angry about it. But I'll get to your... display... later. How could you let your son grow up like that?"
"With that viper whispering in his ear, I'm not surprised he turned out the way he did!" Robert growled, pacing around. "She poisons his every thought, encouraging loyalty only to her and the Lannisters!"
The shinobi gave a short, harsh laugh. "Kami, can you hear yourself? That 'viper' that you're talking about happens to be the woman you swore to love and remain faithful to, as good as that turned out. And also, I've met her, you asshole. She's nice, if a little sharp-tongued at times." Naruto drew back and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Robert, you're my friend, but you are being such a little brat. Stop blaming everyone else and take some damn responsibility for once in your life. If you had actually tried to be a father to your son, or to any of your children for that matter, how different would you think things would be?"
"I'm not in the habit of bemoaning my lot in life," Robert growled and Naruto raised an eyebrow.
"Clearly. All those women and all that booze is a completely healthy habit and is not at all related to losing the love of your life," he said sarcastically.
Robert stopped pacing and turned to his friend, his eyes blazing. "Don't... you... dare... bring her into this."
Naruto breathed through his nose as his eye momentarily flickered to a dark, angry purple. "You lost Lyanna Stark, the only person you were ever willing to change for. That sucks, but it is what it is. Stop punishing yourself and everyone else around you."
The King gritted his teeth and crossed his arms. "I hate that phrase."
Naruto leaned over the desk, his weight on his fists. "It is what it is."
"Make me. It is what it is."
"I swear to the Mother, Naruto, if you don't stop..."
"It... is... what... it... is," the blond said slowly, daring the King to do something.
Snorting like an angry bull, Robert then sat down in the chair heavily. He closed his eyes and looked like he was thinking a lot, then stopped and sighed. "...right."
"You're right!" the King almost shouted, before he sagged into the chair, looking exhausted. "You're right. I've been doing everything but what I should be."
"You can say that again," Naruto said, giving one last glare before sighing and sitting down as well. "You and I both know that you were never going to be a good ruler, Robert. Your heart isn't in it. You like battle, blood rushing, booze, women with no expectations. You're not the kind of guy who likes responsibility and you're all around pretty lazy."
Robert looked at him flatly. "Thank you for pointing all that out."
"You're quite welcome."
The King relaxed into his chair and closed his eyes. "I dreamed for a while, you know. Dreamed of taking my warhammer out to the Free Cities, of warring and whoring my way through life. The sellsword king, how the singers would love me. You know what stops me? The thought of my son on the throne, with all the power and none of the morals. How could I, Naruto? How could I make a son like that?"
"You didn't make him that way, Robert," the shinobi replied. "I don't believe that people are born evil. Even if they are, they should still be raised by their parents to know the difference between good and bad. Thing is, you weren't there for Joffrey, and he's so desperate for your approval that he'd be willing to do anything."
Robert looked at his friend, searching for answers to the entire situation. "So what do I do?"
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "The hell should I know? My world was a lot less complicated than this one."
Groaning and putting his head in his hands, Robert sighed. "Well, you've been absolutely no help at all."
"I try," Naruto said, his lips twitching, before he settled back with a huff. "Things have gotten bad. The Night's Watch hasn't had numbers or support this low in centuries, the Iron Bank of Braavos is breathing down the crown's neck because of Littlefinger's borrowing, and most of the lords of the Seven Kingdoms are at each other's throats. So start acting like a king, or I'll kick your arse off the throne and make Ned take it."
Robert snorted. "He'd probably do better than me."
"Oh, he definitely would, he just hates politics. At least he'd make an effort. And also, I'm glad your taking this so well, 'cause I was being gentle."
Robert looked over at his friend. "What do you mean?"
Naruto sighed and stood up, walking over to the door. As he put a hand on the door handle, without turning around, he spoke. "I don't want to have this conversation again, Robert. You take a little time, sort yourself out, but sooner or later you'll have to start acting like a King and a father."
The shinobi opened the door and walked out, leaving the King with his thoughts. Then his head stuck back in. "And also, try at least talking to Cersei? You might find her less of a 'viper' than you think."
Walking outside, Naruto groaned and ran a hand through his hair. Sometime he understood how Shikamaru felt. Everyone was so troublesome.
Spotting Ned and Robb having a discussion, he walked over. "What's up with you guys?"
"I'll be leaving in a few minutes for King's Landing," Ned muttered. "Robb doesn't seem to think that it's a good idea."
"You can't trust the Lannisters, father," Robb said, exasperated. "Those three siblings and their scheming-"
"We've been over this, Robb," Ned said. "If they scheme, they'll draw the attention of the real most powerful man in Westeros."
"Aw, thanks, Ned," Naruto said happily. "That's such a nice thing to say!"
The Warden of the North blinked and looked over at him. "I was talking about Tywin, their father."
"...In that case, screw you," he said, his smile replaced by a surly pout. "I'll only retract that when you admit I'm the strongest."
Without waiting for a reply, he turned on his heel and walked over to the horses again.
They both blinked for a few seconds, then sighed. Such a drama queen.
"It's hard to believe how vain he can be at times," Robb muttered, rubbing his temple.
Ned agreed, but his lips curled upward nonetheless. "Maybe, but he is still our friend," he said, looking at his son and clasping him on the shoulder. "Come on, Robb. I have a kingdom to run and an obscenely powerful child to manage. It should be great fun."
Kay, this chapter is done. Hope everyone enjoys!