Title: heartache delivered from my lover
Summary: "I have a curse," she says, "I fall in love with anyone I see." ToriBeck, ToriCat, ToriJade, ToriAndré, ToriRobbie, ToriRyder
Author's Note: I like these kinds of stories because I'm creepy. Also da end iz supposed 2 symb0lize dat beng a $lut is r0ng l0l duh.
ALSO WAIT I REALLY LIKE TORIROBBIE I THINK.
"I have a curse," she says.
"I fall in love with anyone I see."
Tori is dancing outside in the rain. Her limbs are tangling with the night sky and her toes are in the dead grass, and there hasn't been much water this summer, but she can almost feel the drops of rain on her head. She can remember his fingers (his fingers against her throat, her thighs, crawling up her shirt) and the way he laughed against her toes and said, it's raining, like it was the most beautiful thing. And then he looked at her, like she was the only thing that could really be the most beautiful thing and he smiled like it was a second skin.
She likes to remember him when she's under her covers alone. She can imagine him next to her on her pillow, his shaggy brown hair splayed against her girly pink pillow, His brown eyes would be crinkled in joy or lust or something she could only hope for. And there is so much emotion in the atoms that make her up and she feels so light, like she will raise to the sky and there will be nothing but her and the clouds and the birds that held her tightly, and he says, you're so beautiful. And she feels like this is the realest thing, even if it is her brain tricking her, she feels the realness of him against her skin and she can feel the warmth of their organs, so close. Unbearably close and yet not close enough.
She doesn't like to come to the conclusion she always does when he is away from her, which is that he doesn't love her, and he never will love her as much as she needs.
There's nothing sinful about the way Tori's lips meet Cat's. They don't need to go fast, because time is their friend and no one suspects that this goes on when they have their weekly sleepovers. They move languidly and together they breathe . Cat tastes like chocolate and mangos and Tori likes the way things are effortless. With Cat, there are no hallelujah chorus or complicated plot twists. There is pleasure and kisses and laughter. There are fun things they do together, like kissing on the spinning strawberry rides at the carnival, even though their heads are dizzy. There was the time that Tori dared Cat to eat an entire tub of ice cream and for days after, Tori could still taste the strawberry on Cat's lips.
There was something about Cat that Tori would never have with the others. Maybe it was the way that Tori could always be Cat's friend, even if they didn't kiss anymore and didn't spend the nights doing dirty things. If one of them didn't want to do it anymore, they'd just stop. There was just joy between them; lightness and happiness. There was no hard edged passion or aggression. There was just the smiles and the secret kisses and the spiny feeling in Tori's stomach, like she had ridden too many roller coasters.
She wouldn't tell anyone this, but she doesn't think she would ever give up what she has with Cat. There's something nice about being so happy about something so wrong.
But there's something utterly sinful about when Jade kisses her, because Jade bites and then gently brushes away every indent her teeth left. Tori feels like a dirty little secret in Jade's arms. When Jade kisses her body in a trail that only goes down, Tori feels like her lifeline is slowly fraying. But she'll kiss Jade back as roughly as she can, and Jade wraps her arms around Tori, because even though she pretends she doesn't love her, she does. Tori is good at telling about love, because she is love. Tori is love and she is acceptance, but there is something sinful about kissing Jade.
Jade asks her once, what's the worst thing you've ever done? She asks because she's bored and she has her period but wanted company and Tori says, you. Jade looks at her with her steel gaze and then laughs and it makes Tori feel soft inside, like she'll turn into goo and then Jade kisses her hard like she means it. They fuck hard and dirty, even though Jade was like ew, you totally want to touch me on my period, Tori says, well, yeah. I like touching you.
Because even though Tori thinks kissing Jade is sinful, it doesn't mean that she doesn't like it anyway.
André kisses her and it feels like a nice dream. Tori likes André's kisses like she loves puppies or kittens, because to her, André is cute. Tori loves André, but doesn't love him. She kisses him and sometimes, when she's bored, she'll let him have sex with her – but he doesn't call it that. He calls it making love and it makes Tori feel very itchy and very self-aware because when they have sex, he stares at her the whole time, like she is the whole world. Sex with André is good but sometimes, it makes her feel dirty because she doesn't think it is the same for her as it is for him.
She tells André one day that sex with him is like hugging someone and he looks at her in that way when he doesn't understand a word she's saying. And then he kind of gets it, and pushes her against a wall and fucks her. He leaves bruises on her hipbones and she's all out of breath after, like she's just run a really long race. Let's do that again, she says when she gets her breath back. Her eyes are bright and then she looks at him and he is staring at the ground. No, he says back. I think I'm going to leave. But then she takes his hands and gently kisses him on the lips, and he stays because he always stays.
Because the thing about André is that he will always love her, because she is his entire world. Tori thinks this is the only reason why she stays.
Tori ends up in Robbie's bed with a horrible hangover and all of her clothes on. When he comes in, he covers his eyes anyway, like her dress still makes her indecent. It's that moment that Tori asks him something she'd already guessed the answer to. Have you ever had sex before, Robbie? She twirls her hair and smiles coltishly, trying to forget the banging in her head. He shakes his head back and forth and as she sits up and pulls off her dress, his eyes widen. He practically throws himself onto his bed, which she giggles about before kissing him. He kisses surprisingly well, no teeth or too much tongue. He snakes his hands around her and she presses against him, eliciting a gasp from his mouth. She laughs again, and his glasses are fogged up and she takes off her bra and then his pants and then –
Well, Robbie is a man, after all. He takes off her underwear and she enjoys herself way more than she was expecting. She teaches him a few things too, and then she accidentally breaks his glasses and he doesn't even care, which turns her on further. You look better without your glasses, she says later, when she's buttoning up her shirt. And then he says, you look better without your clothes, and then blushes fiercely. She smiles at him and kisses him again and when she leaves, she realizes that she kind of misses him.
The day after at school, he looks at her across the lunch table and she presses her leg against his, and she wonders if he knows that it means that she loves him or wants him or whatever. He smiles at her, and she smiles at the table because her heart skipped a beat.
She has sex with Ryder on their first "date" thing or whatever and he zips up his pants and jacket after and gets ready to leave. Wait, she says, I know this is totally lame but my parents aren't home and it's kind of lonely here. He raises his eyebrows but still, he takes off his jacket and then after a moment of thought, he takes off his pants too.
So, he says, do you want to blow me?
She says yes because loving Ryder is loving his body, and nothing else.
"I have a curse," she says.
"I use the people I love because I don't love me."