Tag to 8.04, "Bitten."

(Sam, Dean, and Castiel are walking around Lowe's. They've just left Dick's Sporting Goods, where they bought night vision goggles, a case for the guns, and new hiking boots, which they are currently wearing. Castiel pushes a shopping cart as Sam and Dean load things into it. People occasionally stop to stare at them. Mostly at Castiel.)

SAM: (fighting a laugh) You look uncomfortable, Cas. You all right over there?

CASTIEL: (wiggles a foot in front of him) These shoes are…painful.

DEAN: New boots always are, man. You got to break 'em in.

CASTIEL: I'm aware that my suit and coat were inappropriate hunting apparel, but I'm uncertain that this is any more fitting.

(Castiel is wearing a pair of Jordache jeans that were on clearance in a nearby strip mall. He's also wearing a rather snug button-down shirt and a denim vest, also by Jordache. A camouflage hunting jacket rests on the side of the shopping cart. Dean smiles proudly, clapping him on the shoulder.)

DEAN: You look fine, Cas. You just gotta get used to the feel of jeans.

SAM: (grinning) You definitely don't look like the sexy 'new guy' in a Duck Dynasty porno, if that's what you were thinking.

DEAN: Be nice. He'll get used to the new duds. 'Sides, we're not made of money. I mean, we haven't hustled pool since at least season five. I have no idea how we've paid for anything since "Swan Song."

SAM: Bobby?

DEAN: He died a season and a half ago. And we paid Frank five or ten grand to find Dick Roman.

SAM: Maybe I robbed banks while I had no soul.

CASTIEL: (continues walking awkwardly while pushing the shopping cart)

SAM: You can keep your legs together a little more, Cas. You look like you're trying to keep your balls from touching.

CASTIEL: These pants…they're very close-fitting.

DEAN: It's the best we could do, man. You're bigger than me down there.

SAM: (raises eyebrow)

DEAN: (gestures at TV screens on the back wall of the store) Hey! It's us!

SAM: They sell TVs here?

DEAN: (waving him off) Come on, let's go watch. There're lawn chairs back there.

CASTIEL: Shouldn't we be shopping for supplies?

SAM: (hands Castiel the list) Here. Knock yourself out.


SAM: You gotta learn this stuff, man. You want to be a hunter, right?

CASTIEL: Yes, but-

DEAN: Sam's right. Hop to it. We'll see you in forty-two minutes.

CASTIEL: (sighs and walks away, heading for the gardening section)

DEAN: (drops into a pool chair beside Sam) Aw, man! It's been forever since I sat in one of these!

SAM: Right? We should get some for the Bat Cave.

DEAN: (gestures at the screen) Look at this. Really? The horror movie "Play Me" DVD? What is this, One Missed Call?

SAM: I still can't believe we actually stooped to teen-blood-flick level.

DEAN: Pink Post-It is a nice touch, too.

SAM: Was there really nothing else that needed screen time? Like, say, some closure regarding the big mouths? Some more info on Purgatory and what all happened there?

DEAN: Nope.

SAM: And oh, look. "Things should never have ended this way." Guess it's a good thing he took the time to edit his werewolf snuff film in iMovie before he left.

DEAN: He added that one-letter-at-a-time-effect, too. Really went all out.

SAM: He is the president of AV club, after all.

DEAN: (groans) Oh, man. He's a "nice guy."

SAM: What's wrong with being a nice guy?

DEAN: Not an actual nice guy. Some asshat who hounds chicks who are clearly not into him and secretly resents them while pretending to be friends. Bonus points for doing it to a male friend, too.

SAM: Yeah, this does feel like that, doesn't it? And weren't there like five girls at that table?

DEAN: None of them are good enough for Mr. Nice Guy, though.

SAM: And she wants to work for a green tech company. I'm getting Birdemic vibes from this.

DEAN: She even looks like that Natalie chick! And she's certainly skinny enough to be a fashion model.

SAM: And a beautiful one, too.

DEAN: (laughs)

SAM: "Double hippie?" What does that even mean? They're two separate people! How is that "double"?

DEAN: (laughs again)

SAM: Uh…who's holding the camera above More Attractive Friend and the Fashion Model while they kiss? Mr. Nice Guy is on the other side of the room!

DEAN: Whoops!

SAM: His camera has magical zoom. He can see the teacher's lapel pin from two hundred feet away.

DEAN: Oh, god, now they're trying to be deep and poetic. "A Christ figure?" And why did she bring that up out of the blue?

SAM: I forgot about that Lord of the Flies bullshit. It so doesn't fit this scenario at all, but they're gonna force it in anyway.

DEAN: Look at this fake acne on the side of his neck! It looks like he got splattered by Leviathan blood.

SAM: All the good makeup artists left with Kripke, I guess. It's been pretty much all CGI since then.

DEAN: Holy shit! Did someone just walk up and punch him in the head?

SAM: Yep. Just punched him in the head, called the other guy and ass hat, and bailed.

DEAN: What, no time to dump his books? Aren't they like seniors in college?

SAM: What a cool dude. Yes…let's record a real grisly murder scene for our movie, and include the cops in it. Cause that's how the world works!

DEAN: Ethics! You got 'em, Nice Guy.

SAM: Hey, it's us!

DEAN: In really high definition!

SAM: I kind of like the More Attractive Friend now. He's funny. And I'm definitely the Rizzoli between us. And she's really hot in this aggressive sort of way.

DEAN: Yeah, you love a woman that can kick some ass, don't you Sam? Is that why you're always banging monsters?

SAM: (flips Dean off)

DEAN: (shrugs) Hey, man, whatever floats your boat. I'm cool being Isles. She's a classy chick. Plus she's loaded.

SAM: (laughs) I love that More Attractive Friend and Fashion Model angle the camera at themselves whenever they kiss or do something. It's almost like they knew they were filming an episode of a show and were being directed to film certain shots.

DEAN: Sam! Don't be ridiculous, okay? These are candid shots from a Real Life Horror Story.

SAM: And…it's us again.

DEAN: How the hell did we not see them creeping on us right there? That tree trunk is tiny and doesn't hide shit.

SAM: They weren't exactly being quiet either, were they?

DEAN: Just…right in our faces.

SAM: …Whoa. AV club kids are creeps.

DEAN: Very loud, obvious creeps.

SAM: Why are they filming that couple and giggling? What are they, nine?

DEAN: Blair Witch time!

SAM: Ah, the spontaneously malfunctioning camera. A horror movie staple.

DEAN: It was just sitting on the ground. Is there a reason it kept blanking out?

SAM: The bite's gone. That's unusual.

DEAN: And he just pulled a Clark Kent and yanked a door off its hinges one-handed.

SAM: "Maybe you got bit by an alien?" "That would explain the FBI?"

DEAN: It's the only explanation for why the FBI was at a grisly college murder scene, Sam.

SAM: "Finally found my movie!"

DEAN: No reason to be concerned about your friend's welfare, Mr. Nice Guy. If he dies, you and Martha Mae Who can get together. And you'll have a sweet movie, with a real crime scene and a dead friend, the whole nine. Son of a bitch.

SAM: And that's what he takes from this. His best friend, who's been nothing but nice to him for their whole college career, gets viciously bitten by a monster in the woods, and all he can think about is where he can get powers, too. So that he can get laid. Because that's what's important right now.

DEAN: Like I said…dick.

SAM: (laughing) So…do they just have all these waist-height cameras set up all over the house? If not, how are they getting these shots?

DEAN: Shhhhh!

SAM: Look at More Attractive Friend run off with the bong! I love this guy.

DEAN: (shaking his head) Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Look at that hair. That is a thing of beauty.

SAM: Shut up, Dean.

DEAN: How do you do that flip? Just look at it bounce as you go down the steps!

SAM: (laughing) "I am a golden god."

DEAN: Why is he golden? You said Mayan god. Weren't the Aztecs the ones with all the gold?

SAM: I don't know. What I do know is that every door in their house, including the kitchen cabinets, is filthy. Check out the bathroom door in that mirror.

DEAN: (laughing uproariously) He's Vampire Cop!

SAM: (laughing) Look at those teeth!

DEAN: (laughs even harder)


DEAN: (doubled over)

SAM: And now he's softly caressing her cheek. Why was that cut left in? What did that scene accomplish?

DEAN: Another waist-high camera in the middle of the room recording Vampire Cop eating.

SAM: Jump cut!

DEAN: Who is this?

SAM: This is the guys in the restaurant in the beginning, member?

DEAN: Wait…then how did Mr. Nice Guy get their video tape to cut into his own little monster-mentary? Just how much time did he spend editing this damn thing?

SAM: "YO!"

DEAN: (laughs)


DEAN: Bet that was totally unintentional on his part, too.

SAM: Why does he hate Vampire Cop so much? Why did he punch Mr. Nice Guy in the head earlier? Who is this?

DEAN: And…I guess he ate the camera?

SAM: Too bad it doesn't have a heart.

DEAN: And now she says she was afraid of him at first? When? We saw you, and you weren't afraid at all!

SAM: But but but! Now, she thinks his werewolf-iness is kind of hot.

DEAN: Guess you got a kindred spirit there, Sammy.

SAM: (laughing) Look at him standing there covered in blood.

DEAN: Vampire Cop! Called it!

SAM: It actually fit in sort of well with the True Blood tone of the first half of this season. You can really feel it in the Benny episodes.

DEAN: And what video are they asking about? Did Vampire Cop bring the camera back with him? If not, how did hell they even see it?

SAM: Look at the Fashion Model. "Calm down," really?

DEAN: All he did was eat a human heart, Sam. It scared her at first, but now it's fucking hot!

SAM: Self-defensive-heart-eating is the best way to get into a girl's pants, Dean. I thought a professional like you would know these things.

DEAN: That is the best chest-punch I've ever seen. That kitchen table is destroyed.


DEAN: (laughing)

SAM: Did Vampire Cop really just accuse Mr. Nice Guy of being creepy after he ate someone's heart? I mean, he's right, but pot meet kettle.

DEAN: You know, we really should stop discussing the family business in public like that. There must be thousands of security tapes of us discussing monsters.

SAM: "FBI guys don't say 'awesome' that much?" That's what she's using to assess who is and isn't in law enforcement?

DEAN: Good thing she's not a crook.

SAM: So I guess he did take dude's camera from earlier.

DEAN: Smart move.

SAM: …Did he just walk into the Alpha's office and announce what he knew?

DEAN: Genius.

SAM: And told him about the camera. Very liberal definition of "hidden," I guess.

DEAN: This alpha werewolf is interesting. I was sure we'd never pick the Alphas thing again, after the Vamp promised us a cameo and stood us up.

SAM: And Mr. Nice Guy still wants to be turned even though he'll start eating hearts. Nice.

DEAN: He needs to get laid, Sam! This is the only way!

SAM: Why is recording all this by hand, anyway? He has a camera in the corner!

DEAN: He needs the close ups for the movie, 'member?

SAM: He's gonna be a heart-eating monster and a filmmaker now?

DEAN: Mel Gibson did it.

SAM: (laughing) I love the Pack Master's reasoning. He falls asleep in my classes - nobody will miss him if I kill him.

DEAN: (mockingly) "I'm sick of being Piggy! I want to be Ralph!" I'm no bookworm, but I'm guessing Ralph wasn't addicted to long pig.

SAM: You know, without the dramatic camera angles, us killing monsters really looks kind of unimpressive.

DEAN: it also looks like a cakewalk.

SAM: And…what is this speech at the end? What the hell is he even talking about? "I did what you couldn't?" I'm pretty sure Vampire Cop could have hidden a camera in the professor's office and whined at him about wanting superpowers.

DEAN: Really, I think this was supposed to come off like More Attractive Friend/Vampire Cop was a dick to Mr. Nice Guy all the time, and now Mr. Nice Guy is growing a pair and standing up for himself.

SAM: Except it doesn't come off like that at all. Vampire Cop has been a really good friend to Mr. Nice Guy, even when all he wanted to do was eat hearts. He even tried to protect him by running away. And now Mr. Nice Guy is pissed off at him because what? He has a girlfriend?

DEAN: He even tried macking on his girl while they thought he was dying! Vampire Cop really should have picked a better friend. This guy's a complete fucking asshole.

SAM: And now look! He wants to beat the shit out of her because she won't break up with the guy she's in love with for him! What, he thought just because he became a heart-eater too, she'd automatically leave Vampire Cop for him? What the hell!

DEAN: And look at all the shots in this fight scene. They sure do have a lot of cameras floating invisibly in the air all over the house!

SAM: Whatever, man. It's almost over.

DEAN: He fucking kills him. Wow.

SAM: And he does not love her.

DEAN: That's right, Fashion Model! Tear that ass up!

SAM: And she took the time to compile a little memory reel at the end.

DEAN: And after killing a guy and watching the love of her life die. That's what I call professionalism.

SAM: Welp, I guess that's done! Let's just leave these bodies here, then. It's cool.

DEAN: And there's probably other footage of us talking about Purgatory, and monsters, and impersonating the FBI, and god knows what else. Should we maybe check for that?

SAM: Nah…

(A half-circle of people has formed around their chairs. They are staring in awe at the two men watching themselves on the televisions.)

DEAN: (looking around) Uh oh…

SAM: (standing up and grinning sheepishly) That's a great show, huh? Love it!


DEAN: (takes off running toward the front of the door)

SAM: (takes off after him)

(Castiel is at the register counting cash. The cashier does not look amused. Sam and Dean come barreling over, yanking at Castiel's arms.)

DEAN: Let's go, Cas! We gotta hit the road!

CASTIEL: I'm sure I can get it-

SAM: (snatches the money from Castiel and throws it at the cashier) Keep the change!

DEAN: (grabs the cart and runs out the door)

SAM: C'mon!

CASTIEL: (follows Sam, looking apologetically back at the cashier)

DEAN: (throws items into the trunk of the Impala)

SAM: (shoves Castiel into the back seat) Leave the cart, man!

DEAN: We need room to back out!

SAM: (shakes his head as Dean runs the cart to a nearby planter)

DEAN: (sprints back to the car and jumps inside, starting it up)

CASTIEL: I was unable to obtain the ammunition we needed for our weapons.

SAM: (bracing himself against the door as Dean speeds off) They don't sell that stuff here, Cas.

DEAN: Shit. We gotta stop by a gun store…

SAM: Not in this town. How far to the next one?

DEAN: (digs in pocket for phone)

CASTIEL: The town of Farthington is twenty-one point two-four miles north-north-west of here.

DEAN: (checks rearview to see if they're being followed) I thought you were cut off from your angel mojo?

CASTIEL: I've lost my grace, yes, but I still have my memories.

SAM: Good. We could use them on hunts.

DEAN: Speaking of which… (checks mirrors again before joining the interstate) …we'll need a job.

CASTIEL: How do we find one?

SAM: The old fashioned way.

CASTIEL: (looks confused, and tugs at the crotch of his jeans as they pinch)