SAM: I can't believe all of the whining you subjected us all to after you got back from hell in Season 4, Dean.
DEAN: Hey! My tour was torture, alright? I broke my vow never to hurt innocents! And I enjoyed it! And that arc added a lot of weight to the whole "Chosen by God" storyline. It was beautiful stuff, man.
SAM: It was just a hallway, Dean. The set of 13 Ghosts was scarier. (swears) I can't believe all the straight up hell I went through in Lucifer's cage, and you were just hanging out in a cell listening to people pray and get piercings.
DEAN: It wasn't like that! There were racks, and torture implements, and kids, and everything!
SAM: Didn't look like that to me. There were five demons, tops. They weren't even guarding the door, which didn't require a key, by the way. I was in and out of both places in 24 hours, no problem.
DEAN: This is a recession, all right? There were some budget cuts, and maybe we couldn't afford the lake of fire or the prosthetics we would have liked, but that doesn't give you the right to say I didn't go through hell, Sammy.
SAM: (rolls his eyes) And Purgatory? That dingy forest? You made it sound like a greasy rope bridge over a pit of dragons, but it's just some woods with a few monsters. One of which I beheaded with a blunt stick. I can see why you were so traumatized when you got back.
DEAN: You know what, Sam?
DEAN: (fumbling for something to say) Well, what about you! You couldn't even tell Bobby - the dead man who basically saved our asses for three straight seasons - what the hell you and miss sunshine were up to while I was sleeping with the monsters. What's up with that? What did you do?
SAM: (swallows guiltily) Nothing. I had a normal life, with a dog. And, uh...I met Amelia's dad, but it didn't work out. And so we broke up. And that's it. That's all that happened. Nothing else. Definitely nothing supernatural that will affect us later. If that's what you were thinking.
SAM: Wait...(narrows eyes) "Sleeping with the monsters?" That was an interesting choice of words. (snickers)
DEAN: It was a play on words! You know, like "sleeping with the fishes!"
SAM: Sure. Definitely had nothing to do with Benny and the inexplicable, unbreakable bond between you two.
DEAN: We protected each other!
SAM: From what? Mosquito bites? Poison oak?
DEAN: We had each other's backs!
SAM: (laughing uproariously) I'll just bet you did.
DEAN: We were fighting our way out of that hellhole, okay?
SAM: For a year? Maybe if you hadn't spent so many long, romantic nights on the river with Benny and Cas you would have made it out sooner. It took me all of eight seconds to get out of there.
DEAN: (blushing) There were no romantic nights! There will be no romantic nights with any of us! This is the CW!
SAM: You never know, man. The Vampire Diaries did it.
DEAN: (clears throat loudly) Anyway, um, Crowley. His dialogue was a lot better in previous seasons, but he's back to being a badass, at least. He really needs those tablets, but it's kind of ridiculous that he hasn't figured out that the DEMONS tablet will permanently lock away demons. Doesn't he remember what happened to Dick and friends?
SAM: I think we and the audience are supposed to forget that Dick and friends ever existed.
DEAN: (nods in concession of the point) Think he really has Kevin?
SAM: I don't know. Usually, I would say no because of the angel and demon warding on the windows, but after I strolled into hell and walked ten feet to get Bobby and walked right back out and onto Earth with no trouble, I'd say anything is possible at this point.
DEAN: I can't believe you ditched Benny down there.
SAM: He wanted to stay, dude. I think the writers were going for that literary symmetry again. It's supposed to be like the first half of the season when you left Cas behind to "certain death" and then felt guilty about it for a while even though he wanted to stay and do penance. Only in reverse. Kind of like The Little Mermaid II.
DEAN: Why did I even send him down there? The portal appeared right next to you before he even did anything and you already knew the spell to put a soul in your arm. And there was plenty of time for you all to leave.
SAM: I think Benny was too awesome for this season. He made the rest of the "plot" look bad.
DEAN: (looks away dreamily) Yeah, he was pretty awesome. With him gone, all we have to look forward to is more c*** teasing from the writers about your mysterious year and the end of this senseless Word of God/Gates of Hell/Naomi stuff.
SAM: (fights not to laugh at Dean's word choice) After the needless 11 months and 29 days you and Benny and Cas spent in Purgatory doing God knows what, you and the writers have a lot of knowledge on that particular topic.
SAM: (dodges flying whiskey bottle)
DEAN: (taking deep breaths, then grabbing a beer from the cooler) What are doing next week? Maybe we can hunt Bigfoot. At least it'd be new.
SAM: (looks at script, face falling)