It was a warm afternoon in Malibu. The sun was shining over the oversized plastic dreamhouse. Parts of the dreamhouse were close to melting, not just because of the heat from the sun, but due to the hotness of a certain somebody (not Ken) who was passing by; Ryan, of course. Because he's really hot. Have you seen his hair? I'd like to touch it, and I can guarantee that you would too.
In yet another attempt to capture the heart of the Aryan Malibu sweetheart – that was, Barbie, of course, the epitome of perfection (and white privilege) –Ryan decided that the beauty was most vulnerable to Ryan's romantic swag as she watered plants under the scorching Malibu sun. He wouldn't want that, would he? A beautiful doll like her melting on such a day would be disastrous!
And so, he would wait; wait for her to come outside. She would see Ryan, who would look extremely handsome, as usual, and would woo her by offering to water her plants in her place on such a warm summer's day.
As he waited, Ryan decided it would be best to practice his charm on a nearby fern, a sculpted silhouette of our golden haired goddess. Surely she and the fern were somewhat alike? If they were, then it would be perfect for practicing! Ryan cleared his throat and began to speak with his melodious, god-like voice.
"As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in plastic heaven
Would through the glittery region stream so bright
That plastic birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glamorous ring upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!" he sang, flashing an award-winning smile at the bush.
Ryan gracefully twerked away from the shrubbery, his masterfully sculpted plastic ass vibrating as he did so. He decided he had better not melt the heart of the innocent bush for any longer. No, the heart melting would be reserved for Barbie!
Ryan waited and waited, his determination not deteriorating, just like his hair. His, pretty, pretty hair. However, as the Malibu sun began to set, Ryan felt his eyelids grow heavy. Being a heavy sleeper, it did not take long for him to all of a sudden collapse on the porch in front of the dreamhouse, cuddling his blue guitar as he slept. Nobody noticed because nobody really cared.
Except for one person.