Part Four: ...And Crazier Still!
PREVIOUSLY ON ATTACK OF THE CORNY ROMANCE:
"If one of us will end up with her, it will be fair and square," Christian announced gravely, sending a death glare at Anakin. Anakin stared at him with surprised stupidity, tongue hanging out of his mouth. "I challenge you to a Sing To Win Her Heart contest."
PART FOUR BEGINS:
"A huhsa whatsa?" Anakin asked dumbly.
Christian groaned in irritation, then began to speak incredibly slowly. "I will sing. You will sing. Whoever's song she likes better, she will choose."
"SATINE!" Christian shouted.
"Ohh," Anakin said. "I get it now!"
As we have all probably established by now, it took him long enough.
"But who will be the judge?" Anakin asked.
"Satine, you idiot!" Padme snapped.
A new voice filled the air, and they all turned to see two teenage girls standing behind them. Both wore glasses, but one was shorter than the other, and one had reddish hair while the other had blonde.
"We are the judges," the redhead announced with a grin.
"Duhhhh, they weren't here before," Anakin pointed out wisely.
The blonde girl turned to the redheaded one. "Twixxa, do you think that the Pythagorean Theorum is strategically correct?"
The overwhelming smartness level was just too much for Anakin to take. He passed out cold, and the blonde cackled evilly.
"Whoa," Obi-Wan said in awe. "Why can't I do that?"
"Who are you?" Satine asked.
"I'm Nita," the blonde said, smiling. "And this is Twixxa."
"Twixxa?" George asked. "What kind of name is Twixxa?"
He shouldn't have asked, dear reader, because as soon as those words left his lips, the most frightening thing that ever could occur...well, occurred.
Twixxa fixed an intense glare on George, and her normally gray eyes flashed...OLIVE!!!
[Insert DUN DUN DUN! here]
DUN DUN DUN!
[You're so obedient.]
Everyone gasped in horror, and George shielded his gaze and fell to the ground, sobbing.
"Oh yes," Nita said airily. "I forgot to warn you...beware of the Olive Eyes."
Twixxa nodded firmly.
"Now," Nita said sweetly. "We will be in charge of this contest. We will choose the songs you sing, and we will pick the winner."
"You mean...the fate of my love life lies in your hands??" asked Satine cautiously.
Nita nodded slowly, looking quite evil.
"Don't worry," Twixxa whispered. "We're both rabid Moulin Rouge fans."
Satine looked immensely relieved at this.
"Any questions?" Nita asked crisply.
No one responded; instead, they were staring, quite terrified, at Twixxa's eyes.
"All right then!" Twixxa cried merrily. "Then we can begin!"
With a snap of her fingers, a bright neon sign proclaiming the words "Sing To Win Her Heart Contest" appeared before them, along with a judges desk where Nita and Twixxa sat.
"How did you do that?" Christian asked, amazed.
"Are you a sorceress?" Padme questioned in awe.
Twixxa smirked. "Yeah, right. This is fanfiction. We-" she pointed at Nita and then at herself, "-are the writers. The fate of this story lies in our hands."
A collective gasp rose from the lips of the poor, unfortunate characters.
Nita smiled and said, "Let the contest begin!"
"Christian," Twixxa said, "You will be singing..."
Christian squeezed his eyes shut and hoped for a sappy Elton John ballad.
No such luck.
"Hot in Herrrrrrrrrre," she proclaimed, an evil grin forming on her face. "By Nelly."
Christian's face fell as Nita happily started the, er, song.
Everyone cringed, not including Anakin (who we all, I am sure, are missing terribly, but alas he is unconscious), as Nelly's oh-so-wonderful voice filled the air.
"Hot in... So hot in herre... So hot in..."
Immediately, lights began to flash and very scantily dressed back-up singers and dancers appeared. Much to Christian and Satine's dislike one of them began "dancing" in front of him. But, to make up for it, the singers began to kick Anakin off to the side to make room for the microphones.
Nita, who personally did not want to listen to Christian singing any Nelly song, accidentally, bumped the CD player, causing it to fast forward.
"It's getting hot in herre," Christian sang awkwardly, looking as though he'd definitely prefer a sappy Elton John ballad. "So take off all your clothes?!?!?" The music immediately stopped, and the scantily dressed back-up dancers disappeared. "You can't make me sing this!" he cried.
"You wanna bet?" Nita asked with a smirk.
"We ARE writing this story here," Twixxa reminded him.
Christian ducked to avoid her dreaded gaze and gave an exasperated sigh. Dancers appeared once more to enlighten the crowd with even more Nelly.
"Why you at the bar if you ain't poppin' the bottles," Christian sang in dead-pan. "What good is all the fame if you ain't... um, fuckin' the models..." He looked at the lyrics and scowled. "Okay, moving on..."
Ignoring the glares from the dancers, Christian skipped ahead a few verses in the song and began to sing again. "It's getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes..."
He crinkled up his nose as the singers behind him sang in a high, shrill voice, "It's getting so hot in here, I'm gonna take my clothes off!"
"Stop placin', time wastin', I gotta a friend with a fo' in the basement...?" Christian wiped beads of sweat off his forehead as Nita leaned over and whispered in Twixxa's ear, sending them both into giggles.
"I'm just kiddin' like Jason, unless you gon' do it. Extra, extra, eh, spread the news. Nelly took a trip from the Lunner to Neptune." Right about now, Christian (and the rest of the audience) began to wonder if this song every ended. "Came back with somethin' thicker than fittin' in sasoons. Says she like to think about cuttin' in restrooms."
"It's getting hot in herre –"
"All right, all right!" Nita exclaimed, waving her hands around, causing the dancers and the music to disappear. "That's enough, Christian." She smiled.
"Oh, thank God," Christian cried, rushing back to the audience.
"Huh, what's happened?" Anakin suddenly sat up from where he had been kicked into the corner. "Did the contest start without me?"
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Twixxa said innocently. "We thought you were awake!"
"Christian's just finished his first song, now it's your turn!" Nita added.
Anakin's mouth dropped open. "Heeey, that's not fair! I didn't get to see him!" He began squeezing his fist in Christian's direction but eventually gave up, as he usually ends up doing.
"Make him sing again!" he whined at the judges desk.
"My pleasure!" A sweet smile danced across Christian's face, and he earnestly stepped forward, opened his mouth, and began to sing.
"My gift is my song...and-"
Anakin shoved Christian to the ground, and proceeded in squeezing his fist and, you guessed it, nodding his head.
"-Da Big Darth Vada's comin' atcha!" he proclaimed.
"Not exactly," Nita cut in, beaming.
"ATCHOOOU!" Anakin continued, ignoring Nita and waving his hands madly at assorted people. "AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU!"
He pointed madly at everyone from Baz to Padme.
But as he came at Twixxa with an obnoxious "AND YOU" dying to spill from his lips, she...HORROR OF HORRORS...flashed the OLIVE EYES!!
Everyone gasped in horror, ducking down and averting their eyes. That is, everyone except Anakin, who, due to his delayed reaction reflexes, was hit full-force with a wave of olive.
"YO!" Da Big DV shouted, enraged. "NOT COOL, YO! NOT COOL!"
"Oh, shut up, you moron," Padme commanded, rolling her eyes.
He spun to her angrily, pupils slightly diolated (Olive Eyes Attack after-effects, you see). "YO, BIZNITCH, I DON'T WANT NO HO TELLIN' ME HOW TO GET JIGGY WIT IT!"
. . .
[dot dot dot]
"Translation, please?" Padme asked weakly.
Anakin opened his mouth to respond, but Twixxa cut him off.
"Sadly, we don't have time for that," she said, flashing a dazzling classic TV-Gameshow-Host grin. "We've got to get singing! Now, Anakin, do you have any specific sort of song you'd like to sing?"
"HEY!" Christian cried. "That's not fair! You didn't give me a choice! YOU MADE ME SAY THE F-WORD!!!"
Nita smiled sweetly. "Calm down, Christian. I'm sure you'll find that it's only fair."
"Well, yo," Anakin said thoughtfully. "It be like dis, 'kay? I only talk once, so listen, foos."
"He forgot the L," Satine pointed out.
"But doesn't it make him sound cool?" Padme responded sarcastically.
Everyone was quiet for a moment before responding, quite flatly, "No."
"Anyway!" Twixxa interrupted. "Since Anakin OBVIOUSLY cannot decide for himself, Nita and I have cleverly chosen for him to sing -" She cleared her throat and smiled maliciously. "Ready for The Good Times by Shakira!"
While everyone else winced, Anakin made his way up to the judge's table, bobbing his head the whole way. He snatched the lyrics out of Twixxa's hand and said, "Dis b no problemo, yo! Da Big DV got it aaaaaaall under control!"
Padme gulped loudly.
"Ready, Anakin?" Nita asked, her hand positioned over the CD player.
"No!" he cried. "Da Big DV gotta get in tune wit himself yo! Don'tcha kno anyting?"
"Er.. right, sorry," replied Nita.
Anakin smoothed his hair back and took a deep breath. But before he could open his mouth, Obi-Wan noticed a Storm Trooper peeking through a door in the background.
"STOP!" Obi-Wan screamed, flinging Anakin to the ground.
"What's the matter?" Nita and Twixxa asked.
"He was going to…" Obi-Wan struggled to get the words out. "To… sing!"
"Well, yes…" Nita nodded. "That's the whole point of the Sing To Win Her Heart Contest!"
"No!" he cried. "He was going to sing that… SONG!"
Twixxa gave him an odd look. "Ready For The Good Times. Yes, we told him to sing that, Obi-Wan." Her heart gave a flutter at the very name.
"NO!" Obi-Wan had HAD IT! "The RAP! You know, Da Big DV comin'" -
Oh, how wrong Obi-Wan had been to utter those words.
"u be steelin' me song yo!111" demanded Anakin, clearly outraged.
"Oh, grand," Padme muttered darkly, "Now he's done away with punctuation all together."
"u wanna2 fite?!11" Anakin boomed, waving his hands dramatically in Obi-Wan's face. "u wanna piece a da big dv yo?!///?!//!"
"No," Obi-Wan said, his distaste apparent. "I'll pass."
"yo u ai'nt got dat choyce no moore!!1" anakin sayed 2 hi...Erm. Sorry. Anakin yelled. "u got2 fite me n u r goin down!11"
He began to bounce up and down in a manner that was apparently supposed to be quite formidable, his braid flying out behind him a few times before falling limply to the ground.
Anakin screamed as everyone fell to the ground laughing. "MI BRADE YO!!!11 MY BRADE!! HOWW CULD DIS HAPENN 2 MEEEEEEEEEEEE????/?/??? I B DA BIG DV YO! MY BRADE JUSS DUSNT... FALL OFF YO!"
"Well, it just did... yo," Christian intelligently added.
The poor, bradeless (not to be confused with 'braidless') Anakin blinked a few times.
Obi-Wan shook his head in disapproval and muttered to his young apprentice, "I told you that hair extensions were risky."
Padme just happened to overhear.
"Hair extensions?" she repeated incredulously, her tone one of horrified amusement. "Hair extensions?!?! You mean...HAIR extensions? As in...extensions...for your hair?"
Obi-Wan nodded gravely. "I'm afraid so."
"I can't BELIEVE THIS!" Padme exploded. "Not only are you a complete and utter imbecile who can't spell your own name, recite the A-B-C's in proper order, or even TALK with proper punctuation and grammar; you...wear...hair extensions! I mean, can't you at least have real HAIR?"
Anakin nodded thoughtfully.
Yes, that is right. You, my dear reader, are not seeing things. Anakin did, in fact, just nod.
All right. This is probably very difficult to grasp. Let's recap, shall we?
Anakin nodded thoughtfully.
Padme's eyes widened. A strange expression that hadn't donned her face throughout the entire course of this story took over her countenance. She inhaled softly.
"I must apologize for the undoubtedly insufferable situation that I've placed you in, M'Lady," Anakin said in a smooth, charming voice. He stepped forward and kissed Padme's hand.
"Anakin," she breathed in disbelief, swooning a little.
He smiled sheepishly. "Yes, well, I do what I can. Though, my darling," he added softly, "I know my limited use of the English language can by no means match the beauty of each word that spills from your crimson lips. Every sentence is like poetry; your statements, delicate prose that in all ways match your fragile, precious demeanor."
Satine sighed enviously. "He's amazing."
"Excuse me!" Christian cried indignantly. "I'm the penniless poet here!"
"Oh, come on," Satine said bitterly, "The best thing you can come up with is 'the hills are alive with the sound of music'. I mean...really."
"That was incandiferous!" Christian snapped. "Toulouse said so! The Argentinean loves it!" He paused for a moment. "Nothing funny. He just likes talent."
Satine, however, was once again staring longingly at Anakin.
"Ba-aaaz!" whined Christian, turning desperately to the visionary director of Romeo + Juliet. (Because the authors have watched the Moulin Rouge trailer one too many a time.) "You have to help me! She can't leave me for...him! What about Come What May?!?"
"Don't worry," Baz said, casting a nervous look at Satine. "We're going. Now."
"Good," Christian said, looking immensely relieved.
And with a snap of his fingers, the all-mighty Mr. Luhrmann disappeared, along with Satine and Christian.
Sensing that the two star-crossed lovers wanted a bit of time alone, Obi-Wan chuckled to himself and disappeared off into the darkness to do...Jedi things.
"Oh, Anakin," Padme sighed, swooning a bit as the newly-intelligent future Darth Vader placed his hands around her waist. "I love you!"
"And I love you," he replied, staring deeply into her eyes.
"You know, I think I can get used to this new Anakin," Padme said softly into his ear and he grinned, causing many girls around the galaxies to swoon... What the heck do they -
The lovers then shared a passionate kiss only fitting to this story, on account of the fact that it is Attack of the Corny Romance, and let us assure you, readers, this was a very corny kiss.
Meanwhile, the Braid of Stupidity had fallen, seemingly harmless, to the ground. Anakin and Padme were so locked in their passionate embrace that they didn't notice when someone came hobbling along.
A very old, very green someone.
wundurfeell tingz yoda feelz he sade attacheing a thin browne brade 2 da bac uf hiz heade.
And then, tragically, the lovers' embrace was cut short.
"COMIN' ATCHA, DA BIG GREEN YODA IS!!!!!"
Sigh. It's such a shame, really. They would have lived happily ever after, had it not been for that pesky little green guy.
But isn't happily ever after overrated, anyhow?
...Or is it?
[A moment of consideration.]
Yup, it is.
Author's Note:Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! We're so sorry that it took so long to finally finish this up, but we had tons of fun with it indeed. :-) Thank you once again!
~Twixxa and Nita