Say What You Fucking Feel
Summary: Ian is on the bus to leave for the military when he hears a sing-song voice yelling "Ian Gallagher" that can only be from the reason he's leaving: Mickey Milkovich. The only way that Mickey can get him to stay? He's gotta say what he fucking feels. Ian/Mickey gay slash; set after Season 3 Episode 11, possibly during episode 12
Disclaimer: I don't own Shameless, obviously.
I usually don't like writing things that will clash with the canon, but this fandom makes me do crazy things. I'm not sure how I feel about this fic, honestly. This is just the result of me and too many gallavich feels at 4am.
I tried my hardest to make Mickey the least OOC possible. I hope I did alright with that. It's hard to write a fic about Mickey talking about his feelings and keep him in character, so… xD
Ian sighed, closing his eyes. He sat, alone, on the bus that would take him far away from here.
He'd always imagined the day that he would enlist into the military. It was his dream. But he'd always pictured himself… happier about it. Right now all he wanted was to get away.
He needed to forget about the guy he's been fucking – no, the person he loves – who just got married. As much as he loved Mickey Milkovich, he knew that it was time to leave. It was time to let him go.
But then he heard it.
"Ian Gallagher!" The same sing-song voice of the boy who tried to beat the shit out of him in defense of his sister years ago rang through the air.
The brunette Milkovich jumped onto the bus, and shuffled down the aisle straight towards him.
"Mickey? What the fuck are you doing here?" Ian gasped.
"You seriously think you can just get away with leaving and not saying goodbye?" Mickey growled. He shoved Ian in front of him and back down the aisle, out of the bus.
Everyone was staring at them.
Mickey pushed him further until they got out of earshot of the people around them. Ian shoved the shorter boy's hand off his shoulder once they were far enough.
"I've always wanted this. You know that!" Ian yelled. "I was in ROTC. I wanted to get into West Point. What about this is a surprise to you?"
"Cut the bullshit, Gallagher! We both know what this is about!" Mickey shouted.
"All you've done for the past month is push me away! And now that I'm finally doing what you want and I'm leaving, you're getting pissed? Fucking typical," Ian spat, shaking his head.
"I never fucking said that's what I want," Mickey grumbled.
"Well, what the fuck do you want, Mickey? Because I have no fucking clue." Ian's eyebrows knitted together. He looked at Mickey sadly.
"You know what I want, Gallagher…" Mickey mumbled.
"No," Ian said softly. "No, I don't!" Suddenly he was shouting again. "You told me once that I'm nothing but a warm mouth to you. But then you come back, you get jealous of every guy I'm with, and you kiss me. Then after your dad catches us, you beat the shit out of me and marry some chick. I'd say you've been sending some pretty fucking mixed signals."
"I told you," Mickey muttered, avoiding looking at Ian directly. "It's not like I can just say that kind of shit out loud."
Ian scoffed. "Is it really that goddamn unreasonable for me to want you to tell me if you at least care about me… even a little bit?" Ian fought the urge to cry. "I feel like I'm going fucking crazy! One day I know that you love me but… then you always do something to fuck with my head, and I wonder if I made it all up. Like maybe I really was nothing more than a fuck buddy to you…"
"Gallagher, don't," Mickey said lamely.
He hadn't really planned on what he would say to Ian to make him stay, and so far he was doing a shitty job.
"Tell me how you feel, Milkovich, or I'm gone," Ian demanded. "I can't handle things the way they are now. I can't." Ian felt the tears stinging his eyes. "I told you that if you even gave half a shit about me, you wouldn't get married. And guess what, you fucking did it! So obviously you don't care!"
Mickey couldn't take it anymore. He was desperate. He snapped.
"I didn't have a fucking choice, you idiot! Don't you see that all this was to keep you alive? And now that you're finally safe, you're just trying to leave and get killed somewhere else?" Mickey shook his head and scoffed in disbelief. "I got married to save you, asshole!
"What did you think would happen: I'd hook up with you again and then we'd just tell everyone that the wedding's off and we'd skip away together into the sunset? You think things would go right back to the way it used to be if I just chose you? My dad would murder you. And he'd fucking make me watch!" Mickey was shaking. He wasn't used to being so honest. Not about this type of shit.
He didn't want to say it out loud. But the Gallagher was being so fucking naïve, he couldn't help it.
Ian was quiet. He'd been so afraid of Mickey ruining his life by getting married, he hadn't really thought about Mickey getting killed. He hadn't realized that Mickey was trying to save him.
"I didn't really have a plan for what we'd do about your dad afterwards…" he admitted.
"That's what I fucking thought," Mickey grumbled without any real anger. "Listen, this marriage, it's a fucking joke. I don't care about her, and she doesn't care about me. She'll probably divorce me as soon as she finds someone else. We just gotta lay low a little while," Mickey said, trying to reassure him.
"And then what?" Ian asked.
"Then…? Fuck, Gallagher, I don't know." Mickey sighed, rubbing his forehead stressfully.
"We'll never be… more than this… whatever the fuck we are…" Ian said. "So why the fuck shouldn't I get on that bus and walk away right now? It'd make both of our lives a hell of a lot easier!"
"Because we fucking love each other!"
They both stared at each other in shock. Even Mickey couldn't believe the words came out of his own mouth. But once they did, he couldn't stop.
"Don't go… I don't want you to die… I want you to stay…"
"Say it again," Ian breathed, still unable to process the words he had heard.
"Gallagher…" Mickey grumbled, looking down.
"Say it again!" Ian demanded. He needed to hear it.
"I love you," Mickey said. "I fucking admit it, alright? I love you… and I'm gay."
A smile slowly spread across Ian's face. That same fucking smile he always got from Mickey. For a minute, he completely forgot about all of their other problems.
He leaned in and kissed Mickey, the smile still on his lips. Mickey kissed him back desperately. They'd only kissed like this once before: the night that Mickey got married.
When Ian pulled back, Mickey whispered, "don't go. I know I have no fucking right to tell you not to go but… please."
A Milkovich never says please. Milkoviches never beg.
But Mickey was much more than just a Milkovich.
Ian looked back at the bus, blushing a little when he noticed that people were staring and laughing at them through the windows.
"Alright," Ian said. "I'll stay."
Mickey breathed a sigh of relief.
"You're right. I'm not ready to do this yet. I just signed up to run away from you…" Ian admitted. "Maybe I should… really try to get into West Point. Maybe I'll actually get in."
Mickey didn't say anything. Ian had been right too: Mickey had always known that Ian was into that military shit.
But he just never thought he'd get attached enough to the redhead to actually care. And he never thought he'd actually go.
"Just… one thing…" Ian said.
Mickey frowned. "What?"
"Just think about it. If I went to New York… what if you came with me? It wouldn't be forever, 'cause we both have family here. It'd be just… to get away."
Mickey hated to admit it, but the idea actually sounded really good.
Maybe then he could finally escape from the wrath of Terry Milkovich.
"I'll think about it," he said with a small smile. Ian grinned.
For the first time, Mickey let himself believe in a future where they could be happy together. And now that he'd imagined it, he never wanted to let it go.
Not that he would admit it out loud or anything.