Chapter 74: The Bitter End

Unna'Koris: You have never spoken about what you and Shepard found on the Crucible.

Tali'Zorah: Now is the time to break that silence. The truth must be known.

"Well," John said, dropping the Cain and looking up at the blue beam. "This is it."

"We can do this." Tai assured him, and together, they stepped into the light.

welcome i have been waiting a long time for you

For a moment, Tali blacked out from hearing the voice. When she awoke, she and John were standing in a brightly lit chamber with three pedestals.

so someone finally arrived that's good i've been lonely

Before Tali floated a glowing child, who giggled and smiled at her.

hello tali or should i say mother

"What are you?" Tali demanded, drawing her pistol and pointing it at the strange being.

i am the catayst congratulations you are a winner

"What do you mean, we're a winner. And what's the Catalyst?" John demanded, floating over to Tali's side.

i am the being the controls the reapers i've been so lonely

"You are responsible for all this? You're the one that's killed all those billions, trillions, uncountable masses?"

i just wanted someone to play with but now that you're here you can choose

Keeping her pistol trained on the projection, Tali looked around the room. It was featureless, a white bowl with no entry or exit. "Choose what?"

well i've got red lasers blue lasers and since you did so good green lasers you can also shoot me but i wouldn't recommend that

Tali and John exchanged glances. "Lasers?"

magic space lasers they are soooooo coooool

"You're serious about this?"

well yeah the reapers are run by a freaking eight year old that's been bored out of its skull ever since that bastard meteor took out the dinosaurs

"These lasers, do they do anything?"

well they all pretty much do the same thing but the red ones blow up the reapers the blue ones let you control the reapers and the green ones let you do a fusion dance with the reapers the green ones are the best because they are in the middle

Tali and John shared another look, then together emptied their thermal clips into the glowing child.

are you freaking retarded this is just a projection fine ill choose my own damn lasers i pick red because thats my favorite color

Tali's whole world suddenly burned and turned read.

Well crap, I wasn't planning on this.

"Jeebus?" Tali gasped.

Huh? Oh, no, this is Full-Paragon the author. Jeebus is on a break for today.

"Full-Paragon? What are you, a Reaper?"

Oh no I'm the author.

"The author? Are you God the Father?"

HELLS NO! I'm the one writing this story. Sorry, I just wasn't planning on having April 1 be an update day.

"What are you babbling about?"

Man, and only about 500 words. Time for some padding! Hmm, let's see, spin the cross over chart like so... Ah ha! Ok, here you go, enjoy your time in Johto!


Tali's world spun and shrunk, and when she came too, things felt... Different. How she didn't know but it was all changed. Just as she was ready to stand up, the door burst open.

"Happy birthday Tali!" A happy woman's voice called. A familiar woman's voice. In a moment, Tali was out of bed and hugging the woman for all she was worth, tears streaming down her face.

"Mom! Oh mother, you're alive! This must be heaven, I'm so... I haven't seen you in years! Haven't told you how much I love you! Are you proud of me? Did we win? Are the geth OK? What about the quarians, did they make it?"

Gentle arms encircled Tali. "Tali, are you alright? I saw you last night, before you went to bed. Of course the geth are alright, in fact, your friends Lamentations and Legion are waiting for you down stairs. And why on earth would anything be wrong with the quarians? We're just fine. And I don't know about winning, but if you don't hurry, all the good Pokémon will be taken!"

Drying her tears, Tali stepped back and looked up at her mother's face. Her real face. It was so wonderful, to see her glowing eye's and n'sai lines, to be able to feel her skin and touch the fabric of her dress. "Mom, what's a Pokémon?"

Frowning, her mother reached down and felt Tali's forehead. "Hmmm, you seem to be alright. Mo-Mo, come over here please!"


A strange, pink blob with two beady eyes and an egg in a pouch waddled into the room.

"Will you use softboiled on Tali please Mo-Mo?"


The pink blob suddenly glowed green, and Tali felt a rush of life energy enter her body.

"There! Thank you Mo-Mo! Come on Tali, your friends are waiting."

Her mother left, and Tali glanced around and found a set of clothes laid out. As she changed, Tali realized that her body was rather underdeveloped. With a start, Tali realized she was about the same height as when her mom died, and couldn't be more then about eleven years old. There was even a strange undergarment set out for her, which after a moment Tali realized was a girls training bra, from what she had seen while shopping with Kelly and Liara. It took her a minute to get it on, Tali had never had to wear undergarments before, but it seemed to fit.

"What is going on here?" Tali muttered, glancing at herself in her bedroom's mirror. "Is this heaven, or somewhere else?"

Once she was dressed, Tali headed downstairs, taking in the sights of her house. It was definitely quarian in design and matched the rounded curves and low, domed ceilings she had seen on Rannoch. Pictures of her as a child with her mother and father adorned the walls, and it was a bit of a shock to see what she had looked like as a girl, sans suit. It was even more shocking to see a grinning boy with her in many pictures, a tall, handsome boy with a much younger Hannah Shepard.

"John?" Tali whispered, staring at a picture of a picnic where the two of them were playing catch with their mothers.

"Yes, that's Johnny, he's probably already at the-"

"TALI! TALI ARE YOU HERE!" The door slammed open to reveal a red faced, panting John, behind whom miniature versions of Lamentations and Legion stood, their head petals splayed back in shock.

John ran across the floor and Tali met him halfway, laughing and crying. "Oh Tali, you're here! You're alright!"

"John, what happened? I remember a voice, then suddenly I was here." Tali broke away, hooking her arm into John's and turning to her mother. "John, this is my mother, Kleeah'Zorah vas Rayya."

A bemused expression passed over Tali's mother's face, then she nodded to John. "It is good to meet you again, Johnny Shepard. I am afraid my daughter has caught a case of the bosh'tet today. You seem a little excited, ready to get your Pokémon."

"The fuck is a Pokémon," John whispered to Tali.

Nodding over at Mo-Mo, who was waddling down the stairs, Tali whispered, "I think it's one of those things."

"Riiiiight. That looks like something someone scrapped off the bottom of a sample tray at a Cerberus lab."

"Hey, if I get my mother and father back, Pokémon can be whatever they want."

"Well, let me get a picture of the four of you! Come in Lam, come in Legi!"

The two geth trooped in, and Lamentations nodded to Tali. "Ready to get your Pokémon Tals?"

"What did you just call me?" Tali asked, frowning at the black... well, child geth?

"Tals? You know, your nick name?"

"Not Mother?"

"Man Tals, why would I call you mommy? You know our mom is Glados."

'"Our mom?"' John asked, looking at Legion.

"Duh. We're twins. You know that, why are you too being so weird? Don't you want your Pokémon?"

John groaned and shook his head. "I just want some medi gel for my headache."

"Medi-what? Just ask Mo-Mo to softboil you," Lamentations pointed out.

That was when Tali's mother came back with the camera. "Smile, and say Pidgey!"


The camera flashed, and Tali had to blink for a moment, then she was being herded out the door by her mom. "Alright you kids, head over to professor Saren's lab, he's got your Pokémon just waiting since it's all of your eleventh birthdays!"

"Saren? Here?" Tali asked, spinning to face her mother.

Her mom frowned and nodded. "Well yes, he's the resident Pokémon professor here in Rayya."

"Damn, do you have any weapons for us?" John asked.

"Weapons! What are you-"

"Guess not, come on John, we have to stop Saren!"

With that, the two of them broke into a run, and Tali turned to Lamentations. "Come on Lamentations, you have to show us where Saren is! If you have any weapon caches around here, now would be a good time to show us!"

"What, like a stick or something?" Lamentations called, huffing to try to catch up to Tali. Which made no sense, how could a geth run out of breath?

"I was hoping for something more like a shotgun or a missile launcher!"

"What's a shot gun?"

Tali ran faster, trying to out speed whatever insanity had just occurred.

It didn't take long for her and John to find the Pokémon lab, a crowd of children was gathered around.

"Hey, Johnny! Tali!" A flanging turian voice called, and Tali spied what had to be a younger version of Garrus waving at her.

Stopping to catch their breath, John and Tali nodded to Garrus. "Please tell me you know what's going on, Vakarian." John gasped.

"Vakarian? Huh? Well yeah I know, today we get our Pokémon! This is gonna be so awesome! I think we should be rivals! I want a Chikorita, grass Pokémon are awesome!"

"It's affecting him too," Tali whispered, and John reluctantly nodded.

"Yeah, we should do that Garrus."

"Of course! We're best friends, aren't we?"

John grabbed Garrus and gave him a hug, causing the turian to squeal in protest.

"There's no Shepard without Vakarian." John whispered in a rough voice. "You were always there for me Garrus. Thank you."

"Johnny and Garrus sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Two female voices chanted, then burst into giggles. Tali turned, astonished to see Miranda and Liara together and laughing at John and Garrus. They were probably lost causes as well.

"Stand aside you little pyjaks, move over!" A gruff old voice rumbled as Urdnot Wrex waded through the crowd. "Alright, what's going on here, Shepard? And you better have some answers."

"Uncle Wrex!" Tali gasped, running over and taking one of the old krogan's massive claws in her tiny hand.

"Little Tali?" Wrex rumbled, leaning down to get a good look at her. "Huh. Didn't recognize you without that suit on."

"Apparently, I don't need it. Wrex, what is going on?"

"The hell if I know. But I beat that Full-Paragon guy into giving me one of those Pokémon. A good one too, I wrestled my Tyranitar earlier, tough old bastard, but not as tough as me!"

"You talked with the voice, with Full-Paragon?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, apparently he wanted to kiddify me and have me go on 'an epic Pokémon journey' but I kicked his ass. I didn't get this old to be reduced to a juvenile again. Apparently it worked for Bakara too, though she doesn't remember anything. And well..."

"DAAAAAAADDDDDDD. Stop it, you're embaaaaarraassssing me in front of all my friend!"

Wrex sighed. "And I sort of have kids. Meet the oldest. Ugh, Mordin. At least she's a girl."

A krogan girl, in of all things, a pink dress with pink shoes and a pink head band, came around Wrex.

"Dad, why are you making fun of my name again? Don't make me head butt you."

"Kid, I would like to see you- OOFFFF!"

True to her word, Mordin head butted Wrex it a sensitive area for a male krogan. Right in the quad.

Groaning, Wrex slowly stood. "Damn. Maybe having a girl ain't all bad. You got a quad, kid, or at least you got mine."

"Hey, Mordin, your dad giving you a hard time?" A raspy, familiar voice asked, and Grunt stepped up beside Mordin. He was also a child, and once again, Tali felt herself reduced to tears.

"Oh Jeebus, Grunt..."

John took her hand and squeezed. "I know. I just spotted Ash."

"You're kidding."

"No, she's with who has to be Kaiden. They're arguing about the merits of fire vs. water type Pokémon." John nodded over to a pair of kids, and sure enough, a young Ashley was arguing with an equally junior Kaiden.

"But Typholosion has a high special attack AND speed!" Ash was saying.

"True, but it can't match Feraligator in sheer strength!"

Looking around, Tali spotted all their friends, even two boys that had to be younger versions of Zaeed and Jacob. "Maybe this place isn't so bad. Everyone is alive."

"Yeah. But I don't think it's heaven."

Suddenly, the whole world drained of color and paused.

"Yeahhhhh. About that." An overweight, bearded human, about 25 or so years of age in blue pants and a t-shirt that read "excellence starts with learning,' appeared before them.

"A-HA!" Wrex sprang over and grabbed the human, putting his claws to the man's neck. "So YOU'RE the pyjak that did this!"

"I can explain! I can explain!" The human gasped, struggling in Wrex's iron grasp. And seriously wondering about the wisdom of an author avatar when a certain krogan had ALREADY kicked his ass. Oh, sorry Tali, my bad, back to your perspective.

Walking over, John put his hand on Wrex's arm. "Easy there, let's hear what he has to say first."

"Hmph. Fine." Gently, Wrex set down the human, who was shaking with fright.

"Explain yourself, why are John and I kids? Why do only Wrex and the two of us know what's happening?" Tali demanded.

The man held up his hands. "Whoa, easy there. This was all a bit of a mix up. I accidently created a branch reality. It sort of happened when all my readers were complaining that too many people had died, and well, the ending fabric got torn and you ended up in another dimension."

"What, do you expect us to believe you're God or something?"

"Oh no, just an author. I didn't even create you, you're just characters in my story."

"Watch your words, human. This krogan already beat you to within an inch of your life."

"Ok! Ok! But seriously, is this place I made for you so bad? All your friends are alive, there is mostly no Reapers, everything is all rainbows and sunshine. No pain cookies at all!"

Tali glanced at John, who frowned slightly. "Well, I guess. Wrex?"

"Hmph. If Bakara has had as many kids as I think she has, and I'm pretty sure I'm even the father, get that, then there's no genophage. And no one seems really biased against krogan. This place has got my approval. What about you Tali?"

"Everyone seems to treat geth and quarian like they're ordinary people. I've got no complaints, except maybe that I'm a kid again. But I got my mom back, so worth it."

"Agreed." John nodded. "This place isn't actually so bad. But what about that 'mostly no Reaper's' bit?"

Glancing at a bare wrist, Full-Paragon slapped his forehead. "Oh would you look at the time! It's spoilers o'clock! Oh, and if you like this, make sure to leave a review!" With a sudden snap, the strange human was gone and the world was moving again.

Wrex stood back and folded his arms, suddenly frowning when he saw Grunt and Mordin holding hands. "Hey, paws off my daughter shrimp! You may have killed a maw, but that doesn't me you can get handsy with my girl!" He roared, stomping over and glaring at Grunt, who laughed and glared right back.

Taking John's hand, Tali smiled at him. "I like it here."

"Yeah. I think I do too."

Just then, the door flew open, and out stepped Saren Arterius in a white lab coat. "Welcome, boys and girls and OOOFFF!"

With a single motion, John, Tali and Wrex had all jumped Saren. John had the turian by the mandible, so that a single twist could cause him crippling pain. Tali had her foot over the turian's sensitive diaphragm, one of the few areas on a turian's body not covered by thick metal plating. Wrex just had his claws around his throat.

"Talk, where are the Reapers! Where is Nazara?" John shouted, twisting the mandible just enough to cause pain.

"I don't know what you are talking about, please, if you want your Pokémon that badly, you can go first! I was going to give them away anyway!" Saren babbled.

"Oh really? Is that what you think, SPECTER?" Wrex growled. "What about my people? You were breeding an army!"

"A what?" Saren babbled, his voice warping with pain.

"And the geth! What did you do to the geth!" Tali shouted.

Saren's eyes flashed between the three, confusion painted thick on his face. "I was... Going to give them Pokémon?"

Slowly, John released the mandible. "I think he's telling the truth. The change must have affected him as well."

Letting her foot up, Tali reluctantly nodded. It did seem the former rogue specter had no memory of his former crimes.

"I think we should kill him anyway. On principle." Wrex rumbled, tightening his claws enough to draw a trickled of blood.

"No killing anyone unless they deserve it." John barked, slapping away Wrex's claws. Tali almost laughed, here was a small human boy, giving a massive krogan orders. And the krogan was taking them, abet reluctantly.

"Fine. But if he does anything, he's varren meat."

Reaching down, John helped Saren to his feet. "Sorry about that, ah, professor. You looked like a um, evil person I once met."

Dusting himself off, Saren glanced at the three worriedly. "Um, alright. Can I give out the Pokémon now? Birthday is my favorite day, after all."

"It's seriously everyone's birthday today?" Tali asked, glancing at the crowd of shocked and cowed children behind her.

Saren nodded, clearly ready to move and already having forgiven the three misplaced people. "Of course! It's first day of spring, Birthday!"

"Weird." John said, shaking his head. "So, we get a Pokémon?"

Happily nodding, Saren waved everyone into the lab. "Yes! Come on children, inside, I have enough for all of you!"

A cheer went up, and the kids happily trooped in after Saren. Wrex tagged along, growling at Grunt whenever he got too close to Mordin.

Inside, there were three large platforms, on top of which were piled small red and white balls. Behind each of the platforms stood two creatures. At the first platform there were two giant green monsters with flowers on their necks, grinning dopily at all the children. At the second, two sleek black creatures stood side by side, their fangs poking out of their mouths as they nodded to all the children. At the last, huge blue lizard things with massive claws and tails wagged at the children.

"Alright, you all know what I have here!" Saren laughed, gesturing to the piles of balls. "Come now, there's enough for everyone! I raised these Pokémon myself, and hatched all the eggs! Inside you will find either a chikorita, a cyndaquil, or a totodile. Take whichever Pokémon you want, but remember kids, only one each so there is enough to go around!"

"I want a gosh darn totodile!" Zaeed shouted, running over and grabbing a ball from the platform guarded by the blue monsters.

Taking a ball from the pile guarded by the black and tan creatures, Ash hugged it tight. "My very own cyndaquil!"

"Yes! Plant Pokémon forever!" Garrus crowed, grabbing a chikorita as the beaming monster parents looked on.

The other child-forms of the Normandy's crew, including a wheelchair bound Joker, pushed by a girl that had to be EDI, ran up and grabbed their own pokeballs.

"Oh, I love them all so much!" A pigtail bearing red head that had to be Kelly moaned. "How can I chose! Tali, you pick one, I'll take whatever you don't."

"Um, OK." Tali walked over and on a whim, grabbed a cyndaquil. If Ash liked it, it would be good enough for her.

John took a totodile, and Kelly grabbed a chikorita. "Yay! Come on you two, let's have a battle in the arena with the other kids!"

Together, John and Tali followed Kelly into an adjacent room that seemed to be some sort of sparing ground. Many of the other kids had miniature versions of the monsters they had just seen out, and the little creatures fought as their owners cheered on. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, and Tali watched in fascination as Mordin and Karen Chakwas's little creatures duked it out.

"Stanly claw! Aim for base of stem weak point in species," Mordin (the salarian, not the krogan) ordered.

"Toto!" his little beast growled, running forward to slash at the green plant monster Karen had chosen.

"Counter with growl Prim!" Karen countered, and the two creatures clashed as their owners cheered them on.

"This seems a little harsh, isn't it a bit cruel to force these baby animals to fight like this?" Tali asked Kelly as they approached an open spot.

"What? Pokémon love to fight!" Kelly answered, letting her own creature out of its ball. Tali was impressed, she had no idea such a large creature could fit into such a small ball. "I'm naming mine Ivy!" Kelly declared, pulling the chikorita into a hug.


"Um, how does it fit into such a small container?" John asked, pointing the tiny ball and the sizeable creature.

"Duh, it's stored digitally. Didn't you pay attention in class," Garrus said, coming up behind John. "Come on dude, let's battle!"

"Er, alright, but you might have to walk me through it."

"Ha! John Shepard, ace student, doesn't know how to have a Pokémon battle! Sure, I'll teach you!" Garrus assured, leading John away to spar.

Tali let her own little creature out of its ball, finding a small, squinty eyed creature that reminded her of a variety of pest that occasionally got into fleet food stores.

"Hmm, I need a name for you," Tali murmured, looking down at the little creature. It was hers after all, and she was sort of excited to have her very own pet. Quarian children often dreamed of having a pet drone, but a living creature was beyond their wildest imaginings. Or at least, that was how it had been on the fleet. Things were different now.

"Cyndi!" The little creature stated, and suddenly it's back lit on fire, then snuffed out.

"Whoa, that was impressive! Tr'zul it is! That's keelish for big fire."

"Quil!" The creature squeaked, then jumped up into Tali's arms and rubbed its head against her arm.

"Guess you like it!" Tali laughed.

"Ok, let's have a battle!" Kelly urged, taking a dozen steps back from Tali.

"How do we do that?" Tali asked, hugging Tr'zul tightly. "And will she get hurt?"

"Quil!" Tr'zul hopped down and started up her flame for a moment before it guttered out again.

Tali laughed nervously. "Well, you seem eager to fight at least. Are you sure?"

"Cyndaquil!" Tr'zul nodded to Tali, then turned back to face Ivy.

"Ok Tali, pull up Cyndiquil on your omnitool, it should be updated with Tr'zul's data. Start off with the beginner moves, you don't want to try anything too complicated until Tr'Zul is stronger and more experienced." Kelly called.

"Ok." Tali's omnitool looked the same as it always had, but there were quite a few programs on it she didn't recognize, and none of the ones she did. She did fine the "My Pokémon" app, and pulled up Tr'zul on the window. It showed a list of moves, categorized as beginner, trained, expert and advanced. On her beginner list were four moves, tackle, leer, smokescreen and ember. Each had a difficulty rating, with tackle and leer rated as a 1, smokescreen as a 2, and ember as a three.

"Better stick to tackle and leer." Tali muttered, pulling up the data on them. Tackle was self explanatory, Tr'zul would attempt to slam into her opponent to deal damage. Whatever "deal damage" meant. Leer lowered the foes resolve, weakening their defense.

"Got it. Ready Kelly!" Tali called.

"Ok! Ivy, hit her with a tackle!"

"Dodge to the left and use a leer! Go for the optics, Tr'zul!"

The cyndiquil managed to get out of Ivy's path, and shot a red glowing beam from its eyes, causing the chikorita to wince and shudder.

"Don't let that slow you down Ivy! Tackle!"

This time Ivy connected, smashing into Tr'zul.

"Hit back! Tackle Tr'zul!" Tali shouted.

"Cyndi!" Tr'zul hit Ivy back hard, forcing the green Pokémon away.

Kelly didn't miss a beat, ordering, "Respond with growl Ivy!"

The low sound Ivy emitted seemed to cause Tr'zul to pause, as if unsure if it was safe to attack.

"Leer, then tackle!" Tali cheered, getting into the rhythm of the battle. "Aim for the legs, hit her off balance!"

"Tackle her right back Ivy!"

The two Pokémon clashed, and the trainers cheered their Pokémon on.

"Don't stop, Tr'zul! Tackle that bosh'tet one more time, you've got her on the ropes!"

With a mighty squeak, Tr'zul slammed into Ivy, knocking her foe aside. Ivy struggled to rise, then collapsed, fainting away.

"Awww!" Kelly ran forward and took her Pokémon into her arms, taking her over to a strange machine. "Good fight Ivy! I'm so proud of you!"

Kelly put her mon back in her ball, then laid it on the machine and pressed a button. With a few beeps, the machine glowed, then fell silent. Tali took the ball from the machine and attached it to a magnet on her belt. "Good work Ivy, you rest now."

Tali returned Tr'zul to her own ball, and used the machine as well. "This heals them?"

"Yep! Works on people too, though we usually have a bigger one. The wonders of modern medicine!"

"Um, yeah..." Tali attached her own pokeball to her belt and walked over to John and Garrus, who were healing their own Pokémon.

"Good battle! Man, I thought Archangel had it there at the end, but your Fezzik pulled through!" Garrus was saying, slapping John on the back.

Smiling at Tali, John came over and gave her a hug, taking the chance to whisper in her ear. "That was actually kind of fun. Better than chess with Traynor, anyway. This world seems pretty nice."

"Yeah. I could get used to it. Growing up with the crew, no Reapers..."

Just then, the plot kicked in. I mean the lights went out. The children cried in panic, and Tali clung to John tightly. "What's happening?" She whispered.

"Don't be frightened children..." An eerily familiar voice called.

"Just prepare for trouble, and make it double!" An equally disturbingly recognizable voice called.

A spot light came on, highlighting Aria T'Lok in a strange white uniform with a giant orange "C" on it. "To protect the world from devastation..."

"To unite all people's within this nation..." Kai-Leng growled as he was also light up by a spot light, leaning against Aria's back. To Tali's shock, he was dressed the same as Aria, and was smelling from an enormous red flower of all things.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!" Aria cackled.

"To extend our reach to the stars above!" Kai-Leng declared, inhaling deeply of the flower.



The two raised their hands, clasping together. "TEAM CERBERUS!"

"TEAM CERBERUS BLASTING OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Aria crowed, as a strange looking purple snake dropped down from the ceiling and coiled itself around her shoulders.

Tossing the rose aside, Kai-Leng caught a purple ball with a skull and crossbones and a stupid looking grin. "SURRENDER NOW OR PERPARE TO FIGHT!"

A small beige cat creature dropped in front of the two posing villains and winked at the kids. "Meowth, I'm Khalisah al-Jilani! And that's right!"

"I CHOOSE FIGHT!" With a roar of rage, Urdnot Wrex barreled into the three, causing a huge explosion for some reason that caused the strangers and their Pokémon to be launched through the roof, creating perfect silloets.


With a twinkle, the three disappeared into the blue sky.

"HA! That'll show 'em." Wrex grunted. "Wonder what those idiots wanted."

"Oh thank the spirits!" A worried looking Saren appeared behind Wrex. "Those villains knocked me down and said there were here to steal all the kids Pokémon! Thanks for saving them Mr. Urdnot!"

"Seriously? Cerberus was here, and they just wanted to steal those little things?" Wrex asked, turning to face Saren.

"Oh yes!" The professor nodded furious. "Team Cerberus is a famous ring of Pokémon Thieves, run by-"

"Let me guess," John answered, stepping forward. "The Illusive Man?"

"Yes!" Saren nodded vigorously. "I'm just glad Mr. Urdnot was here to save us."

"So, what now?" Tali asked, coming forward to stand by John.

"Why, now you all go on a Pokémon adventure!" Saren cheered, throwing his arms wide open. "Travel throughout the land and collect badges, then compete in the Pokémon league! Oh, how I love Birthdays!"

John shrugged. "Eh, sure, why not. Sounds interesting. You up for it Tali?"

"Maybe tomorrow. Today, I want to spend time with my mom."

"Agreed. How about this, I'll get my mom to have the two of you over for dinner! I'd love to spend time with your family!"

"Man, what is up with Johnny and Tals," Lamentations whispered behind them.

"Beats me," Jacob answered. "They've sure been acting weird today. Did you see them take down Professor Saren? They were like, ninja's or something!"

Ignoring the chatter behind them, Tali and John walked out hand in hand. "You know, this feels a little weird." John admitted to Tali once they were beyond everyone else's hearing. "But I sort of like it here."

Tali nodded, then glanced down at John's pants and frowned. "Yeah, though I do have one question for you."

"What's that?"

"When do human males go through puberty? I know I'm not due for another two years."

Narrator: Aaaaand on that totally family unfriendly note, we're going to leave our two heroes What's going to happen next to our prospective Pokémon champions! Will they be able to get all the gym badges? What about the mysterious and nefarious Team Cerberus? Have we truly seen the last of them? Find out, on the next POKEMON: NORMANDY VERS-UGH!

A door opened behind the narrator, and in stepped a tall, pale-faced man, dressed in blue camouflage. Unnoticed yet, he calmly pulls two red pens out of his pocket, takes one in each fist, and then drives them into the narrator's neck, causing the overdressed man by the mike to scream and fall out of the chair. "Alright, time to fix this story," he says, picking up the script.

"Hmm, current location, the street in some stupid village from a game series I've never played. Eh, could be worse," he mutters, snapping his fingers. John and Tali stop in shock as the new figure appears in the street. "I hate small towns," he mutters, back towards from them.

"He doesn't look like that Full Paragon guy," Tali says suspiciously.

"I don't care. Let's take him!" John says, hurling his pokeball at the man's feet right as he turns around.

"Hey, now wait a second!" Jumping backwards, he pulls out a delete key, holding it in one hand and pressing it rapidly, and suddenly the pokeball is back on Shepard's belt. "Geez, give me a chance, here."

"A chance to do what, exactly?" Wrex rumbles as he comes up the street towards them.

He sighs, running a hand over his short hair. "I'm BlueNinja, FP's usual beta. I try to make sure he doesn't screw things up too badly. Usually that means spelling mistakes."

John and Tali exchanged a bewildered look. "Do what now?" John mutters.

"Little things, like making sure you aren't receiving 'you're Pokemon,' or adding commas so you're not talking like Mordin. The scientist, not the krogan," he explains, writing out the example in the air with a sharpie.

"And there's something wrong with a krogan scientist?" Wrex blusters.

"Er, not what I meant. Still, I have to get this back on track somehow. Which means sending you back to the Citadel," the ninja-man says, flipping to the end of the script and readying his pen.

FP: Yeah, no. Geeze, you killed my narrator though. I'm retconing that little fiasco, but now I have to find a new Narrator! I know, I can just use you!

blu: Hey, I don't do Pokemon!

FP: To damn bad blu. You killed it, you bought it. YOU narrate now.

blu: You cannot be serious!

FP: Eh, I'm sure this will never catch on. Unless the fans want it. Then your screwed.

blu: *You're.

FP: Sigh. Fine, I'll fix it later.

blu: Really?


APRIL FOOLS! Serious chapter to go up tomorrow. And like I said, if you really like this, leave a review ;) maybe I'll do a spin off series someday.

(And yes, I seriously wrote this as an April fool's joke. With a lot of help from my beta, even if he did stab me in the neck. I totally deserved it for this crack.)

Note to RockyCombo:

LET ME SPELL THINGS OUT FOR YOU. THIS WAS A JOKE. I changed my avatar, the picture for Keelah, and wrote this chapter, as a joke. For real. Now go read the chapter, I think it's pretty funny (but not as funny as your reaction to seeing my changed profile was)