Hello Lovely Reader!
Welcome to my imagination! Good luck. You'll need it.
I'm really psyched about this fic—I've been writing and editing it since January. Before we dive into the story though, there are a few important things that need to be stated and I'd really advise that you read this entire pre-chapter so as not to get the wrong idea. (Thank you for your cooperation in this matter)
First and foremost, this story is a parody, which the dictionary defines as: "a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature or writing". My fic is a parody of RPF, specifically phan RPF. Please understand that I genuinely enjoy phanfiction. I'm not dissing anyone's fics. If you've written a phan story on this site, chances are likely I've read it and enjoyed it. The goal of this story is to amuse: NOT to harm anyone. However, being a parody, you may find certain parts of it offensive. Please understand that is in no way my intent. I'm just trying to poke a bit of fun at something that we all enjoy.
My wonderful beta-readers: Katisha (KDaisyH) and Naomi (Rose Marion BAD WOLF). You ladies have been fantastic! Thank you so much. NaNoWriMo – for inspiring and supporting this bout of literary abandon.
The thoughts, opinions, and situations expressed in this completely and utterly fictitious account do not necessarily reflect the views of the creator and/or any other affiliated persons. The author renounces all rights to the characters of:
Daniel Howell, Philip Lester, Carrie Hope Fletcher, Alex Day, Charlie McDonnell, Bryarly Bishop, Ed Blann, Michael Aranda, Kristina Horner, Kayley Hyde, Liam Dryden, BriBry Really O' Riley, Chris Kendall, PJ Liguori, John Green, Hank Green, Ciaran O'Brien, Emma Blackery, Jack Howard, Dean Dobbs, Khyan Mansley, Bertie Gilbert, Bethan Mary Leadley, Benjamin Cook, Hazel Hayes, Brad and Liam from World of the Orange (whose surnames I was unable/not motivated enough to locate), Lindsey Williams, Lex Croucher, Sam Pepper, Danny Hooper, Jack Harries, Finn Harries, Ian Hecox, Anthony Padilla, Felix Kjellberg, Cryaotic (ditto on the real name front), Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Michael Jackson, Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss), Benedict Cumberbatch, Elvis Presley, William Shakespeare, Tom Milsom, Tom Fletcher, Tom Law, Tom Ridgewell, Tom McLean, and/or anyone else answering to the name of "Tom".
I own none of them, because that would clearly be a human rights violation.
The author is also not affiliated with or in any way sponsored by:
YouTube, BBC Radio 1, VidCon, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Formspring, deviantART, Wattpad, NaNoWriMo, Starbucks, Apple, Cadbury's, ShakeAway, Maltesers, Country Crisp, Pom-Bears, the Holy Bible, Totoro, Mario Kart Wii, Final Fantasy, the London Underground, Harry Potter, and/or Winne the Pooh.
Rated "I" for immature
Made in America – by fourth-generation Czechoslovakian-American slave labor (me)
All rights reserved; no wrongs reserved
Caution: hot coffee is hot
Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, was probably intentional
Any reproduction, retransmission, or rebroadcast without the expressed, written consent of the author… is completely fine. Don't sweat it
Hands and feet must be firmly attached to their respective appendages at all times by way of skin, ligaments, tendons… etc.
Harmful or fatal if swallowed
Contents (or characters) may settle (or aggravate) during shipping
Only one animal was harmed in the making of this fic – my dog, when I ran over his tail with the office chair (sorry, Tucker)
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear
Smoking may be hazardous to your health
Batteries not included (they never are, kid. you'd better get used to it)
Prolonged exposure may cause drowsiness, nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, delirium, general disgust for humanity, uncontrollable weeping, face-palming and/or head-desking
In case of accidental overdose, seek medical attention immediately
Discontinue use if rash develops
Apply brake before POV shifting
Children left unsupervised will be offered espresso, sugary cereal, and 5-Hour Energy drinks
Do not use if seal is broken (take that seal to the vet, pronto)
Individual enjoyment level may vary
Watch for ice (in chapters 19-20)
Just say "no" to drugs, alcohol, and unnecessary POV shifts
May contain nuts (it certainly was written by one)
No lifeguard on duty
Not affiliated with the American Red Cross
One size fits the people for whom that size is the appropriate size
Nutritional information available on request
Not responsible for acts of God
Please remove baby before folding stroller
You could've had a V8
Void where prohibited
Always read in a well-ventilated area
Not dishwasher safe
No shoes, no shirt, no problem
Not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment
May contain material some readers may find objectionable (a grain of salt is advised)
This product is not intended for use as a dental drill (few things are, sadly)
Reduce, reuse, recycle
In case of emergency, you should probably scream and/or run
For recreational use only
Some plot assembly required
Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients
This license is effective until terminated
Pre-recorded for this time zone
No Canadian coins accepted
Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice
Not intended for use in toaster oven
It is in violation of the fanfictional law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling
Terms and conditions apply
And finally, please enjoy the story!