Hello Lovely Reader!

Welcome to my imagination! Good luck. You'll need it.

I'm really psyched about this fic—I've been writing and editing it since January. Before we dive into the story though, there are a few important things that need to be stated and I'd really advise that you read this entire pre-chapter so as not to get the wrong idea. (Thank you for your cooperation in this matter)


First and foremost, this story is a parody, which the dictionary defines as: "a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature or writing". My fic is a parody of RPF, specifically phan RPF. Please understand that I genuinely enjoy phanfiction. I'm not dissing anyone's fics. If you've written a phan story on this site, chances are likely I've read it and enjoyed it. The goal of this story is to amuse: NOT to harm anyone. However, being a parody, you may find certain parts of it offensive. Please understand that is in no way my intent. I'm just trying to poke a bit of fun at something that we all enjoy.


My wonderful beta-readers: Katisha (KDaisyH) and Naomi (Rose Marion BAD WOLF). You ladies have been fantastic! Thank you so much. NaNoWriMo – for inspiring and supporting this bout of literary abandon.


The thoughts, opinions, and situations expressed in this completely and utterly fictitious account do not necessarily reflect the views of the creator and/or any other affiliated persons. The author renounces all rights to the characters of:

Daniel Howell, Philip Lester, Carrie Hope Fletcher, Alex Day, Charlie McDonnell, Bryarly Bishop, Ed Blann, Michael Aranda, Kristina Horner, Kayley Hyde, Liam Dryden, BriBry Really O' Riley, Chris Kendall, PJ Liguori, John Green, Hank Green, Ciaran O'Brien, Emma Blackery, Jack Howard, Dean Dobbs, Khyan Mansley, Bertie Gilbert, Bethan Mary Leadley, Benjamin Cook, Hazel Hayes, Brad and Liam from World of the Orange (whose surnames I was unable/not motivated enough to locate), Lindsey Williams, Lex Croucher, Sam Pepper, Danny Hooper, Jack Harries, Finn Harries, Ian Hecox, Anthony Padilla, Felix Kjellberg, Cryaotic (ditto on the real name front), Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Michael Jackson, Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss), Benedict Cumberbatch, Elvis Presley, William Shakespeare, Tom Milsom, Tom Fletcher, Tom Law, Tom Ridgewell, Tom McLean, and/or anyone else answering to the name of "Tom".

I own none of them, because that would clearly be a human rights violation.

The author is also not affiliated with or in any way sponsored by:

YouTube, BBC Radio 1, VidCon, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Formspring, deviantART, Wattpad, NaNoWriMo, Starbucks, Apple, Cadbury's, ShakeAway, Maltesers, Country Crisp, Pom-Bears, the Holy Bible, Totoro, Mario Kart Wii, Final Fantasy, the London Underground, Harry Potter, and/or Winne the Pooh.

Just FYI…

Rated "I" for immature

Made in America – by fourth-generation Czechoslovakian-American slave labor (me)

All rights reserved; no wrongs reserved

Caution: hot coffee is hot

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, was probably intentional

Any reproduction, retransmission, or rebroadcast without the expressed, written consent of the author… is completely fine. Don't sweat it

Hands and feet must be firmly attached to their respective appendages at all times by way of skin, ligaments, tendons… etc.

Harmful or fatal if swallowed

Contents (or characters) may settle (or aggravate) during shipping

Only one animal was harmed in the making of this fic – my dog, when I ran over his tail with the office chair (sorry, Tucker)

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

Smoking may be hazardous to your health

Batteries not included (they never are, kid. you'd better get used to it)

Prolonged exposure may cause drowsiness, nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, delirium, general disgust for humanity, uncontrollable weeping, face-palming and/or head-desking

In case of accidental overdose, seek medical attention immediately

Discontinue use if rash develops

Apply brake before POV shifting

Children left unsupervised will be offered espresso, sugary cereal, and 5-Hour Energy drinks

Do not use if seal is broken (take that seal to the vet, pronto)

Individual enjoyment level may vary

Watch for ice (in chapters 19-20)

Just say "no" to drugs, alcohol, and unnecessary POV shifts

May contain nuts (it certainly was written by one)

No lifeguard on duty

Not affiliated with the American Red Cross

One size fits the people for whom that size is the appropriate size

Nutritional information available on request

Not responsible for acts of God

Please remove baby before folding stroller

You could've had a V8

Void where prohibited

Always read in a well-ventilated area

Not dishwasher safe

No shoes, no shirt, no problem

Not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment

May contain material some readers may find objectionable (a grain of salt is advised)

This product is not intended for use as a dental drill (few things are, sadly)

Reduce, reuse, recycle

In case of emergency, you should probably scream and/or run

For recreational use only

Some plot assembly required

Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients

This license is effective until terminated

Pre-recorded for this time zone

No Canadian coins accepted

Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice

Not intended for use in toaster oven

It is in violation of the fanfictional law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling

Terms and conditions apply

And finally, please enjoy the story!