KissMeDeadlyT-T: I don't think anyone is prepared for the amount of derp that is about to be thrust upon them.
Rated for language, sexual implications, and, well… Ed being a lovable moron. I also wrote this quickly in English class because I had nothing better to do and the notes we were taking are pointless, so please excuse any stupid errors. This was a rush job and I tried to fix all my mistakes. And uh... they didn't have fridges in this time, right? In real life anyway. We are now going to pretend fridges existed in this time in Amestris if they didn't before.
Obviously I don't own FMA because seriously this is FFNet; none of us own any of our fandoms.
"Ohhhmyfuck, you bastard, I live here for fuck's sake, why the hell isn't there anything else in your fridge besides fuckin' milk?"
Those were the first words Roy Mustang got to hear that morning, the rough and sleep-husked voice letting him know his oh-so-charming and morning-person (or not) of a lover was awake. Glancing up from his novel, he looked towards the kitchen adjacent to the living room in which he lay extended on the couch, only to see a messy-haired Edward glowering at him. Standing in nothing but Roy's loose white shirt that had been thrown on the ground sometime last night, mismatched arms crossed impatiently, left foot—flesh, now— tapping on the ground in a gettin' real tired of your shit Mustang way, Ed looked almost sexy enough to eat, in Roy's mind. He was debating to himself how much shit he would get into if he ignored Ed's complaint and just went over there and continued where they'd left off the previous night.
However, the way Edward's flaming gold eyes were practically shooting venom-coated daggers at him told him that wouldn't be the best idea right now, if he enjoyed having his dick whole and remaining located between his legs. Sighing, he set down his novel and looked Ed dead in the eye, responding with an adequate amount of coolness to Ed's morning sass.
"Oh, I don't know, Ed," he said sarcastically. "I've been throwing in fourteen hour shifts for the past two weeks, in case you didn't remember. How about you act like the adult you are and go to the fucking grocery store if you have a problem?"
Ed just rolled his eyes and disappeared back into the kitchen. Shaking his head, Roy picked up his novel again, stretching his legs out further on the couch. It looked to be a nice day; even though it was only ten in the morning, the sun was shining bright, the skies marred by only the occasional fluffy white cloud and dotted with the flapping outlines of birds playing in the distance. Through the window, which he had cracked open to cool down the house, the faint bustle of downtown Central could be heard; a busy and homey background sound that added to the familiarity of their home. It was his first day off in weeks, and he was relieved that it was nice out. He hated rain and everything cold and wet.
The sound of snickering from the kitchen drew his attention away from his book. "Ed?" he called. His only response was more giggling. Rolling his eyes, Roy sighed and got to his feet, walking over to the kitchen. He leaned on the wall next to the counter to see Ed kneeling in front of the fridge, a huge grin on his face as he looked at a half-empty carton of milk. This concerned Roy— sometimes he wondered, really, whether Ed was okay in the head. Laughing at a carton of milk didn't really convince him that he was, and he became especially worried when Ed's snickers turned into little hysterical, high-pitched giggles, as if the milk carton had told him the funniest joke in the world.
Roy wandered closer to the fridge, looking down at Ed with a strange look. "Edward?"
"This is so perfect, oh my gate, bastard, I fucking love you." Ed sniggered again.
"Uh… okay, great, I love you too, but… Ed, why are you laughing at the milk carton?" Roy asked anxiously.
Ed stood up on wobbly legs (which secretly pleased Roy, because he knew just what had caused those strong legs to be tired enough to wobble) and all but shoved the carton into his face. "Look at it," he said, grinning from ear to ear. "Loooook."
Roy took it from his hands, mostly because he was worried Ed would try to use it as a weapon and attack him or something, since he was clearly insane. Really, he'd never been much of a morning person, but he usually wasn't this odd. Usually. He went to slowly place it back into the fridge and attempt to nonchalantly move Ed away from the area by doing something like an embrace, but Ed bit at his shoulder and protested, "Damnit, Mustang, I said look! You didn't look!"
"Ed, did you forget to take your pills or something, because holy fuck."
"Shut up, you ass, I ain't on pills and you know it." Ed wriggled out of the hug and darted under Roy's arms to grab the milk carton again. He put in up in Roy's face again. "Read the label."
"Dublith Dairy Products."
"No, you sarcastic shit. Thiiis." Ed jabbed a metal finger at the lower right corner of the carton, where it read…
Roy gave Ed a flat are you serious right now stare. "It means homogenized milk, you idiot."
"Homo milk." Ed snickered. "You have homo milk, Roy, that is so perfect."
It seemed that Ed hadn't grown any more mature. Being eighteen and legally an adult didn't seem to mean anything to him, because as Roy just gave him this look, he continued laughing, wrapping his arms around Roy's waist and looking up at him with a grin and sparkling eyes. Roy could feel the stupid milk carton digging into his back.
"You know, this is your destiny."
"I thought you didn't believe in that shit."
Ed ignored him, grinning wider. "It's your destiny to have homo milk, because you are a homo."
"You are too," Roy pointed out.
"Yeah but I hate milk, so it doesn't count."
Roy groaned and put a hand on Ed's face, shoving him none-too-gently away. "Go back to sleep. You're not awake yet."
"Hehe, hoooomooo milk."
"Ed, shut up."
"I'm going to shove it down your throat if you don't shut the fuck up."
Ed wriggled his eyebrows. "That's very homo of you."
"Do you want a glass?"
"No, I don't want any fucking homo milk."
"Don't deny your destiny, Roy."
KissMeDeadlyT-T: I was at the store with my friend the other day and he grabbed me and brought me to the milk aisle and was like "OMG IT'S MY MILK, LOOK" and I nearly died because the abbreviated form of homogenized is homo. He honestly took the milk and held it to his chest and started talking to it as if it was a long-lost lover until we got kicked out of the store for being too noisy. :D
Now you know the inspiration for this. I don't know if you cared, but well, you know. And if you're offended by my ridiculous sense of humour don't be because that's stupid because I don't mean it in a bad way. So just don't be offended.
What you should do is review, pretty please with an Alphonse on top. I am a whore for reviews. c:
Have some homo milk! All of you! *sprinkles homogenized milk over readers* If you don't like milk or are lactose intolerant, suck it up. I don't either really and I am lactose intolerant as fuck SO JUST ACCEPT THE HOMO MILK SHOWER.