Disclaimer: Yana Toboso owns "Kuroshitsuji" and all of its characters featured in this story. I do not.
Authors Note: This is my first FanFiction that I've posted online, and I hope to upload many, many more in the future! I've read over it multiple times, but since this is
my first, I've probably made a few mistakes, so if you'd like to point something out to me I'd be happy to correct it. Instructive criticism is welcome! Also, I want to go
ahead and warn you: This is yaoi. If you don't like yaoi, then you probably don't want to read it. I'm open to suggestions for future chapters. Please feel free to
comment and review. Thanks! - RavenWriter1886
Dearest Diary - Chapter 1
The Mind Game
Sebastian Michaelis first noticed his young master's strange behavior sometime around the beginning of spring. The temperature had risen
considerably in the past few days, and for the first time in months, Ciel Phantomhive had ventured outside for a walk through the rose garden.
Sebastian had been curious about the true nature of Ciel's little walk, as the young earl spent little time outdoors and the flowers had yet to bloom.
After debating as to whether or not he should secretly follow his master, Sebastian was approached by the Phantomhive Manor's reckless group of
servants, who were all just as curious as he was. That was when the butler finally decided to at least check on the young boy. After putting away the
fine plates that his young master was fond of, Sebastian accompanied the gardener, Finny, outside to the lush gardens that surrounded the
Phantomhive estate. The two spotted Ciel almost instantly, recognizing the customary black and blue ensemble of the child, the dark colors standing
out against his smooth, pale skin. He was seated underneath an old tree not far away, hunched over an unusual black volume as if to shield it from
someone who might approach him from behind. Of course, this only aroused the servants' curiosity further. Ciel appeared to be writing sloppily in this
volume with an ink pen, but what he was writing was unknown at the time. Sebastian and Finny watched this unusual display for awhile, and, upon
realizing that the boy was in no danger, the two left.
Now Sebastian stared at the black volume in his hand, which had carelessly been left atop the young earl's cluttered desk the previous night. There
was no writing nor title on the outside cover of the book, leading Sebastian to believe that it was some sort of business journal for the Funtom
Company. But if this were the case, wouldn't Ciel have shown this to Sebastian? He was, after all, responsible for most of the company's billing and
such. The butler ran one hand through his raven-black hair, trying to decide if he should open the book or leave it on the desk where he found it. If
Ciel were to discover that the book had been opened, he would receive a serious scolding and perhaps have his permission to keep felines in the
garden taken away. But what if Ciel never found out? It wasn't like Sebastian to go behind his master's back, but the boy had never ordered the
butler to stay away from this book before him, and it wasn't sealed in any way. He obviously knew that what he was doing was wrong, but, being a
demon, Sebastian hardly cared. Well, that settles it, then. Sebastian quickly opened the book and turned to the first page, eyeing the small, sloppy
writing that adorned it. He looked over these pages with care, his crimson eyes widening all the while. It was what appeared to be a diary. The first
page dated to about a month ago, and the most recent entry had been written that very day. Overtaken by curiosity, Sebastian began to read.
Elizabeth and Aunt Francis stopped by to visit me for the day. I do wish that they had informed me of their plans beforehand, but alas, they did not. They told
me that this was "a surprise visit" and that I did look awfully surprised. I imagine I did. I hadn't planned on entertaining company today, and so I had to rely
on Sebastian's quick thinking yet again. If it were not for that man, my social life would have gone straight to hell two years ago. I long to be able to let him
know how much he's done for me, how much he means to me. I seem to be incapable of properly showing gratitude (and, sadly, emotion in general) without
making an absolute fool of myself, though, so I must be content in putting pen to paper and writing these thoughts down. I've never kept a diary before, as I
am often occupied with tedious tasks relating to errands from Queen Victoria, as well as social engagements, which tend to be even worse, in my opinion.
The only reason that I am starting one now is because my thoughts have been getting in the way of my work as of late, and I believe a diary might help me
to organize my seemingly-random jumble of emotions and memories. Of course, I can not write down the pain I feel from my past, can not communicate to
you the horror of being defiled as I have. Not one human being, save for me can read this and truly understand what I have experienced. I suppose that's
the way it is with every journal: You can read the words one has written and know their story, yet you can not truly relate until you have walked in that
person's shoes. Do other children think this way, I wonder? Do they understand that we've no idea what each other is going through? Elizabeth says that I
am unusual in my way of thinking, perhaps more advanced than the average thirteen-year-old boy. But how does one know if that's true, if they've never
lived the lives of other boys? I fear that I am going mad, as I am nearly always having these thoughts. They seem to often to center around Sebastian, and
the guilt I feel for imposing upon him far too often. I try to reason with myself that it's okay, as I've already been through enough in my lifetime to not have
to worry about such things. But Sebastian has lived through countless lifetimes. He's seen the death of many great people, experienced life centuries before
I have. Has he not earned this right as well? – Ciel
Sebastian stared at the book, feeling as if he were reading the thoughts and musings of a different Ciel, not the one he had spent three years
serving. He saw the child in a whole new light now. Gone was the image of a selfish, spoiled boy with little regard for his servants, and in its place
was an image of a young loner concerned about the misunderstandings that humans generally have of each other. Sebastian's face flushed slightly
as he set the book back down on the table, recalling the parts of the diary where his young master had mentioned him. I long to be able to let him
know how much he's done for me, how much he means to me. What was that supposed to be mean? Sebastian rubbed his temples, attempting to try
and understand Ciel's words. That was when he realized his inability to interpret their true meaning was exactly what Ciel had been referring to:
Since he was not the one who wrote it, he could not really know what Ciel was meaning. Still, the words wouldn't leave the demon's head. He let out
a sigh as he paced back and forth before the desk where the book rested. Was Ciel meaning that he had feelings for Sebastian romantically, or
perhaps brotherly? Maybe even fatherly? Sebastian slammed his fist down on the desk, his desire for answers overwhelming him. Damn it. He had
never much liked things that he couldn't understand, possibly because he knew most everything. He glanced back towards the black diary, realizing
that it was something of a mind game that Ciel was unknowingly playing with him. He would continue to be sucked in to the book, always looking for
answers but only finding more questions. Knowing that he was being foolish and that he should just leave the book and go about his daily duties,
Sebastian picked it up once again and prepared to read the next entry.
I've allowed myself a sort of break today; I figured that putting up with Elizabeth yesterday was more than enough work for me. It has begun to rain a bit,
and the weather is absolutely dreadful; I refuse to have to work with the view from my window so dreary. Instead, I engaged Sebastian in a game of chess,
but upon finding it nearly time for lunch, Sebastian departed and promised that we'd resume the game afterwards. It has only been a few minutes, but
already I miss his company. I find that he is the only person I can make enjoyable conversation with, even though most of his words are only spoke to tease
me. Perhaps he does this to catch me off guard, as it is rather shocking that he should communicate with his master in such a way. Maybe this is the way
he plans to win at chess. I may focus too much on his words, and forget to study the game, thus accidentally leaving my king vulnerable for capture. But of
course, I am not so reckless. I shan't lose at my own game. I shall take any chance I have of winning, hang on even when the chances of my victory are
slim. I am the guard-dog of the queen, and therefore I do not lose. This game shall be most interesting, though; I've never matched wits with a demon
before. I can picture his handsome features, his devious lips smirking as he moves his pieces across the board, his crimson eyes taking in my every move. I
am now studying the board so as to make sure I have the advantage when he comes back to play. I can not wait for his return, and with it, my victory.
Sebastian reread the same entry three times over, trying to soak in every bit of information he could. Regardless of how many times he reread it, his
eyes would always drift back to the same line, always try to decode its meaning. It has only been a few minutes, but I already miss his company.
Sebastian had always been under the impression that the young master was rather annoyed by his presence, but this line seemed to prove him
wrong. Ciel had seemed to want nothing to do with the demon, had always shooed him out of rooms and grew angered by his mocking words. Hell,
Sebastian remembered times when Ciel would strike him for those very words. Smirking at the idea of Ciel actually enjoying his presence, Sebastian
tucked the volume in to his coat and continued to dust the young master's bookshelves. He planned to take the book to his own quarters that night
in order to read more in to Ciel's secret thoughts. After all, it was his fault for leaving the diary out in the first place. Ciel should have known better
than to tempt the devil.