THE FUNERAL REVELATION
SCENE: An airplane en route back to California. PENNY is sleeping on LEONARD's shoulder. SHELDON is on his other side, also asleep but with a large noise-canceling headset over his ears. HOWARD leans over from behind him.
HOWARD: So, you're telling me she finally said it? I mean, in words this time? For real?
LEONARD: (Quietly) Yep. She finally said it. She loves me.
HOWARD: I thought she said that that one other time when she was on her way to the Cheesecake Factory.
LEONARD: (Smiles contentedly.) Not like this, she didn't.
HOWARD: Oh, why? Did you two have coitus in a bedroom closet or something?
(LEONARD smiles at him.) You sick, twisted, and lucky bastard.
LEONARD: Oh, c'mon. You and Bernadette have done some pretty freaky stuff.
HOWARD: If by freaky you mean having carnal relations in the decontamination shower at work or at home when my mother's asleep and we have to wear mutual ball gags to keep the noise down, then yes. But a wake kind of puts you in a new league. I only hope the rest of us can do something that crazy someday.
LEONARD: (Looks around.) Well, I suppose there's always the mile high club.
HOWARD: Oh, like I can join that. Please. My wife is two hours and thirty thousand feet below us, and so is Sheldon's girlfriend. The only one of us who'd have any chance of that would be you –
LEONARD: I meant Raj. (Nods) Look.
(They turn. RAJ is chatting up a female flight attendant and sipping a beer.)
LEONARD: You know, one of these days, he's going to have to learn to talk to actual women without the benefit of alcohol.
HOWARD: Yes, but until then, we can rest assured we will be provided with countless hours of amusement at his expense.
(Cut to: RAJ whispering something in flight attendant's ear. Her face reddens in anger, and she punches him in the face, dropping him to the floor.)
LEONARD and HOWARD: Owww!
(PENNY wakes up and turns to look over her chair.)
PENNY: What happened?
LEONARD: Raj flubbed a layup with a female flight attendant.
PENNY: He was hitting on a flight attendant?
PENNY: Doesn't he know they get hit on all the time? His chances of scoring with one of them is about the same as his chances of scoring with a stripper.
HOWARD: It's not the likelihood that matters. It's the fantasy. You know, making it with a woman in the bathroom and joining the mile high club?
PENNY: You're telling me that you think it would be romantic to have sex in a filthy airplane bathroom where most women are afraid to sit on the toilet seat let alone do anything else in a tiny, cramped space like that?
(LEONARD and HOWARD exchange glances.)
LEONARD: Well, yeah.
PENNY: (Disgusted. Puts her earphones back on.) I'll never understand men!