Cradle Robber

Still don't own any of these characters...but I did make up Hermione's Uncle Darien (^.^)

"Hey pasty!" The voice boomed throughout the indoor pool chamber.

"Pardon?" Lucius glared.

"You heard me whitey," Dare smirked.

"I have been called many things, but never pasty or whitey," Lucius said the words as though he swallowed one of Albus Dumbledore's lemon drops.

"Ha!" Dare smacked the wizard's back, ignoring the look of murderous intent that crossed Lucius's face. "You on steroids?" The General squeezed the wizard's forearm.

"Steroids?" A look of confusion crossed Lucius's face and he pulled his arm away.

"Yeah, you know...oh, maybe you don't because you're probably taking a potion," Dare snickered. "You're probably some scrawny little runt without the extra help." Lucius's face turned red in under a second.

"Pardon me!" Lucius hissed while Darien continued snickering. "I am not some scrawny little runt nor do I need extra help!" He flexed his arms. "These are all natural," he said arrogantly.

"Sure, sure," Darien chuckled. "I'll bet you can't even complete a basic training course," he challenged. Lucius lifted an elegantly groomed eyebrow. "Probably afraid of tanning that pasty British ass," he added under his breath, but still spoke loud enough for the wizard to hear.

"I will accept that challenge," Lucius answered. "If you accept my challen-"

"Deal," Darien answered before the details of the wizard's challenge could be issued. "But no magic allowed." Lucius smirked widened.

"Deal." They 'shook' hands before pushing the others away.


"You will climb that wall, swing down to the other side without falling off the rope, crawl under the barbed wire towards the tires, and run through every single tire without tripping in less than three minutes and forty three seconds...the record time," Darien smirked. Lucius glared.

"You did not tell me I would be getting covered in mud!" He hissed.

"You didn't ask," Darien shrugged.

"Cochon Americain," Lucius muttered.

"Resorting to different languages?"

"Oh you understand French?" Lucius put on a mock-horrified face.

"Too chicken to say it in English?" Dare glared.

"American pig."

"British Slave driver!"

"British Slave driver?"

"I'd like to kick you and see how you like it!"

"Kick me than!" Darien kicked him. "You American Chit!" Lucius yelled while holding his right leg.

"You lost."

"I lost what?"

"It's now been five minutes and you're still standing here," Darien laughed. Lucius's hand twitched over his cane while he glared at the muggle.


"Not so confident now are you?" Lucius laughed. Darien glared.

"You could have warned me!"

"You accepted before I could mention what my challenge was," Lucius smirked as he watched the man struggle.

"You could still have warned me that this involved lifting and throwing stones and logs!"

"You didn't ask," Lucius shrugged while smirking.

"I'll bet you can't even lift this!"

Lucius lifted an eyebrow and easily lifted the twelve-kilogram stone and tossed it.

"Well I'll be damned," Darien muttered.

"You lost," Lucius laughed.

"You lost too!"

"A Malfoy never looses!"

"You lost the war."

"I defected before Voldemort lost so that doesn't count!"

"Why? Afraid you were going to Loose?"

"You ignorant American!"

"At least my niece is not as ignorant!"

"She's not American," Lucius sniffed.

"But as her guardian she has a temporary citizenship. Therefore she is temporarily American!"

"Thank Merlin it is only temporary!"

"What do you have against Americans?"

"Absolutely nothing...expect that you make them seem more unenlightened the more I get know you!"

"The more I get know you, you make the British seem more stuck up!"

"Well I never!" Hermione gasped.

"Kitten!" Dare rushed to his niece's side. "I didn't mean you!" Hermione sidestepped her Uncle, glaring at the man.

"Don't!" Hermione wiped away a tear. "Just don't."

"Come poppet," Lucius cooed over her. Hermione allowed him to embrace her while he smirked over her shoulder at her livid Uncle. "Let's get you ready for our evening dinner."

"You are not going to propose again are you?" Hermione asked dryly. Lucius stiffened and Darien snickered. "What were you two doing anyway?"

"Lucius challenged me!" Darien answered before Lucius could even open his mouth. He glared.

"What?" Hermione asked through gritted teeth while glaring at the wizard.

"He challenged me first!" Lucius pointed at the smirking man.

"In all my short years I have never seen my father act like a petulant child," Draco smirked at his father.

"I am not petulant!" They could practically hear the pout in Lucius's voice. Darien snickered.

"In all my years I have never seen my Uncle stoop so low as to goad a petulant child!" Hermione glared and Darien actually pouted. "You two will apologise to each other! Especially to Draco and me for acting like unruly children," Hermione ordered.

"I apologise Draco, Poppet...Darien," Lucius said with a small tilt of his head to Darien. Darien crossed his arms and bit his tongue.

"Uncle Dare," Hermione warned. Lucius smirked and Draco narrowed his eyes at his father.

"I apologize Kitten, Draco," Darien said contritely.

"You will apologise to Lucius too," Hermione glared at the grown man. He bit his lips between his teeth. "Uncle Dare," Hermione warned. He ignored her and stared the older blond down. "Uncle Dare!" Hermione yelled. Darien flinched.

"I apologize Lucius," he muttered.

"Say it with contrition!" Hermione ordered. Darien glared at his niece and Hermione fingered her wand.

"You can't use magic," Darien smirked. Hermione smirked back.

"I cannot," she conceded, "but Draco can." Darien shuddered and Draco smirked.

"I apologize Lucius," Darien said a bit more meaningfully. Hermione and Draco nodded and left the two men to themselves.

"That was horrible acting," Lucius said under his breath so Hermione and Draco would not overhear.

"And you're a better actor?" Dare scoffed.

"Much better than you since Hermione and my son accepted my first apology as sincere," Lucius smirked.

"Yeah well...I hope my niece refuses you again!"

"That was low," Lucius glared.

"Yet you have practically lowered yourself to begging my niece to marry you every other day," Dare laughed.

"I do not beg!"

"No, you just get on a knee and plead for her hand," Darien snickered and Lucius glowered.

"Malfoys do not plead or beg!" Lucius hissed.

"You do."

"I do not! I just know what I want!"

"Petulant child," Darien snickered.

"Obstreperous child!"

"Rowdy British Prick!"

"Do you have something against us British?!"

"No...just that you make them seem as supercilious as yourself!"

"Oh the American knows a big word," Lucius taunted.

"At least I'm not a cradle robber!" Darien yelled.

"Uncle Dare!" Hermione yelled back then kneeled over in pain and Draco helped her out of the gardens and into the Manor.

"Look what you have done!" Lucius hissed.

"What I have done?!" Darien yelled.

"Yes! You know she cannot be stressed!"

"Yet here you are yelling at me instead of helping the woman carrying your child!"

"And here you are yelling at me instead of rushing to help your niece! You are her primary physician!"

"I may be her primary physician but she would not be in this condition if you had not impregnated her!"

"Father! Darien!" Draco yelled at the two glowering men who yelped and held their bums. Draco smirked at the men, tucking his wand back up his sleeve, and lifted an eyebrow. "Don't think I didn't know what you two were up to today."

"Don't tell "Kitten" "Poppet"!" Darien shouted and Lucius hissed.

This just popped into my head today...It may not be that great, but I thought I would add it to the first 'one shot' I posted. I do not know if I will add anything else after this...

I guess time and my imagination will tell...