It is I! With a quick update!
The rest of the story is totally outlined so hopefully it won't take me forever to write the rest of it. There's only four chapters after this one and then the epilogue and this story will be finished. BUT there is still more to tell. Lots of timestamps planned out. But I probably won't be writing those for a little while since I need to write my DCBB for this year.
Anywho, the first word of this chapter was supposed to be the last word of last chapter but for some reason I didn't copy and paste it? I dunno what happened. But here it is.
Also serious content warning for homophobic slurs and derogatory language. There's some violence and then a whole lot of Dean hating himself a little and thinking some pretty awful thoughts.
Okie dokie, lets get on with the start of this angst party that is the next few chapters of this story.
Dean squeezed his eyes shut but when he opened them it was still there. And a low murmur was beginning behind him now that people knew he had seen. There was even scattered snickering and a few wolf whistles.
"Hey Winchester, wanna suck my dick?"
Dean closed his eyes again as the shouts started up from the football guys up the hall.
"Come on baby, I've always thought those lips looked better made for cock than pussy!"
"I got a nice dick here, faggot, come and put your mouth to work!"
"This explains those legs of yours too, bet you like wrapping 'em around a guy and taking it up the ass!"
Dean spun around and glared towards the football jerks. He knew they hadn't done it but he was tempted to introduce them to his fists anyway. Instead Dean cast his eyes around for the people he knew were responsible. He saw Rosie down a second corridor and ran after her, ignoring the laughter and slurs that followed him. He caught up to her and grabbed her arm. She let out a cry of surprise and then her eyes grew wide with fear when Dean spun her and forced her to look at him.
"What the fuck?" Dean growled.
"Dean! You're hurting me!" Rosie protested when Dean squeezed her arms.
"You fucking told Gordon, didn't you?" he demanded.
"You told Gordon I'm dating a guy! Why else would he have painted fag on my locker, huh?" He shook her, fear and anger overtaking any sense he had not to push around a girl.
Rosie just looked afraid. "I... I told Bela, I never talked to Gordon."
"Fucking-" Dean let out a growl and released Rosie. "Where the fuck is Gordon?"
"Probably at his locker. Dean, wait-"
Dean turned and went back the way he came. He didn't have to go all the way to Gordon's locker though because he came across Crowley heading towards his homeroom and Dean shouted his name before throwing his fist into the pompous dick's face and knocking him down. Dean was on him and hitting every inch of the kid he could find, oblivious to the shouting and screaming of the people around him. At least until two pairs of hands hauled him off Crowley and Gordon landed a kick in his stomach.
Dean struggled against Alastair and Azazel as Gordon laid into him. Dean felt his lip split before he finally got his feet under him and knocked one of the idiots holding him on his ass. He leapt onto Gordon, catching his face with an elbow. Gordon swung his head up and crashed their foreheads together, dazing Dean momentarily, enough to roll them over so Dean was pinned beneath him and he was able to punch him in the side. Dean tried to catch his breath and managed to bring his knee up into Gordon's groin before punching him in the nose and feeling a satisfying crunch under his fist that caused the other boy to howl in pain and roll off him. Alastair and Azazel grabbed him again and Dean noticed Crowley was up, looking furious but before he had the chance to do anything Coach Johnson and Principal Howard were there and separating all of them.
"That is enough!" Howard howled. "What the hell is happening here?"
"This asshole attacked me for no good reason!" Crowley spat, voice slurring because of Dean's attack.
Dean wheezed but threw his arm down towards his locker. "I... have... a reason," he managed to punch out, glowering at his former friends.
Howard ordered all four of them to go and wait outside his office, that he would be having their parents called and speaking to each other them one by one. Dean's stomach tightened. If he was calling John... he would probably tell John what motivated Dean since his father wouldn't be able to be here for the meeting.
Dean swiped a hand over his mouth and it came away smeared with blood. His face, chest, and stomach hurt but he took pride in the way Gordon limped off and Crowley was clutching at his midsection and had a swollen eye as they walked away. Dean glanced around and spotted Sam and Cas staring at him. He averted his eyes quickly and moved painfully towards Howard's office. He was not looking forward to this talk.
Dean sat down gingerly in a chair outside the principal's office, as far away from the others as he could manage and as he sat there and Howard arrived, ordering his secretary to call all of their parents, the reality of the situation finally set in.
They knew he liked guys. Soon the entire town would know and Dean Winchester would just be another cocksucking fairy. Would he even get into college now? Surely this fight would go on his permanent record. Who would want him at their school knowing he liked dick and got into fights? Fear started saturating his thoughts as he sat there for a very long time, for what felt like an eternity. It was probably only a couple of hours but it felt much longer as one by one, a mother or father of one of the others arrived to see Principal Howard.
Dean was alone.
Nobody would defend him since he was just another homo. The others probably wouldn't be punished. After all, they were just dealing with the fag. Dean had nobody to defend him. Nobody who would want to and-"
Dean looked up quickly and his mouth dropped open in surprise when he noticed Lucifer standing in the doorway, looking down at him with a mixture of concern and confusion. Lucifer's eyes darted over to Gordon and Azazel sitting with their fathers. Crowley had been sent to the nurse and Alastair and his mother were currently in the office speaking with the principal.
"Sam called me," Lucifer explained. He dropped into the seat beside Dean. His eyes raked over Dean's face and the hand he had pressed to his side and Lucifer's face grew dark. He glared towards the other boys and their fathers brother straightened up defensively. "What happened, kiddo?"
Dean blinked. "I-" He shut his mouth firmly, partially because talking hurt his lip and also because Lucifer was still mad at him.
"Hey, come on, bud, talk to me." Lucifer shifted closer. He ran a hand through Dean's hair and he was comforted despite himself. "I know we haven't been the best of friends lately but I still care about you, yeah? We're family. Tell me what happened."
"It's my own stupid fault."
Lucifer raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that."
Dean looked at his face. He found none of the resentment that Lucifer had been carrying for him lately. In its place was the old affection Dean had become used to.
"They... uh... graffitied my locker," Dean mumbled. "They... um... they wrote..." He glanced over at the others before leaning closer to Lucifer. He was dressed in a casual suit. He must have been at work but still come anyway when Sam called. That knowledge gave Dean a little boost of courage. "They wrote 'fag' on my locker. They found out I'm bi. So I might have attacked Crowley..."
One of Lucifer's hands clenched into a fist and Dean remembered that Lucifer had once been arrested for assaulting a therapist who upset Cas and he reached over and pressed his own hand over Lucifer's. Lucifer's unclenched hand reached out to gently probe at Dean's side where he was holding it. Dean winced and sucked in a breath so Lucifer pressed again.
"I think it's just bruised," he murmured but his eyes were on the other boys until Dean squeezed his hand and made him look at him.
"I'm okay," Dean promised but he knew he didn't look or sound it and Lucifer saw through the lie.
"I'll kill the little bastards," he whispered.
They looked at each other for a moment.
"I'm sorry, Dean," Lucifer finally whispered, quieter than his threat. "I should never have reacted the way I did."
"You were worried about Cas," Dean shrugged.
"I shouldn't have attacked you. I know you'd never hurt him. I've seen the way you are with him. I was just, I dunno, scared. Scared of my baby brother growing up and me not being able to protect him anymore because he'd be out in the world without me. Don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful that he will be able to do that. He can go to college and live away from us and we were worried he never would. You've helped him, and the rest of us, see how strong an capable he is. So I should have known you would never hurt him and let you guy talk to me and Michael. I'm sorry."
Dean tried to smile but ended up wincing when his lip twinged. Lucifer half smiled and reached into his jacket to pull out a small pack of tissues. He pulled one out and went to the water cooler to dampen it before returning and gently dabbing at Dean's lip.
"I hope you gave as good as you got," Lucifer murmured.
"I tried to. Four on one is just fair enough for fighting me," Dean joked. Lucifer rolled his eyes, he still seemed angry.
"Yo, that your boyfriend Winchester?" Gordon sniped. "Is he the one you bend over for every night?"
"I have seen him around with Dean," Azazel agreed.
Dean closed his eyes and tried to ignore them as they continued, getting more vulgar as they went. Unfortunately Howard's secretary was out of the room at that moment and couldn't stop them.
"Are you going to shut your little shitheads up?" Lucifer snarled suddenly. Dean opened his eyes and found Lucifer glowering towards Gordon and Azazel's fathers.
Before either of them had a chance to respond the office door opened and Alastair and his mother stalked out. She did not look happy but with the glare she cast towards Dean he knew her ire wasn't directed toward her asshole son.
"Mr Winchester, I couldn't get a hold of your father. I've left him a message," Principal Howard announced. His eyes jumped to Lucifer and he frowned. "Mr Novak, I wasn't expecting you. Your brother wasn't involved this time."
"No, luckily for you since these dicks are still in school after what they did to him," Lucifer replied. His voice was steady but Dean shuddered how the cold, clipped way he spoke. Despite the more than two decade age difference it seemed Principal Howard was slightly unnerved as well. "I'm here for Dean."
Lucifer's tone was daring the principal to refuse his presence.
"You aren't his parent or guardian."
"I've spent more time taking care of him in the last five months than his father has in the last five years. If that man isn't going to defend his son's actions then somebody has to. I believe Michael and I are listed as Sam and Dean's emergency contacts along with their uncle Bobby?"
"I... yes, I believe so."
"Good. Then let's get this over with so I can get Dean home and cleaned up. He's in a bit of pain if you hadn't noticed." Lucifer quirked an eyebrow and withdrew a his cell phone carefully. "I can call my Uncle Inias, if you would prefer? I'm sure he'd be interested to know that the boys you claimed would never cause trouble again are in fact, causing trouble again. He's very good at suing people."
Howard looked nervous and so did the fathers of the two boys opposite.
Howard sighed. "I suppose since Dean isn't a minor, if he consents-"
"I do. Lucifer can come in." Dean stood up carefully and Lucifer joined him, pocketing his phone and pressed his hand to Dean's back. He glared once more at the others before they were closed into the principal's office.
Howard lectured Dean sternly about 'healthy expressions of anger' and 'physical violence won't solve your problems'. Dean managed to endure it and hold his tongue until Howard asked him, "what did you expect would happen when people found out?"
"This is somehow my fault?" Dean demanded. "Being bi somehow gives them the right to vandalise my locker and call me names?"
"I didn't say that."
"But you did," Lucifer responded. "I'm sorry but are you suggesting that anybody who doesn't identify as a cisgender heterosexual is somehow expected to endure derogatory comments and bullying? And that's leaving aside the fact that these boys outed somebody, something that has caused teens to commit suicide. Is this why they weren't kicked out when they physical assaulted my brother? Do you really believe anybody outside your little conservative definition of normal should be subject to ridicule and violence?"
"Mr Novak, you're twisting my words and-"
"Am I?" Lucifer snapped. "Dean has the right to a safe school environment. Please inform Dean of his punishment so we can leave. You'll be hearing from my uncle and we will be contacting the school board."
Principal Howard gave Lucifer a dark look but chose not to reply to his threat. Dean wondered if he was scared of Lucifer right now or scared of giving him anything more to build a case against him. Dean glanced at Lucifer. He was almost awed at Lucifer's defence of him. He couldn't be happier that he had someone in his corner right now and that that someone was Lucifer, a man who refused to take anybody's crap.
"You and the other four boys have been allocated one week's suspension to be served after the winter break," Principal Howard informed Dean. "After that you will have sessions with the school counsellor to deal with your anger issues. And before you say anything Mr Novak, the other boys are sitting sessions with the counsellor as well."
"They should all be kicked out," Lucifer muttered but he nodded. "Fine. Dean, let's go home."
Dean stood up and left with Lucifer, refusing to even glance at Gordon and Azazel as he left. Unfortunately they ran into Crowley and his mother, a woman Dean had always found intimidating. Nothing was said but Dean saw the looks they both directed at him while the four of them stood there, tension crackling.
"Dean," Lucifer murmured, without taking his eyes off Crowley. Dean noticed a tiny smirk playing about Lucifer's mouth and his eyes sparked with a bit of pride. He ushered Dean along but not fast enough for Dean to miss the 'faggot' Crowley disguised poorly with a cough.
Dean grit his teeth but let Lucifer lead him out of the school.
"We'll get the suspension taken off your record," Lucifer promised. "Somehow. You shouldn't even be punished."
"I beat someone up, two someone's actually," Dean replied.
With an eye-roll Dean leant into Lucifer's side. He meant well and Dean was grateful for his support.
"Thank you, Luce," he murmured.
"Any time, kiddo. Are you right to drive?"
"Um... yeah." Dean dug in his pocket for his keys. "You should go back to work. I'll go home, put some ice on my ribs and wallow for a little while."
A crease appeared between Lucifer's eyebrows. "Are you sure you should be alone right now? I mean, what just happened..."
"I'm fine." Dean winced when the lie sounded clear to his own ears and Lucifer was not convinced. Regardless, Lucifer needed to get back to work so he simply gave Dean a stern look that he understood to mean Lucifer and Michael would be checking up on him later. Dean waited until Lucifer drove off before getting into the Impala. He tried to put the key in the ignition and kept missing. He couldn't understand why until he looked down and found his hands trembling so hard that the key kept darting away from the ignition.
"Dammit!" Dean swore and thumped his palms down hard on the steering wheel.
He felt cold inside. He felt like his stomach was turning inside out and he just wanted to go home where he could pretend none of this had happened.
He took several long, deep breaths and finally managed to get his baby started. He drove home carefully because his hands were still trembling no matter how hard he gripped the wheel. He parked in the driveway and stumbled into his house. He barely made it to the couch before he was collapsing in on himself. He ignored the pain in his side as he curled into a ball and all the fear and pain and humiliation came crawling out of his stomach. He hated the tears that burnt his eyes on their escape down his face, he hated the catch in his breaths, he hated the hiccups as he tried to keep any sound in, and he especially hated the low sobs that managed to escape when he couldn't hold them back any longer.
He didn't know how long he cried for. How long he let the hurt and the fear eat away at him. He kept imagining what it would be like to go back to school. He would hear more of those crude taunts. He wondered how long it would be before the football team decided to corner him and beat him within an inch of his life just for being in the same change rooms as them. He wondered how many of his old flings would look at him with disgust because now they knew he liked guys.
He wondered what Bobby would say when he found out.
And oh God, John would get that message and he would call the school back. He'd know.
Dean had no idea what fear felt like until the second he realised the fact that John would know.
He stumbled to the bathroom to heave his breakfast into the toilet before curling up on the tiles and crying for another long stretch of time.
He must have fallen asleep because he woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing on the tiles and when he picked it up he had dozens of texts and missed calls from everyone. He deleted the ones not from his family and focused on the important names.
Michael, Lucifer, Gabriel, and Anna.
Ellen, Jo, and Ash.
They were all trying to contact him. Dean was still afraid of anything they had to say.
It was mid afternoon now so he'd slept for a while. He wasn't sure how long because he couldn't remember how long he'd just cried.
His phone vibrated again and Jo's name flashed on the screen so he answered.
"Finally!" she huffed. "We've been trying to reach you all day?"
"Sorry," Dean croaked and god, his voice sounded like he'd been swallowing sandpaper.
"You sound awful."
"I feel awful." Dean sat up and gasped when his side pulled painfully. He was supposed to ice his bruised ribs. He picked himself up off the floor to take care of his body.
"The janitor cleaned your locker up but... it's all anybody's talking about," Jo whispered. Dean closed his eyes against the wave of nausea that filled him with that knowledge. His stomach was still twisting itself into knots.
"Is Cas okay?" Dean asked.
"He was worried about you," Jo replied. "He wanted to go home but Lucifer called Gabriel and said to stay put, that you needed time."
"No, Jo, I mean..." Dean clenched his hand around the handle of the freezer door. The flood of cold fear was back. More than his own worry over what he was facing, he was just scared for Cas. Dean could take whatever they threw at him, he was sure of it. He was strong, he could force himself to accept it all. After all, he was going to be out of here in a few months, he could grit his teeth and death glare his way out of it. But Cas... Cas had so much trouble dealing with people when they just looked at him weirdly, how would he cope with having that kind of attention on him all the time alongside what he already copped?
"Jo, has anybody been hissing 'fag' at him because I swear to god-"
"No, they haven't. Dean, I don't think anybody knows it's him."
"What?" Dean leant on the fridge. "What do you mean they don't know? Rosie heard us-"
"We never said who we were talking about. I guess she didn't make the connection. She probably would never have guessed because Cas is special needs, you know. It's awful, but I think for once the stigma of whether or not he's capable of dating is actually saving him here. Nobody thinks it's him, not from what I've heard anyway. He's safe."
Dean felt a few more tears leak out from under his eyelids. He didn't realise he had any more to cry.
"Oh god..." He sank onto the floor. "Alright. Okay. That's good..."
"Dean... do you want me to come over? Do you want any of us to come over? We're worried about you."
Dean breathed deeply for a little while. "No, I'm um... I'd rather just be alone. Uh, but tell Cas I won't be making our date. I'm just... I'm not up for it."
Jo made a sad sound. "Okay, I'll do that. Dean... please be okay. We love you. Also, call Bobby and Mum back please, they're worried about you."
Dean bit his lip. "How do they know?"
"They don't. We texted them and told them something had happened but we thought you might want to be the one to tell them, especially before it spreads too far around town. You know how Mrs McLeod is, she's such a bitch and shit stirrer, she won't be happy you beat up Crowley and got him suspended so she'll be running her mouth everywhere."
"Bobby's probably already heard then. He won't want anything to do with me."
Dean couldn't figure out how to make his body follow his commands so he decided to stay slumped between the fridge and cupboards.
"Dean, stop that! Bobby loves you. Call him back. Now. And I love you, too. That's not going to change. We got your back, okay? I know this is hard but-"
"Jo, please stop."
"I'm trying to be supportive."
"I'm not... I don't want to talk about it." Dean wanted to sound angry but even he could tell he just sounded tired. "It's... it's done, okay? There's nothing more to say."
He hung up before Jo could protest and slid his phone away so he couldn't reach it when it inevitably began buzzing again.
He migrated back to the couch, with an ice pack this time. He managed to avoid the desire to drink, remembering the way Lucifer and Gabriel looked when they worried about Michael drinking. Michael didn't want to turn into his parents. Dean didn't want to turn into his father either. So he didn't pick up a bottle even though he desperately didn't want to feel a damn thing.
Later he heard a car and then footsteps on the path up to the front porch. It was past dinner time but Dean had yet to eat. His stomach was refusing to cooperate. Sam at least had the chance to eat with the Novaks.
Dean felt a pang when he realise he should have been having his date with Cas at this time. He curled back in on himself.
At least Cas was safe, he kept telling himself. Dean could keep him safe. He would keep him safe. He had considered breaking up with Cas but threw the idea away. Dean wouldn't let them win. Cas needed him, and Dean needed Cas too. He wasn't going to let anybody ruin that for any reason. Not even himself. His fear had almost destroyed this precious thing between them once before, he wouldn't let it happen again.
Dean hard the front door open and Sam's footsteps. The living room light flicked on and Dean raised his head, looking towards the doorway where Sam was standing.
It only took a few seconds of taking in his face before Dean's pity party made an abrupt end. He squashed down everything, absolutely everything, and focused only on his little brother's tear stained face.
"Sammy? What is it? What happened?" Dean demanded, sitting up too fast and wincing in pain.
Sam sniffled and rubbed a hand under his eye. He looked pathetic and pupppyish with his wide teary eyes but mostly he looked sad and it broke Dean's heart.
"Sam? Come on, I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong."
"It's nothing. Stupid. Not after your day."
Dean sighed and raised an arm. "Come here. Tell me. Now."
"It's... It's Gabe."
Dean's heart sank. Oh. Now he remembered. Sam had given Gabriel a Valentine. Gabriel would never consent to date Sam because their ages made everything weird and claimed he didn't feel the same. Dean didn't believe him but it was up to Gabriel, and he couldn't say he was upset exactly over the fact that he didn't have to worry about his very young brother dating an adult who was going to college soon.
"He told me..." Sam let out a little sob and he came across the room to drop onto the couch and snuggle into Dean's side. He fitted his head under Dean's chin and clutched his shirt the way he used to when he was five and had nightmares. "He told me it was just a crush and it would go away. That he didn't like me back."
"Oh, Sammy," Dean sighed, squeezing him. "I'm sorry."
"Why doesn't he like me, Dean? I thought we had fun together."
Dean shushed Sam half heartedly as he cried softly and rambled about why Gabe probably didn't like him.
"None of that's true, Sammy. Gabe adores you, but just as a little brother," Dean chided. "He thinks you're amazing. But that doesn't mean he wants to date you."
Sam hiccupped. "He talked about me?"
"All the time. He knew you had a crush on him, you know. But he wasn't going to say anything unless you did. He didn't want to hurt your feelings, because he cares about you."
"But not enough." Sam sounded very upset and Dean wanted to make it better but he didn't know how. He didn't know how to fix anything right now.
"Do you think it's because I'm, you know, a virgin?" Sam asked between sniffles.
"What? Sammy! No!" Dean protested. "Gabe isn't like that!"
"But he's like you. Has a lot of hook ups."
"What?" Dean thought back trying to figure out if he and Gabe had ever talked about anything like that. He knows they've both mentioned it every now and again.
"I've heard him and Ash talking about it," Sam shrugged. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at Dean. "So, it's probably because I'm a virgin."
"Sam, no." Dean shook his head. "One, that is so illegal, you're thirteen, Gabe would never. Also, I'm pretty sure it's because you're a kid and we're practically family to them."
"But you and Cas-"
"Cas is almost sixteen, I'm eighteen. That's only two years, not four. Also, Cas and I... it's different."
"Oh..." Sam frowned. "You're right. That's so stupid. I'm so stupid. That's probably why he doesn't want me."
"Jeez, Sam." Dean smiled a little. "Stop being hard on yourself. I know this hurts but it's nothing you did, there's nothing wrong with you. Gabe loves you, just as family though. Okay?"
Sam sighed. "Okay... Do... do you think he'll still want to be my friend? He's my best friend you know."
"Yeah I know. And of course he will. You go and talk to him when you've calmed down a little. You'll see."
Sam nodded glumly and Dean hugged him tight again. It seemed they were both in need of some serious TLC during the weekend. Dean decided then and there that they would have a Winchester Weekend. Just the two of them and maybe go to see Bobby so Dean could come out to him before anybody could start spreading bad rumours about him that Bobby had to hear.
Sam seemed to like the idea and they started that night with a bad horror marathon and lots of ice cream.
The plan seemed like a perfect idea until they heard the sound of a car in the drive on Saturday morning as Dean cooked breakfast. They both froze, listening to the sound of someone walking up to the porch and then across the wood. Dean's heart began racing and his palms began swearing as he heard a key in the door and it swing open.
"Boys?" John called. "Are you in here?"
Coming up: Dean comes out to John and the aftermath; also who does everyone think Dean is dating?