Since this is my private book, it doesn't matter if I'm not nice. I can say whatever I feel like. I won't bother being polite. I just need to get things out of my system. As such, I'm going to write what I truly think about people, none of whom I'd dare tell.
Kurenai- She's so sweet and beautiful and talented. She makes me sick with envy.
Asuma- He's definitely improved, I have to at least give him credit for that. He used to be so hot-headed and smug. It was really irritating.
Kakashi- A hypocrite with no respect for others. Horribly rude!
Gai- He's so goofy-looking! I have to bite my tongue not to laugh at him.
Ibiki- Treats me like a child. I hate it!
Genma- Bossy as hell. Always telling everyone what to do.
Hayate- All talk, no action till the last possible second. I'm sure that's how he got himself killed. Poor son of a bitch.
Aoba- How can anyone be that stupid? I'm surprised he hasn't drowned in the rain.
Raido- Pretty worthless. Never does much of anything.
Kotetsu- He and his buddy run their mouths about things they don't understand. Sometimes, I just want to choke the life out of them.
Izumo- See above. Just because there are two of them, it doesn't mean I have to write it twice.
Ebisu- I do believe that man has a rod up his arse.
Iruka- Why is he so nice? Doesn't he realise he looks like a grinning idiot?
Shizune- A meddlesome busybody.
Jiraiya- What a sicko! He'd shave a cat just to see it naked.
Third Hokage- As nice as he was, he always looked at me with suspicion. I think he could see right through me.
Fourth Hokage- Thinking about him depresses me.
Fifth Hokage- Lazy. Very lazy. That office should require much more discipline.
Orochimaru- I've never loved anyone else. I will never love anyone else. My heart remains his entirely.
I can't stomach the idea of another man touching me. How could they ever compare to living perfection? They'd only mar the memories I have of our times together. His shadow is where I remain and I don't want anyone else invading that sanctuary.
Most everyone in the Leaf goes out of their way to be nice to me, but I keep on resenting them. That's the kind of nasty, spiteful person I am. I know they're good people, but I look at them like another species.
I think they are a different species from me. They're humans, but I am a serpent. As many times as I shed my skin, I'm still a serpent underneath. He's the same. We all belong with our own kind, but snakes tend to cannibalise each other. To be blunt, it can never be. No happy endings here.
It rips me apart to admit that. I'm so selfish! I'm just as bad as anyone else. I'm an immature, lying virago. How do they all put up with me?
I'm a hateful, little thing. Too hateful to be truly good, but not hateful enough to be his. Or is that a delusion? Maybe I am hateful enough. Now.
I can accept that he's this cruel monster. Honestly, it doesn't change how I feel about him. The problem is with me being like that. I don't want to be evil. If I were with him still, could I help being corrupted?
Sometimes I wish he would destroy this village. Then I could go to him. If there were nothing left here, I'd be free to belong to him.
It's terrible to think these things. This village is my home and these people are my friends. Yet I can't help but secretly despise them for coming in between Orochimaru and myself. If only I could completely sever my ties to the village. I would go to him. God, I would run straight into his arms.
Would he take me back? Would he still love me? Did he ever love me? If I knew for certain that he loves me and wants me to be with him, I would go to him this very instant and never look back.
I remember when I fell in love with him. I mean, I always loved him, but there was that night when I looked at him and it was no longer a childhood fancy. I was about eleven, I think. Maybe ten.
He had just cleared a battlefield of enemies and I had his back. When they were all finally eliminated, he stood several feet in front of me, beside one of his man-sized snakes. His hair was unctuous with sweat and blood as it flapped about in the breeze. Putting his blades back in their scabbards, he sighed his relief. The moonlight made his kimono shimmer and his skin glow. He looked over his shoulder at me - that's when it happened.
At that instant, everything changed. My body awakened. I was no longer larval, but nor was I pupal. At least, not completely. I was a ripe woman driven by want, need, hunger for this man; my sensei. It wasn't merely lust. It was also the longing to be closer to him and to please him every waking hour of my existence. Gone were the silly dreams of marrying him when I grew up. Instead, I wanted to be possessed by him as a slave to his desires. Those eyes of his had conquered me and bound me to him.
A few nights ago, I was out at Shushuya with Kurenai and Asuma and a few other friends. Izumo and Kotetsu were there, too. I wouldn't say I'm close to them, but I've known them for a long time. They're the same age as me and all. Anyway, a few of them started talking about Orochimaru. Hearing the name caused my ears to prick up, but I managed not to turn my head.
It was a slightly large group and had splintered, so I wasn't initially part of that conversation. I was listening to Kurenai and Asuma talk about their students, but managed to catch most of what those chunin were saying, even before they dragged me into it. And I'd been having such a nice evening up until then. Go figure.
Kotetsu was the first to offer up an opinion in his oddly breezy voice. "That guy always gave me the creeps. The way he would look at people and lick his lips with that freaky tongue."
"People? You mean young boys," Izumo replied. As my head was down, I don't think he noticed me roll my eyes.
"No, I mean boys and girls. He definitely likes both. Everyone knows he had a thing with the Fifth Hokage back when they were still wet behind the ears." Even if Kotetsu wasn't technically wrong here, he still had no business saying it. "But yeah, he prefers them young. God knows what he's doing to that Uchiha boy as we speak."
I was already cringing at this point. Idiots and their stupid assumptions. Refraining from looking down the table at them was laborious. My jaw muscles cramped up from clenching my teeth so hard.
Aoba started to interject. "No, don't be silly. Even someone as evil as Orochimaru wouldn't actually do something like that. Besides, I can't picture him being sexual at all." But for the last part, that's the most intelligent thing Aoba's ever said.
"Oh, no, I'm sure he does it. With boys and girls. He's even worse than Jiraiya-sama, and you know how much of a pervert that guy is!" Kotetsu was just angling for a punch in the nose with all this crap coming out of his mouth.
"Anko was his apprentice. Let's ask her," Izumo suggested. He raised his voice to get my attention, and by doing so, everyone else's attention. "Hey, Anko! When Orochimaru was your sensei, did he ever, you know, try anything?"
"Excuse me?" I asked, feigning shock as I looked up from my tea. How pleasant it is to be asked embarrassing, personal questions in a public place.
"Did he ever try to touch you?" Mercifully, Izumo had lowered his tone back down. I'm sure it was due to his own embarrassment at such words, rather than mine. "You know what I mean? Did he ever do anything sexual to you?"
As he asked me that, all the images flashed through my mind. Every kiss, every naked caress, every time Orochimaru made love to me came flooding back. My cheeks burned. It was the absolute worst situation for me to end up hot and bothered during.
"Why don't you shut your filthy mouth, you bastard!" I snapped. Hopefully, the angered reaction was enough to cover up any outward signs of my arousal.
He went on, trying to sound polite, but still looking for an answer. "Relax, Anko-san. No one's accusing you of doing something wrong. I mean, if he forced himself on you, you're the victim."
Before I could stop myself, I rose from my seat and my hands balled into fists. "You don't know him! You don't know anything, so stop pretending to understand! You're sick to even suggest that!"
Kotetsu let out a derisive laugh. "You're awfully defensive for someone who claims nothing happened. Pretty suspicious, if you ask me."
I finally exploded. My right hand uncurled and went flying. It landed across Kotetsu's face with a loud slap.
"What was that for? Sheesh, Anko! You've really lost it. Get a grip!" He glared at me as he rubbed the hand print on his cheek.
"Hmph! Just be glad he isn't here catch your slander. He'd cut you open," I spat. After that, I promptly stormed out. I just could not take it any longer. I wanted to go home.
Kurenai followed and tried to get me to come back, promising to make them apologise. I told her not to bother, that I needed some time alone. I said I'd see her around and took my leave. She still seemed worried, but didn't press the issue further.
Even if it is technically true, he never made me do anything I didn't want and enjoy. What we had was special. It was love! To me, at least. It's beyond their comprehension, that I can say. The secret closeness Orochimaru and I shared was something so sublime, those dimwits can only dream of experiencing a passion like that. And for all their attempts at discreet, lovey-dovey fluff, Kurenai and Asuma can't even begin to come close to us. I was his and he let me in.
And I don't buy those insinuations about that Uchiha Sasuke kid. They don't know Orochimaru the way I do. There were things he told me - things he never told anyone else. I'm sure of it! Maybe Orochimaru wishes me to be jealous of Uchiha, but that doesn't mean there is anything between them. He could never want someone as disrespectful as that child. Orochimaru is only aroused by those who worship him. I know what that man likes and it's not arrogant brats.
Orochimaru told me I was precious to him. He said he needed me to make him stronger. I was to help him become immortal. Then I would remain beside him for eternity. He would give me eternity! Forever his, I would never have to mourn him. I would never be alone again. And yet, I am. And it's my own fault. I did this to him. I let go of the ultimate being, my living god. What right have I? If I weren't such a coward, I would find him and prostrate myself naked before him. Maybe he would pity me enough to let me kiss his feet.
Damn it! Why does it have to be this way? Why must I be haunted by memories of what I have lost? If he were here or if I were with him - No, I've got to stop torturing myself with these hopeless dreams!
Sensei, you may be evil, but you were tender with me in private. I felt loved by you, even if you never used those exact words. And you have possession of me, still. For the life of me, I can't get myself to fall out of love with you.