Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Summary: "Even the thoughtof not seeing Shizu-chan hurts." blind!Izaya Shizaya.


Chapter Four

It's the second time they went out for a meaningless walk and this time, Izaya was too tired to refuse Shizuo's pitiful invitation. They were sitting on a park bench and Izaya was holding a styrofoam cup of coffee, earlier handed by the brute. Idly taking a sip from his coffee, he purposely left the lid on it to seal in and preserve the heat so he could drink it slowly like he always did. He knew that he probably looked like a wreck; bloodshot eyes from the lack of sleep and ragged in appearance. But that was what happened because he did not know anymore.

Izaya did not know what exactly he was supposed to be feeling – what proper reaction he should have to this kind of situation because he didn't feel anything. He was not angry or mocking, he was not depressed or cynical. He wasn't feeling anything in particular besides the small ache in his chest, and he was sitting there in every sense of melancholy. He was just numb.

"You never answered me." Izaya growled a little to himself as he cringed at how soft his voice was. He felt a knot build and tighten in his chest, his own words struck him a little too hard as he leaned back on the bench to mull his words over. He barely registered the way silence continued to reign over them and he thought that Shizuo might not bother replying back. After all, they didn't really have any conversations, often opting more to walk and sit in silence.

"About what?" The blond grunted back in response and Izaya emitted a small sigh as he tightened his hold on the cooling cup of coffee. All the while feeling the burn in his chest tightened its ugly hold around his heart.

"Why you're here."

The informant wondered what Shizuo was going to say in response. It's so expected – so natural, and he anticipated that the other would list off insults and reasons why Izaya should suffer and burn in hell. And he was hoping that it would be the case because Shizuo's shouted threats echoed in his head over and over in a way that drove him to dance with insanity.

"I told you, I don't know." Shizuo repeated as though he didn't hear him clearly the first time. Izaya barely slept three hours last night, and his tolerance was boiling away into apathy and agitation. He had about a collective of three hours of sleep ranged over the past three days and he never felt so tired and annoyed in his life.

If only to push the atmosphere to something more comfortably familiar, he would give anything to hear Shizuo roaring out his name in the monster's homicidal extremes. He just wanted things to go back to the way it was, even if he'd never be able to look at his adversary again.

"Shizuo, you hate me."

"Yeah, I do."

Things fall quiet once more and Izaya couldn't bring himself to care enough about how much time had passed. He was not even aware of what he's doing but his chest ached and he's flooded with so much fucking sadness that he's not even sure what to do with himself. The agony inside is so intense and painful that it almost felt physical. He was too tired and he hadn't slept and all he wanted to was to be back in his apartment and rest.

"I…I didn't think you would come back." And despite the softness of his tone, Izaya knew that he sounded raw and pained. The former informant wanted to laugh because he couldn't help thinking that not only did he look, but he also sounded completely and utterly pathetic.

A miniscule smile made its way to his lips as Izaya contemplatively waited for Shizuo's response – wishing, wanting – vaguely wondering how desaturated the city looked like. His eyes stung sharply and he chalked it up to not blinking enough and there was a lump in his throat that he had to swallow around. His head wasn't the only thing that hurt, but his chest as well. It seemed there was a black hole – wide, gaping, and sucking away everything until there was nothing left but raw ache.


Izaya raised his head at the sound of his name spoken to eloquently – so sorrowful. His jaw clenched tightly and Shizuo's voice was so fucking heartbreaking. Izaya was getting ready to spit out an insult due to how disgusted he felt about Shizuo calling him that way. But he couldn't articulate his thoughts anymore and his own grief threatened to choke his words off. There was pressure behind his ears, pushing down against the sides of his jaw at the way he was holding it all in.

"No one will think less of you if you cry."

The cold coffee hit the pavement and Izaya threaded his fingers through his hair in irritation. This was all going too far and he was not sure just how much he could handle. He considered bolting from the bench, just like that, but instead he found himself sitting rigidly, not moving an inch away from the man hurting him in more ways than one.

"You…bastard," Izaya started, he felt hurt by the debt collector's words, though he couldn't fathom why. His words felt misplaced – there were so many things that he wanted to say – he wanted to yell, scream, and slice the man to bloody pieces. But the pain inside of him held him back. Izaya fucking hated everything because he was so desperate for consolation for the grief he bore and he's clinging sharply and seeking refuge in the simplicity of Shizuo's inclination.

He shook his head and let out a short exhale that sounded something like a combination of an exasperated sigh and a curt mocking laugh. His eyes were starting to prickle again but he swallowed and held everything back as a full blown ache settled deep under his twisting insides. Yet, he couldn't let his turmoil show.

"What do you want me to say to that?" Izaya distantly murmured and his voice was rough as though it has been unused. And the more he talked, the more energy it was burning up with his fatigued and pained state. He was barely holding himself together – he wanted to get mad. For once in his life, he wanted to lose control and feel unadulterated madness drown his senses. It didn't happen, however. All he was left with is a hollow void that gushes and arduous ache that left him feeling desolately hopeless.

Izaya received no answer and the silence was screaming at him, the pain within it was too much for him to handle – he couldn't take this, not right now. As pathetic as it might be, he was not strong enough to deal with all of this. It was all too much at once. He felt absolutely desolate and he was not sure just exactly how he was supposed to accept this sort of reality.

"I don't know what you want from me." The raven-haired man settled on saying once again as he dropped his arms to his side, stance indicating a true desperation. He was desperately waiting for the other to speak – despite not knowing what he wanted Shizuo to say.

"Neither do I."

Izaya broke then, for just a mere moment as he let his frustration show in a form of a hysterical laugh that in no way displayed happiness. Regardless, he remained still because it was still too much. Ignoring Shizuo's answer altogether, Izaya asked once again, his tone low.

"What do you want, Shizuo."

"I don't want you blind."


A/N: Thank you for reading and for the responses.

Also, someone sent me a message saying that the first two chapters progressions seemed too fast. So, in case many of you are thinking of it that way, please allow me to explain. Originally, I was planning for this story to stretch up to four chapters only hence the fast progression. However, in the process of writing the third chapter, I read some informative articles regarding the topic of blindness and I was so perplexed about the facts I was unaware of. Because of that, I was forced to reconstruct the whole story plot, making it longer than what I had intended. I couldn't take down the first two chapters though since many of you have read that already. With this, I apologize for the sudden change of pace.