Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE!


Rin, Shirou and Gilgamesh.

Rin cleared her throat. "... Well. As you see, Emiya-kun, there is an easy way for a complete neophyte like you to recharge Archer's mana."

"Oh, yeah? Well, what is it?"

"Have sex with him."

"Bwah?"

Rin's fingers twiddled together. "O-Of course, since you surely are a neophyte at that as well, I... I'll be lending you assistance... N-Not like I'm experienced in that area either, but being a person with common sense, I... I can..."

She now was looking over Shirou's shoulder and slightly drooling out a corner of her mouth.

Shirou looked back and was nearly blinded by the golden magnificence of the golden treasure Archer displayed now.

"GAH!" he shouted. "What the hell, Archer! That thing freaking GLOWS!"

The Servant sneered at him. "Lad. Turn around and bend over."

"Bwehhh?"

"Well, what were you expecting? Foolish boy! The King of Heroes bottoms for no one!"

Shirou whimpered.


Rin, Shirou and Heracles.

"Well, as you can see, there is a very easy way for even someone like you to recharge Berserker's mana, Shirou-kun, " Tohsaka lectured. "All you have to do is—"

Berserker chose that moment to growl, "GRRWWWRRRR!-!-!"

Rin's face twitched for a moment before she turned around on her heels and walked away briskly. "On second thought, fuck this Grail War."


Rin, Shirou and Zero Sense Lancer.

"Well, Emiya-kun, " Tohsaka said. "Luckily for you and Lancer, there is an easy way for you to recharge his mana even without any—"

"Mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away..." Lancer was breathing in and out of a paper bag.

Shirou looked at him. "Lancer? Hey, what's wrong with you now? A second before, you weren't even scared of being at death's door..."

Rin explained.

Shirou snatched the paper bag from Lancer's hands. "You Master takes priority, " he said before starting breathing in and out of it.


Rin, Shirou, and Matou Shinji.

Ah, ha ha ha ha... NO.


Rin, Shirou, and Frankenstein's Monster.

"So it's the only way you can recharge Berserker's mana, " Tohsaka said. "You aren't a competent magus at all, and there's no time to make you into one before she disappears."

Shirou hesitated, taking a look at the prone Berserker, who nodded weak and shyly just once. He could swear he saw a blush behind the thick bangs of red hair obscuring her face. "... Fine. I'll do it, " he relented.

Rin rasped. "Of, of course, I'll be assisting you since, ah... I'm sure you won't be able to lend enough man on your own..."

But right at the middle of the session, while Rin rubbed herself against the Servant, Berserker fell apart.

Shirou gave Tohsaka a bewildered, no, terrified stare.

"W-WHAT?-!" Rin cried. "I have told you I'm horrible with technology!"

"Th-That's stretching the term too much!" he protested.


Rin, Shirou and Tokiomi.

Shirou kept staring at the ceiling, in the chilling calm that now reigned in the bedroom.

"I can't believe THIS was your Wish for the Grail..." he finally told the girl.

Father and daughter shared cigarettes and grunted at him in unison.


Rin, Shirou and Ryuunosuke.

He towered over the two last kidnapped children, who tried their best to still look brave but couldn't help being terrified. "Ah, and the best for the end, " the young man said. "You know, guys, I'm so impressed by your bravery and, well, guts, I'm thinking maybe I should give you a... special treatment... before..."

He stopped and ran a hand over his face. "... No. I fucking can't do this."

"What are you saying?" the Director asked.

Ryuunosuke turned back to him. "I'm saying I'm fucking not doing this! Look, I'm a killer, I play a killer, and I'm damn good at it, but seriously, dude, I still have to sleep at nights! I'm not doing this! I couldn't live with myself after... this!"

The Director frowned. "What's your fucking problem this time, Mr. Cool? Did you forget your pills again?"

"Don't call me Mr. Cool! My friends call me Mr. Cool!" he seethed. "Listen, man, if I do... this, I'll never be able to look at my mother's face again! Or my father's! Or my sister's!"

"You killed your sister!" the Director reminded him.

"I still see her at times!" Uryuu said. "I say I'm not crossing this limit, and I'm not doing it! I have to keep at least one thing keeping me a fucking human being!"

"Uryuu-kun, pal, we're doing this for the art, remember..."

"Hell no!" Ryuunosuke shouted. "It started as a work of art! It started as thought provoking harsh and provocative comment on the darkness of society and the human soul! It began as biting comment on the dark and gritty shit! But you know what, OM? It became the same shit we're supposed to look down at! It became more than evil! More than wrong! It became gratuitous! And I don't do gratuitous!"

All around the set, the crew and actors all stared in shock. All but Iskandar, who was nodding quiet and sagely.

"Look at what we're doing, man!" Uryuu waved his copy of the script. "We became shock value! Vulgarity for the sake of tired comedy and titillation! It... It lost any point, dude! I'm not doing this anymore, " he sighed.

He turned around and began walking away. "Let's go, Caster."

Bluebeard looked up from the Joan D'Arc gatefold he had been looking at. "Huh? What do you mean, Ryuunosuke?"

"I meant we're fucking gone, man, " he replied through gritted teeth. "You read me?"

Caster sighed and stood up. "Very well, " and he bowed for the crew and cast. "Ladies, gentlemen, it's been a pleasure..."

"CASTER!" Ryuunosuke called.

"I'm going, I'm going..." the Servant hurried after him, and then they were gone, leaving the Director behind seething in fury.

Slowly, Iskandar began clapping. And then Waver. And Sola Ui. And Diarmuid. And Kayneth. And Kiritsugu. And Irisviel...

"QUIET, YOU ALL!" Director OM foamed at the mouth. "Or I'll replace you with the Extra cast!"

Chibi Rin lit a cigarette up and offered Chibi Shirou another. "Adults are such pussies, aren't they?"

Chibi Shirou accepted the coffin nail. "This series', at least, yeah. I know Negi-kun never has any problems to get tail..."


Rin, Shirou and Nero.

At first, it had been downright confusing. Tohsaka and him had appeared in the middle of a strange academy, and soon it was evident they were in another Grail War, but this time, with even more people fated to die. Far more people. Of course, he wouldn't allow that.

Then it became shocking, even disgusting. Rin had gotten Cu Chulainn, which was fair enough, even if this Lancer didn't seem to have any knowledge of her at all. But Shirou had gotten himself a Saber. That would have been bad enough on itself, but to add to the pain, the Saber was so reminiscent of Arturia in looks, yet so different in personality, Shirou was sure that Moon Cell was only playing a cruel prank on him. He raged at that mockery of his precious time with her, and while the fights went on, he couldn't do battle with a clear mind. Even as the Saber grew to try and earn his respect, and even affection, he couldn't look at her without seeing Arturia. And the pain was unbearable.

Rin fought another Rin. She lost Lancer, and gained another Lancer, an annoying girl with horns and tails who was actually... Shirou prefered not thinking about that. They had faced a Matou Shinji who wasn't Matou Shinji. They even had found several different Sakuras, only adding to Shirou's inner turmoil.

Saber remained always at their side.

And then, after everything was done, when he faced deletion from existence itself, and he doubted there would remain enough of him to see Arturia again, he also found himself aching for losing Nero.

Then the world seemed to reshape itself, and he was there standing with Tohsaka before a majestic wedding chapel, under a clear blue sky.

Saber stood before them in full bride regalia, smiling at them.

But it wasn't his Saber.

It was his other Saber.

She extended her hands towards them. "The Moon Cell has decided to reward us, Praetors. Your courage, your bravery, has earned you a place here, forever. I was... I was hoping you would share this place with me. You would happen to remember I told you of how my dream was to be your bride...?"

And while his heart ached for that other woman lost in the mists of time, he still couldn't help reaching for that small hand and taking it. And he smiled at her.

He felt pain, just as much he felt joy.

As they were pulled into the church, Tohsaka asked, "Just a question. Why am I dressed like a groom, too?"


Rin, Shirou and Kirei.

It was amusing, in a way, how the ways of the Lord worked.

Kotomine Kirei had found, through the failure of his plans before the youngsters became aware of them, it wasn't actually necessary to end the world to find satisfaction. The small evils of every day, the small and subtle misdeeds adding to a greater whole, were not only more ironically rewarding in the long run, but also more intelectually challenging. Now, the boy was still to naive to realize anything with ease, but Tokiomi's daughter would always keep him on his guard. And soon he came to appreciate the ongoing challenge. Machinating behind her back while sharing her bed, proving to be smarter than her, that was certainly a delightful thing to experience. For the first time, Kirei knew actual domestic bliss.

He groomed Kiritsugu's adopted son into a hero while also moving the strings for his ultimate failure. Oh, sure, he would allow him the victories Shirou needed to not falter on his quest, but that was a necessary part of the full picture. For every victory, Kirei would orchestrate a later defeat. That was, he reasoned, ultimately good for Shirou too. A hero needed adversity to overcome. As Kirei made him miserable, he also made him better, stronger. It was an amusing duality, but Kirei found the balance pleasurable enough.

They saw the world going slowly darker and colder, and Kirei told himself it was better that way. Savoring the world's blights one by one was ultimately better than consuming everything into a final sin of genocide, and it allowed him to smooth his conscience down with those excuses we make to prevent going insane. After all, he was part of the heroic trio that traveled the world. He was good and evil at once, and he was the best at being both. It wasn't a perfect solution for his cravings, but he came to be sure he wouldn't find a better one.

Tohsaka had a son with the boy and a daughter with him. He found, much to the relief of a part of him, he had no interest on causing the children pain, much like he hadn't been interested on making his first daughter suffer. Instead, he only felt indifference for them, as well. He supposed it was as much as he could manage, in regards to not wishing misery upon others. He was a fairly benevolent, even if distant, father, and he never bothered to have contact with them after they went their ways.

Shirou died being loyal to his ideals but never realizing how much Kirei had perverted them along the way. Kirei prayed for his innocent obtuse soul, and focused on the slowly decaying Tohsaka, whose physical and mental state fell into a much faster downslide after losing Shirou. A far cry from her youthful proud self, the now old man nursed her during her last days, secretly palating her agony. The day when it was obvious she wouldn't wake up, he allowed himself what he never could do with his wife and strangled her on her bed.

Yet, something, a strange thing he had never felt before, moved him to say, as she struggled, "It's for your own good."

The eternal fighter stopped struggling, smiled softly at him, and caressed his cheek with a hand before expiring.

He sat before a mirror, contemplating the ancient wreck he was now. He had, at last, destroyed everything he should have loved. He had brought misery over the years, he had been the perfect hypocrite without ever telling a lie. Not even that last statement to Rin had been a lie, actually. Dimly, he wondered if he had, at last, felt actual affection for someone, someone that now was lost forever.

That, or something else, was bothering him even now, even as his emptiness returned in full force...

"Ah, " he told himself. "That's it. I never told her I killed her father..."

He never had caused her that ultimate pain in her impotence.

He had forgotten it.

And now he never could do it.

Kotomine Kirei knelt down to pray to that God who never had answered him.


Rin, Shirou and Cu Chulainn.

The man stood before the two graves, with his head low in sorrow and respect.

"Farewell, my Masters, " he said. "I'll never forget your bravery, your nobility, your sacrifice. As long as I live, I never will stop thinking about what you did for us, and how much we have lost without you..."

He lifted his head and made a faint smile. "On the other hand, I finally make it to a comedy segment outliving everyone else!"

You realize you will now disappear from mana deprivation, don't you?

He lowered his head again. "Curses. That's right..."


Rin, Shirou and the Holy Grail.

"Grail-kun, Grail-kun!" Tohsaka fell to her knees before the grotesque cup leaking its contents all over the floor. "It's terrible! Over Master has started writing a series of snippets getting me and Emiya-kun in bed with everyone else! Including Gilgamesh! And Shinji! And KIREI! And it's going to keep going until we have bedded at least fifty four people! You have to help me!"

"My, my, Rin-chan, what a crybaby you are! Think of it as a chance to grow close to a lot of remarkable people! Unique people, who are all wonderful in their own ways! You don't have to feel bad about it, silly!"

"The next segment places us in a threesome with YOU!" Tohsaka despaired.

After a short silence, the Grail dropped a large knife on Tohsaka's lap.

She picked it up. "Why, this...?"

"It's a handy Set of Disposal of Depravity!" Grail-kun peppily said. "Just use it on OM to make sure he stops writing this..."


NEXT: Arturia! Sakura! Kiritsugu? CIEL!-?