Contradictions of control.
Chapter 1. Illusion
disclaimer: Itachi and Sasuke don't belong to me. I wish they did.
warnings: ItaSasu, lemons , uchihacest, mental & psychological torture, angst. If I Think of something more, I'll let you know. The story is AU. Sasuke and Itachi are of legal age (21/27); Itachi is OOC in the first chapter- you will understand why, i couldn't do anything about it. As always it's the fiction that dictates me how it is to be written.
About : here you go guyz, those who know me I 'm true to myself in my style of writing. Don't expect light leasure time reading or fluffy romances. You are warned, so that there are no more complaints in the end of this fic. Rated M for a reason. The good thing- I update regularly and don't abandon my stories unfinished.
one last thing: this fic is dedicated to someone special, this person knows.
9:21. There is a room behind the wall. I can hear the water there dripping slowly from the tap. It's hitting the aluminum sink with monotonous sharp ringing as the drops shatter against the metal. Drip. Drip. Drop.
Drip. Drip. Drop.
9:21. The ticking of the clock is echoing in my head, from my left ear into my right one. I can almost hear the friction of mechanical parts, wheels, springs , even tiny screws grinding against each other in this complicated clock machine on the wall.
9:22. I turn my head to the left and stare at the white metal door with a small window on the eye-level with bars over it. This small window will be closed from the outside by sliding a thin slab at 22:00 every night or earlier if I don't behave well.
9:23. I turn my head to look in front of me. I see a white wall with nothing on it. Just a white wall. No, wait. There is this big round clock on the wall. It's my best friend. After the tap.
Drip. Drip. Drop.
9:24. I dislike having my arms crossed on my chest for so long and the sleeves they are in are tied too tight behind my back. I allow them to do it. It's necessary. But I dislike it.
9:25. Standing proved to be too hard. I sit on the floor where I fell. I have to get up. Get up. Get up.
9:27. I am still on the floor. The clock is staring at me from the wall. It sounds like it's laughing at me. It's so round and I can feel it's watching eyes over me. Constantly. You wait, I will get up soon and we'll see who will be the last one to laugh. Who will be the one to watch. You or me.
9:29. Drip. Drip. Drop. Be quiet. Just be silent. Shut up! Drip. Drip. Drop.
9:30. I can hear the steps behind the door and the rattling. I know it's them. I can feel them. I feel them carrying it on the small tray in the left hand. Always.
9:31. Yes. The keys are inserted in the lock. One turn. Another. Then a half turn. Yes. That's it. Now push this door open, push it open. Yes, like that.
9:32. Close it behind. Yes. No, I don't need more people here. Why is it so many of you? What do you want? Why are you all staring at me?
9:34. I don't want to get up. I am good here, on the floor. Don't lift me up by my elbows. No.
9:35. Are you untying my arms? Are you crazy? Don't do it, you know what will happen if you do. Don't do it! Are you deaf?
9:36. what is it in your hand? Injection? I don't want it. Let go of me. I said I don't want injections.
9:37. in my vein? Again? What have I done? I didn't do anything! What for?! Let go of me!
9:38. don't you dare take this restraining jacket off me. You know what happens if you do. Don't do it! Why are you taking it off?
9:39. I don't want injections! Leave me alone! Let go of me! Sasuke! No!
9:40. Drip. Drip. Drop.
"Is that all you can do for him? Just this?"
"We are sorry, Uchiha-sama. There are no other alternatives left. He is getting worse and nothing is helping. We tried him on every medication possible. It is the only option."
"And what if I refuse to approve it?"
"Then we are not responsible anymore. If something happens again…"
"I know, I know." Sasuke rubbed his forehead tiredly before answering "I'm taking him home with me."
The doctor's eyes widened and got a scared glint mixed with a warning, nearly close to skepticism.
"You can't do that, with all my respect, Uchiha-sama…"
Sasuke landed his fist on the wall to demonstrate what he could.
"I brought him here and I'm taking him back. That's my last word. Or I'll get your little psycho-institution closed within hours. As if I don't know about these lower levels, with many-many dirty little cells that don't look as neat and clean as this floor here. And the public there is not as healthy and well taken care of as this one, on the surface."
He got the point. Sasuke knew how to persuade if he had to. (No, brother, you are not staying here a day longer. Not a day more.)
"We will prepare him for transportation".
Sasuke bit his lip
"There is no need. I'll drive him myself. Your job is done".
Itachi's doctor looked at the younger Uchiha as if he needed more help than his brother. Sasuke glared meaningfully and the doctor had no other choice but to nod and give orders to his little run-around team to stuff Sasuke's older brother with more relaxants and stab him with multiple injections so that he could be taken home after 8 months of this nightmare.
(Would he ever forgive me for that? Or would my life end as quickly as my friend's when Itachi found out about what had happened?
I was in debt to him and even if it meant to risk my life now I would take him home. He was my brother. And he didn't deserve all this.)
My body is like a cloud, or a big spongy foam, bouncing and wiggling, all beyond my control. Arms, legs, head, all my limbs are strangely boneless, as if made of rubber or some bizarre flexible material. No, rubber fits well. And my ears too, and my eyes. All are made of rubber. Everything is stretching and spinning and slowly floating from one side to the other. Like an air bubble in oil. No, drop of oil in water. Drip...drop…I can't hear it now. Drip? Drop? ... hmm…it's gone.
I thought I could see my brother sitting next to me on the driver's seat in a car. It must be an illusion, my dream.
"S-s-s-as—s-u-kke" how hard it is to pronounce his name. He looks so real, his blackish- bluish hair, his face, his eyes, his hands on the steering wheel. Of a car? He is turning his head…so slowly…and his face is stretching now and breaking into sliding squares like a maze…no, 'maze' is wrong. Like a domino. Yes, domino is better. Or a chess board. White and …what color is a chess board?…chess…board…color…
It's such a beautiful illusion, I wish I could move my fingers and reach my hands to him, to squeeze his hand with my fingers...my fingers are so rubbery, so liquid, formless. They all have lives of their own and they like squeezing things and touching things and not only things...they are evil, my fingers. I want to kill them slowly. Like the tap. Drip. Drip?
Wait, he is turning his head…so slowly...and he is looking at me and he is... he looks so real! I can smell his breath and it is sweet, like milk and honey…and almonds ...like cyanide…where is my clock? I can't hear it. Where is it?!
He is cupping his hand over my cheek, it feels so warm, so soft.
"I will take you home, brother".
I wish you did, Sasuke. I wish you did. You are my illusion.
Now everything started moving. Why? It doesn't feel like white anymore. It's so ugly when it's not white. I can't see when it's not white.
"W-a-a-at-er-er". I need to drink. My mouth it's so dry. So dry, so dry.
He …is still here, my Sasuke. He has not disappeared, my mirage. He is…driving? Are we driving? Who is he?
"Yes, Itachi, we are nearly there."
We stopped. The car stopped. And he is …opening the door? …it hurts my ears so much. But I can see more and it's my fingers again. They are coming back to life. I want to kill them. I want to break them one by one. Break them.
Something warm is covering them. Sasuke's fingers?
"Itachi, it will be alright soon. You don't need to hurt yourself. Let me help you up. Like that, just lean against me. Don't worry, I will take care of you."
My legs are not walking, they are sliding on the ground and my knees feel as if they are gone.
"Sa-suke, my legs…"
"I know, Itachi, I know. Don't worry, we are almost there. I'll carry you on my back if I have to."
He is smiling. My Sasuke, he is smiling, he is helping me and there is the door. The door to …
"Is this?..." he is steadying me against the wall.
"Yes, Itachi. We are home."
He is opening the door with his key and offers his shoulder for me to lean on.
"Come on, Itachi. Make an effort, huh? "
He is trying to scrape me off the wall, but I'm holding tight. I don't want to. Don't make me! I don't want to! Leave me alone! Don't touch me!
Sasuke is letting go. I'm closing my eyes. Rubber eyes. Now I will open them again and he will be gone. He will be gone. Where is my tap?
"Itachi, help me, please. Help me just a little bit. One step and I'll do the rest. Please, Itachi. One step."
No! He is not real! He is an illusion! Let go of me! Leave me alone! I don't want!
He is trying again, but I'm digging my fingers into the brick wall. My fingers just cracked so strangely.
"Itachi, please. One step."
He opens the door. I can hear it. I can feel a weak current of air, a breeze, as if somebody is waving a fan in my face. Like in childhood. It's so pleasant this wind, soft and cool. Sasuke, do you remember? It feels like the swings from childhood, do you remember?
"Yes, Itachi. I do."
"Can you hear me, Sasuke?"
"Yes, I can. Open your eyes, Itachi. We are home. Open your eyes and help me. Just one step. Please."
I can't believe him, but I'm opening my eyes. Here he is standing in front of me, waving a magazine or a newspaper in my face.
"Are you real, Sasuke?"
I can't believe it.
"Yes, brother. "
He slides me by the wall into the open door.
I am home.
"Itachi, careful!" I think I have fallen down. I landed on the floor. Tatami. It's not white, it's not soft. I have to touch it, taste it. Is it tatami? Sasuke is leaning over me, he is pulling me up. Again.
"Itachi, let's get up. Let's get up and you can rest." I don't want to get up. I have to know if it is... It tastes like fibers and socks, like tatami.
"Itachi, don't. let's get up."
"Sas-s-ukk-e? Is it you?" I have to see him, my fingers are catching his elbow and pulling him down, closer to my face. He is …Sasuke…He is such a real illusion. Sasuke. He landed on top of me, his chest pressing against mine, I can feel his hot breath when he whispers "Itachi…". No, wait. What are you doing? I just wanted to look at you close, are you Sasuke? Why are you covering my mouth with your hand?
What are you doing, Sasuke? His eyes are so black, and he is not looking in my eyes. Why? Slowly he approaches, lower and lower…why, Sasuke? Why are you freezing above your knuckles just an instant before you are…landing a kiss on them? I can't do anything, Stop it! Stop now!
Now you parted from your own hand and slowly your face is going up, away from me. You are now looking me in my eyes...What is it, Sasuke? Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you breathing so heavily? What are you staring at now, Sasuke? Why did you cover my mouth? Why did you kiss your hand? Sasuke? Look at me!
His face is approaching again. Now faster. It is like a wave, these movements. Why does it remind of a wave? Is it his breath on me, is it his face closer now or is it his body sliding against mine? Stop it! What are you doing? He is spreading his fingers and I feel the warmth of his tongue tracing their contours, it tickles my lips and makes me open my mouth. His tongue is skimming , touching, sliding, gliding over my top lip. Where is your hand, Sasuke? When did you remove it? Why are you kissing me? Sasuke. We must not, we are brothers.
Let go of me! No! Where is the drip drop of my tap? Let go of me!
I am pushing him away with all my strength, but my body is not moving. I want to push him away, but …NO!
His hand has found it. His fingers have found it. Now he knows.
Why is he doing this? I can feel him, releasing me from my trouser-prison, slowly stroking over the fabrics of my underwear what I don't want him to touch.
His chin is sharp and sliding down my chest, his face is in my abdomen now, and his hand is under the elastic, and lower, he straightens 'it' up from being so uncomfortably bent and …
Sasuke, stop it. What are you doing?! Sasuke, no!
He pulls it out and his lips are approaching it, while his hand is steadying it and …he kisses it gently almost innocently just there where it's leaking from.
God, Sasuke, how can you?
He takes the top in his mouth and sucks it in, slightly, swirling his tongue and running his index finger and a thumb down its length, down to the base and up.
I am ready to scream when presses it against his cheek inside his mouth, then he pulls out slowly, observes me almost greedily and suddenly takes it back in, deeply, the whole length of it. His lips are so warm and wet, he breathes fast, choking hoarsely and moving faster and harder holding with his lips and ...moaning. Me and him.
I'm biting my fist, God. No!
"Come for me, Itachi."
Is it a ceiling? Sasuke? He is sitting on the side of my bed, a book in his hand. He looks tired.
"Ss-ssa-ss-kk-k …Is-s it-tt you?" I am cold. Freezing.
He lowers his book, and smiles at me.
"Rest Itachi. You are home now."
He looks so worried.
"S-s-sasuk-ke. D-did you j-jus-st-t..?" (pleasure me...)
"Itachi, you are tired. Sleep."
Was it a dream, where am I? Where is my clock? Why can I speak?
"Sas-s-suk-k-ke, wh-what-t was-s it-t?"
His hand is over my cheek, stroking it. I am shaking. Freezing. He frowns and gets up, touches my forehead, worried, turns to go away.
"S-sa-sk-ke, d-don't g-ggo!" I'm trying to grasp his hand but mine are under the blanket at my sides.
"I'll get something to cover you with. I'll be right back, brother"
I'm closing my eyes. I am cold. So cold. My body is jumping on the bed, my legs, my arms, even my head. I can hardly see. Something is running from the side of my mouth, down my neck, onto my bare shoulder. Not again!
I feel how my limbs are slamming against the mattress. Something is suddenly restraining me, holding me tight against the bed. If it wasn't for that I would have probably fallen onto the floor, my body with no control now.
A hand is being inserted behind my neck, pushing me up from the pillows, holding my head still. Rather stiller than completely still.
"Here, Itachi. Itachi!" something is being pressed to my mouth, but I can't drink, my teeth meet the glass and I spill the oily liquid over me, the rest of it gets poured in my throat anyway. It tastes bitter and tart, and it burns my throat, even though it's cold. I feel a sudden sting in my shoulder and a sharp pain of fast pumping of the medicine into my biceps I open my mouth in silent scream and I freeze still, my mouth and eyes wide open. Even my breath is like a rubber ball that is suddenly stuck halfway between my gums and my throat. I fall back on my pillows to see my brother's worried face above me, an empty syringe in his hand.
My body is numbing rapidly. He closes my mouth and wipes off the foam from its side. His eyes are tired and red, he is rubbing them dry before looking at me again.
"I will take care of you, brother. Don't worry."
He is my illusion. My Sasuke.
A/N: Here we go, the first chapter. I am hoping for your support on the way with this story and of course for your comments and reviews. You know how much it means to me. From my side - I am a grateful writer and I take your advice to consideration and do my best to improve with your help. Always yours. Mainki.