Chapter 2. Reality.
"Itachi, I'm leaving".
I opened my eyes to see you standing in the doors into my room.
Your left elbow pressing against the door frame, your forehead resting on your fist, your right arm stretched and holding the door open. You didn't move further, waiting for my response.
What an uncommon outfit you had on, Sasuke. Dark gray torn jeans, wrapped tightly around your skinny legs, a massive leather belt slung a bit lower than regular, a black satin shirt, purposely unbuttoned half way down, demonstrating your bare chest under it.
Your sleeves were rolled up below elbows and thick leather wristbands with blunt spikes sat on your both hands. A matching collar on your neck. Sasuke, since when were you wearing eyeliner when going out? And your eyebrows looked a bit too perfect today. Same as your hair. Messy on purpose, but perfect. I noticed a massive onyx silver ring on the middle finger of your right hand. A date?
"I am going to pick up your medicine. Will you manage a couple of hours alone?" you asked as if having read my thoughts and avoiding to look in my eyes. When you got my reassuring answer, you let the door close naturally and moments later you were gone. I could hear gravel crunching under your feet while you were stepping away from home, car keys rattling in your hand.
I closed my eyes again.
Yesterday, when you were getting the kit with my medications from the bedside table, I noticed a small detail that confirmed my rising suspicions about you.
"Sasuke, is your ear pierced?"
You smirked and didn't answer. You were twenty one, grown up enough to make such decisions yourself.
Somehow I wasn't even completely surprised that it was your right ear. A small but well visible dark blue stone was sparkling in it.
Sasuke. What had happened to you in those eight months. What had I missed? You seemed to be perfectly fine, but something was terribly wrong. As if you had lost a half of yourself, traded it for something cheap, vulgar, low.
It was hardly noticeable, only in small details, but it was there. In the way you moved, in mimics of your face, untypical of you hand gestures, the way you rolled your eyes, a new unique habit of fiddling with your spiky hair strands when talking on the phone ...Sasuke, did you know you were sticking out your lower back when leaning against objects? It was subtle, this change in you, but I was your brother and I recognized it directly.
All this drew a perfect image in my mind, why you were not interested in girls. Or more exactly, that you were not interested in girls only.
Before the incident, ten months ago you were a completely different person, Sasuke. Confident, cynical, selfish, even narcissistic. You put your interests and pleasures in the first place and you wouldn't care for anyone else, gathering always a loud and bright group of admirers around you.
I heard many times that the girls you dated abandoned you, but mainly you would force them to leave. And you wouldn't care, not a single time. You would appear with another one within days, sometimes hours, acting arrogantly, rudely but in a peculiar way that made all women fall for you.
Sasuke, women adored you. And you knew it far too well not to seize the opportunity and use it in your favor.
Living in the apartment just two of us, in spite of having four rooms, there was hardly any place for you to hide your guests. And you didn't bother hiding them.
"Itachi. I'll be busy now. Don't disturb." and you would lead a smiling new girl into your room, where the loud music would blend with all other noises that you two were producing.
There was nothing strange, abnormal or weird in that. Your age, lifestyle, your interests, hobbies, friends, even your looks. Sasuke, you had paid much less attention to how you looked before than you did now. You always thought you were perfect, they thought you were perfect and you used it in your perfect way.
Your girls. They were all friendly, always cute, some of them a little bit too-young looking, but you knew the limits and we never spoke about it. With you. Or with them. There was one time only when I had to interfere, Sasuke. Do you remember?
That girl with Little Kitty bag, the one who still wore school uniform. You came home with her after school hours, dragging her by her hand quickly past me, through the living room ,where I occasionally sat over my books and notes, calculating the rise and fall of the Tokyo Stock Market.
Sasuke, you were never interested in stocks. Finances didn't bother you. Sometimes I wondered if you had any plans for future at all. You seemed to have wind in your head, thinking only of nightlife, your always changing in amount and character friends and numerous various women you tended to invite home. Alcohol. Parties. Sex. Drugs. Relationships, always ending winthin a week. Except for that one.
Ten months ago, Sasuke. I was sitting on the cushion in the living room, when you entered with a new girl. You left your footwear at the doors and crossed the corridor towards me.
"Itachi, this is Noa", I lifted my head from my papers to measure the shy girl, shifting from one foot to the other. She looked not older than 16 and was pretty enough to suit your tastes.
I smiled, nodded and returned to my papers. You didn't move and held her by her shoulders, as if waiting for my approval for something.
"I'm going to marry her Itachi." you said firmly and I put everything aside and placed my hands on my knees, exhaled slowly, and then I looked at you both.
You were standing straight almost proud, your arms resting over the shoulders of the girl in front of you, your hands were in a lock on her chest and she was covering them with her small pale fingers.
Noa was trying to look away, an excited and embarrassed smile playing on her lips, cheeks blushing .
"I see" I said and returned back to my reading. There was not a chance in the world that you would want to get married and we both knew it.
I didn't approve of your methods which you used especially for that purpose, but getting involved in your private life was nothing I would afford myself to do. Despite the fact that this was the first time ever you mentioned marriage I knew it was everything but serious.
"Noa, this is my older brother, Itachi. He will come with me to ask for your parent's permission." you said both to me and to the girl.
Noa bowed low to me and I bowed to her lightly in return, looking more at you than at her.
What were you thinking? The side of your mouth formed a smirk. That was exactly what I thought. Your game. I waited for the girl to lift her head and look at me and pure naive happiness was written on her face. You comforted her and you both proceeded into your room, hand in hand.
If I only knew then, Sasuke. I would have stopped it directly.
It didn't last a month, your romance. I could hear you chatting and whispering in your room but she would never stay long and I was not concerned.
You would come home together, you carrying the Little Kitty schoolbag with books for her, playing a gentleman, attending everything to tiniest detail of etiquette.
Sasuke, you were a skilled Casanova. Sometimes I wondered how you had gained that experience. The manner of your speaking, how you threw your head backwards and laughed at her every joke, the way you prepared for her jasmine tea in the kitchen. Sasuke, you hated the smell of jasmine and in spite of that you were sharing from the same cup, you and her both happy.
You would arrange a fruit platter and take it to her or when sitting in the living room with me you would hand feed her with dangos, gently wiping caramel sauce with your finger from the side of her mouth, making her blush. Sasuke.
After two weeks you were resting your head on her knees watching a movie and she was stroking your spiky hair, deep affection in her eyes. Sasuke, did you even care?
Your physical relationship seemed to be keeping within limits at that time, not allowing anything besides platonic kisses. I didn't interfere, Sasuke, totally trusting your judgment and precautions.
But soon certain change in details was impossible to ignore, how she was embarrassed at first when you tried to kiss her on her cheek in my presence, later you were allowing yourself to stroke her knee while laying watching the television, pretending to be captured in a film. Closer to the end of the same month you stopped walking her home and you would simply follow her to our doors, sometimes even smack her lower parts and wave her "jenee". In the end she would come to you herself, knocking and asking after you and you would not care to come out, to meet her, giving some unreasonable excuses, but more often not even that.
"Itachi, tell her I'm working" you would shout to me through the closed doors from your room, knowing exactly she was standing in the corridor, hearing your every word.
She would stand quietly waiting for a minute or so, hoping you might change your mind, then she would turn around and leave. You would wait a day or two and then come with her home again, as if nothing happened. And she would be happy and smiling and more attached to you than before.
"Sasuke, you should stop this", I said to you the same night when before closing the door behind her you kissed her passionately and she answered in the same manner. You were not hiding it anymore. Neither of you.
"Hn, this has nothing to do with you, Itachi." you chuckled.
Indeed, it didn't.
"This can be a problem, Sasuke, if she is underage".
You didn't answer, just smirked, finished your tomato juice, threw the empty glass loudly into the sink and headed to your room.
The trouble came a week later.
I was concentrating on a yearly report about the three of the largest and the most recent investments that our company had made, and the initial prognosis looked promising, though something gave me reason for worrying. I was looking through the papers thoroughly when there was a knock at my door.
I put the bunch documents on the table and got off the sofa, headed to answer. Noa was standing there, her eyes red, she was wiggling at her uniform tie on her neck with trembling fingers and staring at the floor.
"Itachi-san, ano..." this would be the first time your private life effected me directly.
"What is it?"
before she managed to answer I heard your fast approaching steps. You grabbed the girl by her elbow and dragged her towards the front door, her Kitty bag with school books in your other hand.
"Don't mind it. Noa is leaving. " you hissed on the way, either to me or to her.
this was an insensitive and rude way of getting rid of the guest, especially if it was a female guest. Obviously your interest to her had been satisfied and the game was over.
"Sasuke, I think you should change your manners", I made a step out of the room, unwillingly interfering into your quarrel.
You were opening the door and the girl was crying now, hanging on your elbow.
"Just stop it!" you yelled, yanking your arm away.
"Sasuke..." I addressed you.
As soon as you turned your head to me the girl wailed
"Please, Sasuke. We can make it work. I'm begging you "
"Uzai." you stated firmly, with notes of clear irritation in your voice. But your face looked almost as if you were enjoying it.
You pushed the door handle at you and cast the weeping creature outside along with her Little Kitty bag without a single word more.
Then you locked the door and leaned your back against it for a moment, your eyes closed, one leg bent in the knee, you foot against the door. A relaxed smiling face.
"Itachi, I don't blame you for having no interest in women." you pronounced sarcastically, then opened your eyes and looked at me. Mocking.
I answered to you calmly
"Sasuke, there are rules that apply in this house, have you forgotten? You are going over the limits of what I can accept."
"Go and fuck yourself, Itachi. " and you headed towards the kitchen.
But this was just the beginning. I should have made it clear for you, Sasuke, that it was not the right way to go. I should have.
Eight months had passed. Almost nine. What has become of you, Sasuke? You had pierced your ear, you dressed yourself in a peculiar kind of clothing, your way of talking had changed, you made up your eyes and used perfume that associated for me with strip clubs, limousines and exclusive hotels for one night. What had happened to you?
I closed my eyes and silently and very slowly let our the air through my nostrils, chasing the memories away. I pulled the blanket to the side and placed my bare feet onto the floor, one after another.
Tatami. Uncommon asphalt gray tatami. It gave such a pleasant warmth under my feet totally different feeling than from the smooth chilly soft plastic in my white hospital room that I had spent eight months in. Eight months. It was hard to believe how much had changed in these months. It would never be the same. You or me.
I stood up , leaning one hand against the mattress. I shuffled my legs to the frosted window wall behind my bed and steadied my left hand against the glass. Sweaty half circles formed around my fingertips and the palm of my hand. I pressed my cheek to my overarm and held the breath in. Tired. Constantly tired. My eyelids dropped heavy and I frowned concentrating on keeping upright.
Sasuke. What were you doing now? My arm was starting to tremble, I must have drifted off my thoughts while leaning against the window. When I lifted my forehead I slowly turned around and went back towards my bed.
Two o'clock. You had left an hour ago. There was still several hours until my injection. Several hours until I would stop understanding, thinking, reacting normally. My body would act differently depending on numerous unpredictable factors. There would be sharp and blunt pains, numbness, shivers, the feeling close to agonizing fear and panic, to see the surrounding so real and at the same time knowing it was fake, this reality. I would wake up the next day, hardly remembering the day before that, or the same day, before the medication.
Sasuke, the first days after you had taken me back home, you hardly left the side of my bed and were constantly on the phone with my doctor, worried for no reason. You hardly slept getting alarmed by a sudden movement of my hand, or uncontrollable tremble of my fingers in a sleep. You would wake me up, panicking, shaking me by my shoulders or wiping the sweat from my face with a damp cold towel.
"Itachi! Itachi, are you alright? Itachi" I would open my eyes, staring at you in shock, astonished by seeing your face in front of me, so real, so close to me. Sometimes, still under the effect of the drug I would push you away, hardly realizing that you were not just an image of my shaken mind that would disappear as soon as I believe it to be real.
I would shut my eyes and close my ears not to hear you. I would lay still holding my breath in and gritting my teeth, chasing your face away from me, trying to make your voice blend with the sounds I imagined. Any sounds, just not your voice, running water, roar of thunder, screams of your so called friends...or the sound of the rubber band opened loose after the needle had penetrated my vein.
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This dream. Sasuke.
You were laying next to me on the bed, your hand so pleasantly warm sliding up and down my hip. Your head was leisurely resting on my chest.
I felt a bizarre tickling waking up to life something I expected to be captured in my usual track pants that I had had on. But this was a dream and I was naked in it, so were you.
"Sasuke" I whispered and you lifted your head up on me, touched my lips in a closed mouth kiss. Then you put your head back on my chest and let your hand wander lower, making me hold my breath in and close my eyes.
My arm was stroking your shoulder, feeling your muscles tense with every move of your arm.
"Sasuke, kisu shite." My lips moved towards you and you covered them instantly with yours.
I knew it was just a dream. A weird bizarre dream.
I never thought I wished for my own younger brother, I never suspected. It was shocking, frightening and overwhelming. But I knew it was just a dream and I could do anything in it.
You parted from me and I let you do it again, not holding myself back, not resisting anymore. My body was under your control completely.
Just before you took it in your mouth you looked me in the eyes and asked
"You want it Itachi, don't you?...you want me"
There was no mocking, no irony in your question. Your face was serious and ...something else that I read like lust. Yes, Sasuke in my dream you were lusting after me. This was more than enough for me to feel close to ecstasy. I smiled and stroked your cheek gently, enjoying the velvety texture of your skin under my fingers. I answered the only word I knew right now
You opened your lips a little bit and roughly cast the duvet that was covering us both onto the floor, exposing everything. Sasuke, yes, I wanted you. And you wanted me.
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"Itachi. Itachi, work your hand for me please".
I opened my eyes, my left arm was numbing and the rubber band was stinging the wrinkled skin just above my elbow. I moved my fingers gathering them in a fist, repeatedly opening and closing it, feeling dizzy and too light in my body to do it properly.
You were preparing my injection.
"What's the time, Sasuke?"
You avoided my gaze, still concentrating on sucking out the yellow medicine from the ampule in your left hand, when the last drop was in you flicked your index finger against the syringe to make the air bubble float upwards and you pressed a drop or two out to make sure no air would enter my vein together with the medicine.
"It's almost nine, Itachi. Time for your meds"
You took my stretched arm and steadied it on top of my stomach, stroked the well swollen blue vein and stuck the needle in.
This feeling. This feeling when every centiliter of the poison gets pumped in, reminded somehow of a metal scraping against the walls of my too narrow vein that all of a sudden felt large and fat and it was consuming and absorbing this yellow liquid greedily, as if sucking the substance out of the syringe, using the needle as a proboscis.
This metallic greedy poison instantly blended with my blood. I could feel it pushing its way through my vein, spreading rapidly wider. First it was shooting spiky lumps of hot pain into my elbow and shoulder and fingers. These lumps quickly exploded, burst and infected all my organs and limbs one by one until my whole body was paralyzed and I wouldn't be capable of moving or blinking, or breathing.
But. I could still see and hear. Just after you had removed the needle you released the band from my arm and threw it in the open draw of the bedside table, along with everything else you just used. You tucked both of my arms under the blanket, carefully, making sure I am completely covered , just my head on the pillow, the duvet coming up to my chin. Then you closed my mouth and wiped it if needed, then you sat next to me on the bed watching my every move, listening to my breathing, to my heart beat, checking my forehead and leaning to my nostrils when you couldn't see my chest move up and down.
Sometimes my body would start shaking, rejecting the substance that kept me under your control, you would cover me with several heavy restraining covers and in spite of that it would take all your strength to keep my body on the bed.
As soon I could move my lips you would pour a glass of oily liquid in my throat and the shaking would stop and I would lay motionless for hours, with you by my side, afraid to take your eyes off me. Sometimes the shaking would not come and tired of watching me you would drift off in your dreams and i would drift off in mine.
N/A: Wow, I was totally captured in writing this, honestly. To go through these memories and thoughts with Itachi...Sasuke...what can we say?...yeah..I better wait and see what you have to say, guyz. Good? Bad? Curious? Disappointed? Excited?...I'm all ears...(and eyes).
love you all. don't forget- I'm writing for you.