Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, etc.



Anessa Ramsey

         I think I'm truly pathetic at times.  When I was in that cave and said that I wanted to give Buffy what she deserved I should have known that getting the chip out of my head wouldn't be it.  I just didn't take the time to think about the way I worded my request until I was being filled with luminous bright light.  Sodding demon restored my soul. 

         Ever since that day four years ago I have been haunted by the memories of the people I slaughtered.  Some cry out more often and more vocally than others.  I'm finding that Cecily's voice is the most prominent.  She always was a snooty girl.  Being dead didn't change a thing.

         Four years ago, about three weeks after receiving my soul I ended up in LA.  Don't ask me why but I knew that Peaches was the only one who could help me deal with my past.    He was there, as was the cheerleader and the rest of his pets.  The second they saw me they armed themselves.  I could have told them it wasn't necessary.  I was too weak to fight the smallest of children.  My sire was the only one to notice.  When they'd all set their weapons down and gone he gave me warmed blood and I drank it down, not caring that it left me with a blood mustache.  When I finally got the courage to look up I saw him just watching me and I had to turn away.

         "Why are you here, Spike?" was the first thing he asked me.  I knew that it would be.  Every other time I'd seen him since our first meeting in Sunnydale had been about inflicting pain on each other.  Now I needed my sire in a way that I hadn't in over a hundred years…and I was scared to ask for his help.

         I eventually said the words that got him to help me.  It was quite simple really.  Just two little words that played on his soul… "Please, sire."  He took me in and for a few weeks things were tense.  We avoided each other like the plague.  Then he heard from the blonde bitch that I was sure I was in love with.  She wanted to know if he'd heard from me.  Stupid bint told him everything I'd done.  Of course she didn't mention all the times she beat on me or used me for sex.  We fought for nearly two hours over that little indiscretion.  Then…I don't know how to explain it, but I guess you could just say that things changed.  It was as if the fight had purged us of some of our hatred.  Gradually we began to talk…a bloody miracle in his case.  Everything just began to click.  Angel wasn't the sire that I'd once loved.  He was rapidly becoming someone I was falling in love with.  Where Angelus would beat me for crying, Angel would hold me.  It was that gentleness that I'd been searching for. 

         The first time he kissed me I'd been staying with him for nearly six months.  I can still remember the way he tasted that night.  We'd gone clubbing, determined to have a night of fun.  We poured into the hotel at around three in the morning…and believe it or not I was stone cold sober. 

         I sat on the counter next to the computer and was going to ask him what he wanted to do next when I looked up.  He was standing just inside the door, leaning casually against the wall, and he was looking at me like he wanted to eat me up.  Before I knew it, he'd crossed the room and was standing between my knees, his hands threaded through my hair, kissing me as if he'd been denied my taste for far too long. 

         It was the most passionate, devouring, consuming kiss I'd ever received.  The slayer had never affected me on this level.  When he pulled back it was as if everything clicked in my mind.  I looked into those eyes that I loved so long ago and saw something I never thought I'd see again.  He loved me.  And I loved him.  I always had, even when I loved Dru and Buffy, he was still a part of me.

         We've been together since then.  He didn't have to worry about that little clause with me because he felt guilty about my existence.  The Powers made it permanent last year, and even though we knew he wasn't going to lose it, it's nice to know that he can't now.  We moved back to the Hellmouth a year after I went to him.  The cheerleader and the rest of his pets came with us.  Cordelia has befriended Willow who returned two years ago.  She understands loss better than anyone.  She still misses the mick, though she has started seeing one of those soldier boys that came back last year.  I think his name is Graham.  It took him a while to get used to us.  Her group of friends is a pretty screwed up bunch.

         When we first got back, I went to get my stuff.  Finding Buffy sitting in my crypt was not something I'd anticipated.  She actually looked relieved to see me.  I hated bursting her bubble when Angel walked in.  It's not everyday you find out that the love of your life is in love with the guy you screwed into the ground.  If I'd been soulless I would have appreciated the irony of her situation.  Instead all I felt was sadness.  But there was nothing I could do.  I loved Angel…I always had.

         It's been four years and she's learned to accept the relationship between Angel and I.  She's close to retirement, but I know that won't stop her from slaying.  I don't think she plans on living a normal life.  There's too much pain in her to try.  She doesn't believe in the things that she used to.  She won't let anyone close enough to even think about loving them or letting them love her in return.  It upsets me that she didn't realize how she felt until it was too late, but again, there's nothing I can do.  Eternity is not hers.  It's ours.  She'll die one day and we will both grieve, but she was not meant for either of us.  We were meant for each other.  For eternity.