Hello all. Due to my being an incredibly good journalist/reporter/stalker I have successfully attached an audio device on Bilbo Baggins (where it is located on his body is not important). I shall now proceed to give you the following excerpts exchanged by Bilbo and other people that will NOT BE EXPOSED by the documentary team (led by Peter Jackson). It will be presented as an audio format due to the fact that I only attached listening devices. We will now follow the *UN-REVEALED* journey of Bilbo Baggins, detailing the most private, hilarious, classified information; beginning with the dwarves eating dinner at Bilbo's house.

Bilbo: I am surrounded by dwarves! What are they doing here?

Gandalf: Oh, they're quite a merry gathering.

Bilbo: Merry gathering indeed! Do they not know that Hobbits are rather plain, quiet creatures? Adventures makes one late for dinner- Hey, those are antique plates! For decoration, not to be used-THAT CHAIR BELONGS IN THE TEA ROOM. YES THE TEA ROOM. FOR DRINKING TEA. I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS ACTUALLY CALLED. LIKE, SITTING ROOM OR SOMETHING?


Bilbo: I just need to sit quietly for a moment.

Gandalf: You have been sitting quietly for far too long.

Bilbo: I can't go on the adventure.

Gandalf: Why not?

Bilbo: I am a BAGGINS, for god's sake, and I need to travel to London next week!


Bilbo: My idiot flatmate needs another hand for a case of his.

Gandalf: Oh, you must mean that land far far away! Oh yes, people there ALWAYS confuse me with Dumbledore. (Sighs) When will they understand that he is just my twin brother?

Bilbo: Dumbledore? Is he a great wizard or is he kind of like you?


*Early next morning*

Bilbo: ...What is this...?

*Thuds and more thuds*

Random Guy: Where are you going Bilbo?

Bilbo: I am going on an adventure!

Random Guy: Adventure my ass! (Documentary team stops filming). You're such an (insert words) idiot, did you know? Bah, adventures! Who needs adventures when you have swa- (voice stops, presumable killed by Bilbo).


Kili: Oh, look who it is, swaggering up to the line of travelling dwarves?

Fili: Look, it's Bilbo, our burglar, our life force, the meaning as to why we live and die! Our savior!

Gandalf: Please stop talking, the documentary team is starting up their cameras.

OK, I really don't know why I did this.