"Do you know what it's like when

You're scared to see yourself?

Do you know what it's like when

You wish you were someone else

Who didn't need your help to get by?

Do you know what it's like

To wanna surrender?"

Skillet - Never Surrender

Sirius Black looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. His slightly too long hair which he normally took such pride in was a mess, his eyes looked darker than normal or maybe his skin was just paler. He looked as miserable as he felt. He was glad in a way...he was sick of pretending to be okay.

His wand had been locked up after he used a permanent sticking charm to stick posters of muggle models on his bedroom wall. That had been so stupid! If he hadn't done that he'd still have his wand. He'd be able to heal his injuries and wouldn't have to worry about Prongs or Moony noticing his scars. He wasn't worried about Wormtail if the git actually noticed and had the sense to worry about him he'd be easy enough to distract.

He wouldn't get his wand back till after they got to Kings Cross...just before the train left; giving James or Lupin time to notice something was wrong. There had to be something he could do.!

He could stop...right? It was only the middle of July...if he stopped now maybe they could heal in time for Hogwarts. Maybe...maybe...but even as he thought it he felt his hand closing on the blade of the knife.

He was an idiot. A bloody git...literally, he thought with bitter humor as he felt the cool blade slice his skin. He hardly felt the pain. He'd feel it later he knew but now there was only relief. Maybe his mother was right...maybe he was a failure, worthless... No Padfoot. Pull it together. He took a deep breath and cut himself again. Why did this help? Why? He noticed that he called himself Padfoot when trying to talk sense into himself. He knew it was because thinking of his friends reminded him he still had something to live for, even if the thought of being around them right now scared him senseless.

When had he become one of those insufferable gits who couldn't control their own emotions? Screw emotions! At this point he'd settle for being able to control his own actions. He knew the negative effects of the pain would kick in soon. It was an escape now but soon it would be a reminder. A reminder that he was everything his mother said he was. Not because he was in Gryffindor. No he was proud of that. He would choose Gryffindor no matter how many chances he was given to change his mind but he was weak, he was weak for letting her get to him like this. He was weak for letting the fact that he knew his birthday in two days would be ignored bother him. He was weak for resorting to self harm; but what other choice was left for him? His thoughts were so dark lately that he scared himself. James had invited him over but he wasn't allowed to go. A part of him didn't even want to go. He'd have to pretend to be okay, he wasn't ready for that. Part of him wanted someone to see his pain and so he wasn't sure how well he could play his part. What would James think if knew? Knew what an idiot his best friend was? James was so innocent, so sheltered. He thought he knew everything, he thought he could handle anything...but he was really so very sheltered. How would he deal with it? Sirius didn't want to ruin his friend's happy lightheartedness with his own darkness. He felt himself pulling slowly away from his friends against his own will and it hurt. It hurt much worse then this stupid knife could ever hurt him.

He was tired...he hadn't slept at all the night before. But suddenly he couldn't stand he was so tired, maybe he'd cut deeper than he had meant to, he thought vaguely that this possibility should probably worry him more than what it did. He forced himself to look at his arm. It wasn't really that bad, he grabbed a random piece of clothing off the floor and pressed it to his arm as he collapsed on the bed in exhaustion.


Sirius didn't want to wake up. It was the day before he turned 16 and all he wanted to do was sleep and never wake up. Of course he didn't let anyone know that. When he left his room he had to make sure to act like nothing was wrong. It wouldn't do for his family to know how badly he was doing. He knew they wouldn't give a damn anyway.

He heard a pecking at his window and forced himself to get up and let the owl in. He wasn't surprised to see that it was the Potter's owl. He was however shocked to see that it wasn't James's handwriting on the envelop. He opened the letter to see it was indeed not from James but from Mrs. Potter.

Dear Sirius,

James told me that your mother wouldn't let you come visit us over the summer this year. Well I had a talk with her and so long as you leave your wand with your mother and I lock James's wand away as well which he has agreed to for your sake she has agreed to let you stay for as long as you like. You welcome to stay the whole summer if you think you can stand James that long. I know things aren't wonderful for you at home and I do wish you'd let me know when I can help you in any way. I'll be there tomorrow bright and early to pick you up.

He stared at the letter in shock. He was thrilled that he was getting out of here! And for the whole summer! But at the same time he was horrified. Pretending to be normal at Hogwarts was one thing. On the rare occasion that the darkness inside him threatened to overtake him there he could easily sneak away for a moment. James and Lupin often thought he was with a girl and he let them think it. It was a good cover story for when he simply needed to be alone. But he couldn't do that when he was at the Potter's. He lay back down on his bed and waited for sleep to recuse him once again. Sleep however had other plans it seemed and he just lay there staring at the ceiling for what seemed like years until he had to make himself presentable for dinner.

Tell me what you think. If you review you get a sneak peek of the next chapter. XD Plus reviews inspire me to update sooner. Sorry it's so short I'll try to make the next one longer, this one is just setting up the story.