Ok people this is it! This is the last chapter of Ryuichi's Love (by the way, I wanted to change the title to Predilection a while ago, what do you think? But figured people may lose track of the fic. =P) Anyway, I just want to thank everyone that took the time to read my story, and everyone that took the time to write a review and/or a mail after reading it. I truly am grateful and wish to write more in the future as well. This was the first story I ever wrote and I can't believe how many reviews I got! =^.^=
Warning: This chapter is very, very long, and it contains a lot of sap. Sorry about that.
Thank you guys again, hope you enjoy my ending- and hope to please everyone. I sure please myself. =^__^=
-Special thanks to AoiHyou for beta reading this chapter. Thank you very much; you don't know how much I appreciate it.
By Kitty Kat =^.^=
Chapter 23: A Hole in my Heart / You really loved me
~~~~ Note: Blocks between these are the reflection of Yuki's heart at the end or close to the end of the story.
So many days had passed since they first met, and every day was still like a new beginning. There had never been time for boredom because it had always been so loud and crazy. He never imagined that losing what he though he hated would cause him so much pain. Just thinking that the silence surrounding him would last forever made him cry like he had never cried before.
'I don't want this to be my everyday, not anymore...'
He sighed and sobbed continuously while the thoughts tortured his heart again and again.
'Not after meeting you Shuichi. Now I don't think I can live with this silence and loneliness ahead.'
He tried to laugh, but not even that came out right. Instead, a loud moan escaped his lips, followed by more sobs.
'How pathetic I've become...crying for that brat like he was the only person on Earth.'
He was silent for a few minutes, not even his tears were freed, and then he murmured: "But you have become the only one..."
The blond begin to wonder how the little brat had managed to get stuck into his cold heart like that. So fast, so easily, and without a warning.
"He trapped me.... with his innocent smile and those puppy eyes. Is it that simple to make me fall in love? Pathetic...so pathetic, but now I have no escape."
He brushed away the tear that suddenly betrayed him once again, and stood up. "I can't go on like this... I need to move on."
Meanwhile, Tohma was scolding Ryuichi for not telling him his plans.
"I'm only saying you should have let me handle it. Now I look like a fool in front of the press...not knowing what was going on in my own company- AND RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE! Ryuichi...you should have told me!"
"I'm sorry Tohma, but its too late now. I already fixed things... Besides, I wanted the world to know the kind of man Aizawa is. You would have hidden everything from the press and I wanted him to-I want him to pay for what he did."
"You think I would have let him get away with it? You've got to be kidding Ryu-chan." But he was thoughtful for a moment, and then added. "Maybe you are right, I would've fixed it my way... but still, he would NOT get away with it."
"Oh well...maybe next time Tohma. Now, lets get to work. I want to finish the single already. I'm so excited with the way it turned out."
"Alright..." He agreed, but he wasn't happy at all.
Shuichi was happy, for a change. Things were starting to go the way he wanted, at least professionally. Hiroshi was back and the music was coming out just perfectly. It was amazing how much chemistry there was between him and his best friend. Everyone was feeling happy. Even Suguru was glad Hiro was back since Shuichi was a lot more energetic and cooperative.
"So, how did it go, K-san?" Shuichi asked with bright eyes.
The tall blonde manager smiled and pointed thumbs up. "OK! You sure are putting your all in this. I'm glad you're not slumping again." He sat down next to Hiro. "Now, lets take a hour off for lunch!" He turned to the side to face 'his lover', but before he could open his mouth for an invitation...
Shuichi grabbed Hiro's arm and dragged him away. "Let's go Hiro! Maybe we can catch up with Ryu-chan! I have to thank him for what he did!"
Hiro followed smiling. "What about Fujisaki and K? Aren't they coming?" He knew K was going to be mad. 'Sorry...' He snickered after imagining the blonde firing at the ceiling because he was left behind.
"If they want, but I think they're way behind already." Hiro snickered after hearing his best friend's remark. "RYU-CHAN!!!" He opened the door with a kick and when it was opened he realized he had just made Tohma fly to the other side of the studio and crash against the wall.
"SHINDO-SAN!!!" Tohma scowled.
"OH! I'm sorry Seguchi-san...I didn't know you were at the door." He looked down sheepishly.
"That is no way of opening the door anyways," he stood up and smirked after seeing the singer's arm intertwined with Hiro's. "I can see you two are back together. Good. I guess I should go now." He left, closing the door behind him softly.
Ryuichi smiled happily, "I'm so happy na no da!" His eyes gleamed with joy, "You guys are close again!" He smiled again sweetly.
"Ryu-chan! I came to say thanks...." He ran to him and grabbed his shoulders. "I owe you BIG TIME! I want to make it up to you." Ryuichi looked deep into the purple orbs and removed Shuichi's arms from his shoulder.
"It was nothing. I just wanted to see you smile again. I guess you have it all now...you deserve it." He turned around to avoid looking at him again. He took a deep breath while gathering strength to dismiss his beloved with an excuse. "Look, I have to finish mixing this tune...I'll see you around then, ne?"
Shuichi was surprised that his dear Ryuichi was acting so distant and cool- it was somehow very disappointing.
"I wanted you to join us for lunch," he murmured sadly, and then looked down quickly to hide the shadow of pain from his best friend- after all, Hiro didn't know, right?
"I'm sorry, maybe some other time. You go have fun with Nakano-san. You guys probably have tons of things to catch on." Sakuma acted indifferent, like it wasn't a big deal, but deep down all he wanted to do was trap Shuichi in his arms and embrace him.
'It's better this way...I better work hard and keep my mind busy. I have to get over him; we are friends, and nothing more. I have to understand once and for all that Shuichi is just another lost love....'
"I guess...okay... bye, Ryuichi." Shuichi left the room, but Hiro stayed for a second.
"Giving up, huh?" Ryuichi nodded. "I think you have a chance." Hiro was surprised to hear those words coming out of his own mouth.
"There's nothing I can do. Nothing will change, Nakano-san; Shuichi will always love Yuki and I will always just be Sakuma Ryuichi- his idol."
"I wouldn't be so sure...well, bye." He left the singer alone with his sadness and caught up with his best friend. "Hey wait up!"
"Huh? I though you were behind me..." He looked down sadly and Hiro knew why Shuichi was upset enough to not notice his absence. He was sad. So obviously sad, and he knew the reason behind Shuichi's gloomy eyes. He could tell there was a battle going on inside Shuichi's heart just by looking at him.
"Look Shuichi...if you love him, just tell him."
Shuichi's cheeks turned bright pink and then he looked up into his friend's eyes in amazement. 'How does he know?'
"Don't look at me like that, I know you and I can tell..." He held his friends cheeks and smiled tenderly at him. "I just want you to be happy Shu, so just let go of your fear and tell him."
"I can't...there's Yuki." 'OH MY GOD, I JUST ADMITTED TO HIRO THAT I LOVE RYUICHI!' He gasped after hearing his own words. "I mean..." 'Dammit! Me and my HUGE IDIOTIC MOUTH!'
"You want to keep a relationship that's not making you happy anymore?"
"I love Yuki!" He screamed out loud. Hiro was a little surprised to hear Shuichi defend his love for Yuki so furiously. "But I love Sakuma-san too." He added softly. The sweet rounded face looked up to Hiro's face once again. "What can I do Hiro? I love them both. I love them both so much it hurts...it hurts so much... but... but I don't want to hurt either of them. Both are dear to me...both are so loved and treasured inside my heart."
"So you hurt yourself..." the guitarist sighed, "I can't tell you what to do, but you can't love them both the same. You have to figure this out on your own, Shuichi. But I can tell you one thing- only one can be your all, just find out who it is. But it is unfair to Yuki, you know... To have him there wondering must be painful too."
"He doesn't know- I think." 'But if Tatsuha opens his mouth...I'm dead!'
"He probably knows something's wrong, you are so easy to read, Shuichi." Those words made the pink haired singer realize that Yuki was probably aware of his sudden change.
'I've changed...the Shuichi that returned to Yuki that afternoon wasn't the same one that left him... Somehow in the middle of all this, I fell in love with Ryuichi...but now that he's gone.... now that Ryuichi is no longer beside me to hold me, and smile at me...I feel, I feel something is missing; like something left a hole in my heart....'
'I'm falling in a hole... it's so big and, so deep that there is no end to it. The only thing I need to fill it is you-- Shuichi. But I know the hole in my heart will only grow more each day. Every time I see you, every time I think of you, this hole grows...and consumes me. I want to heal. I want to smile for real; I want to experience happiness, real happiness...'
"I wonder how it feels to be truly happy..."
Ryuichi thought he was alone; it'd been a while since he had locked himself in the studio to finish Nittle Grasper's latest song. It had been a long time since he'd heard the singsong voice he loved the most fade away.
"I can't tell you either, maybe Noriko knows." Ryuichi looked up in surprise after hearing Tohma's voice. "But I guess it must be wonderful."
Sakuma sighed and nodded. "I though you knew...aren't you happy with Mika-chan?"
Tohma sat next to him and placed his arm around the singer's shoulders. "I can't say I'm unhappy, but I'm not entirely happy." There was silence for a few moments. "Ryuichi..." And there was even more silence for a longer period of time, until finally the blonde cleared his throat and continue.
"I've wanted to tell you; actually, I've needed to say something to you."
Ryuichi look into the emerald eyes waiting for whatever the blonde had to say.
"I'm so sorry...for hurting you. I...I shouldn't have done something like that, not to you. You were, no, you are so pure...you didn't deserve my betrayal. The truth is I shouldn't accept our relationship in the first place because I knew I loved Eiri...I loved him from the start and I was only trying to fool myself into thinking I would forget about him that easily...but I didn't stop to think all the wrong I would cause you. I was selfish...I've always been. But, even if it's late...I want to apologize for breaking your heart..."
Ryuichi replied with a sad but comforting smile, and then added a pat in the back,
"It's ok...it's all in the past now, and this is a new beginning. I started a new life, and new projects for the new and improved Nittle Grasper. We were young and immature...I over reacted anyway...leaving so suddenly and right in the peak of our careers." He laughed lightly. "But here we are...God gave us a second chance; lets give our best."
Tohma smiled and nodded, and to his surprise find himself sharing a tight embrace with his old friend. "Arigato, Ryuichi-san."
The blonde novelist could've sworn he heard his own voice echoing inside his apartment, it seemed like it kept repeating inside his head again and again as a reminder that he was alone.
'For now...' He sighed, wondering why he could still hear the sound of his voice whispering in his ears...
'The empty room's probably affecting my sanity. Maybe I need to unlock myself from this confinement.' Yuki wondered, but then remembered he promised not to leave until Shuichi returned home. 'Maybe I'll finish the novel by then...'
He stood up to see what was left in the fridge. 'Leftovers- again. ' But he wasn't in the mood to cook, just like yesterday, so this would have to do. 'I have to be here when he comes back...alive and healthy or he'll be mad.'
After the not so delicious dinner, he sat down again at his desk, the one that was recently strategically placed in front of the door so he could see when his beloved return home.
"You're taking so long Shuichi..."
That night, Bad Luck prepared a reunion party to welcome Hiro. Of course, it was planned at the moment, so there was no time for invitations. That meant that the only ones at 'the party' were Shuichi and Hiroshi- but they still called it a party anyways.
Since Shuichi didn't had a clue about his best friend's relationship with their manager, the blonde stayed out of it, and Fujisaki went home since he was, after all, the youngest.
"Ne Hiro... I have to thank you for standing up for me. I though you hated me; but you did it all because you truly care. I'm so lucky to have a friend like you."
Hiro smiled; he was grateful that at least Shuichi recognized the fact that he was indeed a good friend and that he forgave him for his 'bad deed'. "It was nothing. You would've done the same for me, right?"
"Hum...let me think about it..." He mocked the red head.
"SHUICHI!" So Hiro played mad.
"Hahaha! Gotcha!" Hiro messed with the singer's pink head and smiled some more. Both felt content. "You're my best friend forever, Hiro... Even when I though you didn't like me anymore, I still loved you."
Hiro blushed, but smiled. "That sounded so weird in my head."
"Hentai!" They sat on stools and it was then that Shuichi remembered he'd never told Yuki he'd be late. "OH! Got to call Yuki or he'll be mad!" He dialed.
"Hum?" The blonde answered at the other end.
"Yuki! I forgot to tell you; I'll be late because..."
He cut him off. "Hiro- I know. Don't get back too late."
"Okay." He hung up and smiled. "He knew I was with you..."
"So he saw the news..." Shu nodded. "And Ryuichi was on them."
"OH!" Shuichi was thoughtful. "But, he didn't mention him, just you...so, he knows we're alone, right?"
"I don't know."
'He's probably with Sakuma...that jerk!' He swallowed down the entire can of beer.
"Dammit!" Then he kept typing. "Maybe I should join the party." He smirked. "Yeah..."
He got up and sighed. 'He won't expect THAT for sure.'
Ten minutes later, Shuichi received a call from Yuki.
"Where are you?" The blonde simply asked.
"I told you, I'm with Hiro."
"The bar Tohma always takes us to."
Shuichi lift his shoulders confused. "I don't know why he called."
"He's probably checking you're not lying." Hiro laughed hard. "He'll probably call every ten minutes from now on, just to make sure you don't get a chance to do anything with Sakuma-san." He laughed and laughed some more. "He's jealous! Muwahahahahahahahahaha! I can't imagine Yuki Eiri jealous! With that stone face of his!" He laughed even more, and then added. "I can't believe he's able to have some kind of emotion! I'm impressed!"
"That ice cold heart of his felt jealousy! WOW!" He just couldn't stop.
Shuichi was serious and giving him The Look.
"...He's right behind me, isn't he?" The guitarist hung his head.
"Yup." Hiro slowly turned around, just to find the angriest face he'd ever seen.
"KYAAA!!!!!" He ran off. "Se ya later Shu!!"
"COWARD!" Yuki yelled in disgust. "So that was what your lame party was all about? Making fun of me?" He frowned while looking down at his little lover.
"Yu-Yuki...you're actually letting others see you with me? In public?"
He cleared his throat. "You're avoiding my question. Is that what you do with your friends, make fun of me?"
"NO! Hiro was just... He was just surprised you called back."
"Hum.. Let's go, baka."
"But-" He sadly looked down. 'And I though we were spending time together... I should've known better than that, Yuki is embarrassed of me.'
"H-Hai." Shuichi followed a few steps behind the blond because Yuki demanded it that way. 'I can't even walk by his side...can't even dream about holding hands... Ryuichi always held my hand...and it felt real nice.' His cheeks turned slightly pink when he remembered the warmth of Ryuichi's hands. 'So nice.'
A month went by, and Nittle Grasper's new single was airing for the first time that morning. Everyone was expecting it, so was Shuichi. The young singer was sitting dumbly in front of the TV set. He nervously play with the remote control and Yuki was annoyed by it, but what annoyed him the most was Shuichi's desperate need to hear the new song and see the new video- both at the same time. Not the video itself, but Sakuma Ryuichi's new video, or should he say Nittle Grasper's new video.
"Stop it already! You're making me sick!" The writer protested in annoyance, but most of all he was crazy with jealousy. He didn't recall seeing Shuichi getting that excited and desperate when his latest novel came out, or when the first interview was made, in fact...he couldn't remember Shuichi even paying attention to it. "It's not like they'll never play it again. They will probably play it so many times that the entire Japan will get nauseous!"
"YUKI! Shut up, I'm trying to listen!"
Yuki was speechless; it was the first time Shuichi had told him to shut up, and all because of... "Sakuma Ryuichi...that is all you care about, isn't it?"
That was it! There was no way he will keep hiding and burying all the feelings he managed to swallow for the last month. He was trying to be a good lover, a considerate lover, but Shuichi seemed to be bewitched in a very disturbing way since he hadn't even noticed any of his efforts. Shuichi was evasive, and that adoring look in his eyes had faded.
'It hurts. His indifference hurts so much...it's what's making the hole grow.... I guess now I know how he felt every time I ignored him, and put him down with no reason. Now I know how it feels to be told to shut your stupid mouth. Now I know what is like to feel you are in the way, that you're annoying the one you love, that you're irritating the one you love, that you're not loved by the one you love the most in the entire universe.' He faintly smiled. 'I guess I deserve it. I cave the hole myself...now I'm falling inside. It's ironic how we switched places. I'm pleading for attention, and he is ignoring it...just like I did before. Isn't there a way to turn back the time and make it better? Isn't there a way to fix everything? Isn't there a way for him to look at me again the same way he is looking at that image right now? Isn't there a way for me to win his love back again? Isn't there a way to fill this hole in my heart once again, with his love and affection? Isn't there a way to stop my heart from hurting? Isn't there a way for me to stop holding on to him while denying again and again his love is gone?'
The video ended long minutes ago and Shuichi was still staring at the TV. His eyes were shining brightly and his mouth was wide open- looking like a REAL idiot. 'That song was about me...'
"Shuichi...?" The blonde murmured sadly, but the boy didn't reply.
"Shuichi..." He repeated, but nothing. This only made the blonde weaker and more insecure than before. 'He's gone...this time he really is gone. My love, my Shuichi left me...he left me with a hole in my heart.' A tear rolled down his face, but Shuichi don't even notice that rare event. Yuki Eiri was depressed, completely apprehensive, and most of all lost in an abyss of pain. "Isn't there a way...?"
Aizawa paid his time in jail. He was kept for only two months, but his career was practically over. He felt the world ended and that no one would ever get close to him again. He felt dirty, and while he walked out miserably, he looked up and then sighed in defeat. "I messed up...and I lost it all."
"Not all of it," A voice came from behind him; he turned around to find Ken's smiling face. "I'm still here, Taki."
"Ken...!" He was obviously surprised.
"Hey, don't forget about me!" Ma-kun showed his face as well and winked. "About time you got out, we've been waiting all morning."
"Ma, you too?!" He couldn't help it, he smiled and embraced them. "I'm so glad...you guys didn't give up on me."
"You learned your lesson, right?" Ken asked and Taki nodded. "Even if you fall you've always got to get up again. With each fall we learn a new lesson."
"Thank you." His eyes were blurred by tears.
"Hey, we missed you, especially him. He was going nuts without you." Ma winked and Ken could only blush.
"Oh, really?" He looked at Ken, only to find him looking down to avoid eye contact with him.
"I'm glad..." Taki's hand searched for the lowered face and lifted it up. "I'm so glad." And then he kissed him long and sweet. "I missed you too Ken-chan. I realized while I was there how stupid I was. I had you right there and didn't appreciate it, but not anymore- if you forgive me of course."
Ken nodded and smiled, and then Ma-kun cleared his throat and hurries them. "C'mon, don't make a scene in front of me! Get a room you guys!"
"You're just jealous!" Both yelled and then giggled.
"Ahhh...nothing's changed." Ma sighed and smiled, knowing that everything was quite the contrary.
"We did it!" Tohma exclaim happily. "Nittle Grasper is on top of the charts!" He showed the lists to Noriko and Ryuichi. "That means we haven't lost our touch." He winked and smiled widely. Mika was at the back, observing her husband's smiling face, finding that she could only smile back. She couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled like that.
'He's happy...Tohma is very happy.'
"I knew we could do it Tohma-san! What, did you think someone as talented as I am wouldn't make this band shine?" Noriko winked.
"Of course not!" The three of them smiled. "Ryuichi, you are awfully quiet. You don't like the news?" Tohma wondered why his friend was so quiet.
"Oh, no I am very happy. It's just..." He looked down smiling shyly. "I...I only wonder..." '...If Shuichi liked the song.' He sighed sadly. Ryuichi had managed to avoid Bad Luck's singer every time he appeared- always had an excuse to dismiss him and hurry out. Ever since the day when Shuichi and Hiro visited him at the studio to invite him for lunch, since that day he avoided him. He surely was busy, writing new songs, recording, promoting, rehearsing, and of course doing the video. But the truth was that he just wanted some time to forget and get his new life on track.
The new Sakuma Ryuichi was born with a new image and style. Ryuichi highlighted his hair with a lighter tone of brown, his sensuality was freed even more, and his sexiness was intensified. He needed a new look for the tour, a new image for this record, but most of all, he needed something to mark the beginning of his new life. Sakuma wanted to impress the world, and to do so he couldn't be the same... he needed a fresh new look. No one could sing like him, at least for the time being, and this was his moment to shine brighter than ever. Deep down, he was completely sure he only wanted to impress him (Shuichi); not the world, but still it was a good argument- right?
"I'm sure Shindo-san liked the song you wrote to him, Ryuichi. But why don't you go ask him yourself." Mika's face turned completely white after hearing her husband's words, now she understood why her brother was so down. Eiri was acting strange, well a lot more than the usual, and it was all because of Shuichi. She hadn't been sure that was the reason, now she was.
"Eiri-san..." She whispered so low that no one heard her. 'He's hurt!' Without a word she ran out.
"Mika-san!" Tohma called out when he saw her leave so suddenly. "Huh?" He was confused, and then Noriko explained.
"Probably got her period."
"OH!" Both males commented and rolled their eyes. "Women."
It seems to Yuki that Shuichi watched the same damn video every day.
It was really irritating, and most of all, depressing. He was tired, Yuki wondered why Shuichi was still with him, but couldn't say anything. After all, he was glad Shuichi was still around. But even when he physically was, he felt his mind and heart were someplace else.
'It is time...' Eiri managed to take the remote from his lover's hands and turn it off, but still he was silently staring at the now blank TV screen.
'Ryuichi... Ryuichi wrote that song for me. Ryuichi is hurting because of me... I hurt my Ryu. I never wanted to hurt my dear Ryuichi. I must take a final decision. In the end, one always gets hurt. But right now it seems we're all getting hurt...I'm sorry Yuki.'
He looked down sadly while holding on the tears trying to break free.
'I'm so sorry; I didn't mean for this to happen... I didn't mean to hurt you... To hurt you means hurting myself as well, but the pain I'm feeling right now needs to be ceased, and it can only be ceased by his love...by Ryuichi's love.'
The writer sighed once again and sat next to him. "Shuichi...you don't have to stay here, you know. After all, I never invited you to live here, you just move in by your own."
Shuichi didn't respond and it just made it harder for Yuki. 'How can I say this, if I don't want to let go? I need strength...to let him go.'
"I know I received you the last time, but that doesn't mean you have to...live with a guy like me." He swallows hard and took a deep breath trying to control his emotions- he didn't want to show his pain. "I know... I've noticed you are distant and absent when around me... I-I" He couldn't hold on, the tears betrayed him and now he was exposed to a surprised purple gaze.
'It's so pathetic...Yuki Eiri crying for love. For a lost love...it wasn't supposed to end like this. I was the only one that could decide when to end this, when I no longer needed him... I-I love you Shuichi...I love you. But I can't say those words...I just can't.'
"Yuki? Yuki, are you all right? What's wrong? Yuki, Yuki!" He shook the man shuddering right beside him several times, and as a response received the tightest embrace the writer had ever gave. "Yuki..." His eyes turned sad; Yuki knew about his feeling and was hurting. He was hurting Yuki, his dear Yuki...his beloved Yuki.
"Yuki..." He wrapped his arms around the shaky body thrown at him, and softly caressed the golden strands his fingers managed to find. 'If you had loved me, everything would've been different. If at least I had felt loved, truly loved by you...' The novelist was crying desperately in the singer's arms, knowing this was goodbye.
"Yuki, please don't cry. ...Please don't..." Seeing someone like Yuki Eiri crumble like that was the most painful scene ever witnessed, and it made Shuichi very unhappy. He felt guilty because he caused all that pain; it was his fault. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry Yuki. I'm sorry..." 'I hurt them both...' All those tears made him wonder if in fact Yuki loved him, so he could only do one last thing to try save their love. "Do you love me Yuki? Is that why you're sad?" 'If you do, if you do love me, maybe then...'
"..." But all he received as a response was silence. 'I do. I do love you Shuichi...'
'I need much more Yuki... I need someone who can tell me and show me the way he feels. Maybe I'm being unfair, but I've found a kind of love that makes me feel complete and not half happy. Your love always leaves me wondering and feeling sad...unsatisfied, and needing something more, but with him...that empty feeling is never felt, my heart fills inside and I feel like I'm glowing.'
'I lost my voice...I can't, even when I want to say it- I can't. There's no use...everything is lost. I would only look ridiculous. It doesn't matter what I say now; I already lost.' The novelist decided to say nothing so it wouldn't be harder for Shuichi to leave, so he preferred to make him think he didn't truly love him.
'I guess I'll never know the way he feels...I was never able to understand you Yuki.'
Ryuichi left for a walk in the park, it always relaxed him, even if it did reminded him of Shuichi. While he walked, he started viewing his memories in his head like a homemade movie. He saw everything he'd done up to this moment.
He was lucky after all, God gave him many gifts and one of them was meeting Shuichi. That boy made him smile for real, and that boy saved him from drowning in an ocean of tears. He still felt lonely, but he didn't feel miserable anymore. Ryuichi was determined to live a happier life from now on. No more lamenting, no more crying, now it was time to blossom.
"Arigato Shuichi...you changed my life. Now I can look forward, and hopefully better times will come. Even if you never corresponded this feeling inside, I'm glad that I loved. I'm glad that I chose you to love...in my heart you'll always be treasured and loved from a distance...from a long distance, my love." Ryuichi let out what he called the last tear, but who could've known that it really was?
Shuichi and Yuki were still embraced in silence. Yuki's tears ceased and his body stopped trembling for a while now. The purple gaze was hid behind soft eyelids nested in warmness. It was so sweet, that was the sweetest moment, and the closest moment he had ever shared with his lover. Unfortunately...it was too late.
"I'm sorry Yuki..."
"Hn." Only a sound was given in response.
"Even when I love you, I can no longer love you this way. You are and will always be special to me. I felt love in my heart for the first time because of you, but..."
"You need much more..." Not longer after, rain began to fall, and the soothing sound softened the sounds of the sobs inside the apartment. The minutes of silence that followed were broken by a loud growl from the sky.
"You are like the rain...cold and beautiful...can be rough or just mild...unpredictable."
"I do sound like the rain outside, growling and threatening... I know now the wrong I caused you, and the wrong I caused to Ryuichi too. Maybe it was revenge, or maybe just destiny. I once stole love from him, and now he is the one stealing from me. You only get what you deserve; it's the golden rule..."
"Yuki..? What do you mean? What do you mean by that?" Shuichi was confused.
"I...I knew Ryuichi was Tohma's lover and even when I did..."
Shuichi's eyes widened. "You were the one!" Yuki looked to his face confused. "You were he one with Tohma when Ryuichi walked in?"
He sighed. "I knew he was there, I heard him- Tohma didn't. And even when I was aware, I fucked him. What is worst is that I wasn't in love with him at all- I've never been, but Tohma was all I had and..."
"We were fuck buddies, nothing more. But Ryuichi, he truly loved him and I wrecked their love."
"Yuki..." Shuichi was disappointed, he never though Yuki was the one.
"So you knew about it?" The writer asked feeling ashamed.
"Just that Tohma betrayed him with someone else, but Ryu never told me it was you."
Yuki laughed. "He wanted to protect you... He loves you; maybe he deserves your love more than I do." 'At least I know you'll be in good hands...just wish they were mine.'
"Don't say that Yuki, you deserve love too. I will always love you, but I need someone that opens up to me and shares his love without fear or holding back- that is the kind of love Ryuichi has to offer. If you had shared your feelings with me, good or bad, I never would have looked another way. I realize I know nothing about you...nothing at all, and it hurts to know you don't trust me enough to share your past with me or are willing to share your present and future with me. I love you Yuki, and it is hard for me to leave...maybe one day fate will brings us back together, but now, right now I need Ryuichi's love."
"The door is open, always open... Maybe when you return, I would be ready to share my all with you." Shuichi gave him one last hug and walked to the door, but before he left Yuki said his last words. "The door is always open for you, Shuichi...whenever you're ready to come back...the door is wide open."
"Yuki...sayonara." He closed the door behind and didn't look back; just keep running ahead while giving the last tears for Yuki. 'Sayonara.'
It was the end, this time for real; it was the end of their story. "Shuichi...don't leave. I forgot to tell you..." Once again the tears fell down the writer's cheeks and they continuously fall for long minutes that seem like hours for Yuki. "...I love you."
After saying the words he tried so hard to pronounce in front of Shuichi, his facial expression changed from sad to melancholic. "So soon and I already miss you...but I promise to wait for you. The door will always be open for you Shindo Shuichi."
Shuichi had been trying to contact Ryuichi for hours, but he couldn't find him.
He soon found himself in front of Hiroshi's apartment, knocking on the door a few times, but nobody answered.
"HIRO! It's me, Shuichi!" He cried out one last time before sitting in front of the door completely frustrated and soaked. "Now that I want to find my Ryu, he's nowhere to be found." He pouted and shivered while trying to warm his skin.
Inside the apartment K tried to wake the redhead without much luck. "Hey Hiro, it's Shu."
"Hum." was all he managed to say.
"Wow, you're really worn out. I'll get it." Hiro didn't hear him and just snuggled against the pillows, while K slipped into some jeans. When he opened the door, Shuichi eyes were swollen for the many tears he'd already freed, but when he heard the door the pink ball of hair turn quickly to look up at the one he though was Hiro.
"HIRO!" He gasped when he saw K wearing nothing but a pair of unbuttoned jeans. He took a long suspicious look at his manager; his hair was loose and messy, and his eyes looked tired. It was then when he realized what was going on, so he gasped once more. "OH!" He blushed intensely. "I-I-I'm sorry!" He was hysterical-he never expected THAT! "I didn't know...I didn't mean to...interrupt." He swallows hard.
"It's ok; we're done for the night." He winked and Shuichi could only blush some more. "Come on in." He pulled the young man inside since the rain was still falling and the boy was completely soaked.
"Oh no, no, no...It's ok." 'Now what?'
"You'll catch a cold, idiot!" Shuichi's manager quickly throws a towel to his face and scolded. "You CAN'T catch a cold, what were you thinking?!"
'But...?' Shuichi ignored this since he was still shocked with the news about K and Hiro. "Aren't ya married K?"
The blonde manager chuckled and gave him a cup of chocolate, but Shuichi was still waiting for some sort of explanation. "My wife ran away a while ago, didn't ya know? I was dumped, but...I found Hiro." He winked while he grinned.
"OH!" Shuichi looked down, and drank from the cup. "That's... uh... good."
"C'mon let's wake Hi-chan." K slowly dragged him to the room.
When Shuichi got a look at his sleeping friend he decided to leave since he though it was completely unnecessary. "It's ok K, I remember I have something to do. Let him rest, we'll talk tomorrow." He walked away and suddenly stopped. "Take good care of him- or I'll use your own guns on you!" He smiled and ran out and K could only chuckled so hard that it woke Hiro.
"What happen? What's so funny, you idiot, I'm trying to sleep here." The guitarist rubbed his eyes while yawning.
"Shuichi...he was stupid enough to threaten me!"
"Shu-Shu...?" Hiro looked side to side hysterically.
"Yeah, he knows...how long were you planning on keeping it a secret?" Hiro's eyes turned soft. "Huh?"
"I guess it is safe to tell the world, Kei-chan." Hiro leaned down and placed a sweet kiss in the blonde's cheek. "It is safe."
Suddenly another roar of thunder rang and he remembered Shuichi. "That idiot did it again!" He frowned, "I'm going to kill him! He could at least change his clothes!"
Hiro then pouted. "Now YOU are the one worried about Shuichi and ignoring me!"
"Ha, ha, ha...you just got a shot of your on medicine."
"Baka." He pouted again, but after he felt K's warm lips against his own, he only smile. "But you can be a sweet baka."
Shuichi found himself in front of Ryuichi's apartment one more time, but once again no one answered.
"Dammit Ryu-chan...Where are you?" He slid down and waited for hours, but the man never showed up. "Better go...maybe this is a sign, maybe I made a mistake, maybe I do belong with Yuki..." He walked in the rain once again, and his body wouldn't stop shivering and shaking. Shuichi's bones felt cold, and his heart did too.
"I suddenly feel so helpless, so lost, so..." It felt right to look forward; in fact it felt like he had to look forward, and that maybe if he did he will find something important, or someone special- so he took a look around. "Nothing." But his heart was still racing and his eyes searched until he gave up and sadly looked down just to let more tears fall down.
"Where did you go? Why are you avoiding me? Why? It hurts...Ryuichi; it hurts not to see your smile. I want to see your smile again, once more...for me, just for me." He sobbed hard against his hands. "Maybe you forgot about me already, it took so long for me to figure it out...but now that you're gone I can't hold on. I...I want to disappear... If you're gone...
If you're gone, then I...
I don't want to go on by myself. I only want to go on with you by my side, with you...
With you holding my hand again, just like before. Now, I only have this pain and a hole inside my heart. I need you Ryu; I need you to fill my heart with love again...true love."
Shuichi looked up once again- the rain stopped and the sun was rising. "It's morning already..." The sunlight touched his face blinding his sight for a moment, but when he managed to focus again he saw a smiling face. "Ryu..." He rubbed his eyes and look again, and there he was- still wearing a smile. It looked like the light was coming out of his body, and to make the image even better a colorful rainbow was drawn behind him. "Beautiful...powerful...and colorful, that you are." He sighed. "I must be dreaming..."
The figure got closer and softly took one hand with his and squeezes it. "You don't have to go on by yourself. I'll hold your hand until the end of time and even further. If you need love, I have plenty and it needs to be given away, but the thing is my love would only be given to the one my heart chose, and that one is you and no one else Shuichi."
Shuichi was speechless and dumbly staring at the blue shining eyes. Another hand caressed his soft damp pink locks, and lovingly guided him to his arms.
"I've been waiting for you all my life Shuichi...and I thought I'd never hold you in my arms, but now you're here with me. Now I won't let go of you...I won't, my love, my Shuichi." Ryuichi closed his eyes while he whispered to the young singer's ears, and while he pressed the slim boy against his chest, the rhythm of his heart accelerated making it hard for him to breath normally again.
"Ryuichi..." The younger male wrapped his arms strongly around Ryuichi's waist and let out a cry of happiness. "Ryuichi!"
They embraced tightly for a few minutes, silently enjoying the sweet-loving feeling of each other's closeness. They could feel the fluttering in their breaths and the shivering of the skin, not only because it was still cold but also because it felt amazing.
"I would only promise to hold on to you as long as you love me. You're free, like a bird, and can always fly to another nest if that is your desire, but I will always be waiting for you to come home."
"Home..." 'Yuki said the same...' "I'll put my all in this Ryuichi, and I promise to do all I can to make you happy as long as we're together. No matter how long or short our time together is- I promise."
"Let's go home then." 'Together...we're together! This is a dream or a miracle from the heavens. Thank you, thank you God, thank you my angel Jomei...you really never left my side. Thank you...'
"You'll hold my hand?" His eyes shinned expectantly and received a soft smile in return.
"Always." He took his hand and walked away with him to his apartment. Shuichi never let go of Ryuichi's hand and didn't lose it from sight since he couldn't stop looking at their entwined fingers.
'He's holding my hand, and anyone can see us. He doesn't care; he doesn't care what others think or may say...he's free and I feel free too. Now I can love without hesitations.'
Once they got home, Ryu quickly got a towel and dry clothes for Shuichi. "Take a warm shower Shu-chan, I don't want you to catch a cold. I'll make some coffee."
"Okay." Shuichi grabbed the clothes and ran to the shower while wearing a huge smile that no one could erase. 'I feel happy... I found Ryu, I found love, I found it!'
Ryuichi prepared the coffee but felt very confused. 'How did this happened? How did he end up here with me? I must be having another dream or I'm completely insane. Shuichi is here with me, to stay? To love me? He was able to love me? Someone was able to love Ryuichi?' Once again the tears betrayed him and escaped in a rush. 'Someone will love me... I'm so happy...truly happy, for once...for once my heart is dancing with joy.'
Shuichi took his time and Ryu waited patiently in the kitchen while deeply thinking how lucky he was.
'Thank you God, thank you for letting me have him, at least for a while until he finds someone better...but hopefully he'll stay beside me forever... I know it sounds too long but it won't be enough time, it won't. The hole in my heart will finally be filled with love, with real love, with Shuichi's sweet love.'
"Ryuichi..." Nittle Grasper's singer quickly turned around to face his beloved; his expression showed that he was surprised to see him crying. "RYU! Why are you crying? Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? You...you want me to go? Is that it?"
Ryuichi smiled and softly caressed the rounded pink cheeks before him. "Of course not; I'm crying because I'm happy. I'm happy you're here with me now."
Shuichi sighed in relief and smiled back. "I am too." Finally, they were together, just like they wanted. "Ryu, I..."
But Ryuichi didn't let him finish and covered the younger singer's lips with a finger. "Shh. We'll have plenty of time to talk." He mischievously smiled, and slowly leaned down while enjoying how Shuichi's cheeks changed from a soft pink to a bright red. "I love you." He softly whispered, and their lips finally met. They slowly begin to rub softly against each other, dancing to the rhythm of their breathing. Shuichi felt his heartbeat rising so quickly he felt he was loosing his breath and opened his mouth searching for it, but Ryu didn't miss the opportunity to go for a deeper kiss and begin hunting Shuichi's tongue so they could play a different game this time.
Shuichi let him take control but planned to take control over later on, if his partner gave him the chance, but he was hoping things would be different this time. He was sure Ryuichi was not selfish and would do anything to satisfy him.
The touch of Ryuichi's fingertips against his skin delivered a thousand shivers to his body and provoked him to moan softly in his ear. They were so close, and he really liked to bite ears...
"Shu!" The boy giggled and continued to devour the soft flesh of Ryuichi and not long after found himself trapped inside his favorite singer's naked arms.
"Ryuichi... Thank you for choosing me."
"There was no one else I could've love...no one." He sealed their lips one more time before turning off the lights, but Shuichi couldn't be quiet at all.
"Hum...?" He softly responded but wasn't on the mood to talk and was hoping Shuichi wouldn't be in the mood for talking either.
"Can I be seme...later?"
Ryuichi laughed lightly and then stopped to look deeply into the purple eyes. "Of course my love, you'll be mine, and I'll be yours."
"Ryuichi..." He finally stayed quiet and simply enjoyed what his new love had to offer, which turned out to be a lot better than expected. 'So sweet and passionate...I should've known. Now I'm complete...no, now we're both complete.'
"How much longer are you making me wait Shuichi? It's been weeks...and I miss you." The blonde novelist looked at his watch. "He's not coming home tonight...maybe tomorrow he'll give me a surprise. Yes, I will see his smile again tomorrow."
Every day was the same for Yuki Eiri, ever since the day Shuichi left he'd waited for him to return back home, and unfortunately he truly believed Shuichi would return soon but didn't know Shuichi was happier than ever.
"I wonder what you'll say when you come back? You'll probably speak for hours until you drive me nuts, but I'll be happy because you're with me." He closed his eyes. "Hurry back home Shuichi."
Yuki was now alone, only Mika, Tohma, and even Tatsuha visited him often. Mika brought food for him everyday, and Tohma make sure all his bills were paid, but Yuki seemed to be lost in time. He didn't want to leave his apartment even once, but he kept taking care of himself to look good when Shuichi return.
"Goodnight Eiri-san." Mika softly whispered.
"I hope he forgets soon." Tohma sadly commented.
"I'm not sure...but we can't loose hope."
No one mentioned Yuki to Shuichi.
In fact, Tohma only said he had left the country to finish his novel in peace, and Shuichi though it was true. He was happy everything was going well. Bad Luck was getting popular and was touring with Nittle Grasper to promote their first record, and Ryuichi kept his promise and made a song with his love Shuichi.
The brunette felt like he was living a dream and because of that he lived each day to the fullest, to make sure he never wastes a minute of happiness.
'I found love at last... The loneliness I felt is completely gone. I feel like my life has just begun.'
Ryuichi smiled while he waved to the crowd cheering at him and Shuichi. The public was more than overwhelmed by their act, and the two singers were completely happy. They both held their hands up in the air and bowed one last time to the public after finishing that night show. Many more shows would come for them, and many more journeys they'd travel together. Even when they knew their lives would go different directions after the tour, they also knew their love would always keep them together.
STORY EXTRAS** (Short sequel):
You Really Loved Me
Two year passed by, and Shuichi was watching the news since he had nothing better to do. Ryuichi wasn't home yet and he was bored without him. It was then when he heard something that caught his attention.
"After two years of silence, Yuki Eiri appears and with a new novel to impress us all. The editor said the novel is different from his previous works since this one is written in first person. There are also rumors that say the main character of the novel is Yuki Eiri himself. The name of the character is never revealed and it can't be told if it was a woman or a man. But the novel promises to be the best he ever wrote, and it should be since it took him two years to write it!"
Shuichi was silent, and a little after the news ended, Ryuichi got home. "Shu-chan I'm home!" He hurried to his love's side and squeezed him. "Night Shu-chan!" He quickly placed a kiss on the lips.
"About time!" He pouted. "I've been waiting for hours! The food is cold already and I'm lonely." He pouted even more.
"Ha, ha, silly Shu-chan, but you know Tohma... I only managed to get away because I pretended to be asleep."
"Ha, ha! GREAT! I can't believe Tohma still fell for that trap! So, let me warm it up again!" He said, looking over at the food. He tried to stand up, but Ryuichi pushed him down again. "Huh?"
"Maybe later...I want to warm you up first."
"RYU!" His cheeks quickly turned pink and Ryuichi giggled after seeing the tender view.
"Ryu... I love you."
"I love you too Shu."
Shuichi was happy with Ryuichi but still found himself wondering about Yuki sometimes. The news was shocking for him, but he though that at least Yuki must feel better, and that he was probably over him, if he ever loved him. 'I always wondered if he loved me.... but it doesn't matter anymore because I found love- my Ryuichi.'
The novel was finally in stores and Shuichi managed to get a copy without telling anyone. He didn't wanted Ryu to think he was still in love with Yuki, but he was curious about the novel after he saw the cover of it. The cover was pink, the same pink of his hair, and had nothing written in it except 'by Yuki Eiri'. But when he opened the cover he saw why the title wasn't written- because it was shown.
He took his copy home and begins to read. He hid it under the mattress before Ryu got back home to avoid problems. But after reading the first page he knew it. Yes, Yuki was the main character and it was the story of his life. He tried to make it look like it was someone else, but Shuichi knew better. There were lots of hints that make even an idiot like him realize it was his story. It was not like Yuki to write about him...but after more pages he realized it was not about Yuki's life, but about Yuki's misery, and his worst misery was the lost of the one he truly loved. He got to know Yuki in a way he never imagined, and page after page he cried. He found out about Yuki's unknown past, and understood why he was so cold and distant. He felt for the first time he understood Yuki.
While reading the book he realized Yuki always loved him, but was never able to say it, and that made him feel terrible. 'I didn't give him a chance...I wasn't patient enough...and I hurt him.'
In the last page of the book, he realized Yuki's mental health was probably lost, or he simply decided it was a better ending, but still it seems so real it even gave him chills.
~ I never told him how much I love him, that was another of my many mistakes, but still today, I am staring at the door, waiting for the day he returns...~
"Yuki..." Shuichi's tears fell down uncontrollably after closing the book.
"You really loved me."
*This chapter beta read by AoiHyou* -THANKS AGAIN! =^.^=
A/N: Ok people don't kill me now. This is the end of my story, what happen, you decide. For me Shuichi only had one choice, but I made this ending so anyone can make their own happy ending. I concluded it- Shuichi ends up with Ryuichi, but for those of you who thinks Yuki still has hopes I left the door open. Thank you again for reading this story, and please let me know what you think. Good or bad it is welcome.