AN: Ugh, I'm so sorry I'm so slow, truly. Here's the next chapter! I really slaved away over this one, and I know it's kinda long.. but I really hope you like it.

Where we left off: Deeks kissed Kensi. Reggie is actually Ricky Puentes, an ATF agent. Kensi and the rest suspect Marco Costa might be coming after the ledger, which is a black box that contains all of Cappo's contacts and past transactions. The box can only be opened by blood samples from two different people and Kensi is half of the key.
:)

Chapter 18

"You could stay at a hotel", Callen said.

Kensi nodded slowly, not really caring where they sent her as long as she could get some sleep. She was beat.

"She could stay with me," Deeks offered. She glanced at him, not sure what to think of that suggestion.

"Or I could just go home," she said. "We don't even know whether Costa will be coming for the ledger. Maybe he's forgotten all about it. Maybe he doesn't care what's on it. Besides, it's been three weeks. If he was looking for me, odds are he's given up by now."

"Those are a lot of 'maybes'," Sam said. "Why risk it?"

She leaned back against her desk, irritated. "Because it's also possible Costa caught a stray bullet that night, crawled behind a rock and died. What if he doesn't show up today or tomorrow? How long am I going to have to stay at a hotel for?"

It was quiet as they pondered her words. She didn't want to be difficult, but she couldn't just hide out indefinitely because one guy may come looking for her. She slept with a gun under her pillow; let him come.

To her surprise it was Agent Puentes who was the first to agree with her.

"A hotel may not be the safest option either," he argued, "too many people coming and going."

Callen turned to Kensi. "Look, stay at Deeks' tonight. We'll ask around tomorrow, maybe somebody has heard from Costa and we can find him before he finds you."

"I can go to Crazy Kenny as Isabella," she suggested, but before she finished speaking both Deeks and Sam were already shaking their heads.

"You should stay put, Kensi. Let us handle this."

"But I could go back to Crazy Kenny as Reggie," Ricky volunteered. "She's right, he might know something."

It was early still, but Hetty had assured her there was nothing more to be done tonight. Going to the bathroom before they left, she ran her hands beneath the hot water and splashed her face with it. It had been a long day, and it showed in the mirror. She hadn't slept well before her flight, anxious about coming back home, and it had been a crazy four hours since Deeks had picked her up at the airport.

She went to her desk next, crouching down and opening her bag before grabbing blindly for the ledger that had sat on the edge of her desk. She stopped when she couldn't feel it, standing up to look and finding it in the center of the table. The green light on the screen came on as she shoved it in her bag. Damn Cappo and his flair for the dramatic. How he had even come up with such an elaborate security system was beyond her.

"Ready?" Deeks asked.

Kensi threw the bag over her shoulder in answer.

When they got to Deeks' she looked at his front door and wondered again if it wouldn't have been easier on her nerves if she'd taken her chances at a hotel. But Deeks would probably accuse her of running or shutting him out again... and he'd be right, she admitted to herself grudgingly, so she stopped dragging her feet and followed him inside.
He offered her a short respite in the form of a shower though when he caught her staring longingly at the bathroom as he put her bags on the bed. She'd gladly taken it.

Kensi walked out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later feeling like a sleep-deprived old woman, and probably looking it. She groaned with exhaustion as her butt hit the bed and laid there, eyes closed, planning on getting up to find Deeks... tell him about Costa... finish that talk they'd been having in the car on the way to OSP. She thought about the kiss in the car again. Wouldn't it be easier to just let it go? To keep the status quo? What if it wasn't right? Hetty, Granger, Sam, Callen, maybe even Eric and Nell, would disapprove. Wrong… the job came first. Why risk everything over something that probably won't work out anyway? And if it did, they'd have to go out everyday and save the world, not each other... she would put him in danger, they would put the rest of the team in danger… it was wrong, selfish, but that kiss… they should just have sex, let it burn itself out… his mouth on hers, her hands in his hair… that had felt 100% right…

The scream drowned everything out as it got louder, as if someone had turned the volume all the way up mid-scream. Kensi forced herself to move with the piercing sound, not realizing at first that she had caused it.

She was blind in the darkness, stuck in the mix of fear and adrenaline that had her heart beating wildly.

A heavy hand landed on her shoulder and she reacted instinctively by swinging her arm back and scrambling away. There was a grunt of pain behind her.

She had reached the foot of the bed on her hands and knees when she was grabbed and pulled backwards to the middle of the bed again.

Before she could struggle, she found herself face to face with Deeks.

"Kensi!"

The world snapped into place with the sound of his voice.

She couldn't see anything except for the glint of his eyes and the lighter yellow of his hair, but she felt the last of the nightmare fall away.

She focused on his eyes, couldn't look away in fear of losing the connection and finding herself back in that place.

"Breathe, Kens."

She realized she was panting, her breaths uneven gasps for air that had her a little light-headed. She raised a hand to his chest and tried to calm down.

"I'm fine, it was just a dream," she said breathlessly, trying to think. She had obviously fallen asleep after her shower, but she didn't know how long ago that was.

She could feel Deeks' steady heartbeat beneath her palm. He was warm and soft. It made her want to just put her head on his chest and stay there for a long time.

"Are you trying to reassure me while I'm trying to comfort you?" His tone was light and teasing, but his arms were tight around her, so she knew he was just trying to distract her.

She gave in and rested her forehead on his shoulder as he stroked her back.

"Of course," she mumbled, playing along, "you're much more of a drama queen than I am."

She felt his breath on her hair as he snorted.

"This coming from a woman who's afraid of a little back hair."

"Oh my God, not just two stray hairs, Deeks! Damp, sweaty, thick, curly back hair." She didn't have to fake a shudder.

He laughed and the movement shook her with him. "So I should definitely keep my shirt on around you then."

"You don't have back hair, Deeks, stop trying to freak me out."

"I didn't want to tell you this, sugar plum, but…," she groaned, "…it recently started growing in fast and bushy."

"Gross." She made a half-hearted attempt to move away from him, relieved when he immediately tightened his arms around her. She wasn't quite ready to let go just yet.

"No sweaty back hair, I promise," he whispered in her ear. "We'll wax it off when I hit middle age, okay?"

She started to laugh, but the sound stuck in her throat as what he said sank in.

We.

He had said it so casually, like it was a given that there would be a 'we' in 10 years. She closed her eyes, trying to picture it. Panic spiked through her when she couldn't. She didn't know if that was because of him or because she didn't have any idea what it would look like, but it made her sad nonetheless. She shoved it down for now and decided to let Deeks' comment slide too.
Instead she quickly ran her hands from his chest to his waist and pushed his t-shirt up to touch his back.

Deeks jumped a little at her cold fingers and Kensi couldn't help trailing her fingers upwards over his spine, distracted by the smooth skin under her fingertips.

The smell of his skin was intoxicating and she wanted more than anything to lift her head a few inches and kiss the soft spot between his neck and his collarbone.

"Kens," he whispered, his lips grazing her ear and sending goose bumps racing over her skin. He somehow made her name sound like an answer and a question at the same time.

He had her crushed against him and she wasn't sure whose heartbeat she was feeling pulsing through her and everywhere in her body.

Her half-baked idea of sleeping with him to get it out of her system was looking better by the second as she explored the muscles on his back with her fingers. Any plan that involved the removal of clothes...
She raised her head from his shoulder to look at him and froze, realizing she could see him. She hadn't noticed the room going from pitch black to blue as her eyes adjusted and it was a shock to see the piercing blue of his eyes staring back into hers. Kensi looked down for a second and realized his chest was barely covered by his shirt, which she had pushed up and almost off of him.

She cleared her throat, trying to reign in her sudden urge to do... well, Deeks.

"I had to check," she said, remembering the reason she'd put her hands on him in the first place. Back hair. Think sweaty back hair.

He laughed, but the sound was strained.

She stopped herself from clearing her throat awkwardly again, and pulled back from her partner… coworker… acquaintance… friend… hmm, benefits. Oh hell, this is not working. She extricated herself from the circle of his arms and pushed off the bed.

She glared as she looked down at him. He was rubbing behind his neck self-consciously, but even flustered with messy hair he looked sinfully good.

She didn't realize she had groaned out loud until Deeks asked her if she was okay.

"Yup. Fine. Good. Great." She briefly thought about slamming her head against the wall a couple of times until she could think and talk like a normal person again.

Deeks moved towards the edge of the bed and sat with one leg on the floor and the other curled under him in a deceptively relaxed pose.

"Want to tell me about the nightmare?"

She turned away, gathering her hair up into a ponytail just to have something to do with her hands.

"Mario Costa recognized me in Cappo's warehouse. I interrogated him once, he knew I was NCIS. I thought he was going to blow my cover, but instead he knocked me out."

Costa had promised payback in that office and had acted quickly. Before she could properly consider her extremely limited options, pain had exploded in her skull.

"I woke up cuffed to the pipes in the basement. I thought I was done-… but he wanted to have some fun first." She saw the shock on his face. "That turned out to be a good thing."

When he looked down at the floor before meeting her eyes, she hastened to answer his unvoiced question. "Cuts and bruises. And he held a plastic bag over my head a few times," she spoke quickly, not wanting to dwell on Costa's sick methods. "That's it."

Except for the fact that she'd believed she was going to die. Costa had taunted her, but he hadn't exactly been joking around, just trying to humiliate her before killing her. She was still glad he hadn't had the time to do more than grope her, considering he had boast of doing much worse.

"I was lucky. I had nobody coming for me. And I was out of options."

"How did you get away?"

"I didn't. Alex found us. And he was furious. He handed me a gun and told me to shoot Costa. Not like he did with you on the mountain… he wasn't forcing me to. More like… a favor, or a gift."

"And Marco Costa?"

"Out for blood." She glanced at him. "Mine. Cappo handled him before, but Cappo's dead now."

She saw the question on Deeks' face, grateful for what she didn't see: judgment, anger, disappointment.

"I didn't," she told him so he wouldn't have to ask. "I handed the gun back to Cappo, and…" she closed her eyes for a second, remembering how fast it had happened, "he shot Costa in the head."

"Good."

Kensi was shocked at his careless response. She was also… comforted. She had mixed feelings over Costa taking a bullet to the brain like that. On the one hand, she was a person first and a federal agent as a close second, on the other, she didn't care he was dead at all, so what did that say about her?

"I wanted to," she admitted quietly, because she needed to say it, and because it was Deeks.

"But you didn't," he said immediately.

"But I WANTED to! I thought about doing it! He'd be gone and I would have one less monster I had to check under the bed for in that house of horrors. That's what I thought when I pointed the gun at him. I wanted him dead."

She glared at Deeks when he did nothing but look at her patiently.

"I almost shot a man in cold blood because I was angry and scared and-… what does that make me?" she asked, more miserable than she could say.

"Human."

She studied him, but all she saw was patience and compassion. Something about his demeanor steadied her and she calmed down. He hadn't rambled on trying to make her feel better. Deeks could talk the ears off a wooden Indian, but when she'd wanted a fight, he'd given her quiet understanding instead.

He patted the bed next to him, gesturing for her to sit down. She plopped down on her back next to him, her feet dangling off the edge as she lay there staring at the ceiling.

"He nodded at me. Cappo. He looked at me and nodded right before he shot Costa. Like, I had asked, like he was doing it for me. So, I guess it doesn't matter who pulled the trigger."

"He saved your life." He sounded as shocked at that as how she had felt when it happened.

"His wife told him that that's what you do when you love someone. Make sure they're safe."

When Cappo had told her that, her mind had immediately compared it to how she was trying to keep Deeks safe and to how she'd always try to keep anybody she cared about safe, and the thought had been depressing. She didn't want to have things in common with the likes of Cappo. But she realized now that Cappo had had to be told that you protected the ones you loved. She wasn't that messed up, and she didn't want to be. Didn't want to have so many walls and barbed wire fences. She wanted to live in the normal, like Deeks.

"That's what Agent Puentes was talking about at the office. That's what confirmed Cappo's feelings for you." He looked down at her. "Did you feel like you owe him?"

"He saved my life." She cringed at her own words. Cappo may have saved her life, but he had threatened it more often. But dammit, she had come so close to dying in that warehouse, that, yes, she'd felt like she owed him a little.

"You need to let it go. He didn't want to be saved. He wasn't waiting for a way out, or if he was, he didn't know how to take it. You did your job. You didn't owe him anything."

"I've already let it go. But... thanks for saying that, Deeks."

She exhaled slowly, choosing her next words carefully. "I need you to know I didn't-… confusing, misplaced gratitude was the extent of my attachment."

"Okay," he said, and she looked up quickly at that one word. He gave her a half-smile. "Things got complicated and you did the best you could. I may not like it, but I get it." His head hit the mattress next to her. "And, I'm glad you're alive too."

The words washed over her. She hadn't known how much she'd wanted him to understand until he'd said he did.

After lying there in peaceful silence for a few minutes she turned her head to look at him.

His eyes were closed.

She counted to ten as she stared at the ceiling, gathering her thoughts before glancing at him again and studying his features nervously.

"Spit it out, Kens."

She was both surprised and amused at how acutely tuned into her he was.

"Could we try something?" she asked, quickly, before she chickened out.

He opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows as if to say 'this should be interesting'.

"Depends," he said slowly. "Do I need to stretch for this?"

Deeks grinned as she rolled her yes.

"Can we do a purge?" His face went blank, and she smirked.

"A… purge? Of what?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, secrets? Questions? No lying, no hedging, no changing the subject."

"Like 20 questions?" he asked.

"20 questions is a guessing game. I've had enough of those," she joked, and quickly added, "more like, Spanish Inquisition. Ask question, receive answer."

He narrowed his eyes as he seemed to consider her offer. She didn't know if she was more nervous about him saying yes or about him saying no.

"Works both ways?" he asked finally.

"Of course."

The grin he gave her made her want to immediately take back the deal.

"You show me yours and I'll show you mine?"

"Deeks. Why do you have to make everything dirty?"

"Because the look on your face when your mind goes there turns me on."

She felt like she got hit on the head with a shovel. If he had said that he and Sam and Callen were starting a boy band together, she wouldn't have been more shocked. Hell, if he'd hit her on the head with a shovel she wouldn't have been more shocked.

"What, have we not started yet?" he asked, his face the picture of innocence.

"Oh, Jesus," she groaned, covering her eyes with both her hands.

"Yeah, that's exactly what you say in my dreams too."

"Oh no. No, no, no, no," she whispered horrified, "what are you doing? What have I done?"

"Now you're turning my favorite dream into a nightmare."

She pulled her hands off her face and gave his shoulder a hard shove. "Stop it, Deeks. This was a bad idea," she complained.

He grinned. "It was a great idea. And it was your idea, so don't wimp out on me now, baby."

"I meant serious questions, Deeks. Things you actually feel like you need to know."

"I'll throw one or two of those in there," he said, but she knew he was teasing her. His eyes were serious, nervous even. "Your game, you start."

She took a breath and went with the question she'd asked a million times since leaving OSP hours ago.

"When I apologized at OSP for not having told you about the ledger, you said it didn't matter. Why not?"

It was funny, knowing he was frowning without looking at him. He wasn't quite following, but she liked that he didn't make any jokes.

"I was more worried about Costa. Besides, we didn't say anything to each other anymore after that fight before you left, so..." He studied her profile for a second. "I wasn't mad if that's what you think."

She felt a little silly, but then she thought about the doubts that had popped into her head in the bathroom at OSP and knew there was too much still unresolved between them.

"Kens?"

"Before I left, you said you didn't want us to be partners anymore, did you mean it?"

He shook his head quickly. The rustling sound loud in the quiet room. "No. Yes." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I was angry and we weren't working."

She nodded, glad that he used the past tense.

"When you said you would stay, did you mean at NCIS as my partner?" she asked quickly.

He hesitated. "Yes, but when I said I wasn't going anywhere I wasn't talking about the job."

She let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

"I can't believe you needed to ask that."

She turned to face him. "There is a lot of room for interpretation in what isn't said, Deeks."

They looked at each other for what felt like a really long time before he spoke.

"You came back because you thought I was quitting. Was that the only reason?" he asked quietly.

They could see each other well enough, but she was still grateful for the darkness. Some things were easier to admit in the dark.

"No." Her voice sounded steadier than she felt. "When I said I came back for you I wasn't talking about the job either."

She felt his fingers on the side of her face, even though she hadn't seen him move.

"You know how I feel about you."

Of course she didn't.

Kensi didn't doubt in what they had built over the past years of being partners. The bond between them was forged out of necessity, and it was real and special, but it was a much simpler relationship than the one they seemed to be heading for now.

"Really? Do you know how I feel about you?," she countered dryly.

"Touché."

She smiled, knowing his fondness for the word.

"We're kinda bad at this." He laughed and so did she. "Yeah."

"Sometimes-," he tucked her hair back before lowering his hand. "Sometimes I think I know. Sometimes I feel like you're right there with me. And then I lose you."

She looked at him, caught off guard by the abrupt changes in tone.

"It wasn't jealousy exactly. Although if I never hear Cappo's name again after this it's fine by me," he muttered. "I felt… like I was losing you. It was like I didn't know you anymore."

He paused and Kensi knew he was thinking of how to say what he wanted to say, so she stared at the ceiling and didn't interrupt, knowing it was going to be just as hard to hear.

"I thought we were getting closer this past year and then you freeze me out for weeks and I need to find out that you're shacking up with someone, that he's threatening your life, that he's threatening mine. I felt helpless, useless. And all you say is that you're protecting me and you look at me like you did in the gun cage…" he shook his head.

"You told me to trust you, and you just walk out," she turned to look at him and he met her eyes, trapping her with his gaze, letting her see the hurt in them. "You just walked out on me."

Kensi breathed, trying to ease the pain blooming in her chest, knowing there was nothing she could do to change it, and she wasn't sure there was anything she could say either.

"I'm sorry," she whispered after a deafeningly silent pause. "I don't know how to fix that."

It was quiet for a little while before he shrugged. "Me neither. Maybe you could just… not do it again?"

"Just like that?" she asked incredulously, wondering how he could just let it go.

"There is something to be said about beating the horse when it's already dead, right? It's done. Besides, we weren't… I mean, you were free to do what you liked, so…"

She slid her hand down the bed until she reached his, running her thumb over his when he intertwined their fingers.

"I suck," she said with a wince. That earned her a small laugh before he turned serious again.

He shook his head at her. "I don't think you know… Kens, I-" he sighed, "I would forgive you just about anything."

She swallowed hard, trying not to cry. The way he said it and looked at her, the memory hit her like a punch in the stomach.

"Why are you here, Mr. Deeks?" Cappo had asked the question while holding a gun underneath Deeks' jaw.

"I love her."

She had been devastated when he'd said it, knowing Cappo wouldn't take kindly to Deeks' words, but knowing Deeks would say anything to buy her some time.

It was the way he'd looked at her that had stuck with her even after the operation was over and she wasn't sure they could ever go back to what they used to be.

He was looking at her the same way now. His gaze was steady, yet urgent, as if he wasn't going to say anything else, but was making a dozen silent promises to her anyway.

"I won't do it again," she said, her voice hoarse. When he nodded, she looked up again, blinking hard against the tears that had gathered. She tugged at his hand after a few seconds. "I have one more question."

"Just one?"

"Do you think you're the weak link?"

It had bothered her when he had said the team considered him the weak link. Out of everything he'd said during that fight, that he thought he was somehow inferior because he was a detective hurt her more than anything else.

"Sometimes. I'm still not accustomed to all the security measures and your way of doing things on the job. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm not sure it's who I am. I'm not sure I could ever be that… isolated."

She squeezed his hand. "I know. You're not like us that way, but that doesn't make you less of an agent. I don't think you're the weak link, Deeks. We make a great team, you and I, and the entire team is stronger with you in it. They know it too."

He stared at her like he was a parched man in the desert and had just found water. She closed her eyes for a second as her heart broke a little at his expression. He knew they liked him, despite Sam and Callen's ribbing, but they weren't a very expressive bunch and apparently none of them, including her, his own partner, had ever told him he was important to the team.

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," he said a little shocked.

"I mean, even if you are the weakest link-"

"Ah," he groaned, "it was such a beautiful moment."

"Shut up," she said, smiling, "you think we're pretty good right? And we're only as good as our weakest link. So, that makes you pretty great. The kid's got skills, right?"

He laughed before shaking his head and staring at her like she was some sort of fascinating creature... possibly with antennae.

"Did I ruin it?" she asked, smiling self-consciously.

She hadn't seen him move but he was only a few inches away from her, his nose almost touching hers. "No, you're perfect."

She caught her breath. His eyes were bright and he was smiling, and she hadn't known she'd missed seeing him like that.
She ran her thumb over his chin and jaw, liking the way his beard scratched her, liking the way he closed his eyes as her thumb caressed the soft flesh of his ear. She leaned forward until her lips touched his. She held back and kissed him slowly with teasing little nibbles, taking her time, since unlike in the car, there was no rush to get anywhere. His fingers trailed up and down her arm, giving her goose bumps.

"I have one more question too," he whispered against her mouth and she tensed. "But I'm not going to ask it. You're not ready."

'Who's wimping out now' she wanted to quip, but kept quiet when she saw that same look in his eyes again, the same warmth and determination as that night on the mountains, so she took the small reprieve he offered and let him keep his question.
She was the bigger wimp and they both knew it.

"But, Kens?"

"Yeah, I know," she said quickly. "Next episode on Honesty Hour...," she narrated in a high-pitched voice.

He laughed, but before he could say anything else, she sealed her mouth over his, shutting him up. He sighed against her lips, the sound somehow both relieved and frustrated, and she felt the familiar shiver move through her as he gave in and kissed her back.

"The kid's got skills."

So sorry if they talked too much. I didn't want it to be like Deeks says "you kinda hurt me", and Kensi goes "woops!" and Deeks laughs and says "ah, love you boo". And I wanted them to be a little less cryptic and a lot more to the point. (I wanted that for the show too so that frustration may have leaked over into this chapter.)

Okay, I'm done. And btw, so is the whole Cappo thing. Deeks said it's done, so it is law. I hope Kensi's apology/honesty was sincere enough, so I hope none of you are still mad/conflicted about it.
Do you think I left something important (of the Cappo op) unexplained? Let me know, might still have time to correct some mistakes if necessary.
Obviously, Deeks and Kensi are not quite done yet, so hope to see you next chapter!

*Please review let me know if you liked this chapter or hated it or whatever.

Also, if you send me a deadline for the next chapter... I'll try to make it happen!* I do need at least 14 hours of sleep right now, so 31-05-2014 will just be laughed at and egotistically taken as a compliment, as in, so good you need it now... but, anything after June 1st will be taken very seriously. Pretty please? Need the motivation to write faster. :)

S.