Post CoLS angst because writing angst is how I cope with feels. Bit… freeversy. You've been warned.


Alec Lightwood is burning.

The flames lick through his veins with malicious heat, dancing, laughing as he burns.

It is pain beyond what he can comprehend, pain beyond what he thought possible, pain no rune can touch.

He is burning alive.

The flames char, leaving only destruction in their wake, burning everything that makes him human. Burning everything that lets him feel.


Alec Lightwood is burning.

A laugh, bitter, bubbles up, containing no mirth. Lightwood. Light the wood and watch it burn, burn to ashes,

ashes, ashes,






He is fallen.

In so many ways.

Once upon a time there was a boy who fell in love.

Once upon a time there was a boy who fell from grace.

Once upon a time there was a boy who fell




He hits the bottom.


And then.


And then Alec Lightwood isn't burning anymore.

Because he is ash. He is nothing, and nothing doesn't burn.

And in some ways, it was better when he was burning. Because at least then he felt.

Now he is consumed by nothingness. He is numb.

Once, he wished for numbness.

Be careful what you wish for, little boy.

The numbness eats at him in a way that the flames couldn't. He cannot move, can hardly breathe.

Grief is a paralytic.

Alec Lightwood is paralyzed by loss.


Alec Lightwood is ashes (ashes, ashes).

He gave everything he had to them, because he doesn't know how to do things halfway, and now, consequently, he has nothing left. He gave it all, and all has burnt to ash, and he is nothing, nothing.

The fire in his veins has long since burnt away.

He is cold, so very cold, so very frozen.


He is ice and ash.

Ice and ash and nothing.

And no one understands. They surround him, pushing and tugging and cajoling and trying to make it better and all Alec wants is to be left alone because he deserves it.

He deserves to burn. Deserves to freeze. Deserves to be nothing.

He remembers the pain in those yellow-green eyes and he knows he deserves nothing else.

They expect him to heal, expect that he just needs time. What they don't understand is that burning is a chemical change — irreversible. There is nothing left to heal, no fragments left to patch together, animate, pretend it's alive.

Alec Lightwood is nothing but ash.