Title: Do What You Have To Do
Grissom/Sara, AU, pg-13
Summary: 'The hardest part about walking away from you is knowing that you won't run after me.'
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, but the situation is. I'm not making anything out of this. Oh, and the song Do What You Have To Do' belongs to Sarah McLachlan.
Author's notes: This is completely AU. It switches between Sara's POV and a third person point of view. I hope it won't be too confusing. Thank you to Devanie and Marita for beta-reading. Also, thanks to Dev for the title, lucky for me she just happened to be listening to this song at the time :)
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
but I have sense to recognize
I don't know how to let you go
-'Do What You Have To Do', by Sarah McLachlan
I don't understand it. No, scratch that. I don't understand him.
Sara stood under the shower, letting the piping hot water cascade over her body. She didn't care about the temperature. Her mind was in turmoil, her eyes were red and puffy, and her hands were shaking.
Never a good mix.
She didn't know how it had got this bad. She hadn't even noticed it was happening. All she knew now was that things were not good. And they might never be good again.
Catherine said something to me the other day. Something about my relationship with Grissom. It really struck a chord. And not in a good way. Apparently I wasn't the only one to notice the deterioration of our relationship; it had been pretty obvious to the rest of the team for a while now. No one understood why, not even me. Probably not even him. Although that doesn't surprise me.
'You've got to sort this out Sara!' she had exclaimed in the break room the other day.
I had thought about playing dumb, pretending I had no idea what she was on about, and not letting up. Waiting until she did. But then I thought 'Come on, this is Catherine. A, she's smart enough to tell, and B she knows Grissom well enough, and probably even me, to see through it all.' And so that idea was foiled.
'Why me?' had come my quick reply.
I really didn't want to hear her answer. I knew what it was already, I wasn't that stupid.
'Because we both know he won't.' She had replied softly.
That was along the lines of what I was expecting.
No. Of course he wouldn't. Because that would involve showing some emotion, letting people in. No, Gil Grissom could never let that happen. Not ever. Not even for me. Wow, doesn't that make me feel special. A real ego-booster.
What was the point in even trying?
'We need to talk, Grissom.' I said to him after I had managed to corner him in his office, shutting the door behind me.
'About what?' he asked, looking up from his paperwork, and taking his glasses off.
'Us.' I stated simply.
His reaction was as expected. Blank.
'What about us, Sara?'
I guess he didn't pick up on the 'us' part of the equation. Tres Grissom.
'What the hell is going on between us?' I exclaimed, unable to keep my anger in.
'I'm not quite sure I know...'
I cut him off, infuriated.
'Don't give me that! Things have not been right between us in a long time, and I don't know why. Have I done something?'
I said the last part softly.
I hate myself for saying that, but I didn't care about letting the pain show on my face. I wanted him to see it, to see what he'd caused. Then maybe for once he'd sit up and take notice of what was going on around him. My mind flashed back to the last time I was standing there, just inside his office, in a rage rather similar, also caused by him. I suddenly felt rather childish, but I instantly regretted the feeling. It didn't make the feeling any less strong though, unfortunately.
He looked shocked for a split second, then pain, and then something else. Worry? Not quite. Panic? No. Affection? Quite possibly. Or maybe it was just my wishful thinking. For a second I thought he might actually come out from behind those walls that I so desperately wanted to break down with a sledgehammer.
Grissom, say something please. Don't leave me standing like this, in this silence. I can't bear it.
I knew it was showing on my face then. I knew the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
I don't care. You hear me? I don't care. All I want is for you to say something. Anything. Make my pain go away. And yours. For once, open up to me.
I'm not sure if I said any of that out loud. I might have done, as your facial expression changed to a look of pain. I could tell you wanted to say something.
But you didn't. I held your gaze for a second longer, then turned on my heel, pulled open the door, and rushed out. I ran into Catherine in the hallway, she tried to comfort me, but I brushed her off. I knew she's was going to go marching into his office right then and have a go at him for making me cry, among other things anyway. I felt like such a pathetic little girl acting and feeling like that. I heard the door slam behind her as she entered his office. I heard her voice rise in the background, but I wasn't really listening.
As I rushed out into the parking lot, I could hear Warrick and Nick calling out after me. I even heard footsteps as if they are running after me, so I quickened my pace. I didn't want to talk to anyone.
Anyone but him that is. I jumped into my car, turned the key in the ignition, and heard the engine rev to life, and then sped out of the parking lot at the fastest legal speed. Maybe even over the limit.
It's a wonder I made it home without getting into an accident somewhere. God knows I was speeding, but right now a fine is the least of my worries. I wondered what Catherine said to Grissom, and I wondered what Grissom's reaction was. I wondered if he'd come running after me, begging me for forgiveness, saying he loves me like I love him, and that I matter more to him than his work does. I stayed awake for a good few hours, just hoping that he'd come over and do just that, but eventually I fell into a tormented sleep, exhausted from the day's events.
So now, here I stand, under a shower that is much too hot for my own good, but I don't care. I have to get out of here, go somewhere, anywhere. I can't stand being around him if he's not going to pay any attention to me. I'll miss the few friends I've got here. I'll miss Nick for being a tease, and a really good laugh, but also because he's always been there for me, in that annoying little brother sort of way. I'll miss Warrick, the older brother type, who, after sorting out our differences, always looks out for me.
I'll miss Catherine too, believe it or not. I never thought I'd hear myself say that, but we've become quite close, especially after the whole Grissom thing. She's someone I really admire.
I'll miss him the most though. He's the reason I'm leaving, but he's also the one I'm going to miss the most. I hate how life is so fucking contradicting.
I don't know how long I'm going for. I don't know if I'll come back. I'm not going to do goodbyes, I can't hack them. I wonder if he'll miss me. I'm not sure of much at the moment.
One thing I am sure of though, is that if he came running after me, I would change my mind in an instant.
He didn't though.
I guess, in the end, he's too professional. He's always been too professional. His work comes before everything, his social life, his so-called friends. And me. Especially me. It must just have been wishful thinking on my part. I never really thought he'd come running after me.
Not really. Not now.