Okay, here is the first draft of my fanfic, bear in mind it's a really rough draft, and is definitely
open to tweaking and general mutilation to make it better. It's my first ever script, so I'm sorry if
I've not conformed to certain rules, restrictions, or whatever...let me know what you think. Oh,
and just in case you didn't know, all the stage directions/descriptions/etc are in (brackets)...well
here goes nothing...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this fanfic. If I did, then I
would be a whole lot richer. In actual fact, I own nothing but the word processor these words
are being typed on, so even if TPTB did decide to sue me for my less-than-legal use of their
characters, they would end up with less than they started with.


TEASER
(The Szalinski home, specifically the living room. Currently present is the whole family, with the
exception of Quark. Wayne is pacing up and down, his stance serious and formal as he
addresses the others, who are sitting on the couch, looking at him with curiousity)

Amy: (frowning at Wayne with teenager-ish impatience) Dad, not meaning to sound pushy, but
could you get on with it and just tell us what this meeting is about? I promised Jack I'd meet
him at the mall nearly twenty minutes ago.

Diane: Yeah, honey. I'm sure that whatever you have to tell us is really important, but I think
you're taking this suspense thing a little too far...

Wayne: (stops pacing and stands in the middle of the room, glaring at his family with obviously
wounded pride) All right, all right. You've ruined the moment now, anyway. I've called this family
meeting because there have been rumours flying around that you people are underestimating
me and my ability to do things for myself.

Nick: What **rumours**?

Wayne: Well...not rumours par se...but I have been hearing things, or should I say over-hearing
things. Anyway, I'm going to prove to all of you once and for all that Wayne Szalinski can do
anything just as well as anyone else!

Diane: Over-hearing? Wayne Szalinski, are you telling me that you have been eavesdropping
on us? Your own family! (pausing for a moment) Hang on...what do you mean you're going to
prove it to us? What have you done this time?

(There is a dead silence, during which time Wayne shuffles his feet nervously in an attempt to
maintain his facade of defiance)

Diane: Honey... (in a threatening voice) Start talking.

Wayne: Don't get mad yet, Di, you're going to be very proud of me. And you kids as well, so
stop pouting, and prepare to be amazed.

Amy: (under her breath) Where have I heard that one before?

Wayne: I heard that.

Diane: Just tell us what you've done, honey.

Wayne: Well, you know how Amy is going off to college at the end of the summer, and what
with the Chief's wedding coming up as well...I kind of figured that now would be the perfect time
for us to go on a little vacation...you know, like a final farewell to Amy, the last Szalinski family
vacation. So pack your bags, Szalinskis, we're going on a Caribbean Cruise!

Nick: Cool! (jumps off the couch and hugs Wayne)

Amy: (tries to hide the grin on her face) Yeah, cool. Thanks, Dad!

Diane: (frowning slightly) I think we need to talk about this...

Wayne: What's wrong, hon? I've sorted everything out. You don't need to do anything except
pack your stuff and get into the holiday spirit! Don't you trust me?

Diane: Errm...not really, no.

Wayne: (looking shocked) Well, how's that for gratitude? I go to all this trouble booking a family
vacation, and you don't have the decency to pretend to have faith in your beloved husband. I
sorted out our honeymoon well enough, didn't I?

Diane: No, your parents did.

Wayne: Oh...well, what about that trip we took to Mexico, just after Nicky was born?

Diane: That was me. All you did was lose the tickets.

Amy: And the passports.

Wayne: Ames, you're not helping. Especially considering the fact that I'm doing this for you as
a special good-bye before you go off to college. (turns back to Diane) All right, then. How about
the time we went down to the Grand Canyon?

Diane: Honey, driving the car without getting lost does not count as sorting things out...and if
you'll recall, it was only due to **my** navigating that you **didn't** get us lost.

Wayne: (looking miserable) All right, fine. But this time is different. (He is visibly getting angry
now) This time, everything will be perfectly wonderful. I've already booked the tickets, and we
are leaving in three days time, like it or not! (moves to storm out of the room) And we are
**going** to have the greatest and most memorable Szalinski vacation in the history of the
world! And that is final!

(He storms out of the room)

Amy: That went well. Can I go to the mall, now?

Diane: (chasing after Wayne as he stomps up the stairs) Can't we talk about this?

(As Diane leaves the room, Amy looks at Nick, who shrugs back at her)

Amy: (turning back to gaze after the departed adults) Fine, then. I guess I'll be back around half
eleven, OK? Oh, all right, then, eleven o' clock. No later, I promise. Thanks, see you later, then.
Don't worry about dinner, I can feed myself. Love you lots.

(She shakes her head and exits as well)

CUE OPENING CREDITS


SCENE 1
(A semi-crowded dock on a sunny morning, three days later. The Szalinskis are waiting to
board an impressive-looking cruise ship. Wayne is looking very proud of himself as he stands
and admires the scenery, Diane is searching for something in one of the bags in a state of total
panic, Amy is pouting sulkily at the ship, and Nick is engrossed in his newest invention, a small
handheld video game system)

Nick: Hah! Take that, Samurai scum!

Amy: (glaring at Nick) I still don't see why I have to share a room with the brat.

Diane: (looks up for a moment) Amy, don't call your brother names. (then resumes her fruitless
search with renewed frustration)

Wayne: We've been through this a thousand times, Ames. Nick is too young to have his own
room, and it was more economical to have the two of you sharing anyway. Besides, it's only for
two weeks, so stop complaining and start getting into that holiday spirit!

Amy: (sarcastically) Yippee.

Wayne: (sighs to himself and turns to Diane) What on Earth are you looking for?

Diane: The passports. Have you seen them anywhere?

Wayne: They're in my pocket, hon, as they have been for the past three and a half hours. Now
will you kindly stop worrying and relax? I told you I would sort everything out.

Diane: How do you expect me to "stop worrying and relax" if you keep reminding me of that?

Nick: (looks up from his computer game) Well, I have complete faith in you, Dad. I know that
you wouldn't do anything to mess up our last real family vacation. (gives Wayne a big grin and
returns his attention to his video game) After all the help you gave me designing this baby, I
don't doubt you for a second.

Wayne: Ah, yes. The Upgraded Szalinski Arcade Game Emulator, or USAGE for short. The
ultimate in portable game-playing machinery, and the first ever patent pending Szalinski & Son
creation. A revolution in gaming electronics. How's that new program you told me about? Did
you get those design flaws sorted out?

Nick: Yep. "Wonder-Nick and the Samurai Warriors from Outer Space" is now up and running.
Check it out. (holds the machine up for Wayne's inspection) I couldn't figure out how to give the
samurai warriors a really evil-looking face, though...the stupid system wouldn't let me download
a photo of Amy's hideous features...so I had to settle for vampiric monsters...

Amy: Why you little--

Wayne: Amy! Nick, that was uncalled for.

Amy: You brat, I swear as soon as we're alone, you are **dead meat**!

Wayne: All right, Ames, I told him.

Amy: (ignoring Wayne) You'd better sleep with your eyes open tonight, you little jerk.

Wayne: (appealing to Diane) Honey...

Diane: "Wonder-Nick and the Samurai Warriors from Outer Space"??

Wayne: (annoyed) Honey!

Nick: You try coming up with something better that doesn't involve copyright problems.

Diane: Umm... (thinks for a couple of minutes)

Wayne: (in despair) Honey!!

Diane: (turning to Wayne) What?

Wayne: You're supposed to be telling Amy not to kill her brother.

Diane: I thought you said **you** wanted to sort everything out.

Wayne: Everything to do with the **vacation**. Handling sulky teenagers is not part of my job,
it's yours. So you just keep me out of it!

Diane: Wimp.

Amy: Who are you calling sulky?

Nick: Gee, Amy, I would have thought even **you** could have figured that one out.

Diane: All right, that's enough.

Amy: (still glaring at Nick) You're not gonna get away with this, brat.

Nick: (putting on a miserable face) Mom...Amy's calling me names again...

Wayne: ENOUGH! We are **supposed** to be on vacation, and I've worked really hard to get
us here without any mishaps, so I'm expecting a little co-operation from you kids! Nick, stop
tormenting your sister. Amy, stop threatening your brother. And can we all just **try** to get in
the holiday spirit, please? Think about it...two whole weeks of sunshine, sunbathing, suntans,
and nothing but the wide ocean for a million miles!

Amy: And I'm stuck babysitting the br--errm, Nick.

Wayne: You're **not** babysitting him, Ames. All you're doing is sharing a room with him for
the sake of convenience. We don't expect you to keep your eye on him all day... (thinking for a
moment) In fact, you're both pretty much free to do what you want.

Nick: Cool!

Amy: Does that include drinking?

Diane: Absolutely not.

Amy: Not even a little, in the evenings...? I am nearly 18, you know...

Wayne: (firmly) No drinking.

Diane: Nothing illegal.

Amy: Well, so much for doing what I want.

Wayne: Have faith, Ames. We'll get aboard soon, and you'll have the best time on this vacation,
you just wait and see! You have Wayne Szalinski's word on that.

(He strikes what he assumes to be a heroic-type pose, which in actual fact is rather silly and
more than a little embarrassing for his family. Amy groans and covers her face, Nick coughs
discreetly then stares down at his computer game, and Diane giggles and kisses Wayne on the
cheek with an affectionate smile)


SCENE 2
(A corridor on board the ship. Wayne is wandering down it, studying the little numbers on each
of the doors that line the walls; it is clear that he is searching for their rooms. The rest of Team
Szalinski are following a little way behind him, looking less than enthusiastic as they try in vain
to keep up with him, while carrying all of the luggage between them)

Wayne: (mumbling to himself) 634, 636, 638...here we go, 640 and 642. (stops outside one of
the rooms and waits for the rest of his family to catch up with him) Amy, Nick, this one is your
room. (hands Amy one of the keys in his hand) Here. Get yourselves unpacked and generally
organised, and we'll be in to check on you in a few minutes.

Amy: (taking the key) Fine. But don't expect me to help **him** with any of his stuff.

Nick: (snorts) Yeah, like I'd need your help.

Wayne: Stop arguing, get into your room, and start unpacking.

Nick: Can't we explore the ship first and **then** unpack?

Wayne: No. Organise first, fun later.

Amy: Fine. (unlocks the door and steps unceremoniously inside, followed by Nick)

Diane: (turning to Wayne as the door closes behind the kids) Do you really think it's a good idea
to leave them alone together for more than two seconds?

Wayne: Sure. What's the worst that can happen?

Diane: I'm not sure I want to find out...

Wayne: Come on, Di, lighten up! They'll sort their problems out without any serious bloodshed,
they always do. You just need to have a little more faith.

Diane: Nick still has the scar from the last time I "had a little more faith"...

Wayne: This is different. We're on vacation.

Diane: Oh yeah, that's right. Why would they bother trying to kill each other when a well-timed
push from either one of them could send the other flying headfirst into the sea?

Wayne: You're such a pessimist.

Diane: (puts her arms around him) No, honey, I'm a realist.

Wayne: (grinning) Same thing.

(He heads over to the room next door to the one Nick and Amy have just disappeared into, and
tries to unlock the door. After a couple of seconds, the door finally opens and he holds it open
for his wife as she takes their luggage into the room. They stand and study the room for a few
minutes, taking in the area. It is not a particularly spacious room, with one double bed, a small
couch-type chair, and a coffee table. There is a large rectangular window, which shows a rather
boring view of the ocean, which extends as far as the eye can see, and a little door which leads
into a small, sparklingly clean bathroom)

Wayne: Well, what do you think?

Diane: Umm... (scrabbles for something to say) Nice wallpaper...

Wayne: (over-enthusiastically) Isn't it just peachy? So nice and cozy and--look! We get a really
great view of the sea! This is even better than I thought it would be! You've just got to be proud
of me now, honey! Isn't it the perfect little vacation bedroom?

Diane: Sure. It's wonderful.

Wayne: (turning with annoyance) You don't sound very enthusiastic.

Diane: You're doing a good enough job for both of us. (smiles) Really, though. It's lovely. Nice
and simple, even if it is a little cramped. (hugs him) I'm so proud of you, honey. I really didn't
think you had it in you to organise something like this all by yourself.

Wayne: Well **I** knew I could do it.

(He kisses her, and pushes her down onto the bed)

Diane: (giggling as she sits up) Aren't we supposed to be unpacking?

Wayne: No. Fun first, organise later.

Diane: That's not what you told the kids...

Wayne: (with a suggestive smile) I know. (pushes her back down)


SCENE 3
(Amy and Nick's room. The layout is very similar to Wayne and Diane's, but with two small
beds instead of one big one. Nick is sitting on one of the beds, playing his computer game, and
Amy is glaring at the bag that she has dropped onto her own bed)

Amy: Come on, Lord of the Losers. Dad said we're not supposed to have any fun until we've
unpacked, so stop playing that stupid game and give me a hand.

Nick: (doesn't even look up) Don't call me names.

Amy: I mean it. As long as you live under this roof, you live under my rules, so turn that stupid
machine off and give me a hand with the unpacking. It's **your** stuff too.

Nick: You're not the boss of me.

Amy: Don't make me tell Mom and Dad that you're being difficult...

Nick: (mutters under his breath as he turns his game off) All right, then. Fine. I'll help you, Oh
Holy Mistress of the Universe. What is it Your Ladyship requires?

Amy: (smiling) Well...

Nick: Sarcasm just sails right over your head, doesn't it?

Amy: Just shut up and unpack your stuff, there's a good little brother. I refuse to touch any of
your filthy little clothes, so make sure you put them as far away from my things as is physically
possible. Is that clear, you nerdy little creep?

Nick: (taking a couple of shirts from his bag) Yes, Oh Great One.

Amy: I mean it, Nick. You'd better behave yourself this vacation, because I am **not** about to
become your babysitter...at least not without being paid for it...

Nick: Don't worry. Mom and Dad aren't stupid enough to trust **you** with the protection and
care of their precious little prodigal son, anyway.

Amy: You are really asking for it.

(Before she has the chance to do anything to him, there is a knock at the door. Nick glances at
his sister with a smug grin on his face, and moves to open the door, letting in a stern-looking
Wayne, who stops halfway into the room, looking around critically)

Nick: Dad, Amy keeps being mean to me.

Amy: (whispers to Nick) Liar.

Wayne: Ames, I thought we'd talked about this. I know you're not chuffed at the prospect of
having to share a room with your brother, but--

Amy: Dad, he's lying. If anything, he's the one being difficult.

Nick: Am not.

Amy: Are too, you obnoxious science-geek.

Nick: See? She keeps calling me names.

Wayne: Will you two just stop it? All you've done since I told you about this vacation is fight and
argue with each other. How about, just for this cruise, you **try** and get along? It's not really
so much to ask, is it? I don't want to have to spend my entire vacation--which, may I remind
you, I organised completely by myself--playing referee while the two of you try to see who can
decapacitate the other quicker. Why can't you be mature about this?

Nick: Because I'm twelve and she's seventeen.

Amy: Because I'm a teenager and he's a selfish little brat.

Nick: Am not.

Amy: Are too.

Nick: Am not, am not, am not!

Amy: Are too, are too, are too!

Wayne: Kids...

Nick: Am not times ten!

Amy: Are too times twenty!

Wayne: KIDS!

(They stop arguing and turn to look at him)

Wayne: I'm not going to tell you again. I was hoping to keep this trip generally free of rules and
discipline, but it looks like I have no choice but to say that if I find either of you fighting again,
there will be a considerable punishment. And believe me, it will be a horrible punishment, the
mere thought of which will make you quiver with fear.

Amy: (sarcastically) I'm terrified.

Nick: I don't think she's taking you seriously, Dad. Shouldn't you punish her for that?

Amy: Argh, Nick, just shut up!

Wayne: That does it. Nick, come with me.

Nick: Where are we going?

Wayne: I'm taking you to your mother. She's better at this sort of thing than I am.

(As they head out of the room, Amy winks at Nick and picks up his computer game from the
table, where he put it down earlier)

Amy: (throwing the game carelessly at Nick) Don't forget this, Wonder-Nerd.

Nick: (catching the game) It's Wonder-**Nick**, you ignorant plebeian.

Amy: (yelling after Nick as he follows Wayne out of the room) You are so lucky I don't know
what the heck you just called me...


SCENE 4
(Back in Wayne and Diane's room. Diane is trying, and evidently failing, to unpack and sort out
their clothes, resulting in a devastating mess and obvious frustration. Wayne storms in, closely
followed by Nick, who is once again engrossed in his game)

Diane: (looking up from the mess to glance briefly at Wayne) Welcome back, hon, how were
the kids settling in? (notices Nick) Oh, hi Nicky.

Wayne: Where did I go wrong? (throws his hands up and sits down on the edge of the bed in
despair) I planned everything perfectly! What did I do wrong?

Diane: I told you, honey. You don't put a twelve-year-old little boy in the same room as a nearly-
grown-up teenager. It's the formula for disaster.

Wayne: (putting his head in his hands) No, **I'm** the formula for disaster.

Diane: Don't be ridiculous. Everything else has worked out fine so far. Whatever happened to
the famous Wayne Szalinski optimism that you were so full of before?

Wayne: It walked into the kids' room...

(Suddenly a horn sounds, and there is the sensation of motion. Wayne and Diane head over to
the window, looking to see what is going on)

Wayne: Great. We've set sail. So much for giving up and going home.

Nick: You do realise that this is all Amy's fault.

Diane: How do you figure that?

Nick: She's impossible to get along with!

Diane: Then try harder.

Nick: Easier said than done, Mom. This is **Amy** we're talking about.

Wayne: Nick, it only takes one person to walk away from an argument.

Nick: So why does it always have to be me?

(Before Wayne has the chance to respond to this, Diane steps back away from the window and
sits down heavily on the bed, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. Wayne watches her with
concern, and then moves to sit beside her)

Wayne: Honey? Are you all right?

Diane: Mm...yeah, I'm fine...feeling kind of queasy, that's all.

Wayne: You want to lie down?

Diane: No, I think I'll be okay...it's just a little motion sickness.

Wayne: You sure? You're looking very pale.

Diane: Yeah...it should go away in a few minutes. (takes a deep breath) I hope...

Wayne: I brought some of my chemicals with me. If you want, I could mix up some medicine
that'll settle your stomach in no time.

Nick: (giggling) You mean like the last medicine you mixed up? The green stuff that was meant
to stop my tonsils from hurting when I had tonsilitis... (turning to Diane) If he's planning anything
like that, you'd better run for your life while you still can.

Wayne: That was different. My skills have improved since then.

Nick: Well, you couldn't have gotten much worse, could you?

Wayne: Nicholas Bradbury Szalinski, that was totally uncalled for and highly disrespectful! If I
say my skill have improved, then by Newton's dead goldfish, they have improved!

Diane: (weakly) Really, honey, it's nothing. Don't trouble yourself.

Wayne: Oh, it's no trouble, hon. It won't take a nanosecond to mix the formula. You'll be ship-
shape again faster than you can say "lithium hydroxide".

Diane: I wish you wouldn't...

Nick: You'll be wishing it even more in a couple of minutes.

(Wayne is already searching through the luggage for his chemicals. After a couple of seconds,
he takes out a couple of beakers, each one half-filled with unnaturally-coloured liquids, and he
begins to pour the contents of one beaker carefully into the other. He repeats the process a few
more times, until he has used up four different coloured beakers and make a horrendous mess
all over the table. When he has finished, he holds up a large conical flask filled up to the rim with
a thick liquid that is a worryingly bright shade of luminous pink, and carries the flask over to his
wife, who is now laying down on the bed, looking miserable)

Wayne: Here you go, hon. Drink up.

Diane: You seriously expect me to drink that? It looks like a cross between something from an
alien species and one of Amy's fashion lipsticks.

Wayne: (holding the bottle up to the light with a paternal smile on his face) Don't judge a Wayne
Szalinski home-made seasickness remedy by it's colour, Di.

Diane: But it's **pink**.

Wayne: So is Calemine Lotion.

Nick: You ever tried drinking Calemine Lotion?

Wayne: No...but...

Diane: Forget it, honey. I know you meant well, but I think I'd sooner suffer in silence than drink
something that looks like it could be a special guest on Star Trek.

Wayne: It'll make you feel better.

Diane: I feel fine. Never felt better. Wonderful. Fantastic. (smiles at him and stands up, swaying
unsteadily on her feet for a few seconds before groaning and clutching her stomach) Or maybe
not... (carefully lays back down again, moaning softly)

Wayne: Come on, honey, what have you got to lose?

Diane: Well, my lunch for one thing.

Nick: (standing up and moving to study the contents of the flask) Yuck.

Wayne: Don't you "Yuck" me, young man!

Diane: (closing her eyes) Please don't make me do this...

(Wayne holds out the bottle, looking at his wife with a hopeful expression on his face, which he
keeps on until she opens her eyes again. Nick follows his father, still studying the pink liquid
with scientific fascination. Wayne glares at him warningly)

Wayne: Honey...I promise it'll make you feel better.

Diane: (sitting up, she sighs loudly and takes the bottle from her husband) Oh, all right. It can't
exactly make me feel much worse, can it?

Nick: Oh no! It's the tonsilitis story all over again!

(He lunges towards Diane, in a juvenile attempt to grab the bottle from her. Wayne yells out and
stumbles backwards, letting go of the bottle, and Diane does the same. The bottle crashes to
the ground, spraying bright pink gloop everywhere, including over the carpet, the bed, the table,
and Nick and his computer game, which sparks precariously)

Wayne: (annoyed) My remedy!

Nick: (in complete despair) My game!

Diane: (groaning) My stomach! (jumps up from the bed and runs into the bathroom)

Wayne: Nick, look what you've done!

Nick: It's not my fault! You were going to poison Mom!

Wayne: I was **not** going to poison her. I was going to cure her. I don't know what's gotten
into you, young man, but I suggest you snap out of it pretty soon! (visibly furious) Now go back
to your room, and help your sister finish unpacking, and if I hear another word from either of
you that is **anything** but positive, then there will be serious repercussions! Is that clear? (not
giving Nick a chance to respond) I am **very** disappointed in you.

Nick: (looking miserable) What about my game?

Wayne: (stops fuming to stare at the sparking machine) Just leave it here. I'll try and figure out
what's wrong with it later. Now get back to your room.

(As Nick skulks out, slamming the door behind him, Wayne turns to the bathroom door, which
Diane has closed behind her. He coughs discreetly and knocks)

Wayne: Uh...honey...?


SCENE FIVE
(Nick is walking from Wayne's room, when he is approached by a well-muscled individual in a
Ninja-type outfit. The stranger makes some incoherent sounds and proceeds to demonstrate
some rather impressive moves to Nick, who stares at him in surprise)

Nick: Hi there. And you might be...?

Stranger: Do not play the fool with me, Wonder-Nick! I know you plan to overthrow our great
master, and I will put a stop to your righteous plans with my Ninja Darkness. HiiiYahhh!!

(He once again performes some Ninja moves, all of which come no closer than six inches from
Nick's body. Nick watches him, unimpressed)

Nick: Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?

Stranger: I will destroy you, Wonder-Nick. You will not be allowed to reach our master without
serious internal bleeding. Prepare to suffer, do-gooder!

Nick: Oh-kay... (starts to back away from the obvious lunatic) Hey, wait a minute...did you just
call me Wonder-Nick? (thinks for a second) Uh oh. (runs towards Wayne's door in desperation)
Dad? DAD!! Open the door, now! (bangs desperately on it)

(Wayne opens the door, looking very angry. Without a word of explanation, Nick runs into the
room, and pushes the door closed behind him, almost decapacitating his father as he does so)

Nick: Dad...I think we have a problem...