all i ever wanted was this, and now i finally have it. this is my life now, everything thing has changed and not for the best. looking back i now finally see that everything i had and wanted after all was there. i was just to stupid to see it.

people would tell me that some times , what you want isn't whats best for you. and sometimes you are just too afraid to love that you take all the feelings you have a hide them away. that the worst thing to do is hide your feelings. that sometimes you have so much love for someone that you take it for granted.

the person that said these things were right.

all along i knew exactly how i felt for that person. i just wouldn't let myself act upon it. and maybe if i had, i wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

the forest is my only friend now, my sanctuary. before this day i never realised that this is no way to live.

i was perched on a really tall pine tree, with am over view of first beach. just looking at it brings back so many memories, they were good ones before. but now they're the most painful.

happy memories thats all they will ever be,...memories.

i found myself gazing at a couple on the beach. and i just happened to know them really well, to well. they stood hand in hand by the water edge. there was the one person who's face i would give anything to get rid of. my own daughter.

what kind of person am i. i hate my own husband, envy my own daughter. but none of it is her fault, intact it's mine. i was just to stubborn to see what was right in front of my eyes that i let the one thing that really mattered to me slip away.

i was glaring at my own daughter, for finding her love. love that should have been mine. her arms where wrapped around his neck and bringing him in for a course he complied. i watched as they shared a passionate kiss. as she kissed those soft, pink, pouty lips. lips that should have been mine.

i should have been the one who had their arms wrapped around his neck.

i should have been the one who would be able to hold him in my arms.

i should have been his imprint.

i should have loved jacob black.

not my daughter.

i heard him say to her that he had something to ask her.i could hear him all the way out here, thanks to my super vampire hearing.

"renesmee Cullen, you have won my heart. and you saved it. i have never loved someone as much as i love you. you are my reason to live and to breathe.i would die a thousand times to just see you once, because you are my everything. i trust you with my heart and know you will never break it. renesmee Cullen will you do me the honours of becoming renesmee black. will you marry me?"he said as he got on one knee and opened a small velvet box.

renesmee had tears in her eyes and flung herself into my jakes arms.

"of course i will mary you jacob black!"she squealed.

my heart clenched.i felt like someone had got a smouldering iron rod had been punched into my chest.i couldn't take it.

i jumped out of the tree pushing it over and just ran. i could tell you that is a vampire could cry, i would be having a breakdown.

i ran and ran, not knowing or caring where i was going.

no matter how hard i tried i couldn't get those words out of my head 'renesmee Cullen will you marry me'

those words pierced my heart. i had really lost him.

i had lost my jake.