Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. If I did…it would go like this when Bella is about to jump in New Moon (She doesn't willingly jump by the way) and Jake would be with Bella. And Edward would burn in…finish that sentence yourself. Hope you enjoy it. Currently, a one-shot. Let me know what you think. Sorry, for any grammatical errors.
"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
I felt the cool wind brush my cheek. Sometimes, it almost felt like a slap. A bitter numb slap to the face. Tears sprung into my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away. I was told not to cry. I should do a science experiment on why this liquid forms whenever you feel angry, sad, or happy. It doesn't make any sense to me.
I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take away ever talking to that glitter, un-tan, rosy lipped, dead, constipated Gerber baby looking self. However, I couldn't. No matter how much I begged and pleaded to forget him, I couldn't. Life was not that kind. Perhaps remembering isn't so bad. I mean, if it weren't for remembering how would you ever move on from the past and make better choices. I guess that's why everyone says, "I'll forgive, but I won't forget," that's what my mom says. My dad on the other hands says "Forgive and Forget."
Yeah, sure. Like that will happen. Why forget? Why let go of this…this anger? Why do people want to forget the pain? The pain that whelms inside of you like a burning flame, evolving into a fiery furnace, then exploding inside of your heart…almost feels good…too good in fact. It makes you feel that for once you are living.
I know it doesn't make much sense, but even in the midst of my nightmares, I embrace the pain. I embrace the hole threatening to tear me open. I embrace the prickling heat between my fingertips as it presses down on my chest to feel my cold, yet steady beating heart.
The sun. It's always been so bright. I don't see why. Even with the clouds hiding its brilliance, it still shines bright and never stops. Suppose, that's how I should view myself, eh? Unfortunately, I am not the sun. No, he's the sun. The one that's always been there for me. The one that even when the dark gray cumulus clouds come and the black blanket falls over me, he still shines just as brightly as he would on a regular day.
One could say I was envious of him. They were just being honest. In fact I am envious of the sun, my sun. He always has this bright positive mien, which everyone is attracted to. I attracted the dead. I mean come on! Maybe some of that moonshine would spark a light in me. I saw Jake drink some of it a couple of times.
Oh, what am I saying? Even my dad has more friends than I do and he's the Chief of Police. He should not have friends. Even as I continue this little mini ramble in my head, I feel nothing. I just feel nothing. That pain…it's gone and all that's in its spot is numbness.
I want that pain back. I welcome it. I welcome it with open arms and a bright smile.
My mom says I should forget the pain, bottle up all my pain and ship it off to, "I officially don't give a damn, island." Perhaps, that is why my mom is so naïve, so innocent. She wishes to indulge herself into the simplicities of a wondrous life, which entail happiness.
Perhaps, that's why she left my dad. She could not handle the pain of…of…losing her sanity when she lost my brother. My dad reminded her every day about the child they lost. Maybe it was his mistake that he couldn't let go. Maybe it was my mom's mistake that she could never hold on.
She left me for two whole years. She could not bear looking at my father or myself. It reminded her of the pain. The pain of labor, the pain of hearing your child not cry, the pain of losing the child that you had created…that was too much for her. I don't blame her for leaving.
Besides what would staying in the gloomy town of Forks do for her? Nothing. What would Arizona do for her? Nothing. That didn't stop her from thinking that though. She tries to cover her scars, but every once in a while they open like fresh new wounds threating to bleed excessively, until they are sewn back together again.
I wasn't my mother. I didn't cover my scars. Scars, they were my battle scars. The scar that James gave me…I looked at it every day to remind me of the pain, my pain. I'll never let go of it. Maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I was born with defects that the doctors could not have possibly noticed.
My throat began to burn due to the air I kept inhaling through my mouth. I didn't want to breathe through my nose. It took away all of the impurities and filtered them. No, I wanted the impurities just for this one time.
I could hear the wind whistling and the trees whispering to each other of a storm about to come. I could taste the salt of the ocean beneath me. My bleary eyes scanned down to the waves crashing into the rocks. The water looked so cool, so inviting. Slowly, I began to take off my shoes.
I stood there for a while, waiting just waiting. I didn't want to hear his voice. In fact, I kept this mantra in my mind saying, "Don't think about Edward. Don't think about Edward." I didn't. I did not yearn to hear his silky smooth voice laced with concern about my wellbeing. He should be thankful. I let him go, but I kept onto the pain that he gave me.
My fingers traced my chapped lips, the skin peeling off like paint on a bench. I could still feel his cold touch on my waist, pleasant, yet so, so very cold. I could feel his breath tickling my neck sending shivers down my spine not only from the cold, but from the words he whispered. I lifted my eyes to the sun hidden behind the clouds.
I could feel heat emit from his body. I could hear his infectious laughter bubbly from his lips as he caught me before I fell. I could see the yearning in his eyes as I reached out to cup his face. I could…
Jake…he didn't bring me pain. He took it all away. I didn't want him to take my pain away. I needed my pain. I needed it to survive. I needed it in order to breathe. I became angry with myself. Angry because for a split second I forgot the pain. I forgot what it felt like to be hurt.
I couldn't let Jacob heal me like Neosporin. No! I didn't want to be healed. I wanted to stay broken. After all….my puzzle pieces are everywhere and I'm a 1,000,000 puzzle piece. Think you could find all of them?
The wind pushed my back, inching me forward as if daring me to jump. My hands balled into fists. I was almost surprised I didn't lose my balance. Again, the wind pushed angrily, as if upset that I had not moved on my own.
Instead I stayed there, a lump forming in my throat. I…I need my sun. My heart broke and there was this pain settling inside. Another gust of wind shook me and propelled me forward. A scream escaped my lips.
I did not want this pain. I was falling to fast! Jake! Oh, God Jake! I love him, my sun…I'm losing my sun. At this moment there was nothing that I wished more than being able to fly. A feeling settled in my stomach and I felt a premonition. My breath shook and my eyes became clouded with tears. I couldn't form a coherent though.
Ah! The pain, is this what a heart attack feels like. The waves swallowed me whole, greedily licking me up into its mouth. I thrashed and thrashed. The water was cold, so cold. Sharp prickles wounded my body. A wave brought me up. That gracious wave brought me up for air. I could glance at the sun beginning to burst through the clouds.
The sun has never seemed so happy or so brilliant. Don't taunt me, I thought.
More waves quickly sucked me in and another scream lurched from me, but was quieted by the water filling my lungs. Desperation clung onto me like oil. I was hit constantly. I tried to fight it…oh I tried to fight it, but soon I gave up. Eventually, the pain takes over and you have to give yourself up.
Oh, Jake please take away all of the pain.
That was my last thought, before I succumbed to the deep darks waters of abyss.