I'm officially the most uninformed person in all of District Thirteen. First off There's a District Thirteen? It's supposed to be destroyed! Second there's apparently a rebellion. Third I'm their figure-head? People need to start telling me things.
We've been here for... God it must have been a little over a month since we all got here.
The moment we arrived everyone went into full work mode, even me surprisingly. Though there really isn't much I can do as of now. Everyone else is working on battle strategy or training exercises.
We've been getting new arrivals, close to everyday. Apparently the war's in full swing. Refugee's pile in, soon very memorable faces appear.
My sister arrives with a large group. Gale and Madge are with her, along with Delly and Peeta's family. I haven't talked to Peeta since we arrived. I live with my mother, and yes I am avoiding him.
I can't tell if it's even my fault this time. I just can't be around him it seems too soon almost. I feel like it's partially his fault that I lost the baby. Mom has even gone so far as to suggest divorce. But I don't think I could do that.
I haven't told Madge, or Gale about the baby either. Not when they're so excited about their baby. Plus they would probably give me sympathy. Something I don't need anymore of for a long time.
I relive that moment too much at night anyway, I can't keep bringing it back every time someone asks me. Not in my waking hours.
There's a Victor's meeting today. I'm sitting between Annie and Johanna, Peeta and Finnick directly across from us. I have a sinking feeling this happened on purpose.
I know I should talk to him, I really should, but can you blame me for not wanting to?
"Alright people, let's make this fast." Coin says walking in. First she gives us an update on the war, apparently we've won over District Nine late yesterday. As of now Districts One, Two, Four, Five, Six, Seven, and Ten are still fighting. She takes out a folder, "Now for the real reason I brought you all here. I need one volunteer."
Something in the word volunteer compels me to raise my hand. Coin looks up and sees only me, "Alright Everdeen, this packet's yours. Solo mission in District Two." She says holding out the folder for me to walk up and take.
"Hold on a minute." Haymitch says as I take the folder, "You're just going to let your Mockingjay go alone?
"Yeah, that's what solo mission means Soldier. On her own
"No back up or anything? Are you mad, she's your symbol for god sake?"
"The symbol of the rebellion should be doing something for the rebellion wouldn't you agree?"
"Well yes but a solo mission?"
"She's a big girl she can handle it. Survived a Hunger Games you know."
"She just miscarried." Peeta speaks up.
Coin looks up at him intently and then at me. I speak up, "Tell me ma'am when did we arrive here?"
"About a month and a half ago, Soldier, why?"
"I lost a baby a month and a half ago then and it is in no way affecting my health as of now." I look over and Peeta for a moment, his eyes beg me not to go.
"Are you mentally stable?"
"I believe so." I answer.
"I see no reason why she can't go." Coin says transferring the folder into my hands. "You come with me so I can explain further. Everyone else is dismissed." I follow Coin into the next room over where she explains it's a simple testing job. Just some simulations and training to see how the rebel forces are doing out there.
I head back to my room for packing. I'm focused completely on my mission when I hear, "Kat!" From the other end of the hall. I turn around and see Peeta standing with Finnick and Annie, "Kat? Can we talk."
"Wow let me just get over the shock of you actually using my name first." I say sarcastically.
"Look I understand you're angry with me," Peeta sighs.
"Wait you understand me too! How wonderful! Just like you understood me last time?"
"Come on Kat please? We need to talk this through."
"I'm not ready to talk this through Peeta. I can't tell who I'm angrier at. Haymitch and Johanna and Finnick for telling you I was lying or you for believing them. Until I decide I don't think you'll want to talk with me. Especially after what my mother said."
"Can we just try?" He asks.
I sigh, "Fine." And follow him into his apartment. The other Victors are there. "What is this an intervention?"
"No, we can go to my bedroom if you want." He tells me.
"No stay we wanna watch." Johanna says.
I face a soundless Peeta, "Well?"
"Kat I've told you I'm sorry. I honestly am. I didn't know..."
"You should have trusted me. You married me-"
"Dumb mistake number one!" Haymitch calls out. I glare at him.
"I know, and I was stupid for a lot a of things."
"You've got that right!" Johanna laughs.
"Alright maybe we should talk when you find time to be alone." I say and begin to walk out.
"Wait, I'm sorry really."
"Yeah Princess he's sorry." Johanna laughs cruelly.
"Kiss already!" Finnick says, "Seriously kiss and have make up sex. That's what married couples do. Right?"
"Seriously are you kidding me?" I ask, "You brought me in here to humiliate me in front of our friends?"
"Kat I didn't mean it like that, we just have to talk."
"Peeta you have to understand that people bashing us like this is flat out disrespectful. It's disrespectful to me, to you and to our marriage. I have to pack anyway."
"Kat we're not done talking about this."
"Come get me when you actually want to talk and not dick around." With that I walk out and pack my things for tomorrows journey to District two. Hopefully there I can sort at least myself out.
I find once I've arrived in Two I like it very much. It's not home, but it's outside and there are trees. Two of my favorite things.
There aren't many people in the small base I've been sent but I find I don't mind so much. All of the people I've met are extraordinarily uninterested in anything other than work, which I appreciate very much.
When I'm not working I'm allowed to hunt in the surrounding woods.
I really missed the fresh feeling of actually being outdoors. It's been a couple of months since I'd been in the woods.
The work here is good but not too tiring, after hunting we cook one meal and eat in our designated sleeping areas. Normally during this time I write letters. To my mom mostly. Sometimes I write letters to myself, reminding myself of a good hunting area or of a good idea I'd had in the day. Once I write letters to myself and mom I write other ones.
I don't address these. Normally I end up reading them to myself late at night. These letters I write to Peeta, and Haymitch, sometimes Johanna, even Annie and Finnick. I'll write To Gale and Madge. To anyone who comes to mind.
Normally they're apologies I'd never say. Sometimes I write out conversations to make myself feel more at ease. Like if I just write these letters I'll follow one of them when I get back to them.
I've been here for two months. We've won over Districts Seven and Ten. The rest are still waged in war.
Right now I'm finished my meal, I'm sitting at my tiny little desk writing an unaddressed letter to Peeta.
"Since all of this has happened I'm not quite sure what to think about anything anymore. I know that I'm still upset about the loss of our baby. I know that I'm still trying to find what piece of me are left. But I also know this, you are my husband. We got married of a reason. It's because we love each other. We got married and while I may have been scared at the time, that doesn't mean I love you any less. I know that you're probably just as devastated about the baby as I was. But here's the thing. You left me alone. I'm trying not to be angry at you but the fact is, you left me alone when I needed someone. Anyone really. You are supposed to be the one person who is always there, even when you're angry with me you're supposed to be there."
That was all I'd gotten to write before the bomb dropped.