I always felt that my existence wasn't needed by anyone. Even in the presence of my previous friends, prior to me coming to the order, I get that feeling of being not needed. Well I admit that Master sometimes made me feel needed, when battling Akuma at least since he didn't want to fight, but it really changed when I entered the order.
Everyone accepted me whole-heartedly, even treating me as their family member, but still, I keep on getting that feeling at times. Of course it can't be helped in my line of work, sometimes bringing people into danger even if we don't want to; I know that of course.
That is why I understood Miranda's feeling so clearly. Having no one but yourself to rely on, 'coz everyone around doesn't want you. It was what I felt most of the time back then, after all.
So when I met you, I didn't think that anything would change. Little did I know that you're going to be the reason why I always feel like I'm needed right now. More than what Lenalee, Komui, or anyone had been able to make me feel. It was all you, Lavi.
Since meeting you, I learned many lessons in life. So much that you became my best friend almost immediately. But above all, you made me feel that I was always needed.
Like me being alive was a great thing in itself. Like every breath I take was a blessing; that, even though it causes us problems right now, you were grateful of what happened in the past as it enabled us to meet each other at present. That me keeping myself together was your reason to live on.
Always saying things that makes me happy or encouraged, if I didn't know any better, I would have thought that we're like together or something. But of course, that wouldn't be possible since it was obvious that you liked Lenalee. And you were like that with the others too.
And as it was, I gradually fell in love with you. I began to be more selfish when it comes to your attention. I wanted you all to myself, but it was getting hard to hide that. I think Kanda has some suspicions about it already.
So when you suddenly asked me on how you should ask Lenalee for a date, I forced myself to swallow my feelings for you so that you wouldn't know. I continued to do so, even after the both of you got together and all that. But there was one time that I couldn't take it anymore that I hurriedly excused myself from our table saying that I didn't feel good.
You looked like you wanted to say something to me, but forgot it as the other's talked to you again. I just wished they hadn't.
After I turned the corner from the canteen, I ran full speed towards my room not really caring how I bumped into people at times. All the while, endless tears were flowing from my eyes as I cried for my hopeless love.
But as I was nearing my room, I saw something, or rather someone that surprised me. There was Kanda leaning beside my door obviously waiting for me. Not bothering to wipe my tears, since he already saw them, I came up to him and asked why he was beside my room door.
His answer, however, didn't surprise me.
"So you finally can't take it, huh?" He said as he straightened up.
I quirked my eyebrows at that, "What's with you, Ba-Kanda?"
He shrugged, in his own way, and said with a parting hug, "You'll get over him".
I was shocked by the hug, since Kanda NEVER gave hugs to anyone, but what surprised me more was what he said. I know that, that was to encourage me but they don't understand.
Lavi BECAME my whole existence. He is a part of the reason why I always return to the order with a smile on my face.
But I guess Kanda is right. I HAVE to get over Lavi. I wouldn't bare it if I lose my friendship with Lavi. Not one bit.
And now, even if you can't hear my feelings Lavi, please listen to me. Thank you for being there when I needed someone to hold me up when everything else was holding me down. Thank you for believing in me when others can't. Thank you for making me feel needed. Thank you for giving me a reason to be alive. If it weren't for you, I'd probably be dead right now. Without you, I may not have survived everything that happened.
But I'll try to be independent from you from now on. I'll try to live my life for everyone not just for you. I'll be the person Mana wanted me to be. I'll live on from now on, without you.