We sat in silence for a moment, I instantly regretted saying what I did because I don't even want a relationship...not with a boy. I put my hands on the table and stood. "I've got to go." I quickly said "I have made you upset, no. Awkward. I am so, so sorry Sherlock. Thanks for lunch." I shimmied my cardigan on and looked at Sherlock, his eyes almost like a puppy. He was confused, vulnerable yet completely aware. I started to walk when I heard an incredibly ear deafening smash of a plate. I turned to see Sherlock stood at the table with his plate on the floor. "What was that for?" I questioned, walking up to him pointing at the mess on the floor. "And what was that for, John? Asking a question, thinking you know the answer, and then sulking off?" His voice was raised, almost shouting. I stood back and shook my head from side to side. "There was no need for that." I ordered. "And was there any need for you trying to guess what I feel?" He almost whispered. "Then what do you feel?" I replied.
We stood in silence after I said that for what felt like a painstakingly long time but we were then cut short by Lestrade walking in shouting "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" He walked up to us and then stopped at the plate of food on the floor. "You are so lucky there aren't anybody else in here." He now sounded disappointed. "We are sorry." I replied, looking down at my feet. "Damn right you are." He sighed, rubbing a hand over his cheek and then through his hair. "Right." He began "You guys go away now, you've caused enough damage for one day." Lestrade walked over to behind the main desk and brought us out our coats, we took them in silence and I thanked him for the meal. As we left, I saw Sherlock turn and scowl as Lestrade was speaking on his mobile. "I can't go fucking anywhere." He then said at a harsh whisper.
When we got outside, the parky winter air hit us like a brick in the face. Sherlock raised the collar of his coat and stared ahead, not saying anything. I took out my phone from my pocket and text Mike. "We are on our way – JW". It was less than ten minutes of complete silence till I got a reply "Ok, usual spot." I put my phone back in my pocket and we both carried on in silence till we reached the entrance to the woods.
Just as I was about to place my hand on the fence to climb over the barbed wire fence, Sherlock stopped me by grabbing my wrist and then saying "I am sorry for earlier." He looked at my face for a second and then turned to the ground, removing his hand from around mine. "I reacted wrongly. I am sorry." He sighed, flattening his coat collar. "Don't apologise." I began, putting my hands in my pockets to stop myself from looking any more awkward. "I was completely in the wrong." I trailed off, his eyes were lowered and he looked almost…sad. All life drained from him. I put my hands on his shoulders and weakly smiled, pulling him then into a hug. He placed his hands on my waist and he almost felt full of life again. "I am sorry." I spoke into his neck. "It's alright." He replied. I then noticed how awfully uncomfortable this position was. I was practically on my tiptoes, leaning completely into my roommate with my arms locked around his neck. I slowly pulled out of the embrace and nodded to the fence. "Want help getting over?" I asked, leaning against the wooden post. "Please." He replied.
After helping Sherlock awkwardly climb over the fence, with somehow getting kicked in the face, we were well on our way through the woods to meeting the rest of our posy. It was now getting darker and much colder, Sherlock being the skeleton and idiot that he is didn't put any extra jumpers on. "You're a berk, you do realise." I said whilst concentrating on not putting my foot in a rabbit hole. "And yet you still talk to me." Sherlock replied playfully, bending over to pick up a stick. I walked on a bit further "Well, I kinda have no choice as you're a lonely bastard." I said back, and got no reply so I turned around "Sherlo-" I was cut off by a group of twigs being thrown at my face, I stepped backwards and tripped on a log, landing straight on my backside. "You little shit!" I shouted, spitting out pieces of mud. "You 'kinda' asked for it." Sherlock replied, enhancing 'kinda' to mimic myself. He walked over with the biggest smile on his face and grabbed my arm to pull me up. "Thanks." I huffed. We heard the distant shrieks of Sally and then the almost 'roar' of Anderson. "In that direction, then." I muttered, starting to walk on. As I went to, I felt a sudden prang of coldness on my hand, I turned and saw Sherlock holding it. I stared at him unknowingly and he stared back, not blinking once. I opened my hand and kept it touching his, he got the message and entwined his fingers in my own. I gave him a gentle smile, and we stayed close together and gently holding each other's hands until we were in viewing distance of our friends.
After helping Sherlock awkwardly climb over the fence, with somehow getting kicked in the face, we were well on our way through the woods to meeting the rest of our posy. It was now getting darker and much colder, Sherlock being the skeleton and idiot that he is didn't put any extra jumpers on. "You're a berk, you do realise." I said whilst concentrating on not putting my foot in a rabbit hole. "And yet you still talk to me." Sherlock replied playfully, bending over to pick up a stick. I walked on a bit further "Well, I kinda have no choice as you're a lonely bastard." I said back, and got no reply so I turned around "Sherlo-" I was cut off by a group of twigs being thrown at my face, I stepped backwards and tripped on a log, landing straight on my backside. "You little shit!" I shouted, spitting out pieces of mud. "You 'kinda' asked for it." Sherlock replied, enhancing 'kinda' to mimic myself. He walked over with the biggest smile on his face and grabbed my arm to pull me up. "Thanks." I huffed. We heard the distant shrieks of Sally and then the almost 'roar' of Anderson. "In that direction, then." I muttered, starting to walk on. As I went to, I felt a sudden prang of coldness on my hand, I turned and saw Sherlock holding it. I stared at him unknowingly and he stared back, not blinking once. I opened my hand and kept it touching his, he got the message and entwined his fingers in my own. I gave him a gentle smile, and we stayed close together, gently holding each others hands until we were in viewing distance of our friends.
When we arrived we saw them all sitting down among the damp leaves and just lazing about. The shrieking had long died down and now Mike and Stamford were discussing football as Sally and Molly were discussing hair and plaiting each others. As we joined the group, Mike turned to face us. "About time!" He almost shouted, standing up and slapping my back. "We're thinking of heading our way back to our room now." I went to speak, but after not talking for a while I awkwardly coughed. "Yeah." I stuttered "that's cool." We started walking in our little formation of Stamford and Mike, Molly and Sally and then Sherlock and myself.
Sherlock and I didn't talk much at all for the first leg of the journey. All I could think about was his hand around mine and 'what on earth would dad say?'. But then I never really listened to Dad's rules when he was with me. If he really enjoyed me as a son, then he wouldn't want me unhappy. All the pain and grief was his fault. All the booze and reckless behavior was him, and him only. Him being gone is his own fault, and now I want to relish the happiness that the loss brings. Before I went on to think some more, I blinked back into reality. I was bent over with my hands on my knees and breathing heavily, my fists curled into balls. I was surrounded, but at a respectful distance, of my friends. One was rubbing my back and soothing me, I looked up to see a very concerned Molly. "Thanks, er." I straightened back up and stretched my leg, Molly gave me a worried but gently warm smile and she joined Sally's side, Mike nodded his head and walked on with Anderson; followed by the girls. I stood for a moment and just looked ahead, I turned to face Sherlock and smiled weakly. He put a hand on my shoulder and we started to walk.
After a while, we were approaching the school gates. Sherlock's hand had moved from my shoulder and the back of it was gently rubbing against the back of mine, we kept the contact discrete. We spoke a bit but we both enjoyed the tranquility of the silence.
I'm still unaware of Sherlock's feelings. He might just be one of those friends which physical contact is something that is meant to be within a friendship. I've never heard him talk of a crush or a celebrity that he likes, he's never told me anything incredibly personal about himself at all...but everything I do know, regardless of how tiny it is, makes me realise the importance of this ridiculous human being that everyone seems to hate. He has kept me sane and weakened my pain.
Before I knew it, we were all creeping back into the room we all left a few hours earlier. Somehow, Mike had managed to speak to Mrs Hudson and borrow one of the unused TV's that were stored on the ground floor; and so he and Anderson carried it up and put it on Mike's desk. I moved Sherlock's and my bed across the floor and left them close together so we could lean against the wardrobe instead. Stamford gathered food by rummaging through one of the draws and pulling out all the sweets and drinks we didn't drink before and placing them in the pile of things he'd bought that day.
Around one hour later, we were all sat in the dark watching the horror. Mike and Molly in Stamford's bed, Sally and Anderson in Anderson's, and Sherlock and I were in our beds on the floor. The movie was predictable and I'd seen it plenty of times before, but I kept glancing to Sherlock beside me to see how he was reacting. I could feel him jump slightly every now and again as he jolted my whole body as he rested against me. Our duvets were, again, pulled to our chins because of the lack of heating. I turned to face Sherlock who was almost shivering and was so absorbed in trying not to jump at scary moments that he kept forgetting to. I slid my hand gently from my duvet and under his and took his hand. He turned to me quickly and then smiled, we put our hands down between us under the duvet and loosely kept them together. No one would notice anyway, it's far too dark. And then when a frightening moment would come or when one has just been, I'd trace circles on Sherlock's hand with my thumb and pass him some food that he, at first, threw across the room in protest because of the evening before but then accepted my trust and happily obliged to the sweets.
When the film had finished, Molly was completely under the covers as Sally and Anderson were left cackling at the ending. Stamford bounded across the room and flicked the main light on; I quickly removed my hand from Sherlock's and threw my covers from my neck. "Well that was shit." I muttered whilst allowing the top half of my body to fall from Sherlock and onto the carpet the other side. "That was not shit." Molly revealed her face from the under the duvet "I don't think I'll be able to sleep again." I laughed gently and moved my foot so it was resting against my roommates. "Well you certainly won't be sleeping tonight." Mikes laughed, Anderson then breaking from a 'heated' kiss, with Sally, and then shouting "That's what she said." "That doesn't even make sense!" I replied whilst rolling myself up in my duvet and standing to hobble across the room and jump on Mike, but before I could; he pushed my shoulders and I stumbled onto Sally and Anderson who were snogging intently till I crushed them both. "Christ, John!" Sally moaned and then laughed, shoving my side so I fell off the end of the bed and then back next to Sherlock. "Hello, again." I said calmly whilst lying there looking like a sausage roll. Sherlock sat up on his knees and stared at my face, he glanced up to look at the rest of my friends who were all now in deep conversation. "Hello." He breathed quietly whilst staring at my mouth. His hair was falling from his head and was almost touching my face. His shirt's sleeves were rolled up and were resting against his thighs and he leant down and put his lips close to mine. They weren't touching, but we were close enough to feel each-others breath. He pulled away and smiled at me and then turned to face Mike. "Shall we be off for our walk, now?"
We'd been walking for a while now. It was dark and cold, but we were all still marching out over the field in the direction of the start of the woods. Sherlock stayed to my left and the others all to my right. We laughed and joked about kids in our classes and what homework we have and should've been doing over the weekend so far. After reaching the edge of the thick, dark and damp woods we turned back to make sure we weren't being followed and Mike gave us a briefing. "Stay between the goal posts to our right and the fence to our left. And don't go as far as the wooden post at the end." He finished, throwing me a torch and gently passing Molly his. "Normal groups?" Anderson spoke, his whining voice echoed the air. "Yes." Stamford put an arm around Molly. "Watson, you two go first." I turned to Sherlock who was staring blankly at the floor, he titled up his neck and smiled back at me. "Come on, you." I nudged his hand and so we started to make our way through the trees and brambles.
We reached a corner of the boundary and I leant against the post. The tiny glimpse of sunlight and the moon left an eerie tint of blue to the bleak woods. The trees stood bare without any leaves, and as we both breathed; the parky air left a mist around our mouths. Sherlock jolted his head up as the sound of people walking and whispering disappeared. "About earlier." He threw himself to me and placed a hand on the fence to lean against and he pressed his body almost against mine. I looked from his eyes and then his lips. "No." I said sharply. "No!" I raised my voice and pushed him away. "I...can't." I spat. He looked at me and blinked three times. "John." He began. "You want this, tell me you want it." He ended. "I've barely known you a week and now you're wanting to shove your tongue down my throat? Nicely played, really. I applaud you." I said sarcastically whilst throwing my arms in the air. He went to open his mouth but abruptly closed it. I turned around to stare at him. "You know why." I barely even whispered. "But he's gone now, John. He's from your life." Sherlock almost pleaded. "But he was still my dad." I sighed into my hands whilst sitting at the trunk of the tree. "I don't want anything like that, okay?!" I shouted. "John-" "Just get lost." I said coldly. A few moments later, I saw Sherlock turn and walk away.
I'd been sat within the leaves for a while, I completely lost track of time and I had blocked out all sounds. I felt my heart jump and so I slowly led down amongst the leaves to try and hide my snuffling nose. I wiped my nose with the sleeve of my jumper, it smelt faintly of my roommate. My ridiculously handsome and petulant roommate. I dragged my knees to my chest and pressed my face between my thighs and silently sobbed. It was getting later and colder, and the silence grew heavier and more daunting. But I was in no state of caring for any of that. I could feel every goose-bump appear over my body and I clenched my fists up and covered both eyes with them, gently rocking to try and sooth the pain from inside. It didn't help. I had no idea how long I'd be there, or how long until someone found me. But being alone is a greater pain than any physical pain that I could ever fathom, and I was desperately hoping that Sherlock would soon return. I owe him an apology.