I OWN NOTHING, I just felt the need to write this due to my lack of serious protagonist in fucked up worlds, and the fact I was inspired by a small conversation I had with The Lord Of Pages.

Harem – Medusa, Arachne, Blair, Tsubaki, Mizune and Eruka. No more or else I'll have to kill someone because working with these girls alone will be challenging on its own, and putting an extra will mess the balance.

Warning: Slight Shibusen bashing, and a bit harder Shinigami and Black Star bashing. It's not out-right bashing like my other fics, but saying mostly why hunting women who act as nature intended them to be to get their souls for power/ego/glory/self-righteous bullshit is wrong.


Prologue – Meet the Guardian

My name is Uzumaki Naruto. After killing every single one of my enemies in a war long gone, I've wandered the world and watched as it changed. So far, my mood has gotten sourer thanks to the bastards who tried everything to ruin my life before I ended theirs. I don't have much of a purpose except for two things: annoy the Shinigami to get him to stop being such a childish twat, and kill everyone who tries to hurt a witch. That's all you need to know, you cunt.


A calmly scowling, young, blond man in his mid-twenties strolled past the streets of an old, abandoned temple. He was dressed in an outfit that called the attention, an outfit better suited for the old Edo period: a black gi that was slightly opened to show the built of a heavyweight boxer with pure muscle and no fat, black hakama pants with red laces tying the end of the legs to the angle to give the legs a ballooning effect, an orange sash that kept a small bottle of sake on his left hip, and wooden sandals. His face was that of a strong man, no baby fat in it but with six strange whisker-like birthmarks on his cheeks, and with cerulean eyes in a permanently bored/annoyed look. All his hair was in a spiky mop haircut, falling down to his scalp.

Night covered the skies, the moon was chuckling with blood pouring down its lips. That didn't mean there weren't any shadows lurking around. And he could sense where every single one of them were gathering. The man simply let out a small sigh before reaching into gi, pulling out an old Japanese pipe with gold decorations. He took a deep breath from it, savoring the clouds of burned tobacco, before letting out a ring of smoke.

Soon enough he found the place where all the shadows were gathering, a small stone sanctuary for the ladies of the night to gather safely. The moment he took a step in, was the same moment all the witches aimed their glares at him, aiming powerful spells on his persona. He looked at them in an uninterested, indifferent way while taking another breath from his pipe. Soon, the sight of him calmed every single one of the ladies and some even smiled as he stepped into their meeting. He became quiet and respectful, leaning on a wall and watching as they did their rituals and traditions with the company of his pipe… and some strange, casually dressed man watching after a little, tiny witch girl who had a lot of time to watch pass by before reaching puberty. Since he seemed to be looking over the little girl, he paid it no mind, and if the guy could fight, which he assumed he could seeing as he carried large cases of swords wrapped in police lines, then better for the little girl.

However, the little girl smiled brightly at the sight of the smoking, whiskered man, "Mifune, Mifune, it's The Guardian!" she said excitedly, aiming a finger at the smoking man.

The other witches were shocked, as one of the elder leaders, a witch in a long kimono with shoulder pads, whiskered cheeks and looking far too much like a cat, started to reprimand the child, "Angela Leon, watch your tone when speaking to Uzumaki-san! You should show respect to our one and only guardian."

The poor girl looked shamefully down, until a hand patted her chameleon hat, "Hey, hey, she's still a kid… I remember when you were like that too." Naruto said, aiming his pipe at the cat witch, "You even asked for my autograph." He added almost as an afterthought, making the elder witch blush and look down. The other witches started to giggle, but the glare of their elder silenced them as well as the presence of someone else.

"Nyamu!" said a small witch with half her face covered in bandages and her body hidden in a cloak sealed tightly with safety pins. Soon enough, the Witch Mass went on without further delay as Naruto watched out for any enemy around. Once it was over, it was everyone's turn to leave. Some of the witches bowed to the blond man, some even stared at him and his build with mild blushes. The whiskered black clad man watched as every single witch left cautiously back to their homes, until just him and two more people remained.

He narrowed his eyes a bit before moving from the wall and walking to the entrance where he was beckoned to go into by a finger. Once there, he stood with his arms crossed as he looked at the woman before him. The first figure wore a full body, sleeveless black suit with a hood that covered her blonde hair with two long bangs tied in a front braid, on her arms she displayed snake tattoos, and her golden eyes stared at him with an amused smirk as she stood before him in her bare feet. The second one was an androgynous girl with short pink hair, pulling at her long-sleeved black dress as if to keep it from being blown up, she nervously looked around her as if something were to jump from the shadows.

Naruto put out his pipe and had one hand hovering over his sake bottle, "At a time like this, I'd think Mabaa would have gotten a clue and kick you out." he said calmly, looking at the smaller woman before him.

Medusa chuckled, leaning back and letting the arrow tail of her suit stab the ground so she could hover above it cross-legged, "Still the same bitter old man, I see."

"Truth be told, I am starting to feel a bit old." the large man said as he looked at the pink-haired shy girl, before looking at the snake witch, "I watched over you and let you and your sisters try to climb my back when you were still in diapers. Back in the days before the Shinigami started to hunt you all… What happened to that sweet little girl who I used to make barbequed snakes with when she and her sisters weren't trying to impress me with their magic?"

Medusa closed her eyes, keeping her smirk but in a calmer and even relaxed manner, "She grew tired of the tyranny of Death over us, so she decided to do something about it… What about you?"

"I'm still making sure the brat's Little Killer Camp doesn't claim more souls." He said firmly.

"But what if it doesn't work forever? It's only a matter of time before they outnumber the witches, and not even you would be able to protect all of them." she said, standing her ground.

"Thus why I keep on beating the snot-nosed brat's troops senseless to keep y- the witches safe." He said, a bit strained before he said the last three words, as if something else would have come out. Now it was a good time to grab his bottle of sake, uncork it and, after a politely declined offer from Medusa to take a swig, drank one loud gulp, "I killed half his army when he hunted Arachne down as I tried to talk some sense into him to not hunt all of the witches… But then, one side angered another and you know the rest…" he said without slurring in the slightest after taking a drink of a sake so finely made that by all rights should have dropped an adult elephant with one single sip.

Medusa chuckled, "And yet, you still protect us. You seem to be on our side already."

Naruto chuckled bitterly, "I'm just on the side of those who don't deserve to have their souls taken and eaten by brats who think killing is fine so long as they have a reason to. Whatever made you think I'd be on your side, you little snake?" he then simply turned around, walking towards the pink haired girl, "I only let you live so long as she can have something to look forward to." He said while gently putting a hand on the girl's head.

Chrona did something no soul would think capable of her, she smiled, enjoying the warmth of his hand on her scalp as he gently caressed her hair, "Thanks, Papa."

Naruto groaned at that, "Please, just… Do me a favor and don't call me that, ok? It's just… too awkward…" he retrieved his hand from her head and scratched the back of his own head. He wanted to say something else, just one more thing, something to try to cheer her up. But alas, duty called. The trio looked up into the sky as a golden ball of light zipped around the stars, before landing right in front of the blond. Naruto watched as the object revealed itself to be a fox made of a strange golden energy that moved in ways that made it seem like a kitsune with golden fire instead of fur.

The blond groaned, it was a special spell he and the witches made to send him a call for help in case they were attacked by using a special artifact infused by his chakra. He looked at Medusa, who just crossed her arms and let her hood shadow her face, "Go, we both know it's your duty. But this just proves my point… Shibusen hunting us down is a threat we need taken down sooner than later."

"I'll give the brat a piece of my mind." Naruto said as he petted the fox's head, the small vulpine aimed his nose to one side, like a hound who had found the hunter's prey. He was gone in an instant in a flash of yellow light along with the golden fox, leaving Medusa looking at where he had been with a sour look.

"Chrona, time to go, we need more souls." The witch said as she started to walk off.

"Do you think Papa will be alright? You've said the Shinigami has been increasing his forces of attack due to Papa messing with him, Medusa-sama." The girl said, which irritated her host.

"Papa! Papa! Why don't you just pipe down?! That old fart isn't even that great! Once I get all the souls I need, I'll beat him to a pulp with my pinky." said Ragnarok, materializing on his partner's back to try to bonk her, only to get a soul-freezing glare from Medusa.

"If you hurt my daughter, then who do you think will hunt us down?" the snake witch said, daring the black blood monster to say anything that'd make his grave deeper, "Or do you want me to call him back so you can tell him what you think of him behind his back?"

"Piping down now." was all the now humbled Ragnarok said.


There was a small, abandoned town in the middle of the desert surrounding Shibusen. Far, far away from the academy of witch hunters was the ghost town that a few witches called their home. Houses were made of old, dry wood, glass windows were covered in planks or broken, and dust and sand covered most of it. But it was still cozy and allowed a group of four witches to live peacefully under the nose of Shibusen. It wasn't, however, until they needed supplies that they had been found and then targeted by the Meisters. They ran all the way back to their hideout, hoping to have lost them, but due to the fact they needed their supplies, thay were slowed down as the Meisters gave them chase.

And now, here they were cowering in their home as they held each other's hands, standing in a circle and trying to keep the magical barrier up until their hunters finally gave up and left. But the witches were terrified, more and more high-class Meisters had been coming out to get their souls and feed them to their weapons. They were not as frequent as before, but these guys could do more than give a fight. Worse part was that they hadn't gotten anything, their stocks were empty, and they were starting to feel weakened because of the lack of food and water. And what was worse, their entire stock was outside, right with the Meisters.

"Mama…" one of them said, a little, four year old witch with a squirrel shaped hat and short brown hair. "I'm very tired… And hungry… I wanna…"

"I know, sweetie. Just hold on… Please." Her mother said, trying to get her to stand up. The group was all the same, and they had to ask the poor girl to help them put up the barrier.

And that was when they heard a loud thud, followed by a louder cry of pain: "WH-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!"

There were yelps, screams, the sound of crumbling buildings, and the clash of metal against metal echoing through the air. Then they just knew, he had arrived. The witches dropped the barrier and stepped out of their hideout to see the form of the guardian of all witches blowing smoke from his pipe as beaten and bruised Meisters aimed their weapons at him. Naruto turned around to look at the small group, aiming a finger to one side, "Is that yours?" he motioned to a large wooden wagon that contained all their food and water.

The little witch nodded, which made Naruto ignore the Meisters, walk to the wagon and lift it up with just one arm above his head, not even making any effort to lift it like it was made of air. He gently put the wagon near the home, which made one of the Meisters think he had a chance to take this monster of a man down. "Mister, behind you!" the little one shouted.

Naruto sighed as he raised up one arm. The sound of steel hitting steel echoed once again on the ghost town as the blond gave a dead-pan look at the witch hunter, "You'd think by now you'd have learned something." He said, while his arm blocked a halberd with nothing but its skin, and a strange, golden energy cloak that acted as a second skin, merging perfectly with Naruto's arm to create a bio-organic armor. He kicked the Meister in the gut, making sure to break his ribs while sending him flying back. The others charged, thinking they found an opening only to have their weapons meeting once again with Naruto's chakra cloak protecting his neck, heart and guts from a katana, a broadsword and a spear respectively.

The next moments were mostly Naruto beating the Meisters to a bloody pulp and abusing his chakra armor ability to defend himself and add more strength to his attacks. Once done beating the shit out of the Meisters, he took a wreath from his pipe. Blowing out a thick cloud of smoke, the witches hiding behind their protector shed tears of relief, joy, and thankfulness as the Man known as The Guardian to many witches protected them and guarded them as he had for centuries. The young child waddled over to Naruto and hugged his leg in gratefulness. He blew out another wreath of smoke in response, before placing a soft hand on her head and rubbing it kindly.

"D-Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?!" one of the hunters asked in a fit of rage as he tried to get up, "We're hunting witches here, we are from Shibusen, the good guy-" and that's as far as he went before a golden armored arm grabbed him by his jaw, threatening to break it if the crunches and muffled screams of pain the grip caused were any indication.

"And I don't give a shit." Naruto said as he kicked the other two out with his golden chakra strengthening his leg. He lifted the Meister up by his jaw and pulled him close to eye level. "Do you want to know why I protect witches? It's because they asked me to when your god started to hunt them instead of trying to talk to them! That stupid brat sent a lot of idiots like you after countless women who never did a damn thing, except being how nature intended them to be. You think I'd give a shit what a moron who didn't even got out of his mother's womb when I had roamed the world in my first centuries of life?"

The other hunters had run off, so Naruto lifted the one he was breaking his jaw and threw him at his friends, making them fall like bowling pins. The blond put away his pipe and grabbed his bottle of sake before walking off, "I should get going, and you should too, ladies." He said loud enough to be heard, "If you don't have a shelter, there's another abandoned town south from here, the food in your wagon should be enough for the trip. If you get there, tell the witches form the town who sent you."

And before any of them could say a thing, he was gone.


Naruto was currently in Death City, the same city that the one responsible of opening witch hunts lived in. Fortunately for him, the witches had shared some of their magic for his centuries of loyal duty saving them from the Meisters, and he was allowed to have his soul protected from even the best of sensors so no alarms blared. Death couldn't know where he was if he tried to thanks to the combined efforts of the witches. Speaking of witches, the blond was enjoying the company of two of them in the bar El ChupaCabra as they refilled his bottle of booze. It was a fine cabaret, but he never came here for pleasure, just for booze or to check up on the duo who was currently attending him. Both had brown hair, wore fine dresses, but had different hair-styles.

"So, you didn't ask them for anything in return, didn't even let them thank you?" the one with long hair pulled back, Risa, asked a bit dumbfounded.

"That's a bit cruel, Naruto-sama." The short haired one, Arisa, said a bit sad.

The blond let out a sigh after finishing his third bottle of whiskey in one go, "It's alright, I grew used to protecting you girls, I don't need any gratitude. You girls help me get booze, food and a roof when I need them, and I keep on beating those who try to hurt you."

Arisa brightened up at that. "Well, you're the only one protecting us."

Risa nodded, "And on that note… well…"

Naruto stopped mid-sip to look at the now fidgeting witches, "What is it?"

"You know Medusa is interested in taking down Shibusen along her sister Arachne-sama, right?" Arisa said, looking down at the mention of her boss.

Risa let out a dreaded sigh, "She's… um…"

"Out with it, girls." Naruto said as he returned to his best friend in the whole world, booze, "If I can take Medusa experimenting on her child by beating her ass to the ground, and Arachne making demon weapons by killing half her troops, beating her creepy bug butler half to death and then spanking her like the spoiled child she is, I can take whatever the Hell the little snake's doing."

Both gulped, but told the truth, "She's working at Shibusen."

And Naruto discovered that the best way to waste a perfect bottle of very expensive whisky is to at least sample it before spitting it out in shock.


And that's my rap! Now that the prologue's over, I'll try to update a new chapter soon since I've been dying to make a Naruto/Soul Eater crossover, as some of my first readers may know. But now I think it's time to give my most popular fic an update, care to guess which one it is?

Swordslinger out!