A/N: Written for good ol' Dormiensa for the Humpfest 2013.

Prompt: Dirty talk through written messages back-and-forth that escalates to howlers. and some face time, of course.

Warning: Draco's mouth will be washed out with soap at the end of this reading. Please note that the rating is upped not for any physical action per se, but due to the uncontrollable potty mouth of one pureblooded git. Enjoy! :D


Private & Confidential

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Memo No: 2238/45/67

Dear Mr Malfoy,

I thought it only fair to inform you that I have placed a request to the head of our department to severe our current working relationship and transfer you to another building. I am sure that you will find this arrangement most satisfactory.

Please do not feel the need to reply this memo.

I look forward to never working with you again.

Yours sincerely,
-Hermione Granger.

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Memo No: 2239/22/43

Granger,

Through a series of unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, I am sad to inform you that your request was first torn into fourteen pieces before being burned into ash and then deposited into Weasley's lunch. You might want to write another.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2245/53/56

Dear Mr Malfoy,

Thank you for informing me about the surprising loss of my request. Please note that I have sent a copy of the same request to everyone in the building, which amounts to almost three hundred employees.

I hope you have a nice day.

Sincerely,

-H. Granger.

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Memo No: 2265/48/22

Granger,

I'm glad to see such initiative being taken by you, especially since I have already informed everyone who works for the Ministry of your unfortunate depression and memory loss. They are as understanding as can be expected. Pansy suggested St. Mungo's for you next paid vacation.

Get well soon,

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/48/24

You told people that I am MENTALLY INCOMPETANT?

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Memo No: 2265/48/25

Granger,

We are communicating through inter-office memos. It is only right that we use this service with some form of formality.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/49/24

Malfoy,

You told people that I am MENTALLY INCOMPETENT?

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/49/25

Granger,

Yes.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/49/34

Dear Mr Malfoy,

I would appreciate it if you would do the following:

1. Admit that you made a grievous error.

2. Rectify the above-mentioned grievous error by telling those who you lied to, the truth.

3. Never perform such a ludicrous action ever again.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation,

-Hermione Granger.

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Memo No: 2265/49/36

Granger,

No.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/50/12

Malfoy,

I have been considerate and patient. Don't make me ask you again.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/50/15

Granger,

If you really want me to do something, may I suggest a more hands on approach?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/50/35

Malfoy,

I would rather not, thank you very much.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/51/98

Granger,

I'm only a few bloody feet away. Unless you're scared to be in the same room with me.

Are you scared, Granger?

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Memo No: 2265/53/48

Malfoy,

Don't forget to be formal.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/58/23

Granger,

I apologise.

To you and to your delectable arse.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/58/24

Malfoy,

I would appreciate it if you would not mention my arse.

Thank you.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/58/31

Granger,

Your tits, then. I couldn't help but notice how positively elated they were to see me. They were practically standing to attention from the moment I entered the room.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/58/33

Malfoy,

STOP THIS TALK.

-Hermione.

P. S. – It was unusually drafty today.

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Memo No: 2265/58/34

Granger,

Is that why your nipples were hard? I could see them through your shirt, straining to be touched, begging to be licked.

Now that you mention it, there is a bit of a draft.

Tell me, are you wearing knickers today?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/58/35

Malfoy,

This is inappropriate. Stop it.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/59/43

Granger,

Come to my office and I will.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2265/59/47

Malfoy,

Not if I can help it.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2265/63/43

Granger,

What scares you more, Granger? Being alone in a room with me, or having my mouth between your thighs?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2273/42/87

Granger,

Silent, are we? No matter. I have enough memories to pass the time.

For instance, I remember the time when you were a wee bit tipsy. You remember that night in the pub, don't you, Granger? You took me to the back where you proceeded to suck me off like I was a very delicious lolly before you wrapped your lovely legs around my waist and made me fuck you until you screamed my name. We fucked twice that night: once against the closed door of the ladies' loo and once at your apartment where you rode my cock after riding my face.

You really have delectable tits, Granger. I think of how they bounce above me whenever I pleasure myself.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2273/43/88

Malfoy,

Stop it! Don't make me hex you.

Yours hatefully,

Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/86/46

Granger,

Hatefully, Granger? I don't remember you hating any of the things I used to do to you.

Do you remember the way I used to lick your nipples? They were little pebbles begging for attention. All I had to do was pay a little attention to your tits to make you wet. I distinctly remember fucking you with my fingers as yours pulled aside my robe. You were a wanton goddess, Granger. Writhing under me, little gasps escaping your lips while your hair—hideous as it is normally is—fans your face and sticks to your cheek.

You miss me, don't you, Granger? You miss having me between your legs. Me and my large cock.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/86/54

Malfoy,

Stop this behaviour this instant or I will hex you.

-Hermione.

P. S. – Don't flatter yourself.

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Memo No: 2274/86/65

Granger,

Say what you will.

Enjoy my little gift, Granger.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/86/86

If you have already opened this memo, you would have been hexed with a pockmark curse that could only be cured by Dragon Fire.

I offer no condolences.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/92/11

Granger,

You really are a little minx, aren't you? I have unfortunate news. Due to the fact that I have been insanely busy (I have a job, you know), I have not been able to open my own mail.

The most curious thing happened to the Creevy boy. He is beside me on the floor screaming in agony. Should I tell him that you offer no condolences?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/92/13

Draco,

You were supposed to open it! I did not mean to hurt Dennis Creevey.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/93/43

Granger,

Just got back from St. Mungo's, I see. Tell me. Why did you want to hex the Creevy boy?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/93/44

Malfoy,

I was trying to hex you, you prat!

You sent a Howler with the most despicable things. It was delivered to Neville by mistake! He fainted!

Leave me alone.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/93/46

Granger,

Was this the one where I speak about all the places of your body I would like to lick? I apologise for my confusion, for you see, I sent two: one said how I would like to lick and bite you (your arse is delectable) and the other said the many positions in which I would like to fuck you. You Muggles are very creative. Did you know that there is a fascinating book called the 'Karma Sutra'?

As for Longbottom, he is lucky. I gave him a free lesson. He might finally get laid.

-Draco.

P. S. – I wonder where the other Howler went.

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Memo No: 2274/94/51

Malfoy,

You must stop this madness. I will send another hex your way. I swear it.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/94/61

Granger,

Come over here and make me.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/94/64

Malfoy,

No.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/95/11

Granger,

Very well. Another Howler, then. Who should I send this one to?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/99/38

Granger,

I enjoyed your little visit. I must say, you really did teach me a lesson. Would you like to teach me another?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/100/54

Malfoy,

I would appreciate it if you don't say anything about what transpired in your office to anyone. It was a one-time thing and it will never be repeated.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/100/47

Granger,

The part where you slapped me or the part where I bent you over my desk and took you from behind?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/100/65

Dear Ms Granger,

I would greatly appreciate it if you and Mr Malfoy would come see me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

K. Shacklebolt.

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Memo No: 2274/101/23

Granger,

I know who got the lost memo.

You might want your knickers back for this.

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/102/74

I HATE YOU.

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Memo No: 2274/102/83

Granger,

Do you? Shacklebolt wasn't in such a good mood, was he?

-Draco.

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Memo No: 2274/103/43

Malfoy,

Shut it! Come to my place at seven.

After today, we won't be able to do things like this at work.

-Hermione.

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Memo No: 2274/104/64

Granger,

I don't know about that. Shacklebolt giving us rules only made it interesting.

-Draco

P. S. - I still have your knickers.

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Fin.