Hey guys! So this chapter is just a short, emotional chapter so there won't be much action but it's still really important. Hope you enjoy this chapter and please review! Last, I got 3 reviews last chapter so I want to get 5 this chapter. Please, please, please review! Anyway, on to the chapter
Today I don't wake up screaming. Instead I wake up with tears streaming down my face.
Peeta hears me and sits up, rubbing his eyes, "What's wrong Katniss?"
I try to brush the tears out of my eyes but It's no use, "Nightmares," I squeak out.
Peeta put his arms around me, "You're not over it yet are you?" I shake my head. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I hesitate. I don't want to talk about it but if I can't open up to Peeta, I won't be able to open up to anyone.
I take a deep breath, " I can't get it out of my head. Every time I look at him, I just feel conflicted. All these good memories from before the Games come flooding back to me. But at the same time, the horrible thing he did to me corrupts all that. He's changed Peeta. The war changed him, it changed everyone. Even though the Capitol's gone, they still find ways to hurt us." I'm sobbing now. "I wish I had never pulled out those berries. Then none of this would have ever happened. The whole war is my fault."
Peeta shakes his head, "You don't give yourself enough credit Katniss. You ended the Games. You took down the Capitol. You gave millions of people hope."
"Yeah, too bad half of those people are dead," I say sniffling.
"Katniss," Peeta sighs, "You can't blame yourself for all those deaths."
"Why not Peeta?" I yell at him, "I started the war! Finnick is dead because of me! Prim is dead because of me!" I have never done this before. These thought shave been swimming around in my brain for almost a year. I've kept them bottled up inside ever since the war ended, too scared to share them. Now I'm pouring everything out to Peeta. And although it feels good for all of it to be lifted off my chest, at the same time, it brings to light all the things that have been making me miserable. I've never shown this much weakness in front of anyone before, not even my family.
"Katniss it's not your fault. It's President Snow's" Peeta says patiently, "He killed those people."
"Not all of them," I say, thinking of Gale designing the bomb that killed Prim.
Peeta's face clouds with anger, "Yeah well that person isn't in your life anymore. Stop beating yourself up for it Katniss. I'm sure that, wherever those people are now, they would want to see you moving on, not wallowing in their deaths."
I think about that for a minute. He is right. Prim would tell me to get up and marry Peeta. To live life with him while I can. Finnick would tell me that life is fragile and could end at any second, so I need to live life right now and focus on the good things.
I sigh, "You're right Peeta. Look, I'm sorry for breaking down like this."
"Don't be," he says, "Even the Mockingjay has to ave a weak moment at some point."
I chuckle, "I guess so."
Peeta lays back down, "Are you going back to sleep?" he asks. I just shake my head. He understands not to press it further and lets me leave the room without another word. When I walk outside I see Johanna sitting on the couch. I completely forgot she was here.
"Couldn't sleep?" I ask.
"No, I was woken up by you screaming at Peeta." she says.
"Sorry," I say, now a little ashamed at my breakdown.
"I heard what he said to you." she starts.
I groan, "Please don't tell me that he's right. I know he is. He always is. He's the only one here with good judgment. I make stupid decisions, and don't think things through, and jump to conclusions. I know I need to listen to him more often and I don't need anyone else reinstating that." I say angrily.
"Woah calm down Brainless." Johanna says, "I was going to say that you were right."
"What?" I ask.
She sighs, "You did start the war. Technically some, and I'm only saying some, of those casualties were your fault."
"Wow, thanks Johanna. That really makes me feel better," I say sarcastically.
"You didn't let me finish." she says, "You're focusing on all the bad things that came out of the war. My old doctor might have been crazy but he said one thing that stuck in my brain. He told me not to focus on the negative. Instead, make a list of all the good things in life. I think you should try it."
"What good thing could come out of all those people dying?" I ask sadly.
"Stop being such a pessimist. The war didn't just cause deaths." I look at her blankly. She groans, "Fine. I'll give you a list. The Capitol is gone, the Games are gone, everyone who is left is safe now, you figured out who you needed in your life and who you didn't, and you can safely start a life with Peeta without worrying about the Capitol interfering."
I sigh, "But that doesn't change the fact that I caused people I loved to die."
Johanna grabs my shoulders and slaps me hard across the face, "You need to snap out of it. You're living in your own pity party. You're breaking when the people around you need to be whole. Stop it." she says firmly.
I groan, "You're right Johanna. You have a funny way of showing it, but you're right."
Johanna chuckles, "Well I had to make you see sense somehow."
I laugh, "Thanks Johanna."
She just smiles at me. Then she yawns, "I'm going to go back to sleep. It's only three in the morning. You should too Katniss."
She heads back to her room. I yawn, worn out by my emotional breakdown. I head back into my room where I see Peeta fast asleep. I crawl beneath the covers and rest my head on his chest. I go to sleep determined to wake up different tomorrow. No more feeling bad for myself. No more crying over the deaths. I'm done.
So that's it. Just a short little chapter. I felt like Katniss's feelings at this point haven't been fully explained so I wrote this chapter to do so. I felt like she had a lot of feelings that she's been compressing inside of her since the war ended and she has been blaming herself for everything. I wanted to express that in this chapter. I hope you guys liked it and please review! Remember I want 5!
Here are the review responses:
Mama'sBrokenHeart99: Yeah I agree. Gale deserved everything Johanna gave him. And I don't know if Johanna will move to District 12. But it's a good idea. Hmmmm :) Anyway thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoyed this update.
AnonymousAvox: I'm glad you like Johanna! I was a little nervous writing her because I thought it would be hard to find a balance between sarcastic and almost mean, and caring and insightful. I'm glad I seem to be pulling it off. And as for your note, trust me I have a big twist planned further ahead in the story. I'm working on making it more realistic and not overly dramatic but when I get everything worked out, there will definitely be an unexpected twist. Thanks for reviewing and I hope you liked this chapter!
KittyKat: I'm so glad you read all my stories and enjoyed them so thank you so much for that! I'm not sure if Johanna will get fixed up with anyone. Hmmm. You guys are full of ideas about her aren't you? :) I'm glad you liked how I portrayed the characters because I want to make them like they are in the book so I'm glad I'm doing a good job with that. Thanks for reviewing and I hop you liked this chapter!