A/N: In the spirit of full disclosure, I have caveats about this story: first, it's a sequel to Rise of CGI. It seems like an act of monumental narcissism to write a sequel to my own postmodern-ish parody fanfiction, but it also seems completely appropriate on some level so here we are. I suspect this story will be funnier with the background, but if you simply must read this story right now without it then I guess what you need to know is that it was a parody of Rise of Cobra and the assorted badfic it produced, MSTed by our two favorite ninjas. Other than that, I've tried to keep the two fairly separate, for reasons that will become obvious later.
The second caveat is that, as this is technically movieverse, characterizations and relationships have been adjusted accordingly. So, is Scarlett emotionally stunted? Does Flint have no defining characteristics? Does Jinx have zero lines that aren't purely expository? This isn't my fault. In fact, someone got paid to do that. I do take responsibility for any general pettiness or genre-savvy commentary, although obviously I own nothing.
Anyhow, let the games begin.
He knew what had happened the moment he saw Snake Eyes' surprise. It had, after all, been too good to be true.
Storm Shadow had received a note - a deeply apologetic note - apparently from Snake Eyes. He had appreciated its thoroughness, its humility, and its general consideration for human life. It was eloquent and beautifully phrased. It had been an apology of remarkable perspicacity, of particular subtlety, of a certain noble turn of mind that Storm Shadow almost admired. It had even groveled a little bit - he would have accepted more, but it was certainly enough to get him feeling a little bit charitable.
Of course Snake Eyes hadn't written it.
So, are you here to apologize? Snake Eyes had asked him, just moments ago.
"Don't be stupid. You're here to apologize to me," Storm Shadow had replied.
It was then that he saw Jinx, crouching on the side of a building just inside earshot. She was smiling eagerly. Suddenly, it all made sense.
"Jinx, come down from there. You're not going to parent-trap us."
"But you were meant to be best friends!" Jinx said, sliding down to stand beside them. "You kind of made up at the end of the fight at Fort Sumter, but then Storm Shadow just walked off into the greater Charleston Metropolitan area. Where is he going? Is he coming back? It's confusing, but also dissatisfying. So I decided to fix it."
"While we're not actively trying to murder each other anymore, it was mostly an alliance of convenience," Storm Shadow said. "Besides, I would never be friends with Snake Eyes."
Tommy's only hobby is hating people, Snake Eyes said. Also, he never shuts up.
"And I am not best friends with psychopaths," Storm Shadow added.
"I hate it when you fight," Jinx said, looking sullen. "Can't you just take this opportunity to overcome your history and start again?"
"No. That would require Snake Eyes to admit that he was wrong, which is of course impossible because he's just the most perfect," Storm Shadow said.
"But then how are you supposed to MST the movie together?" Jinx asked. "And make fun of Mary Sues?"
We're not going to, Snake Eyes replied. Actually, Tommy is lucky I'm letting him walk away with all of his limbs, given that someone's assassination of the president of Pakistan is the reason Scarlett is dead.
"Excuse me, but some of us believe in democratic self-determination," Storm Shadow said. "And I was not informed of the part of the plan where it was an overly-complicated gambit to murder every single person in your gigantic unit, because it was in fact part of my overly-complicated gambit to break Cobra Commander out of jail. Besides, where were you at the time?"
I was doing important things, Snake Eyes replied.
"Were you stalking me again?"
Of course not. Don't be absurd.
"If only you could've developed that charming personality trait in time to save me from being raised by Zartan. But no, that would have been much too convenient."
Everything is always about you, isn't it?
"It would be nice, frankly, if something were about me for once," Storm Shadow replied.
Jinx had watched the exchange with growing dismay. This wasn't working out the way she had planned - in fact, it was devolving rapidly toward a fist fight - and she had to do something drastic. She cleared her throat.
"Fine. If you won't mock the movie, then I will."
It was night at the DMZ. Under the cover of darkness, GI Joe moved toward the perimeter. Or at, at least, it was probably GI Joe, although the only recognizable character from the last movie was Duke, so that except for the name on the ticket stub it could have been an absolutely surreal sequel to Magic Mike.
When they reached the fence, Roadblock pulled out a pair of magic gloves. They melted through the cyclone fence almost instantly, which is dumb because physics. Duh.
"Hey, banter banter," Roadblock said to Duke.
"Banter banter repartee!" Duke replied. "Isn't that right, Mouse?"
"I'm here to make you sad when I die," Mouse said. "Because unlike any of the Cobra mooks in this movie, I'm a real person!"
"Hey, do any of you mind if I go do some hijinks?" Flint asked.
"Go ahead, Flint," Duke replied. "We fully support any and all hijinks. They're funny and make you seem like something more than a stock action movie adrenaline junkie."
"Flint, please don't get into any hijinks. I think the writers are trying to set you up as a little bit of a tool, but really it's just coming across as stupid," Jaye said, the exasperation in her voice obvious even over the radio.
"Oh man, ladies are nags! Am I right?" Duke said. He and Mouse high-fived. "That's why this movie only barely passes the Bechdel Test!"
"I'm just trying to avoid an international incident with a nuclear nation," Lady Jaye replied. No one listened.
Mouse, Duke, and Roadblock slunk down into the DMZ proper, signaling for the defector, whom they eventually found in a truck. They hustled him out of the DMZ, but not before Flint managed to run some eagle flag up in the place of the North Korean flag.
Oh, that's supposed to be the GI Joe symbol? When did that become a thing? Well, they changed it and now it sucks.
God, this is so dumb. And when I point out all the ways it's dumb, that's funny.
[Insert reviewer-pleasing canon in-joke here]
Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes had stopped arguing, and were looking at her with something like shock. Finally, Storm Shadow spoke. "Well, that was literally the worst thing I've ever heard."
You could at least try to be nice about it, Snake Eyes said. I, for one, liked how you spelled most of the characters' names correctly most of the time.
"But that is what you do, right?" Jinx asked, trying to sound innocent.
"In the bluntest sense of it," Storm Shadow replied. "But it's more than that, Jinx. You can't just say things are stupid, you have to show why they're stupid. And your default criticism of this movie can't just be that's sexist, even if having Jaye nag Flint about things does have some unfortunate implications."
It's also worth noting that this had different problems than Rise of Cobra, Snake Eyes said. And also some weirdly identical problems. Seriously, do we have a quota of European cities to destroy?
"Maybe it's impossible to make fun of," Jinx said wistfully. "I mean, Rise of Cobra could at least be described as earnestly bizarre. This was just 100 minutes of impactless violence." She sighed again, hoping she wasn't hamming it up too much. "This is just too hard. I can't do it."
Well, I don't think it's impossible, Snake Eyes admitted. I mean, in a purely theoretical sense.
"Of course it's not impossible. But we hate each other, so of course we wouldn't make fun of it together," Storm Shadow said.
Obviously. That's something friends do.
"Yes. And we're not friends. We don't agree about anything."
"But isn't it shameful to our clan that I'm so very bad at this?" Jinx asked. "I mean, I really am the worst. If only there were someone to teach me."
"She's your apprentice."
She's your cousin.
"Second cousin, but close enough." Storm Shadow sighed. "Look, Jinx-"
He was interrupted by the appearance of a woman who made a beeline for Snake Eyes, ignoring everything else around her. "Babe, you're late for our date."
"Our first date," she said, tossing impractically long dark hair over her shoulder. "You're late for it. I've been waiting at the karaoke place for hours. You silly, cuddly ninja, always late for things. It's so endearing."
"Jinx. Do you have a way to get out of here?" Storm Shadow whispered urgently, eyeing the Sue. She was beginning to invade Snake Eyes's personal space. They didn't have long.
"I'll bring the car around." Jinx sprinted off, smiling to herself. Even if it wasn't quite what she had planned, she supposed that in the end, a road trip would work just as well as a parent trap to forcibly reconstruct her clan.