The Ron Weasley Death Files

Summary: And now it's time for a special Harry Potter saga. Watch as Ron Weasley dies a new cruel, bloody, painful, and gruesome death in every chapter!
Warnings: Major Ron-bashing! Graphic violence! Sex! Everyone's OOC! Oh yeah!
General series notes by the author: I can't stand Ron, and this is my way of taking it out on him. Each saga is a completely new story; Ron is (regrettably) resurrected at the end of each chapter. Each chapter will be quite short, since I'd like to kill Ron as quickly as possible.


Saga #1- Death by Quidditch

Ron Weasley was delighted when he started his fifth year at Hogwarts. Quidditch was starting up again, and he realized excitedly that, given Oliver Wood's graduation 3rd year, he might actually have a chance to be play on the Gryffindor team! After all, with star seeker Harry being his best buddy, and his obvious love for the game, how could he not?

"You, be on the team?" Harry cried at lunch, gasping in horror. This was not clearly not going be as easy Ron had hoped.

"Yep, I'm the biggest Quidditch fan alive!" Ron said. "The thought of actually getting to play Quidditch with the great Harry Potter takes up ever thought in my pea-sized brain! I'll kick ass as seeker!"

"Look, Ron, to put it frankly, you suck big donkey balls at Quidditch," Harry replied. "Besides, when all you do is watch the game and never practice it, you gain quite a bit of weight."

"Oh," Ron muttered, glancing down at his gigantic stomach. He forgot about it very quickly, since his short term memory was, frankly, pathetic. He got down in his knees in begged in a whiny voice. "Please please please please please please please-"

"Argh, stop whimpering and kissing my feet!" Harry grumbled. Suddenly, his eyes lit up with a Slytherin-like glare that would've made Hermione suspicious. Fortunately, Ron was too stupid to notice. "You're on the team, Ron," he sighed. "Keeper."

"OH BOY! HAPPY DANCE!" Ron yelled. "Now I really get to go everywhere with you, Harry!"

"Just shut up and get ready for practice," Harry grumbled.

"I'll do anything you say, Harry!" Ron cried. "You're my god!" For that reason, he left, clearly not realizing Quidditch practice wasn't for another 18 hours.

Harry glared at Ron's back. "What an ass," he muttered, pun intended, of course. He slyly owled the other members of the Quidditch team, an idea in his head. He was sick of Ron being an idiot. He was sick of Ron following him around. He was sick of Ron trying to steal Hermione's affections from him. The whole Quidditch team was sick of him begging them for autographs.

Yes, they were going to make Ron pay!


Ron was so happy to be Quidditch Keeper that he didn't really notice the strange going-ons at practice that week, such as the excessive number of bludgers aimed at his dead (but diverted at the last minute), the constant glares he got from Fred, George, Harry, and the girls. Finally, there was the fact that Draco Malfoy appeared to practicing with them. With all his study of Quidditch, it was pretty shocking he didn't realize something was "off."

Before their first game, Ron heard Harry whisper to Draco, "We're going to make him pay!" Draco responded by smiling and high-fiving Harry.

Harry and Draco's antics sent off a red-alert in Ron's stupid head. "All-Mighty God Harry, why were you talking to Malfoy?" he asked minutes before the game.

"Um, he's going to buy you a new broom after the game," Harry said with a small snicker.

"Whoah, Malfoy got cool!" Ron said, a big, dumb grin on his face.

"Game time!" Madam Hooch called out. Ron finally, at this point, noticed that the Gryffindors and Slytherins were arranged in rather...odd, positions. He'd memorized Quidditch formations, and he'd never seen a single one that'd had the beaters and chasers surrounding the keeper. However, in a typically stupid, Gryffindor-like way, he trusted Harry's judgment without question.

Madam Hooch threw the quaffle in the air. The ball, instead of going to one of the chasers, smashed into Ron's skill, creating a huge dent in an air pocket where Ron's brain would've been in a person of normal intelligence.

"Hey!" Ron moaned at Katie Bell. "Why didn't you catch that?"

She just grinned and threw the quaffle to a Slytherin chaser, who proceeded to throw the ball. It hit Ron's left arm. Blood oozed out of it.

Unfortunately, before Ron could think about that, a bludger hit him in the lower back. He felt his spine rip out, and the bone stuck out of his body like he'd suddenly grown a mutated tail.


"Mwahaha, little brother," said Fred or George, hitting another Bludger at Ron. Ron could no longer feel his lower body, but he saw his foot snap off his leg and blood come off where his foot used to be.

He saw all the chasers play catch with the Quaffle, each hitting Ron in a new place. Blood came pouring out of his fingers, neck, stomach, and who knows where else. He felt a few ribs break from the Bludgers.

Then, by far the most painful part came. A bludger hit him directly in the head, smashing his limited brains out. The other players grimaced as they watched the brains ooze out onto his body and onto his broom. "Must...stay...on...broom," Ron muttered, holding on for dear life.

Finally, Harry and Draco found the snitch. They caught it together, each holding one wing in their hand. Slowly, they approached what was remaining of the bloody, broken Ron and faced him head on.

"Time to..." Harry began.

"End your misery, Weasel!" Draco finished.

"Must...end...misery," Ron sputtered.

"Okay!" they said together. Harry and Draco threw the snitch right at Ron's neck. Using its wings, the snitch perfectly sliced a line through Ron's neck. His head fell off and his body soon followed.

"That ending your misery?" Harry drawled, whistling casually.

"I think we let him off too easy," Draco replied.

"OKAY, RON'S DEAD, GET BACK TO PLAYING!" Hooch yelled. Harry and Draco became enemies once again, and the players began to play the game for real, as if nothing had happened.

After Harry caught the snitch, everyone rushed onto the field to congratulate Harry for the brilliant death plan and thanked him for ridding the world of an idiot like Ron. No one bothered to move or touch Ron's body or severed head, all in fear of aquiring his low-IQ and Harry-worshipping tendencies if they did so.

Finally, just after dark, Remus Lupin entered. He'd just entered his werewolf stage, and he'd smelled a dead body on the Quidditch field. It smells like a nasty excuse for a human being, but I am hungry, he rationalized.

And so it was settled. That evening, Lupin the werewolf devoured Ron's body, leaving no flesh, blood or brains left to be seen on the Quidditch field. A few hours later, everyone celebrated Ron's death by having sex on the Quidditch 50 meter line.

END of Saga #1


Saga #1 Notes: That's the first part of the new "RW Death Files." Most of the installments to come will be shorter, I think (I probably won't take so long to set up the circumstances for his death). Let me know what you thought of it. Flames are welcomed, as always.