Many people say there's no good and evil. There's always a grey zone. I suppose it's true or I wouldn't feel bad about the people I killed.

I've never really had a friend. I dropped out of school and that was good. The only guy who came near to be a father to me died while I was... sleeping.

It was her fault, really. When I came to Sunnydale, it was supposed to be a fresh start. I wanted poeple to like me because of who I was, like they did with her.

They didn't. Of course they didn't. Why would they with her around? I was the bad one, because I dared to speak my mind, because I didn't suppress my feelings to be totally uptight like her. I was free. I was young and I was sexy and I was not afraid to show it, so what? I slayed vamps just as good as her, if not better, even without a watcher and a neat little Scooby Gang.

Of course, it changed. Maybe I could've reacted quicker, I have Slayer reflexes after all. But I didn't. I lay in my bed many times, awake at night, trying to figute out why I couldn't react.

Theory number one was that I just didn't like being given orders. I did exactly the opposite of everything people told me to do. It sucks, I know. On closer thought, maybe that was a reason for the people not liking me as much as her.

Maybe I just didn't want it to stay that way. Me playing second fiddle, after her, when I should be the hero. I wanted to change something, and dammit change I did.

It wasn't enough to be her friend, not even to sleep with one of her best friends. I had to do something to make her notice me, to make her step aside so I could get into the light for once.

I did that. I became a murderer. I won't lie to you, his face haunts me in my dreams sometimes. It's not like I spend hours lying awake thinking about what I did, that would just be an incredibly Buffy thing to do. But he appears in the nightmares. The ones I have no one to talk to about.

I'm strong. I'm not as strong as her, but it's enough to endure the dreams and act as if they didn't happen. It's not perfect, but then again, my life has never been any such thing.

I'll deal.