Hello pretties, sorry for the late update but those of you in the middle of final projects and exams will understand. (:
Thanks a lot to BleedingHeartsBeFree for betaing this.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
After Blaine had spoken, Kurt had remained quiet for a whole 3 minutes unable to find a good way to address the subject.
"I just can't Blaine," Kurt finally said hoping Blaine wouldn't push. Of course he would.
"So you've said. I want to know why. It's not just been today Kurt; ever since that first coffee date you've always acted like you were hiding something, like there was something you weren't telling me about. I never pushed because I understand there are things that you don't just share with anyone…but now it is holding you back from accepting a relationship with me even though I can see you want it just as much as I do, and I want to know what it is," Blaine said softly. As though that would transmit the message that he was not just being pushy or nosy but was sincerely interested and concerned.
"I'm scared," Kurt finally whispered and Blaine found himself moving closer to Kurt taking his hands once again.
"What are you scared of, Kurt?"
"I'm scared you'll hate me when I tell you."
"Oh, Kurt, I could never hate you," Blaine said looking deep into glasz.
"You will because I was selfish. And after I tell you, you won't want to see me anymore anyways and even if, for some strange reason you do, I can't take that kind of risk," Kurt said and tears started to well in his eyes.
"Tell me, Kurt," Blaine prompted softly.
"I, uh, I've been leading you on. I never intended to have a romantic relationship with you, just a fun fling because I wanted to be treated like I mattered to someone, I wanted to feel desired and cared for," Kurt confessed looking away, unable to look into Blaine's emotional eyes as he broke his heart even more. Blaine's hands immediately released Kurt's and he involuntarily moved further away, as though the blow would lessen if he wasn't so close to the source of his pain.
"Why would you do that?" Blaine choked out.
"Because I'm a terrible person, okay? I'm selfish and in constant need to be loved and praised. Because I sometimes act without considering how badly my actions will affect others, even those who I love."
"So you thought you would just play with the next guy who showed interest and then flee once he actually got attached to you?" Blaine asked incredulously, standing from the sofa and pacing back and forth.
"No! I swear I thought of stopping this sooner, before any real feeling began to form but…" Kurt trailed off not wanting to finish his sentence.
"But what?!" Blaine yelled stopping his pacing to look directly at Kurt.
"But I couldn't because I never felt the things I felt for you with any of the other men I casually hung out with before…" he finally admitted. Blaine didn't say anything; he just continued to stare at Kurt. "…So I kept putting off breaking with you."
"Why do you do this, Kurt? What is it that keeps you from actually pursuing relationships?"
And this was it, this was when everything truly came to the light. Kurt took a deep breath and motioned Blaine to sit back down which Blaine did after a couple of seconds of staring.
"I have a son, Blaine."
There, he'd said it. And Blaine, Blaine hadn't made a sound. He had gone stiff as a board and was now looking like he wasn't even breathing. His facial expression was not a bad one, per say, but it definitely wasn't a joyous one either…it was just, shocked.
When five minutes had passed and Blaine still hadn't moved a muscle and the only sound was the late New York traffic, Kurt was starting to really panic. He had almost ruined one of Blaine's cushions because of the nervous pulling of a loose string and he was about to really freak out because of Blaine's lack of reaction.
"I should just, uh, leave…" Kurt stammered getting off the sofa and nervously walking toward the door. It wasn't until his had actually touched the handle that Blaine's voice reached his ears.
"Wait!" he said just like he had done a month ago in that coffee shop. Kurt stilled but didn't turn. "You can't just drop something like that on me and then leave," Blaine said. "Please come and sit?"
Kurt hesitated before sighing and turning around. Blaine was standing up in the living room with an unreadable face but pleading eyes. Kurt slowly walked back to the sofa and sat down taking the cushion in his arms as a sort of shield from everything else. Eventually Blaine sat as well and they both stayed in silence for a couple of minutes.
"What's his name?" Blaine eventually asked breaking the silence.
"Jason," Kurt said after several minutes. This, talking about Jace, it made everything more real. This was actually happening, Blaine was asking about his son instead of fleeing or, in this case, throwing Kurt out.
"How, uh, old is Mr. Jason Hummel?" he asked with a hint of playfulness with the nickname.
"Four…soon to be five," Kurt said carefully, testing this newfound knowledge of Blaine not being completely repulsed by his having a kid.
"I see. Would it be too personal if I asked how…" Blaine trailed off not finishing his question but Kurt understood perfectly.
"Yes," he said and once again Blaine's face fell but quickly recovered nodding in understanding. "But I'll tell you."
"It's only natural for you to ask and anyways…I want you to know, I guess," he said a little unsurely.
Blaine leaned over and squeezed Kurt's arm reassuringly before straightening again.
"First I'd like to stay that I love him more than anything, he is my everything, and I wouldn't change him for the world," Kurt said and waited for Blaine to nod to continue. "It was a drunken mistake. We were at a friend's house, Daniel's, celebrating his birthday and there were lots of people, lots of dancing, loud music and, of course, lots and lots of alcohol. I've never been a drinker, but my friends kept telling me to relax and enjoy and let go so eventually I gave in thinking a beer or two wouldn't do much harm. I had a boyfriend at the time, Cole, and he got so wasted I found him making out (and by making out I mean practically fucking with his clothes on) with one of my friends, not really a close friend but still, it hurt. So I ended up drowning my sorrows in several drinks even after the couple of beers I had already drank. I got so plastered that, to the day, I still I can't believe I was able to stay conscious let alone have enough energy to actually, well, get it up…" Kurt trailed off. "Anyways, apparently when drunk my sexuality goes out the window because I woke up next day in one of Daniel's bedrooms, naked and next to a girl I swear I'd never seen before in my life. Seeing as this was my very first one-night stand and the first time I'd done it with a girl I didn't know how to react. I ended up falling off the bed in panic which woke up this girl, Holly. She mumbled something about a headache. I had been panicking so much I didn't even realize my head felt like it was about to explode and my stomach threatened to empty its contents any moment. So I get dressed and so does Holly and we sort of just awkwardly, at least on my part, sit cross-legged on opposite sides of the bed…"
"Well, that was fun…I guess. I can't say I remember much but it sure feels like I enjoyed it," the blonde in front of Kurt says casually and Kurt wonders how the hell she is so relaxed after what just happened.
"Fun?! No, no, no. I can't believe I did this!" Kurt says shaking his head violently and regretting it the moment pain erupts intensely and he is most definitely about to puke, he's sure of it.
"Oh God, please tell me this wasn't your first time or something like that," she says.
"What? NO! Well, in a way it is but…"
"In a way? Do you even remember what way we did it? Cuz from the soreness in my groin I'm thinking it was something that required lots of flexibility…"
"STOP!" Kurt yells dismayed at this girl's complete lack of modesty.
"Oh, c'mon sweet cheeks, don't be such a prude. If we've done it, we can definitely talk about it, don't you think?" she asks.
"Seriously, how can you just act like this?" Kurt asks, incredulous at this girl's attitude.
"Just the way I am, I guess. Seriously, why are you making such a big deal out of this? Oh, right, first in a way; what way was it then?"
"I, well, I'm, uh…I'm gay!" Kurt finally said.
"Well, I highly doubt we just had a very strange sleepover. Wait; does this make me a hag? Hmm…I always figured it would be somebody else like Ricky Martin or Neil Patrick Harris…"
"Oh God, please stop," Kurt begs.
"Well I feel honored to be your very first hag, umm," she trails off realizing she doesn't even know his name.
"Kurt, Kurt Hummel and you're…"
"Holly Holliday," she says happily.
"A, uh, pleasure," he says and Holly wags her eyebrows suggestively. "Seriously, stop," he says sure his face is going to stay permanently red.
"Well Kurt, this was very fun but I have to run; I'm assuming you attend at Parsons?" she asks picking up her cell phone and other things she finds and putting them in her purse.
"Uh, yeah," Kurt says hesitantly. So this is it? They were just going to go their separate ways and put this behind them just like that?
"Then I'll see you around in campus. Bye, Kurt," she says and pecks his lips on her way out.
"Well that's…interesting," Blaine commented once Kurt paused his tale. Just a tiny hint of amusement is present in his voice but Kurt detected it in a flash.
"Stop, don't you dare laugh at me. I was embarrassed beyond belief!" he exclaimed and covered his face with the cushion in embarrassment.
"But I bet you looked just adorable," Blaine teased and ducked when Kurt threw the cushion at him. "HEY! I should just keep this with me, see how you do without your safety blanket," Blaine pouted, even going as far as to stick his tongue out.
"You will give it back if you want to hear the rest of the story," Kurt threatened but his voice was too soft to completely pull it off. His heart warmed seeing Blaine joke around a little bit to try and make this less uncomfortable for Kurt. Blaine, of course, handed back the cushion and signaled Kurt to continue his story. "Well, I didn't really hear about Holly until about five weeks later…"
Kurt was running to get to his next class 'Drawing Studio' because Mr. Jerries was quite harsh on those who arrive late to one of his lectures and Kurt was already having a crappy day as it was.
"Kurt!" he hears a female voice yell and it sounds vaguely familiar but he's sure it doesn't belong to any of his friends so she couldn't be referring to him. "Kurt Hummel stop!" the voice says now commanding. Ok, so maybe she was talking to him. He stops, now resigned to being signaled out by the professor for his tardiness and turns towards the voice.
"Holly?" he says, puzzled. Despite her words of seeing each other around school, they hadn't seen or heard from each other since that night at Daniel's.
"Jeez, how is it that you run so fast?" she says trying to catch her breath. Try being openly gay in high school in Homophobia, Ohio, Kurt thinks dryly recalling how he used to constantly try and escape the bullies at his school.
"Did you need anything, Holly? Because as you could tell I'm actually in a bit of a hurry," he says instead.
"I, uh, I have something I need to tell you…" she says and for once since he'd met her she actually looks nervous.
"Well, tell me already. As I said, I seriously need to get moving."
"I can see this isn't a good time, but I rarely see you and as I don't have your phone or address I have to rely on casually bumping into you," she explains. When Kurt does nothing but stare at her to continue she starts talking again. "It's not something I can just tell you in a couple of minutes so you can make it to your class, but it is really important that we talk as soon as possible so I would really appreciate it if you could find some time for what I've got to say."
"Look, this is my last class of the day, ok? Can whatever you have to say wait until then?" he asks happy that at least by now they are talking while they are walking so hopefully he won't be more than ten minutes late.
"I suppose…" she says.
"Great," he says and pulls out a pen and a post it from his bag and scribbles down his number and address before reaching his classroom. They say their goodbyes and Kurt finally enters his class.
Right as the class is dismissed and the students are already leaving the classroom Kurt receives a text from Holly telling him she would be at his apartment in 20 minutes and confirming his assistance. His reply is a simple OK and he quickly makes his way to his small apartment.
When he gets there Holly is already sitting with her back against the door.
"I'm sorry, I got a little caught up in traffic," he explains.
"It's alright, I've only been here for a couple of minutes anyway," she says standing up and brushing non-existent dirt from her jeans.
Kurt opens his door and carefully places his coat on the hanger inviting Holly to do the same with her jacket.
"Would you like something to drink?" he asks already filling a glass of water for himself.
"No, it's okay. Listen, Kurt, this is something that is sort of eating me inside and I just have to tell you already," she says and Kurt really starts to worry seeing how nervous she is.
"Well, okay, let's go sit in the living room and you can tell me everything," he says already fearing the worse. She has come to announce she has some disease she accidently had infected him with, or maybe her boyfriend (who was three times Kurt's size) found out what had happened and was now looking for Kurt to make him pay, or maybe…
"Kurt, I think I'm pregnant and I think – no, I'm sure – it's yours…" she says interrupting his train of thought. What?! Out of all the scenarios he envisioned this was NOT one of them.
"What?!" he manages to choke out.
"Well, I got worried when I missed my period a week ago but thought maybe I was just late or simply something else had happened. Gwen, that's my roommate, suggested I took a test. She bought it for me and everything since I was, well, freaking out. It was positive, Kurt," she says.
"It could be a false positive, of course. The only way to really know is by going to the doctor but…"
"Doctor," Kurt repeats numbly.
"I sort of already booked up an appointment; it's this Saturday and I was just wondering if maybe you could, um, come with?"
Kurt's thoughts run a thousand miles an hour. He? A father? He was barely 19, just about to finish his first year of college in the school and city of his dreams…He couldn't possibly be a father now.
"Kurt?" Holly asks timidly and Kurt realizes he has not answered Holly's question. He desperately wants to say no and remove himself from everything that could connect him to a child. But he was raised by Burt Hummel to always do what was right and if this turned out to be real, he was just going to have to deal with it.
"Uh, yeah, sure. Saturday. You can, uh, come over and we'll get there together," he says trying very hard to act controlled. He cracks though, "How could this happen?" he asks mostly rhetorically. "We used a condom, I know we did. I don't know how any of us had any sense to actually practice safe sex in the state we were in, but we did. I had the misfortune of finding our used condom when I was cleaning up Daniel's bedroom."
"I know, I saw it as well. I guess we got to be that tiny percentage of error," she says.
They stayed together for a few more hours, not really talking just lost in their own thoughts and internal struggles. Eventually Holly announces she has to leave and reminds him of Saturday telling him she'll come around 8 for their appointment at 8:30. This time she doesn't peck his lips as she leaves.
So there it is. Thoughts?! Leave me a review or PM me!
PS. Anyone else suffering from glee-drawal? Season 5, please!