A few days had passed and Matsuda found himself standing within the SPK headquarters. He didn't know how his feet had gotten him there but, soon enough, he found himself approaching Near, the only other person in the room.
The white-haired boy was sitting quietly on the floor, playing with his toys. His smile was bright and childlike, displaying nothing of the genius that lay within him.
"Near...?" Matsuda found himself whispering, horrified to hear his own voice; it was so weak and unbecoming of him – so fearful. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of his unhelpful thoughts. "...Near, are you... busy?"
"Perhaps." Near was as calm as ever, his eyes never leaving the robot in his hand. "What brings you here? The Kira investigation is over. You aren't obligated to return."
"I know..." Matsuda sighed, not knowing what to say – he hadn't come here consciously, so why would he have a conversation planned beforehand?
"You're still bothered by shooting Kira," Near observed matter-of-factly.
Matsuda swallowed before he nodded. "...I... I-I am..."
"There was nothing you could have done," Near said. "He was a murderer. You did the right thing. He tried to kill you."
A single tear leaked past the raven-haired male's eyelid. He shook his head, biting down his lip. "I...!"
"Of course if you want to beat yourself up about it, be my guest." Near shrugged. "You were one of the original investigators – you should have been prepared for the risks. If you didn't think you could have handled whatever came out of it, you never should have stayed on."
"...I wanted to be of use!" Matsuda found himself crying out in desperation. "...I... I've been so useless... I wanted to do something...!"
"You did do something. You killed Kira. I can't understand why you'd be so stressed about this fact. You killed a murderer."
"I trusted Light!" Matsuda shouted, unable to handle being misunderstood. "...I trusted him... And he was Kira all along... It's not just the fact that I... that I killed someone... I killed my friend... I..."
"Please leave." Near's attention focused solely on the toy train in his hand. "This is not a therapy session. If you wouldn't mind, I would like to get other things done."
Matsuda's eyes welled up with tears as he bit his lip. He couldn't deny that it hurt being pushed away like that; he liked Near, but to know that the other didn't care about his problems... "...I'm sorry... I'll leave you alone..."
Near didn't reply as the older man left the building, unable to understand what the big deal was. Why was Matsuda feeling like this? There was just... no reason at all for the raven-haired male to be acting like this.
With a sigh, Near resigned himself to the fact that Matsuda was just naturally a very weird person and there was nothing he could do about that.
~~Later that night~~
Matsuda had never drank alcohol before and he had always thought he would remain alcohol-free until the day he died, so it was a shock not only to the people who knew him, but to himself when he found himself walking into his apartment with a carton of alcohol.
Placing the box down on the coffee table by the cough, Matsuda sat straight down on the blue fabric, pulling out the first bottle. Twisting the cap off, the man wiped at his wet eyes before he sniffed the substance, crinkling his nose slightly before he took a sip.
The ex-cop didn't know how long he had been drinking for, but he soon found himself slumped against his couch, his face stained in tears as breathless sobs left him shaking. His world was spinning and his thoughts were muddled, memories of the Kira investigation overwhelming him. He remembered how well he had gotten along with Light, how polite the young man had been, how... How he could never have suspected the brunet he thought of as his closest friend was the one deceiving them all.
Near's words crashed over him like a tidal wave, bringing him to the floor as he emptied the contents of his stomach on the red rug beneath him. His arms gave out, his weight dropping to the carpet like a falling brick. He cried, screamed for someone, anyone, but as expected, no one came. He was left alone, just like he always was. Even after the Kira incident, no one was there for him. Light was dead and, even if he wasn't, even if it really had been someone else, he probably wouldn't have cared, just like Near hadn't. And Chief Yagami... The man had looked out for him, but he wouldn't want to be bothered by the young male's problems.
Looking around him, Matsuda couldn't count the empty alcohol bottles that lay surrounding him. There were too many to count and his head felt like it was going to explode, whether from stress or drinking so much, he didn't know. All he knew was that his world was drowning in the pain he was suffering, the solitude, the anger and self-loathing for killing his friend, the one he had looked up to since Chief Yagami's passing.
Pushing himself into a sitting position, the young man then dragged himself across the room to where he kept his gun hidden. He couldn't remember if it were already loaded or not, but the screaming was just too much for him. He opened the drawer with shaking hands, his vision blurred by the assault of tears.
The cold metal of the gun was heavy in his hands, and it took almost all of his strength to lift it to his head and hold it steady, the nozzle pointing straight at his temple. His drunken mind didn't comprehend that, if he were sober, he probably wouldn't be taking such drastic actions, but all he wanted was for the pain to end. He couldn't stand the guilt he felt over Light's death, the blame he held towards his own person for not being able to stop Light sooner, how worthless he felt, how much of a burden he was.
Matsuda had never considered killing himself before – so why was his finger on the trigger? If he just moved his finger slightly to the right... the bullet would be shot. It would all end. All it all be better. All it would take is just one slight movement...
Taking a deep breath, closing his eyes, Matsuda pulled his finger back, the loud bang resounding through the otherwise silent apartment. The world was black.
The former members of the Kira Investigation would never understand why Matsuda had been found dead in his apartment just the night before. It was their fault for not giving him the support he needed, for always treating him like a pest, like he just always got in the way.
It wasn't that Matsuda wasn't any of those things – it was true he irritated them most of the time – but the young, cheerful man had been their partner, their friend, the one they had to look out for.
When the funeral would come about just a few days later, they would stand by his grave, watching as the coffin was lowered, wondering if the man could see just how many people had turned up for this event – how many people had loved and cared about him.
They should have done more when they had the chance, but all they could do was live with the fact that they had believed Matsuda would be fine while they lived their own lives, paying no heed to the suffering the young man was feeling.
Matsuda may have been a pain, but that was why he was so endearing.