WARNING: Spoilers for 2x22 "All Hell Breaks Loose Part 2" onward, but especially for 3x05 "Bedtime Stories", 3x06 "Red Sky at Morning", 9x13 "The Purge", 10x03 "Soul Survivor", and 10x23 "Brother's Keeper".
Author's Note: So this is a present for my dear friend GuestJ. I know she had wanted me to add onto this series eventually, so for her birthday, I decided to write another letter. :) (Unfortunately my old computer died awhile ago and I lost access to all of your previous letter requests, or else I'd have written one you'd specifically requested, GuestJ. Sorry about that.) This takes place sometime shortly after 10x23 "Brother's Keeper". But first, I want to thank CrazyLadyInVegas, GuestJ, zekeschance, judyann, mb64, featherkitten, reannablue, jojospn, SPNxBookworm, ArwenisWholocked, fallingangelsandstars, Lisa Boon, Whackado, and mckydstarlight for their recent reviews and support. And thanks to every reader! :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
So the world seems royally boned again, huh? But hey, at least this time it's on me! Before you argue that, let me make it clear I know it's my fault because the whole Mark deal was my choice. We wouldn't be in this mess if I hadn't made that mistake, so yeah. This is my catastrophe. You were just trying to clean up after it. Anyway, even though the world is screwed again, I can't find it in myself to feel too sorry for what happened in the end. It took me awhile, but I'm pretty sure I've figured out why...
Remember when you shot that crossroads demon with the Colt? It was years ago, back before I went to Hell. Simpler times, right? Man, it's weird to realize how true that is. Anyway, do you remember how I was majorly pissed that you'd done something that risky over trying to save my hide? I yelled at you. I told you it had been a bad idea, and I acted like I wasn't even grateful you'd been willing to stick your neck out like that for me. Thing is, I was extremely grateful. How many guys can say their little brother would put his life on the line murdering a freaking demon for them? Even so, I was also terrified. You could have dropped dead afterward from messing with the contract I'd set when I sold my soul, and that was obviously something I'd have done anything to avoid. So instead of saying 'thanks', I basically told you off. But none of this really matters. What's important is what you said in response to shut me up. You looked at me and swore, "You're my brother, and no matter what you say I'm gonna try and save you. And I'm sure as hell not gonna apologize for it." Well, I've been thinking a lot about that promise Not just recently, either. I've actually been coming back to it for over a year now.
The first time it popped into my brain was back when you were still fuming because of Gadreel and we, uh, exchanged some words in our kitchen. Now, I know you had every right to be pissed at me. I really do. I'm not trying to claim you were in the wrong or anything like that. But what I will say is that it took all the restraint I had not to toss your own words from that night after the crossroads demon back at you. I knew I wasn't right- that what I'd done had been against your will, and behind your back, and I didn't deserve to defend my actions by twisting your own past help for me against you- but it was still hard not to. Because those words… I'd have meant them. Just like you went directly against my wishes to try and save me from Hell and couldn't find remorse in yourself afterward for having done it… Well, I was in a similar boat. Like I've said, it doesn't mean I don't recognize that what I'd done wasn't great. It just means I couldn't regret having done it because it was to save your life.
But that's not the only time I ended up considering what you'd said to me way back when. When I was a demon and you were curing me, I distinctly remember sitting in that chair you'd tied me to and wondering how far I'd need to push it until you went back on that claim from our old conversation. I remembered you telling me, "No matter what you say, I'm gonna try and save you" and those words became a challenge my demonic self accepted. The game was to come up with the worst things imaginable to say, and then see if vocalizing them would make you break that promise. And the things I said… I know you forgave me for it all, but I won't ever fully forgive myself. Trying to kill you with a hammer was terrible, but the stuff I said just to try and get under your skin? It was all unconscionable, and absolutely not true, and when I was finally myself again I sat up in my room the entire night thinking about how I didn't deserve for you to have kept healing me like you did. See, it's easy for someone to say they won't give up on a person, but to actually prove it is a whole other beast. Yet you really delivered. No matter what I said, you refused to stop saving me. I'll never forget that, man. I honestly won't.
Of course I won't forget what you did for me more recently in that bar, either. You were willing to not only lay down your life for me, but at my own hand. I was in the darkest place I'd ever been, what with even considering letting that scenario play out like Death thought it would... And when you showed me those pictures, I found myself thinking back not to mom or our childhood, but to the same damn talk we had after you shot that crossroads bitch. I realized that you were trying to save me still, despite the fact that what I was saying was that I was willing to end you. You, the overgrown man I'll always see as that chubby twelve year old I'd give everything for. It was in that moment that I actually understood the extent of what you'd said that night so long ago. The depth of what "no matter what you say" meant to you. It wasn't just about words, but actions and beliefs and literally anything I could possibly do to hurt you. No matter what, period, you'd always have my back.
I guess I'm getting off track here. I just figured you could use the reasoning behind my main point. Especially since you tell me a lot that I don't listen to you, and though there are definitely times when I'm stubborn and I don't, it's not all the time. See, sometimes the things I hear you say really stick with me. I might think of them when I'm upset, or a demon, or whatever. Like when I killed Death instead of you while you were willing to die to protect me, but I couldn't let you. And the reason? Well, it's the same reason I can't bring myself to really be sorry for the Darkness being released and all of the crap we have to deal with now.
To plagiarize the words of a good man, it's because you're my brother, and no matter what you say, I'm gonna try and save you. And I'm sure as hell not gonna apologize for it.
Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! If you have a moment, please do leave feedback. It's always appreciated. :)
Special Note To GuestJ: Happy Birthday my friend! May this year be filled with all wonderful things for you, and may there be many years to follow in that likeness. ;)