KissMeDeadlyT-T: Oneshots, oneshots everywhere.

Warning: Timcanpy being a little shit disturber, sex, swearing, Yullen/Arekan/whatever you want to call Allen and Kanda as a couple, and just… stupidness. Don't own DGM.

Note: Let's just ignore the fact that homosexuality and relationships between exorcists probably wasn't really allowed, okay? It's fanfiction so it's okay to break some of the rules...


Timcanpy seemed to be mad at him.

For what reason, Allen didn't know. He sort of suspected it had to do with the fact that he'd just told the golem that he wasn't allowed to eat the pocky in his top drawer— it was a present from Lavi, and he was saving it, damn it! What if suddenly Jeryy stopped making food? He'd need something to keep him from withering away entirely— but he didn't really think Tim would get mad over something like that. Really.

Whatever the reason, Tim was currently ignoring him, pointedly facing away from Allen and almost scowling— if golems could scowl— as Allen sat there looking confused and guilty. He'd been trying to get Tim to tell him what was wrong since that morning, but Tim was steely and cold and absolutely stubborn. Allen gritted his teeth together, temples stiffening and unstiffening irritably. He finally reached the limit of his patience and jumped to his feet, grabbing handfuls of his hair and letting out a wail of frustration.

"Ahh! Damn it, Tim, what the heck did I do!"

Tim just turned and gave him this nasty glare. Again, Allen wondered how something that had no face could glare, but the anger practically rolled off of the gold ball in waves and Allen knew without a doubt that if Tim had eyes, they would be shooting venom-coated daggers so deadly they could probably give Mugen and its time-bomb of a master a run for their money. Falling back on to his bed, Allen let out another short "Uuuuuurgghhh" sound, waving his arms around above his head. "Tell meee! It's killing me!" Tim continued to do the weird glare thing. "I don't even know what I did!" Allen shouted exasperatedly. "

With a flutter of gold wings, Tim started flapping irritably around his head, occasionally bouncing down onto the bed like he was trying to tell Allen something. Allen just stared for a moment, didn't understand, and sighed and huge and dramatic sigh of ultimate annoyed frustration.

"Is it that I don't make my bed?" he demanded, exasperated. Tim just buzzed around his head irritably, swooping down to his hips and tugging at Allen's pants impatiently with tiny little gold hands. Allen gaped, completely confused and aghast. "You don't like my pants?" he asked, feeling like a moron. "I know they're similar to Kanda's… ah! You don't like Kanda?"

Tim hovered in front of his face now, and Allen swore that if Tim could talk he'd be getting chewed out majorly right now. "Am I right?" Tim jerked his tail irritably back and forth. Allen sighed, baffled. "Am I close?" Tim bobbed his tail up and down now. "Well, I still have no idea what it is. You've never had a problem with Kanda before… well, a bigger problem than people normally have, anyway…" Allen trailed off when Tim just made a weird growl sound through his pointed teeth, flying over to the door and tapping against it. Giving the golem a weird look, Allen stood and opened the door.

"Where are you going?" he asked, trailing off again when Tim immediately zipped down the hall. Miffed, he let out a silent curse and chased after him, a bad feeling in his gut. Tim tended to be a snarky little shit, for a golem. He supposed it made sense, after all, he was his Master's golem, but… well, it proved to be extremely troublesome for Allen sometimes. He really didn't want to know what Tim was planning to do… "Timcanpy!"

The golem just looked back for a moment, stuck a long tongue out and blew a raspberry before continuing fleeing. Allen, a bit taken aback, nearly ran smack into the person that suddenly emerged from the room he was heading towards. "Woah, hey!" It was Lavi, and he was clutching his heart, green eye wide. "Jeez, Allen, what the heck?"

"Sorry!" Allen said, getting ahold of himself and hurrying after Tim. He glanced back, shooting Lavi a grimace. "Tim's mad at me and I'm trying to get him to stop so I can try to figure out why." Lavi was sprinting alongside him now, and Allen let out a pained groan. "I don't even want to know what he's planning, he's gonna do something to majorly screw me over, I know it…"

"He's heading to the cafeteria," Lavi observed, shooting Allen an odd grin. "Maybe he's gonna devour Jeryy's food supply and starve you."

The thought made Allen's stomach whine in misery, and Allen paled. "I really hope not."

Tim zipped into the cafeteria, Allen and Lavi right behind him. Allen reached out and just barely missed Tim's tail, groaning in defeat when the golem flied up to the middle of the room, far out of their reach. "Lavi, can you get him?" Allen asked, looking around Lavi's thighs for his hammer. "Where the heck—"

"Being repaired," Lavi said mournfully. He gestured to the far side of the cafeteria, where some of their friends—Miranda and Marie had decided to join the ever-cranky looking Kanda, it seemed— were sitting. "Come on, maybe we can get Miranda to stop time and grab Tim by stacking tables or something."

Then the chatter in the room dwindled down and it suddenly became deafeningly silent. Feeling a prickly sort of dread settling down on him, Allen noticed everyone was staring up where Tim was, and followed the collective gaze slowly, almost too afraid to do it. Tim's body was titled up, mouth wide open, a bright stream of light slowly emerging from between sharp teeth. It slowly formed an image, and then it was moving, and then there was sound, and then— Allen felt the blood leave his face.

Oh… shit. Allen didn't normally like to swear, but he was willing to make an exception for this time. Because… "Fuck," Allen breathed. Lavi let out a low whistle beside him, piercing the awkward silence. Allen barely noticed, eyes transfixed in absolute horror on Tim's projection, pale face slowly starting to heat up in embarrassment and ultimate humiliation. He suddenly understood why Tim was mad at him.

It seemed, he thought, watching Kanda shove him down onto the bed and immediately start grinding against him, that they had forgotten to make sure if Timcanpy was in the room last night. Allen could only watch as his projected self groaned and jerked under Kanda's demanding tongue and hips, their clothes quickly disappearing until Allen was really glad the pants he was wearing were so loose because he was sure he was very visibly getting a goddamned boner in the middle of a crowded cafeteria.

If he'd only opened his eyes— he would have spotted poor Timcanpy and would have immediately stopped to make him leave, and this wouldn't be happening. Instead, half of the Black Order was watching the oh-so-innocent Allen Walker shove the icy Yuu Kanda onto his back and slide cursed fingers up his ass, all the while grinning like a demon. Kanda panted softly, eyes wiring shut, and Allen found himself heating up almost unbearably because this was his favourite part of when they had sex.

His gaze finally fell, stopping on Kanda who was staring back and looking equally horrified. The swordsman's face was white as a sheet, no trace of his usual scowl anywhere— just pure and unadulterated embarrassment and shock. Every pair of eyes in the room turned to Kanda, who just sat there, slowly flushing and body starting to shake as his embarrassment turned into humiliated anger. Marie, although he was blind, had excellent ears, and judging from the wide-eyed look on his face, was just as shocked as everyone else. Miranda's face was bright red— Allen was sure it wasn't as bad as his own, though— and she had it buried in Marie's arm.

The silence was only pierced by the horrible, scratchy sound of the projection— which, despite its low quality, didn't take away the tone of desperation in Kanda's voice, the growled curses and moans of Allen's name, the "F-fuck, there,hahh—yes—" that made every single drop of blood in Allen's body rush south.

"Oh my god," he squeaked.

Then Lavi started laughing— a choked, hysteric sound that made Allen want to crawl into a ball and die. This seemed to be some sort of breaking point, and chaos immediately ensued; people started whispering and Allen heard his and Kanda's names over and over again, the hushed voices making a loud static sound that clawed in Allen's head and made him, against all odds, turn even redder. When Kanda's projection let out a particularly lewd moan of Allen's name, Kanda finally snapped, all of his humiliation and trembling shock coming together into a giant mess of pissed the fuck off.

"Timcanpy, you are fucking dead!" he screeched. Tim quickly stopped the projection and sped off, but Kanda was right behind him, Mugen drawn and the most colorful swearing Allen had ever heard in his life flying from his mouth. His mouth… just… fuck. Allen couldn't even watch them leave, because he was too busy trying to stop from passing out from being turned on too much and being way too stunned at the same time. He realized everyone was staring at him. Lavi was still snickering. Allen wanted to die.

He cleared his throat, backing up with a nervous grin. "Ha…haha… so… yep. Surprise," he tried to sound all happy, but his voice broke and he just ended up having to swallow down a pitiful whimper. No one responded, and they all just continued gawking. Allen was going to murder Tim, if Kanda didn't see to that first. Inside, he groaned.

This was so not how he had planned on coming out with it.


KissMeDeadlyT-T: I love Timcanpy

Please let me know what you thought… if you got this far ;P