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Chapter 5 – A very stupid idea.
Just as I thought I was finally going to start my life again from zero, with Peeta by my side, of course to my luck, it was ruined.
And whose fault is it?
I felt my world crumble as Peeta left.
"Peeta!" I cried as he ran but he just ignored me.
I got up to chase after him, but I felt a pair of arms, not the familiar strong and gentle ones that belonged to Peeta, but rough and larger ones took their place. Haymitch was pulling me back.
"What the hell Haymitch! Let go of me! You've done enough already!"I yelled at him.
"Just calm down sweet heart, you can't go chasing after him, he'll come back." he said.
" What is wrong with you? You saw we were perfectly fine and getting along with each other when you came in! Did you have to say that I said that? Damn you Haymitch!" I paused took a deep breath then continued.
"If it wasn't for him , I ... I wouldn't even be here! I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you just can't see me happy; you are always saying things to hurt me! You ruined everything just when I thought it was getting better. Just because you don't have any family or friends that care about you, doesn't mean you have to go around messing up other people's relationships!"
As soon as those words came out of my mouth I regretted them.
I gasped and then clamped my hand over my mouth.
I knew Haymitch had lost his family, friends and even his girlfriend to the capital.
"Haymitch" I said softly. All the anger I had about five minutes ago drained right out of me.
I stared at his face and for the first time, I saw Haymitch cry.
He wasn't really crying , a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"I am so sorry! Oh my gosh, I can't believe I said that, I'm so sorry." He just looked at me, hurt in his eyes.
Then walked past me, and he was out the door.
I stood still for a long time, and then I sobbed.
Tear after tear rolled down my face.
I seamed paralyzed, I wasn't sure of what the hell I was going to do to get Haymitch to forgive me.
I wasn't sure about how I was going to find Peeta either.
Just like that , in under an hour , two people I cared a lot about were hurt because of me, and they also had just left my house crying, I just hoped they hadn't walked out of my life.
I had to figure out a way to fix the damage I'd done.
But in that moment nothing but guilty thoughts filled my mind, I sat down on the floor, just as I had yesterday morning, the same kind of thoughts going through my mind.
The difference was that today no Greasy Sae would come to make me breakfast, she had come to my house yesterday, when Peeta was gone.
I had told her with a big smile on my face that she didn't need to cook for me anymore because Peeta and I were reunited.
I remembered she congratulated me also smiling, then left.
I felt so empty again, all the little strength I had recovered last night were drained right out of me.
I sat on my hard cold floor , just like yesterday , I was pondering about trying to take my life again , but I was sure that this time , there was not going to be anyone to save me in case I regretted my decision.
Peeta wasn't going to come rescue me again.
I hated this; I hated myself and the way that nothing ever came out like I would like.
The damn odds were never in my favor. All I wanted right now was Peeta, and his arms holding me until I was okay.
I realized that, that was one of the things I most loved about him, the way he comforted me.
He did it the same way my father had many years ago.
I felt tears roll down my cheeks and wondered how I still had enough water in my system to produce them.
I had cried so much during these past few weeks.
I turned my thoughts back to Haymitch and how could I have been so cruel.
I cared a lot about him, and I was his friend.
I knew he probably went back to his house to just get drunk again.
I just hope he'll be willing to forgive me.
The conversation I had with him felt so long ago.
I remembered it was probably four days ago.
I had went over to his house because I needed someone to talk to , I had crossed Peeta outside and I was crying so badly I went over to his house to what?
I really don't know why I went over there.
I guess it was just to be with another human being without breaking down in to tears.
"Haymitch?" I yelled as I walked through the front door. I heard someone move in the living room so I went right to that room.
"Haymitch?" I repeated.
"Hey Katniss " I heard some say in my ear.
I turned around startled and found a pair of gray eyes staring back at me.
"Hi" I said. "What do you want?" Asked Haymitch , I knew he wasn't trying to be rude , he was like that.
"Well, I came to see how you're doing and um…" he raised an eyebrow at me.
"Okay fine, I was just feeling more horrible than usual, so I came to talk to you"I told him.
''I'm listening'' he said while making a gesture with his hand that told me to go on.
I opened my mouth to speak and I instantly felt my eyes start to water.
"Don't cry sweet heart, let me throw a wild guess out there hmm, you are upset because of Peeta? " he asked.
I wondered how this man could read me so well, I guess because we're a like on so many levels.
I looked up at him and nodded my head, then I made my way to the couch and he followed.
"Want a drink?" he asked before I nodded my head again in reply.
As he handed me a glass of liquor, I said "I feel so ... Empty" the last word was hard to get out.
"I feel empty without him and I hate the feeling that I have to depend on some one. I absolutely hate it. I hate him for making me feel useless without him, as if I can't function correctly." I finished and waited for Haymitch to reply.
I spun the light brown liquid in my glass and then looked at him.
After a while he said "look, I don't have the solution to your problem, unless you want to drown your sorrows like I do" he said that as he raised up his own glass
'' But I don't want you to do that , haven't you tried talking to him? I mean the kid seems fine now, I don't think he's going to attack you anymore" he finished.
"I still have night mares about that, I swear I can feel his hands around my neck up to this day. I don't ever talk to him, I just ignore him, and it's too painful to think about all we have been through and to have it stripped away by the capital. Peeta doesn't really know who I am . I feel like I hate him Haymitch, yet I love him at the same time, and that just makes me hate him even more. Does that even make sense?" I took a nice swig from my glass and felt the liquor burn down my throat.
I shook slightly and stared at the mess around me, there were wrappers, empty bottles, and clothes all over the place.
Then Haymitch said "I don't know what to say Katniss, you're in deep shit. You have your emotions at war with each other right now, part of you misses and wants him, and the other wants nothing to do with him.'' He paused and continued
"Just keep this in mind, you are all he's got, and he is all you have. I told you before that you don't deserve him and I stand by it, but you two belong together. Maybe it was a romance created to please the capital, but I'm sure it grew in to something real after all. You're lucky to have someone who cares about you so much, you are lucky that she, or he in this case, didn't get killed because of you.''
I sighed at his words because I knew he was talking about his girlfriend the one he had lost to the capital so long ago
. ''He almost did die, almost. And it was because of me. '' I said in response.
"Just don't let him go Katniss ,I hope he is gets tired of chasing you , though I don't think it's likely , that stupid boy should find some who values his love." at this point I was crying , his words hurt a lot , but I knew he was right.
"I'm going to get going, thanks for the drink" I said as I got up and placed the glass on the end table. When I got to the door, I turned around and muttered "Bye Haymitch."
Then I was out the door.
Thinking about it now, Haymitch was right of course, Peeta is all I truly have.
But I tried to convince myself that it wasn't true, I had my mom though she was far away and… Gale.
"Gale" I whispered to myself.
I immediately got up and headed to my phone. As I was standing in front of the phone I was thinking if I really wanted to do this , I mean, I hated Gale for what happened to Prim , but I guess that I was tired of hating people ,I was so desperate for love , comfort and some kind of contact with someone without suffering, I decided to do it.
I knew the number of his district two home since this was not the first time I considered calling him.
I dialed the phone and heard the beep and my heart skipped a beat. Another beep passed and my heart was thumping really fast.
Third beep and then a familiar voice said "Hello?"
It was a girl's voice.
I felt my heart drop and I held my crying back, I could have fainted right then and there.
There was a tiny voice in the back of my head saying this was a bad idea, a really bad and stupid idea, that I should say 'Oops wrong number' and hang up but I was so messed up emotionally, I really didn't care.
ally, I really didn't care.