Disclaimer: I actually do own Supernatural you stupid dickhead I'll sue your ass.
This is a birthday present for a pretty awesome person.
Dean was hungry, but not for pie. He was in his dad's old Impala, gunning through the night like a black meteor, ignoring traffic signs and crossroad demons as he thrusted his foot against the gas pedal.
"Faster." He pleaded to his car.
"Harder." It seemed to say over its revving engine.
Dean obeyed, jamming the gas pedal violently against the floor of the voluptuous vehicle with a groan.
"C'mon baby, almost there, almost there…."
A speck of light appeared on the horizon. A light of satisfaction. Dean kept his Impala on course, gently guiding it towards that light of pleasure with his body.
"NNnnnngghhhhmmmmphhhhnnnn" Dean groaned as he reached the light, jerking the steering wheel roughly and flying into the parking lot of an old motel.
Time was almost up. Dean slammed on the brakes, yanking himself roughly out of the Impala's soft interior the moment it had stopped, and collapsing next to it. He'd made it.
An emaciated old man watched Dean from behind the curtains of one of the old motel's rooms. Or, more accurately, he watched Dean's ass.
"It's all going well, Dean" He murmured at the distant ass.
Having remembered that coming in the hotel parking lot was not his lone goal, Dean popped open the trunk of the Impala and began rummaging through the various weapons that were in there. A shotgun, a bag of salt, some holy water and oil, an enema syringe- Dean grabbed all of the usual tools of the trade.
Next Dean strode across the motel's parking lot to a door labeled '69'. He hesitated for a moment, wondering if Cas had chosen that on purpose, but decided that the angel probably didn't even know that reference and continued into the room.
What awaited him was an angel tied up in the middle of a pile of roses. Not a pile of rose petals. A pile of prickly, thorn coated, untrimmed roses.
"Cas I can't have sex in that I'll be chopped into pieces."
"Mmmphhh" the bound and gagged Castiel replied.
"How did you even do that, anywa-" Dean stopped as he noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye.
In an eruption of invisible force, like a million chains except invisible and not chains, Dean was invisibly thrown against the wall by a hidden being. On impact, Dean's hunting tools flew off of his body, rolling across the room like they were being pushed about by invisible midgets.
The shotgun fired when it hit the ground, blowing a hole into the roses a foot away from Cas, before rolling into the foot of the invisible being that had been hiding in the corner of the room.
"Hello, Dean." The voice of the invisible man rang out as he suddenly ceased being invisible, in a visible transition to visibility. It was Michael.
"How did you find us?" Dean demanded as he struggled against the invisible bonds that invisibly held his taut form against the visible wall. His eyes were wide with visible anger and fear.
"Cas bought those roses from a Jehovah's Witness." Michael explained. "But that's not important. What important is how I should deal with an angel stooping so low as to fuck a human."
Dean was unable to come up with a good response to that.
"The answer of course is for him to watch me fuck his lover. That should be punishment enough." He continued as he stooped down to pick something off the ground.
Cas rolled around on the ground and embedded several dozen new thorns into his coat while mumbling frantically.
"Is this an enema syringe? I was sure you two would have been experienced enough to not need these any more…." Michael smiled at Dean as he squeezed the syringe a thick liquid oozed out. "You've already filled it, I see."
Dean's eyes widened, but the invisible force had covered his mouth. Anyways, he had such a massive boner that he probably wouldn't have been able to speak. His erection could cut off speech because of a Gypsy curse that he got several years ago, unfortunately.
Michael strode across the room in long, swinging steps as he rubbed his crotch.
"Mphhmmmfff mphhffmm phmmmm fmmppmmhhh mphhff" Cas exclaimed.
Undeterred by this incredible Enochlian insult, Michael grabbed Dean's pants and incinerated them. Dean wasn't burnt though.
What greeted him was Dean's extra juicy dill pickle.
Michael whistled. "Boy do I want to ramrod that manrod… but first things first!" He exclaimed as he thrusted the enema syringe into Dean's pert pooppelter and squeezed it.
Dean groaned at the sudden squirt of cold liquid, before his eyes widened as he realized which enema the archangel had grabbed…. He blinked to Cas (in Morse Code) to be ready to start a fire.
Not noticing this, Michael tore the enema syringe out of Dean's asshole before replacing it with his holy scepter.
Tensing up against the wall, Dean groaned as he felt the delicious holy light piercing him. He finally understood Saint Teresa.
Two seconds later Dean's asshole burst into flames.
"What? What? AUUGGGHHHHHH" Michael exclaimed.
As the invisible bonds invisibly shrunk away from Dean, he visibly smirked through the pain of his burning anus.
"That was a holy oil enema."
"WHAT? WHAT?" Michael demanded as his dick began to melt.
"Well, I got the idea from Sam. He told me about the time he drew a Devil's Trap on his dick and fucked Ruby, and I figured why not try the same with angels? Y'know?"
However the holy fire had overcome Michael, and he disappeared, banished to find some ice for his ravaged dick (not the Leviathan although he did ravage Dick once that was back in college when Dick was drunk and experimental).
Later, when Dean had untied Cas and sexily banged him several times (it was so hot you should have seen it man) the two lay in bed amongst (now thornless) roses.
"Dean… you do realize a holy fire enema would have killed me, right?"
Dean scratched his charred butthole absentmindedly. "Yeah and I would've had a cinderdick but man that would've been hot."
It was then that they heard a gunshot from the neighboring apartment.
"What was that?" Dean asked.
"A gunshot." Cas replied.
It was at that moment that Dean realized why Sam had spent all those years in the mirror perfecting his bitchface.
"Well I'm going to go check it out."
"Dean it might not be safe."
"I have fourteen videos of my past sexual encounters on my laptop. You can come with me or you can stay here and watch them, your choice."
It only took Cas a moment to decide on his answer to this insulting question. "What's your password?"
"BustyAsianBurlies" Dean replied as he walked out the door.
Dean knocked on the neighboring room's door, and was surprised when it was instantly opened.
He was even more surprised when Death was on the other side.
"You've been knocking on my door?" Death asked.
TO BE CONTINUED