AN: Hope you guys get a good laugh out of this. I just combed over once or twice myself, so don't be too harsh haha
The Illusive Man took a deep drag from his cigarette as he continued to browse through the multitude of screens scrolling with a dizzying amount of information. To anyone but perhaps a Salarian, it would be too quick to follow. But the Illusive Man didn't get to where he was by being ordinary. His synthetic eyes cataloged every bit of information that flickered past, scanning through reports and bits of extranet data that had been flagged for his attention.
Battling to keep humanity from being covertly subjugated while trying to discover any information on the collector's was taxing even the Illusive Man's considerable prowess, but he would not rest in his quest to safeguard humanity. This was just a taste of the war to come on the horizons; he would endure and see that humanity would endure as well.
A sudden priority warning bleeped up on one of the bottom screens and he magnified it with a flick of his free hand. There seemed to be a sudden increase in the number of extranet searches utilizing the keyword Normandy. This was not good.
While he had subtly let it be known that the commander was back in action and now playing for team Cerberus, he had let that cat out of the bag on more private channels so that only the higher ups of each species and the council were privy to that knowledge. A sudden 55 million galactic wide surge on the extranet search for the word Normandy in the past 16 hours meant that something might have gone terribly wrong on the commander's mission.
Sucking furiously on his cancer stick, he tilted his glass of Bourbon Whiskey back until it was empty. Repressing the migraine that threatened to overtake him, the Illusive Man scanned through the piles of extranet pilfered information. It seemed that the keywords most popular was "Normandy" paired with "Harlem Shake"
Scrunching his eyebrows, the leader of Cerberus frowned as he tried to piece together what this might mean. Harlem was most likely relating to the 20th century earth cultural revolution that had taken place amongst the African American population of the former United States of America. Shake in context with the word Harlem indicated perhaps a dance of some sort, or maybe even a drink.
Deciding that further pondering would bring forth no new information, the Illusive Man decided to pull up his extranet browser and type in the key phrase to further his investigations. The first link that appeared was a video on the most popular free to upload video site on the extranet, GalaxyNet. The image of the video was unmistakably that of the common area of the Normandy. Already the Illusive Man could feel the migraine winning. Pressing his assistant pager button, he demanded another glass of whiskey which she promptly brought to him.
Standing up, he lit another imported hand rolled cigarette and smoked about half of it before he felt settled enough to continue. Slugging down half the glass of whiskey in preparation, he breathed out evenly through his nose before tapping the video link.
The opening scene was completely silent for a few seconds and in those precious few seconds, the Illusive Man could make out the many forms of the special consultants Shepard had recruited lounging about in the common area. The Turian and Quarian were both leaned up against a wall speaking to each other though no sound could be heard. Specialist Taylor appeared to be using the kitchen to make a meal of some sort while the hooded figure of Katsumi Goto leaned over the counter of the kitchen. The convict was currently rifling through the contents of the opened refrigerator door, amassing a truly epic pile of food onto a platter.
Operative Lawson was seated at the table drinking out of a cup across from the Drell assassin who was drinking out of a darker colored mug. The Asari was seated cross legged on top of the table with her eyes close in a classical lotus position, in deep meditation no doubt. The Salarian doctor appeared to be peering into the garbage disposal unit next to the kitchen with his back turned from the camera while the Krogan and the mercenary Zaeed Massani were seen arm wrestling on the far end of the dining table. There was even the reactivated Geth unit standing at the far end of the screen by itself, seemingly ramrod straight and observing the organics around itself.
For a brief moment, the Illusive Man couldn't help but feel a bit impressed seeing such a multitude of different species lounging about without much incident. It took a real leader to bring together that diverse of a crew and hammer them into a team. That feeling of impression vanished very quickly as the music started.
The dull thump of the bass was a far cry from the Bach and Beethoven he was used to listening to on the rare occasions he had some down time to himself, and certainly the echoing Spanish cry that he could not quite understand wasn't exactly high on his list of songs. But what was most bizarre was the sudden appearance of Commander Shepard.
The man had no shirt or pants on. He was wearing what appeared to be pink underwear and his N7 helmet. The strange half shuffle broken out by periodic bouts of epileptic like hand waving over his head while he shuffled around the common area was easily recognizable as the galaxy famous "Shepard Shuffle" that had hit top trending boards for weeks after his defeat of Saren, a 30 second clip that pilot Moreau had uploaded from one of the Normandy's celebration parties.
The reenactment of that commander's infamous dance was made stranger by the fact that he was practically naked with none of the crew paying attention to him as he shuffled about. The tempo continued to build up as the commander's shuffling became more frantic and erratic with the beat of the song, the last phrase spoken by the singer being looped on repeat in a louder and louder fashion.
Then came the deep bass of another singer's voice who announced to the world, "And Do The Harlem Shake!"
The screen exploded into a frenzy of movement as the beat dropped and the bass began pounding. The Illusive Man could not tear his eyes away from the train wreck in front of him. Somehow the half-naked commander doing the Shepard Shuffle in the background no longer seemed as absurd. It took a few moments for his shattered mind to begin processing what he was seeing, but once he did he nearly dropped his glass of whiskey in disbelief.
Operative Taylor was on the ground lying flat on his stomach without his shirt on but strangely enough wearing a Santa Hat. The full body flexing wave motion he was making could not be mistaken as anything but the classic worm. Behind him, the Turian was holding a broom in one hand and a mop in the other with a metal bucket over his head sliding backwards on his feet doing a very good impression of the moon walk.
The Quarian girl had changed from a purple to a completely yellow environmental suit while doing the splits on the kitchen table while displaying an impressive amount of flexibility in the way she was curving her body to the beat. It brought back fond memories of the first time he had encountered Asari strippers at work.
At first the Illusive Man thought that perhaps Operative Lawson was being the sanest out of the entire specialist on board in her rather conservative rhythmic dance that would not have been out of place at a club dance floor. But closer inspection showed that the person wearing iconic white and black trimmed cat suit was bald. Staring for a moment longer, he realized that it was not Lawson, but actually the convict wearing Miranda's outfit.
Being a red blooded male who was still young enough to be interested in the opposite gender for more than simply conversation, the Illusive Man made the connection many would have in thinking that perhaps Jack and Miranda had swapped outfits, meaning the genetically perfect woman would have nothing covering her upper body save two straps and a neck choker. He was not disappointed.
Feeling an alarming amount of blood rush from his head towards a more southern region, the leader of Cerberus tore his eyes way from the nearly naked form of his best operative currently writhing on the ground in a painfully sexy dance to save himself from complete embarrassment.
Of course in moving his eyes away, he instead caught sight of the Geth unit doing ironically enough a perfect rendition of the robot, though interestingly enough it was wearing a sandwich board with bold letters stating, "No Data Available". There was probably a story behind that.
The assassin was currently doing a handstand against the wall while flailing his legs wildly in a running motion with nothing but a towel covering his crotch. Someone had donned a giant pink fluffy bunny suit, god knows when they managed to smuggle that on board, but upon close inspections of the crew members remaining it was most likely the thief, the only person not seen.
The Salarian doctor was juggling an alarming amount of tableware and cutlery while spinning in place and hopping on one leg. The Krogan was doing dead lifts and lunges with a shirtless Zaeed held horizontal across his palms in a classic lazy side sexy pose with an arm propping up his head while his one good eye was winking at the camera. And to top it off, gently floating at slightly above neck level was the Jusitacar, held aloft by her biotics while her body was laid out straight as a board, gently drifting between the crewmembers going wild.
It felt like he had been watching for an eternity, but the atrocity ended just as abruptly as it began. Taking a deep breath, the Illusive Man sat back down and massaged his temples. They were going on a suicide mission. It was understandable that the crew needed some sort of outlet. Perfectly normal.
"They couldn't just get drunk and go streaking like normal people could they?" he grumbled.
Cerberus was going to need to do a lot of damage control to avoid becoming a laughing stock. He would probably have to order a number of high profile assassinations or something to get the galaxy to take his organization seriously again after this fiasco. Heaving a deep long suffering sigh he drained the rest of his glass and called his assistant.
"Get me Kai Lang."
AN: So brief bout of insanity I had while in class, thought I'd share =D hope you guys liked it. Feel free to write your own variation if you want! Don't think I've seen anyone do something like this, but apologies if I'm stepping on your creation.