AN: you know this was a lot funnier in my head when I first imagined it but it's just not quite there. Not sure what I'm missing, but it's still good for a few kicks XD Thanks again to everyone who's reviewed! Greases the old imagination to know people are enjoying the outcomes of my mind spewing
EDIT: fixed spelling on Tomkah, thanks Garm88! Let me know if you guys see anything else out of place
Walking down the twin rows of krogans acting as his honor guard, John felt a surreal sense of disbelief. This could not be happening. This was a hoax, a poor joke, a bad prank pulled by Garrus and Wrex. Any moment now, one of those ugly sons of a bitches will pop out from behind a pillar and bellow, "Surprise!" Everyone was going to burst out into laughter and he was going to wake up form this nightmare. Any moment now...any moment...right now...
Reaching the end of the honor guard that had pretty much consisted of all the males of clan Urdnot, John found himself at the weather beaten Tomkah that had taken them to Grunt's coming of age rite. Standing by himself next to the massive vehicle was the unarmored form of the shaman. The truly ancient krogan leveled a somber gaze at the commander before raising both hands up into the air and addressing the assembled warriors.
"You, battle brother of Urdnot Wrex, have been afforded a great honor. The ground soaked with the blood of your foes quakes in your passing and the stars tremble before the tales of your deeds. You have been found worthy to bestow upon the next generation the seed of life. May the path before you always be clear and the bodies of your foes trailing your back John Shepard!"
The crowd of krogan all grunted together as one before stomping on the ground in a rhythmic pattern.
"Of course. This…this is a great honor." The voice that had talked down Saren from ending galactic civilization sounded weak and shaky, a far cry from the normal commanding tones that brokered no arguments.
"May your seed scatter to the winds and find root in the hot soils of Tuchanka!"
The deep bass of the voices of hundreds of krogan repeated the words of blessing that filled John's heart with insurmountable dread. This was really happening. The Tomahawk door opened and the commander stepped forward with shaky legs. Praying silently that Garrus and Wrex were inside with shit eating grins on their faces, John stepped into the vehicle.
"There have been a number of breeding requests for Grunt and even one for you Commander Shepard." Edi's emotionless delivery caught John completely off guard as he snorted the water from his canteen out his nose.
Coughing and spluttering, the first human spectre desperately tried to rid the burning sensation in his nasal cavity while shooting a heated glare at his turian friend who was practically on all four on the ground with laughter.
"Shut up! It's not funny!"
"A krogan Shepard!" howled Garrus. Taking a deep steadying breath, the Turian broke out into a new fit of uncontrolled laughter much to John's chagrin. "Oh spirits save me, a krogan!"
Shuddering slightly at the unbidden image of a female version of Wrex, John opened his omnitool to examine the request. He was going to have nightmares about this for weeks. Worse than after Akuze. As he reached out to firmly press down on the deny button, he felt a jolt to his shoulder causing his finger to tilt slightly to the left, just enough to miss his intended target.
Jaws dropping in horror, John turned slowly to look at Garrus whose hand was still raised up from his friendly back slap, a look of confusion on his scarred face.
"What did you do?!" screeched John, eyes bugging out.
"What?" asked Garrus, looking perplexed. "What did I do?"
"You made me hit accept!"
"Oh no..nonono.. this is not happening. This is not happening."
Breaking out in cold sweat, John glanced down desperately at his omnitool, hoping against hope that by some miracle that maybe the sensors had malfunctioned and had not reacted to his fingers movement. No such luck.
"Look Shepard, I'm sure she sent it as a joke. I mean come on, a human and krogan? Who in their right minds would expect you to go through with it? I mean it's not like you can even reproduce together! The krogan are all about making babies cause of the genophage. We'll tell Wrex, have a good laugh about this then go grab a few strippers on Omega and forget all about this. I know a few girls who-"
The rest of Garrus's babbles of reassurance fell on deaf ears as John had already been lost to the mental image of a female Wrex demanding to be on top.
Flashback (Sometime Later)
"And so, here we were, covered in Thresher Maw guts watching Grunt get carried off by a bunch of krogan chanting his name. And I turn to Shepard and said, we really need to get some helmet cams. The chicks never believe my stories!"
John burst into laughter alongside Wrex who was thumping his tankard of Ryncol on the table in mirth. After a few of the krogan homebrewed alcoholic beverage of choice, the commander was feeling much better about his situation. Heck he could even laugh at it.
With a grin he waved the hand not holding the cup to get the laughing krogan's attention. "What happened after was even better, right Garrus?"
The turian nearly fell out of his seat laughing, too choked up to speak.
"So I managed to get a breeding request from one of the females!"
Amber liquid spurted out of a huge nostril as Wrex snorted through a mouthful of the Ryncol he had been swallowing. Bursting into a deep bellied laugh that was punctuated by periodic coughs the old krogan slapped the commander across the back with enough force to nearly knock the man out of his seat.
"Are you serious Shepard?! Only you!" The scarred krogan shook his crested head, wiping a tear of mirth away from his bloodshot eyes.
"That's not the best part! So here I was about to hit deny, when Garrus," John shot a playful glare at the chuckling turian who finally had managed to regain some of his composure, "decided to slap me across the back causing me to hit accept!"
Both men in question burst out into new fits of laughter as they recalled the initial panic they had seized them when it happened. The laughter petered off as they noticed the serious expression on their large krogan companion.
"Uh, Wrex you ok there?"
There was a solemn and disturbed expression on the ancient warriors face. "Shepard…I…I swore you and Garrus as blood brothers in order for you to be accepted as krant to Grunt in his trials."
Feeling a sense of unease build in his stomach John nodded slowly. "Yeah I remember that."
"That means you are Urdnot now in all but blood. You represent my clan as much as much as any krogan that bears that name."
"And you accepted the female's breeding request."
"Yeah… it was an accident."
The serious look turned into a deep frown. "Shepard there can be no accidents in these matters. Breeding contracts are the highest honor that can be placed upon a member of any clan. To be offered the chance to sire offspring…you cannot refuse after accepting."
"WHAT?! But I can't even produce offspring with a female Krogan!"
Shaking his massive head the Krogan continued to frown as he contemplated his friend's situation. "It does not matter, breeding requests are sacred, a contract that cannot be undone. One has not been refuted after acceptance since the time before the genophage Shepard! If you were to go back on your word now, you would shame the female that made the offer greatly, spurning her as unfertile and unworthy of her sacred duties as brood mother. She would take her own life rather than face that disgrace."
Wrex leaned back into his seat, ruby eyes narrowed to slits in deep contemplation as he considered the situation and any possible way out for his friend. His brooding expression bore no good news for Shepard.
"There would be great outrage at such sacrilege. You bear the name of Urdnot in spirit, and so we would all suffer the wrath of the female clans should this come to pass. They may bar any krogan bearing the name Urdnot from ever having mating rights again. My clan would be no more. You have to see this through."
The solemn expression that had returned to the giant reptile's face contained no jest. Wrex was being entirely serious. Turning slowly, the commander shared a brief uncomprehending stare with Garrus.
"The future of my clan…no, the future of all krogan depends on this Shepard."
Well shit. How was he supposed to say no to that?
For a brief moment, the krogan form inside the Tomkah filled John with elation. The joke was finally coming to an end! But when his eyes adjusted to the dim conditions within, he realized it was not Wrex in the seat, but Grunt.
"Battlemaster! You are headed for the female camps as well?" asked an overly eager Grunt.
Hope in his heart withered away like a snail beneath the cruel ministration of a child with a saltshaker.
"HA! It will be glorious! We must share our exploits when we are done!"
Unable to find his voice and feeling a small part of himself shrivel up and die on the spot, John sat down across from the tank born Krogan and simply nodded his head numbly. What was there to say to that?
"A krogan? You're goddamn shitting me Archangel. Shepard? A krogan?!"
The turian sitting at the table nursing a dextro brandy nodded miserably at the disbelieving Zaeed across from him.
"That's goddamn suicide!"
AN: I just can't get enough of Zaeed XD His catchphrase can fit in just about anywhere.