Title: Thoughts in the night

Author: Barbara Graf

Spoilers: General season six

Disclaimer: All characters and setting belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Kuzui Entertainment, no infringement is intended. The story is mine. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.

A/N: This is my first attempt at writing something other than a Harry Potter story. I must admit, even though I never liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer when it first came on the air in 1997, I didn't like it. I was too into the X Files to care about some woman slaying vampires. Then, this year, my girlfriend starts watching it, and gets me hooked on it, and now I love it. Anyways, for those of you that don't know, Willow and Tara are gay and if this turns your stomach, please hit the back button now and forget about flaming me. I will just show them to my girlfriend and she will laugh at them with me. The song is "She's like the Wind," and its off the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack.

Dedication: To my girlfriend. Thank you for believing in me and getting me addicted to the whole Willow/Tara relationship and to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love you now and forever.

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She's like the wind through my tree

She's rides the night next to me

She leads me to moonlight only to burn me with the sun

She's taken my heart, she doesn't know what she's done



Have you ever wondered if you've done the right thing for someone you love? Have you ever sat in bed, listening to the wind, wondering if what you've done is wrong? Well, I know in my mind that I've done the right thing, but my heart is another story. The nights are the loneliest. I knew that in order for her to get better, I would have to walk away, satisfied with the knowledge that I did the best that I could to help her.

She's here with me in the night, her shadow in the moonlight. I fall asleep every night, plagued by nightmares of when my mind was sucked out of my head, when I refused to give the Key to Glory. She nursed me through that, fought Glory, and my mind was restored. I wake up, reaching for her, for the comfort I know she could bring me. I reach over to her side of the bed, where she should be, but she's not there. She's off getting her dark magic fix with Amy, not caring about anything but the high the magic gives her. Sad thing is, she's taken my heart with her, and yet I get the feeling that she doesn't care, that to her it's a game.



Feel her breath in my face, her body close to me

Can't look in her eyes, she's outta my league

Just a fool to believe I have anything she needs

She's like the wind

I can feel her breath next to me; I can still feel her body close to me. Its not my mind playing tricks on me. I know that she's here next to me, but she's the old Willow, the one I fell in love with, not this new Willow, the one who doesn't care about anything but getting her fix.

She came over the other day, and I couldn't look in her eyes. It was like all those months ago, when we first got together. I knew that she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and I knew that she was hurting. I was content to be her friend, never foolishly believing that I had anything that she needed. All she wanted was friendship, which was fine with me. I would've never said anything to her, content to be her friend.

I draw my knees up closer to my chest, thinking about her. My Willow, the one with whom I am still in love. Everyone tells me I did the right thing, but they don't know what goes on at night, when they're off with their respective others and I'm alone in the bed that Willow and I once shared together. They don't know what goes on in my heart, how my heart and mind torment me.

I couldn't believe that Willow used a mind-altering spell on me, after everything she knew I had been through with Glory. Then to erase all our minds, whether it be on accident or not, that's when I knew that she had a problem. I stood by her, but I knew that she would keep using. I thought by me walking away, that would get her mind straight, but it didn't. She's still using, and I'm still all alone, with my heart in conflict with my mind.



I look in the mirror and all I see

Is a young old woman with only a dream

Am I just fooling myself, that she'll stop the pain?

Living without her, I go insane



I get up, and when I look in the mirror, I'm surprised to see tears falling down my face. How many sleepless nights have I spent wishing she was here, but not the way she is now? I want the old Willow back, the one that I fell in love with.

I dream about her, I dream that she and I are together, that we're back and things are like they used to be. Totally in love. She is the only thing that I need in my life to make me complete, but yet I realize that she's not the Willow that I fell in love with. She never will be, unless she can get over her dark magic addiction. Maybe Willow's not what I need anymore, maybe I need someone different.

"Oh, who the hell are you kidding?" I ask myself. "You know you need her like the air you breathe." It's just that I'm tired of my heart being in total conflict, wondering night after night if I'm doing the right thing. Am I? Someone, tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I know she needs help, but Goddess help me, I can't help her, I can't be what she needs right at the moment, because her addiction is totally out of control.

I'm really going insane without her. I swear I can feel her in this room, surrounding me with her presence, but yet, I know its only a fleeting dream, that she's not here, and Goddess only knows if she's coming back to me. And if she does, do I want her back? Can I trust her anymore? How do I know she won't go back to the dark magic and trick me into thinking she's changed? How can I trust her? Do I follow my heart and leave her back in, if she ever comes home to me?



Feel your breath in my face

Your body close to me

Can't look in your eyes

Your outta my league

Just a fool to believe, she's like the wind

Just a fool to believe, she's like the wind



I sigh and lay back down in the bed. I feel her breath in my face, her breath all around me, surrounding me. I reach out and I swear that I can feel her body close to mine. I close my eyes and can see her face and I open my eyes, not even able to look into her eyes in my mind. They haunt me; they look at me with the love, longing and pain that I feel every day since I walked out of her life.

Right at the moment, she's in a league of her own, I can't touch her, I can't get near her. Because I don't want to be with her until she's over her addiction. I know in my mind, but yet, my heart leaves me conflicted, making me wonder if I did the right thing. Did I? Goddess, Mom, someone, tell me, did I do the right thing by walking away from the person who's meant the most to me?

I close my eyes, feeling her breath in my face and I lay across her side of the bed and drift to sleep, knowing that I wont sleep long because the nightmares will come. Am I just a fool to believe that she can change?



Just a fool to believe, she's like the wind